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My boyfriend watches pornography


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My boyfriend and I have been together about a year and a half. Early on he confessed to me that he watches porn, and I wasn’t sure how to react. He told me he felt really bad about it, so I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and make him feel bad.

But lately, it’s been eating away at me bc I’ve been feeling really insecure. I’ve become kind of jealous and am afraid that he is going to be sexually attracted to other girls, given that’s he’s probably already watching who knows how many girls in porn videos. I wish he would stop because although we’ve talked about marriage, I wouldn’t want to be married to him knowing he watches porn. Honestly, I just feel betrayed that he lusts  over and takes pleasure  in seeing other naked women. It torments me bc I feel like he is, in a way, cheating on me by doing this. 
 

I guess that a disclaimer would be the fact that we have never had sex, mainly bc of my conservative upbringing. 
 

What should I do? I’m so afraid of making him feel awful and creating conflict between us but I’m just not okay with this anymore and i feel like I’ve been blocking it out for so long.

 

Thank you all.

 

 

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I used to be quite addicted to porn. It is very unhealthy for your relationship, especially the sexual part, but he doesn't realize that, he is just a victim of the urge to watch porn.

You could challenge him to try not to watch porn for X amount of days. Then see how it affects your sex life. Try to be sensual with him. 

Since I have stopped watching porn, I have much more desire and it changed my sex life for the best.

But he needs to find the inner strength to start the process. Like every addiction, it is far from easy. 

In any case, it has nothing to do with you or your level of attractivness.

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10 hours ago, Carolina23 said:

What should I do? I’m so afraid of making him feel awful and creating conflict between us but I’m just not okay with this anymore and i feel like I’ve been blocking it out for so long.

Why on earth do you want to avoid conflict?  He's making you feel bad.  Why don't you feel empowered to stick up for yourself?  He' making you feel awful so why shouldn't you tell him how his choices make you feel. 

My opinion regarding porn is that it's no big deal as long as the two people in the relationship still have a mutually satisfying interaction.  If one person is choosing porn over actual sex with a partner that is bad but watching & self pleasure doesn't bother me.  That said, I also understand some of your insecurity.  I am flat chested; one of my EXs loved porn where the women had fake boobs the size of basketballs.  At times I would wonder what he was doing with me. 

Bottom line -- you two are not compatible.  He probably won't stop.  At best, he'll hide his viewing from you which will involve lying.  

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You are not alone, most women don't like men watching porn - it can feel like cheating to the woman. He had better stop it or he's going to find himself alone.

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There are plenty of issues for guys who watch porn too much. Number one it gives them a false sense of entitlement of what to expect a woman to look like and what to expect from sex, because all of that is made to cater to men because that's who watch it more than anyone else, so those paid sex workers make them think that it's normal to expect that from a woman. They somehow forget that they're paid sex workers or even in many cases victim women who are being human trafficked. 

 

It can also give them sexual dysfunction in real life because they get used to looking at their favorite scenario or two and that is not likely to be recreated with a real woman who isn't being paid or forced into it. So yes it is a genuine concern and does cause problems. 

And the other thing is that so many of these women are victims or have been victims in the past and they have no empathy for that. 

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11 hours ago, Carolina23 said:

I guess that a disclaimer would be the fact that we have never had sex, mainly bc of my conservative upbringing. 

Intimate loving relationships include sexual expression. If you don't believe in sex outside marriage, get married. I got dumped by plenty of women while dating due to not getting to sex fast enough. You've been together over a year. If he's watching porn, he likes sex. Get in front of the screen and see if he says no to you.

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So, OP, when did you disclose your conservative views on sexual expression to the man who now is your boyfriend? Oh, also, welcome to LS 👍

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Well, let me give a different point of view.  We've been together 42 years and have both watched porn together for all those 42 years.  If you're going to be jealous of him looking at porn or another pretty woman then you're in for a tough haul.

  Jealousy is a relationship killer.  For many couples porn is an aphrodisiac.  It's something the two of you need to work out.  If one of you likes it and the other doesn't that's a problem.

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29 minutes ago, carhill said:

So, OP, when did you disclose your conservative views on sexual expression to the man who now is your boyfriend? Oh, also, welcome to LS 👍

At the very beginning, when we were just friends. He told me he was cool with it and actually liked that about me. 

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Could you possibly find a middle ground with him? Personally don't view porn as being anything of an issue in a relationship, as it is merely a fantasy and a recording of past events with those who are professional porn star/actors/actresses. Even if those involved in the videos happen to be armatures filming their intimate moments, it tends to not be as sensational in that moment vs self pleasuring yourself. It is entirely different watching people perform vs experiencing it in that moment. The other thing to keep in mind,  is that even if your boyfriend does stop watching porn, he can still have the ability to vision himself with a dream figure in similar mental scenes. Porn makes it easier for those fantasies to be played out, without mentally having to create those images yourself. It can become an issue if someone starts to associate porn with real sex and confusing how the female sexual anatomy works, as well becoming mentally addicted to watching porn everyday and abandoning their intimate relationship with their partner. Perhaps he could agree to keep his porn files/dvds private or in a box that is specifically for him. If he were to keep a healthy balance, would him watching porn still bother you?

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So he likes that about you but he keeps right on doing it.  Because he doesn't want YOU doing it.  Even though he will.  

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4 hours ago, elpandillero said:

I used to be quite addicted to porn. It is very unhealthy for your relationship, especially the sexual part, but he doesn't realize that, he is just a victim of the urge to watch porn.

You could challenge him to try not to watch porn for X amount of days. Then see how it affects your sex life. Try to be sensual with him. 

Since I have stopped watching porn, I have much more desire and it changed my sex life for the best.

But he needs to find the inner strength to start the process. Like every addiction, it is far from easy. 

In any case, it has nothing to do with you or your level of attractivness.

the above is right and wrong...

right in that it may hinder his future attraction/feelings for you when you two actually DO have sex.. b/c if anyone has watched Friends... everyone knows, porn is fantasy, it isn't real life.. so he may have expectations of you or of sex, that's unrealistic and he may turn back to porn, b/c what he thinks sex/relationship to be, isn't what he's watched and biochemically addicted to expect.

having said THAT, you really won't know until you do have sex... not to say you should, just so you can keep him or to find out, but honestly, i think you two have a diff problem at the moment than his porn use...

i think you two might have two diff expectations of each other... and that you two may not be right for each other. There, i said it. I was contemplating whether to say it or not, but it's there.. so i said it. lol.

sorry, i know this is a serious issue for you, but ask yourself... is your morality/standards... the same as his?

if it doesn't align, you and him,... will be rather unhappy... and either will be pressured to be someone they may not want to be. His porn is just a symptom of a bigger issue... you have to figure out if you two are ... compatible.

b/c anyone can have sex, and some can have great sex... but i think your standards differs from his.

 

good luck!

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1 hour ago, Carolina23 said:

At the very beginning, when we were just friends. He told me he was cool with it and actually liked that about me. 

He has a whore Madonna complex.  That means he likes bad girls -- the women who will do anything in the porn he watches but he wants his woman (you) to be "pure".  He probably won't even ask you to do the stuff in the movies & would not like you any more if you acted like those "fallen" women.  But he really likes that stuff; he just won't do it with you & will expect you to be OK with him getting his kinks elsewhere. 

Since you object to the porn on any level  & don't want to engage in premarital sex dump him & go find a boy who shares your wholesome values.  

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2 hours ago, Carolina23 said:

At the very beginning, when we were just friends. He told me he was cool with it and actually liked that about me. 

It's great that he respects your decision.  But he still has needs.   If you're not meeting them, he will need to take care of himself - hence the porn.

I think that finding a man who's happy to abstain from both physical sex and porn for self care will be nigh near impossible.   Think about the reality before you make this a hill to die on.

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19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's great that he respects your decision.  But he still has needs.   If you're not meeting them, he will need to take care of himself - hence the porn.

The thing that's likely to be a problem IMO is that if she's unable to tolerate porn, it's uncertain he will be able to easily give it up once she decides to start putting out. Life doesn't always work that neatly. Depends of a lot of factors so I'd say some caution is needed. Probably ideally some flexibility would be best, if possible. 

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thefooloftheyear

Just like a lot of other things in life like video games, shopping, eating too much, etc,, it can be ok in moderation, but when over used and abused it will be a problem..

Like another poster said, it would be very hard to find a guy that doesn't either watch porn, view photos or gif's of naked sexy/hot women, etc....Even in the pre computer days, seemingly all the men had stashes of Hustler/Penthouse, etc....Heck there are even studies that show that viewing these materials help a man maintain and even slightly boost natural testosterone levels...which is generally favorable...

In this day and age, its almost impossible to avoid...Not necessarily the hardcore porn stuff, but everything else up to that is regularly circulated by male friends and even my news feed is constantly bombarded by the sexiest women you would ever see...clickbait type of stuff...So its impractical to avoid it, at least I don't know how to and don't try...

But the year and a half thing has got to be driving the guy bonkers...Its honorable of you and I don't think you should change, but you may not realize what this is doing to him...And with so many women complaining of low drive guys, be careful what you wish for...once you finally open the gates...

I get that its making you insecure...Talk to him about it.....but bear in mind that the dynamics here aren't typical...You would be in a much stronger position if you were available and he was still doing what he is doing...Right now it may be all he has to keep him from losing his mind out of frustration..

TFY

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OP,  what's your boyfriend's relationship history? Also, what's your/his age range? Lastly, have either of you stated you are virgins?

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34 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

I would not have thought we would have agreed on this subject! I like when we do 😁

The only time I have issue with porn is when someone is too wanked out for regular sex.  

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12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

The only time I have issue with porn is when someone is too wanked out for regular sex.  

What, as opposed to contortionist sex? 🙃

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7 hours ago, Carolina23 said:

At the very beginning, when we were just friends. He told me he was cool with it and actually liked that about me. 

Well, I guess he would say that. He doesn't have to fear any man saying something sideways to him about biblically knowing you.

Thing is: he's a sexual being. Instead of pestering you for sex you're not going to give, he goes where he won't be a nuisance. It's unrealistic to think he will stop doing something he's been doing for years before he met you--he'll just find a way to do it where you won't find out. Would you prefer that? Because he's not going to stop--get clear on that. He may love you, but his hormones are driving him much harder than the though of you.

He might not be the guy for you if your expectation is that he should be a virgin until you marry.

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UCanCallMeCrazy

OK - News Flash guys watch porn.  Maybe not every last one but probably most.  I’m sure there are a variety of reasons, but probably most have to do with masturbation and/or something that is missing in their physical relationship with their partners.  Probably Watch it more so when they don’t have an SO at the time.

Once in a relationship, you would think the frequency should be less and it probably is less.  

The OP’s situation is a bit different in that there is an 18 month sexless relationship.  So, no physical outlet for the guy (right)?

He is probably not watching porn to see pretty women.  Probably doing to watch other people have sex, and wishes he could be doing the same with his one and only.

There will be a problem in that it may/will reduce his sexual desire and ability when you decide it is time in your relationship to take to the next level.

Have an adult talk with him and see if there is a compromise.

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I see we have another "watching porn" thread. Well if he isn't watching on a screen he will be running images of other hot women in his brain anyways because that is what most men do during their private time. He will not stop lusting after women even after you are married that's the reality of it. So even if he stops watching porn, it's not going to stop him from imagining it in his head.

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On 2/5/2020 at 11:16 PM, sothereiwas said:

The thing that's likely to be a problem IMO is that if she's unable to tolerate porn, it's uncertain he will be able to easily give it up once she decides to start putting out. Life doesn't always work that neatly.

In my opinion the OP is a conservative person who wholy dislikes and disregards the idea that people have sexual needs, maybe because she doesn't have them or she has been brainwashed that she doesn't have them or that a "good girl" doesn't have sexual needs. I'm not sure that the problem is the porn, her problem is that she told her friend at the time she was a virgin and that she would wait till marriage, he said he respected that, she was happy that he was not against her beliefs and she thought this would mean he had no serious sexual needs as well. She said that he told her about him watching porn and she accepted it, but did she really accept it or maybe she wanted to show that she is cool and open minded? Maybe she had hoped that him being in a relationship (even though sexless) would make him reduce the time of porn watching and well, it didn't. In my opinion she just agreed to something she didn't like hoping "she would change him", as many many women do and then get disappointed.

Anyway, OP your guy is not the one you had hoped for. He will continue to watch the same amount of porn (or more) and he might not be able to quit it if you marry. I suggest you do some thinking of what you want in life because as many posters have already said, you can't find a straight man who won't have sex nor masturbate. So either you find someone and you marry him immediately and have sex with him, or you start to re-evaluate your beliefs of sex being something dirty that only bad girls do.

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