Had an affair for over 4 years

[guiltstricken]

Hi everyone. 
I am a man in late 30s, and I have been married for 9 years. I had an affair with another woman for a little over four years. We ended our relationship when I had to move to a different location far away. 
 

My wife has been living separately because of work. I became lonely, and fell in love with a mistress. Mistress knew from the beginning that I was married.

Since I lived separately with my wife, I basically moved in with the mistress, and we spent most our last few years together. 
We both agreed that we should not be in relationship anymore, and me moving to another location gave us the opportunity to do just that. She initially had a hard time getting back on her feet, and it seemed to me that I was going to okay. Sad, but okay. However, in the last couple of months she seems to be totally gotten over me, but I realize that I am the one trying to hold onto her. I think about her all the time. Whatever I eat, I wish I could share with her. Wherever I go, I think of her. 
We still text and talk in daily basis. I am the one who mostly starts the conversation, and we don’t talk anything sexual or intimate, but I do find comfort talking to her. 
 

I feel like in order for me to move on and not think of her all the time, I need to completely block all communication with her. But there’s something inside me that still wants to be a part of her life, even if I’m not her lover. I feel like I can still be a good friend for her, and that I want to hold onto her by being her friend. 
 

One thing I know for sure is that I will never ever get into another relationship with a mistress again. 
 

It’s killing me inside and I am thinking about seeing a psychiatrist.

If you were/are in a similar situation, or have something to share, please leave me some replies. Thank you for reading.

Edited February 5, 2020 by whativedone14

[Amethyst68]

The only person I feel sorry for is the one you seem to have forgotten existed - your wife!

I hope you've admitted to what you've done and set this woman free. That you cheated for almost half your marriage is bad enough but  you basically created a second family, almost bigamy without going through a facade of a wedding. That is truly horrible and damaging to your BW (betrayed wife), remember her?

BTW I'm not being sarcastic, you truly have seemed to create a complete second life with no thought to your wife. Try acting like a grown adult and own your actions, tell your BW the truth and face the consequences.

 

 

[schlumpy]

What kind cultural nuances am I missing here? Were you forced to marry your wife? Your wife has a job that enables her to live separately from you to the point that you can move in with someone else and still pretend you're married? What kind of culture sanctions that? Did you let your wife know that she was in an open relationship so she could share in the benefits? Is there an understanding between the two of you?

Not a mention of love or one thought for your wife in the entire post. 

The answer is simple. You are in love with the other woman. Dump your wife and beg the OW to take you back.

Once you fix the mess you've made try to live a more honorable life.

 

[guiltstricken]

16 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

The only person I feel sorry for is the one you seem to have forgotten existed - your wife!

I hope you've admitted to what you've done and set this woman free. That you cheated for almost half your marriage is bad enough but  you basically created a second family, almost bigamy without going through a facade of a wedding. That is truly horrible and damaging to your BW (betrayed wife), remember her?

BTW I'm not being sarcastic, you truly have seemed to create a complete second life with no thought to your wife. Try acting like a grown adult and own your actions, tell your BW the truth and face the consequences.

 

 

Thank you for your thoughts it does mean a lot

[guiltstricken]

2 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

What kind cultural nuances am I missing here? Were you forced to marry your wife? Your wife has a job that enables her to live separately from you to the point that you can move in with someone else and still pretend you're married? What kind of culture sanctions that? Did you let your wife know that she was in an open relationship so she could share in the benefits? Is there an understanding between the two of you?

Not a mention of love or one thought for your wife in the entire post. 

The answer is simple. You are in love with the other woman. Dump your wife and beg the OW to take you back.

Once you fix the mess you've made try to live a more honorable life.

 

Thanks for the feedback. It does mean a lot

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, guiltstricken said:

I feel like in order for me to move on and not think of her all the time, I need to completely block all communication with her.

This is exactly what you do!

You should also make allot more effort with your wife.

It's odd that you are married but live separately.

I know it's due to work but, come on, make some effort to be together.

This mistress needs to completely disappear from you life.

[guiltstricken]

23 minutes ago, JTSW said:

This is exactly what you do!

You should also make allot more effort with your wife.

It's odd that you are married but live separately.

I know it's due to work but, come on, make some effort to be together.

This mistress needs to completely disappear from you life.

Thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate it.

[Amethyst68]

40 minutes ago, JTSW said:

This is exactly what you do!

You should also make allot more effort with your wife.

It's odd that you are married but live separately.

I know it's due to work but, come on, make some effort to be together.

This mistress needs to completely disappear from you life.

It's going to take a lot more than this, this man set up house and lived with another woman for 4 years or more. That level of deception takes a lot of planning and scheming. The least his BW needs is full knowledge and the ability to make informed decisions about her life. Not least of which is that she needs to go for STI testing!

Unless your BW is completely aware and you are in an open marriage. I doubt that is the case or you would not be calling it an affair.

 

[guiltstricken]

4 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

It's going to take a lot more than this, this man set up house and lived with another woman for 4 years or more. That level of deception takes a lot of planning and scheming. The least his BW needs is full knowledge and the ability to make informed decisions about her life. Not least of which is that she needs to go for STI testing!

Unless your BW is completely aware and you are in an open marriage. I doubt that is the case or you would not be calling it an affair.

 

You are correct. I think I would need more than that to clean up the mess I’ve created.
Thank you for your thoughts.

[BaileyB]

You can’t maintain a friendship with a woman who has/had romantic feelings for you. That you could even hope to try is very selfish, it’s not fair to either woman.

If I was your wife, I would want to know what you have done. It’s not fair to deny her the information to be able to make an informed decision about her life. 

[guiltstricken]

 What I have done and put my wife, mistress and myself is something I deeply regret. It is something I should be condemned for. At the same time I posted my situation because I feel like I need advice and help to go through what I’m going through. So I don’t want to reject any ideas that I don’t like at the moment, or accept ideas that makes sense.

I am truly grateful that you guys are taking a few minutes of your time to give me your thoughts.

Edited February 6, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[guiltstricken]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

You can’t maintain a friendship with a woman who has/had romantic feelings for you. That you could even hope to try is very selfish, it’s not fair to either woman.

If I was your wife, I would want to know what you have done. It’s not fair to deny her the information to be able to make an informed decision about her life. 

Thank you. 
Being a friend was something that my mistress also wanted, but I do see that it is very selfish on my part. Like not wanting to let go of both.

Thanks again.

[spiritedaway2003]

Hi OP, 

I think some of the comments are fair but unnecessarily harsh.  You feel what you feel and you’ve done what you’ve done.  It’s too late to undo them.  

A couple of thoughts:

1.  You should get yourself some help for whatever you are dealing with.  I don’t know if guilt is there given the length of the affair. Take time to understand why you cheat or if it’s a byproduct of your loneliness or something else.  Figure why or if you need to stay in your marriage.  An affair, especially a long term one, is damaging to all involved.  Yes, including yourself.

2.  Figure out your marriage. I would say talk to your wife and confess.  Give her the agency to decide on what’s next.  Kids together?  Be prepared that she might want to divorce you but she has the right to make that decision.  Give her a chance to find that happiness if it can’t be with you.

3.  If you can’t commit to the AP, let the AP go and let her find her happiness too.  Go full NC.  You are not doing yourself or her any favors by being friends.  If you still have feelings for her (or she for you), you can’t be just friends.  After 4 years, going NC is no doubt hard, but should you decide to work on your marriage (if it’s even possible) that will have to be.

It absolutely can’t hurt to go to therapy and talk about how you got here.  Maybe it would give you more clarity about how you want to live your life.  Best of luck in all the choices you have to make ahead of you.

Edited February 5, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[guiltstricken]

2 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

Hi OP, 

I think some of the comments are fair but unnecessarily harsh.  You feel what you feel and you’ve done what you’ve done.  It’s too late to undo them.  

A couple of thoughts:

1.  You should get yourself some help for whatever you are dealing with.  I don’t know if guilt is there given the affair length of the affair. Take time to understand why you cheat or if it’s a byproduct of your loneliness or something else.  Figure why or if you need to stay in your marriage.  An affair, especially a long term one, is damaging to all involved.  Yes, including yourself.

2.  Figure out your marriage. I would say talk to your wife and confess given the affair.  Give her the agency to decide what’s next.  Kids together?  Be prepared that she might want to divorce you but she has the right to make that decision.  Give her a chance to find that happiness if it can’t be with you.

3.  If you can’t commit to the AP, let the AP go and let her find her happiness too.  Go full NC.  You are not doing yourself or her any favors by being friends.  If you still have feelings for her (or the same), you can’t be just friends.  After 4 years, going NC is no doubt hard, but should you decide to work on your marriage (if it’s even possible) that will have to be.

It absolutely can’t hurt to go to therapy and talk about how you got here.  Maybe it would give you more clarity about how you want to live your life.  Best of luck in all the choices you have to make ahead of you.

Thank you for your kind words. It really does mean a lot to me.

1. I will. I definitely feel guilty, to both my wife and my mistress. 
2. I accept and agree that she has all the right to make those decisions.

3. You are right. I really need to set in stone in my mind that this is the best way, and not being friends with her. It’s best for everybody.

 

[pepperbird]

51 minutes ago, guiltstricken said:

Thank you for your kind words. It really does mean a lot to me.

1. I will. I definitely feel guilty, to both my wife and my mistress. 
2. I accept and agree that she has all the right to make those decisions.

3. You are right. I really need to set in stone in my mind that this is the best way, and not being friends with her. It’s best for everybody.

 

this is going to sound harsh, but if you can accept that, read on. It's not going to have any hand holding, and it may not be what you need right now. If you're still feeling really raw, you might not want to continue reading- fair warning.

First, this is didn't happen to you. It didn't happen to your other woman. you both knew, right from the start, you were married and you both made the fully informed decision  to go full steam ahead. effectively, this is the outcome you both chose, all that time ago. why/ why were you both play with this level of deception going on for years?

I would start doing some serious soul searching. Setting aside your ow for the moment. Consider how you have lied, for YEARS at that, to your wife. You could have asked her for a divorce. You could have been honest, told her your marriage isn't working out and you feel like you would both be happier divorced. You could even have parted on good terms and remind friendly, or at least cordial. Instead, you chose a path that was easiest for you. Why? Why did you feel comfortable asking your wife/ family to pay the price for the two of you top be in a relationship?

I know it;s easy to come with lots of rationalizations for what you and the ow have done, but really, it comes right down to this. Say it was your son or duaghter in your wife's position and their spouse pulled this sort of stunt. How would you feel? Would you you have much sympathy? My guess would be "no".

At any rate, you have some choices to make. You can choose to wallow where you are, feeling bad or you can chose to stand up, take a good look around where you you are and begin making decisions  that take the feelings of your wife and family into account. That doesn't mean you have to stay married, but it does mean honestly has been in very short supply from you and it's time for that to change. be the kind of person who you can feel good about. Yes, it's hard, but in the end, the things that are hardest won are often the most valuable.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

7 hours ago, guiltstricken said:

It’s killing me inside and I am thinking about seeing a psychiatrist.

If you were/are in a similar situation, or have something to share, please leave me some replies. Thank you for reading.

A psychiatrist isn't a panacea for removing guilt. Seeing a professional will help figure out why you are so callous and cold towards your wife. However, the guilt will eat away at you until you come clean with your wife. She deserves to know that her husband had lived a secret double-life for for 4 years.

What would I do? Divorce your poor wife. She deserves better than this!

[SummerDreams]

You seem like a decent man and I think you are the harshest critic of yourself. I would suggest that you start therapy in order to be helped understand why you did what you did and what are the best steps to move forward. No need to go through this alone. Best of luck

[guiltstricken]

3 hours ago, pepperbird said:

this is going to sound harsh, but if you can accept that, read on. It's not going to have any hand holding, and it may not be what you need right now. If you're still feeling really raw, you might not want to continue reading- fair warning.

First, this is didn't happen to you. It didn't happen to your other woman. you both knew, right from the start, you were married and you both made the fully informed decision  to go full steam ahead. effectively, this is the outcome you both chose, all that time ago. why/ why were you both play with this level of deception going on for years?

I would start doing some serious soul searching. Setting aside your ow for the moment. Consider how you have lied, for YEARS at that, to your wife. You could have asked her for a divorce. You could have been honest, told her your marriage isn't working out and you feel like you would both be happier divorced. You could even have parted on good terms and remind friendly, or at least cordial. Instead, you chose a path that was easiest for you. Why? Why did you feel comfortable asking your wife/ family to pay the price for the two of you top be in a relationship?

I know it;s easy to come with lots of rationalizations for what you and the ow have done, but really, it comes right down to this. Say it was your son or duaghter in your wife's position and their spouse pulled this sort of stunt. How would you feel? Would you you have much sympathy? My guess would be "no".

At any rate, you have some choices to make. You can choose to wallow where you are, feeling bad or you can chose to stand up, take a good look around where you you are and begin making decisions  that take the feelings of your wife and family into account. That doesn't mean you have to stay married, but it does mean honestly has been in very short supply from you and it's time for that to change. be the kind of person who you can feel good about. Yes, it's hard, but in the end, the things that are hardest won are often the most valuable.

Thank you. It wasn’t harsh. Two of the things that you mentioned that I really need to do is soul searching and starting to make decisions. There are no rationalizations. I have made bad choices and yes, I do need to own up.

[guiltstricken]

3 hours ago, Betrayed&Stayed said:

A psychiatrist isn't a panacea for removing guilt. Seeing a professional will help figure out why you are so callous and cold towards your wife. However, the guilt will eat away at you until you come clean with your wife. She deserves to know that her husband had lived a secret double-life for for 4 years.

What would I do? Divorce your poor wife. She deserves better than this!

Thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate it. 

[guiltstricken]

3 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

You seem like a decent man and I think you are the harshest critic of yourself. I would suggest that you start therapy in order to be helped understand why you did what you did and what are the best steps to move forward. No need to go through this alone. Best of luck

Thank you for your kind words. They mean way more than you would imagine. 

[elaine567]

10 hours ago, guiltstricken said:

She initially had a hard time getting back on her feet, and it seemed to me that I was going to okay. Sad, but okay. However, in the last couple of months she seems to be totally gotten over me, but I realize that I am the one trying to hold onto her.

That is because she realises that it would never have worked out well because you were married.
She can hold onto that thought and thus distance herself.  It is a lot easier to get over someone when the negatives outnumber the positives
Then it is onwards and upwards as she realises there is an exciting world out there waiting....
Being an OW is often hard emotionally and getting rid of that "burden" can be a bit of a relief for some.

You on the other hand are going back to the lonely existence you lived before you met her, and that is no fun whatsoever for you.

[guiltstricken]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

That is because she realises that it would never have worked out well because you were married.
She can hold onto that thought and thus distance herself.  It is a lot easier to get over someone when the negatives outnumber the positives
Then it is onwards and upwards as she realises there is an exciting world out there waiting....
Being an OW is often hard emotionally and getting rid of that "burden" can be a bit of a relief for some.

You on the other hand are going back to the lonely existence you lived before you met her, and that is no fun whatsoever for you.

You are absolutely correct about me and her. 
And I’m just trying to make a right out of wrong I guess. I know there’s not going to be a best choice decision, so I’m trying to get to the least worst decision, for all three of us involved. And of course, I should be the lowest priority.

Thank you for your thoughts. 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, guiltstricken said:

. I know there’s not going to be a best choice decision, so I’m trying to get to the least worst decision

What decision for the three of you?
Your OW has moved on - leave her alone.
 

[guiltstricken]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

What decision for the three of you?
Your OW has moved on - leave her alone.
 

As I mentioned we still talk as friends. 

[elaine567]

But it is killing you.
Leave her alone.is my advice.
You are never going to heal otherwise.
You will just keep picking at the scab.