Author Carolina23 Posted February 7, 2020 Author Share Posted February 7, 2020 (edited) So, I think that there are a few misconceptions about what I think or expect out of my relationship. To clear things up a bit, he is not a virgin and I didn’t expect him to be one. I told him that I am, and he agreed to not have sex until we were both ready bc neither one of us believes that it’s something you should just jump into (for me the ideal time would be marriage, but I understand that we’re human and things happen and waiting for marriage is not always realistic). Secondly, maybe I did think by being in a relationship his habits would decrease or stop, and I do think now that maybe that was naive of me. However, I would say that my biggest concern is moving on to the next step of our relationship (having sex) and having these habits continue bc this would make me feel like I’m giving him what he wants yet he is still not satisfied and needs to watch other women. Is that valid? Thanks for the advice everyone. Edited February 7, 2020 by Carolina23 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 1 minute ago, Carolina23 said: However, I would say that my biggest concern is moving on to the next step of our relationship (having sex) and having these habits continue bc this would make me feel like I’m giving him what he wants yet he is still not satisfied and needs to watch other women. Is that valid? IME I would say "sort of". It's likely he wont stop after you two are together, for a number of reasons. None of those reasons are likely to be "wanting other women" though. He's showing a remarkable degree of dedication simply by forgoing actual sex so he can be with you. If he really wanted other women, now is the time he'd go be with them. Simple habit, mismatch of schedules, mismatch of opportunity, and so on will make it unlikely for him to easily stop. If you can understand the real reason you might find it easier to overlook. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 10 minutes ago, Carolina23 said: However, I would say that my biggest concern is moving on to the next step of our relationship (having sex) and having these habits continue bc this would make me feel like I’m giving him what he wants yet he is still not satisfied and needs to watch other women. Is that valid? No it's not valid. All men watch porn occasionally and it goes in one eye and out of their brain at the moment it's finished. He is not comparing these women to you and even when you have sex together he will once in a while have a look *just cause*. As long as it doesn't become an addiction, as long as he prefers sex with you than with his hand in front of a porn, you are doing just fine. You cannot change the way men are wired. Instead of fighting it, try to understand it. There is plenty of literature about it. When we fear something it's usually because we don't understand it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 25 minutes ago, Carolina23 said: However, I would say that my biggest concern is moving on to the next step of our relationship (having sex) and having these habits continue bc this would make me feel like I’m giving him what he wants yet he is still not satisfied and needs to watch other women. Is that valid? - As I suggested in my post over on page one, I think it is valid, because the majority of women feel this way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 32 minutes ago, Carolina23 said: this would make me feel like I’m giving him what he wants This is bothering me. For you sex is only a "gift" you will give to a man? Don't you think also women enjoy sex? Don't you know there are millions of women out there who are actively searching for men (or women) to have sex with because they enjoy it? It's what I thought from the beginning. Your opinion about sex is a bad one, something you are not allowed to enjoy but you can't avoid it either if you are in a serious relationship or marriage so you want to just get it over with (just like our great grandmothers were doing with their husbands). You also think that "giving" sex to a man will mean he will have to give something back and suddenly now you realize that no, it won't happen this way. As I said before, no straight man with normal sexual desires stops porn and/or masturbation even if they are in happy relationships. Hell, many women don't either. They don't see it as "I'm looking to other people because I'm not satisfied with my SO" rather than "I'm eating steaks and healthy food every day, I'd like some fast food just for the sakes of it every once in a while". 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 (edited) Speaking strictly for myself, I wouldn't care that much how much a guy masterbated as long as he wasn't using porn to do it. I don't like that whole sex industry exploits already messed up women and a lot of it is criminal. It bothers me that men go shopping or someone to masturbate to. Just my own personal opinion. Your concerns are valid. Because he sounds kind of extreme. I just don't think he's your match. I think you need to be looking for a guy who doesn't live on the internet and is more active in real life. Edited February 7, 2020 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 (edited) 54 minutes ago, Carolina23 said: However, I would say that my biggest concern is moving on to the next step of our relationship (having sex) and having these habits continue bc this would make me feel like I’m giving him what he wants yet he is still not satisfied and needs to watch other women. Is that valid? No. Well, I'll backtrack a bit... I think it's valid to want whatever you want in a partner. If you absolutely need a partner who doesn't watch porn, then, well, that's what you need. Personally, as a woman who watches plenty of it, I wouldn't be with a partner who saw fit to decree that I should not, but it's a "different strokes for different folks" thing. If you really feel this strongly about it, you shouldn't feel compelled to "deal with it". But this sentence of yours just feels really warped to me. Do you really feel like sex is just "you giving him what he wants"? I feel like that's a really, really sad life to live. Both for you and for him. That sentence, more than anything else, is what indicates a problematic view of sex and sexuality, to me. IME, when done well, with a compatible partner, sex is one of those rare few things in life that can be almost 100% win/win for both parties. No givers or takers required. That's mostly how I feel about it with H, anyway. Edited February 7, 2020 by Elswyth 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Carolina23 said: and he agreed to not have sex until we were both ready Ready for you is marriage---are you saying you're ready for marriage right now just so he won't masturbate to porn? That's unrealistic on all fronts. Quote maybe I did think by being in a relationship his habits would decrease or stop, No, actually it's quite the opposite. He'd want to have a consistent sexual relationship with you, not stop or decrease sex. As long as he's not avoiding you and preferring the porn, you can work with that. It's when they prefer porn to a warm body next to them that there is a problem--and that problem is mainly intimacy avoidance. Edited February 7, 2020 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 He is not going to stop porn if he's that into it. I mean he could be masturbating to thinking about you and he probably is some, but he's not going to stop porn just because he starts having sex with you or is married to you. I would find a guy who isn't that preoccupied with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 6 hours ago, Carolina23 said: So, I think that there are a few misconceptions about what I think or expect out of my relationship. To clear things up a bit, he is not a virgin and I didn’t expect him to be one. I told him that I am, and he agreed to not have sex until we were both ready bc neither one of us believes that it’s something you should just jump into (for me the ideal time would be marriage, but I understand that we’re human and things happen and waiting for marriage is not always realistic). Secondly, maybe I did think by being in a relationship his habits would decrease or stop, and I do think now that maybe that was naive of me. However, I would say that my biggest concern is moving on to the next step of our relationship (having sex) and having these habits continue bc this would make me feel like I’m giving him what he wants yet he is still not satisfied and needs to watch other women. Is that valid? Thanks for the advice everyone. In my personal experience, when I'm sexually active I watch significantly less porn than when single/not hooking up. Also, from your OP, you mentioned something about worrying about him being attracted to other women. The reality is he will be just as you are to other men. But that doesn't mean he wants to be with them over you, just like you don't want to be with them instead of him, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 at the end of the day, OP, you cannot climb into his head and direct traffic. You either trust him or you don't; and if you don't, why are you wasting time with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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