mark clemson Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 That's true, the risk of a Dday is a risk taken. It's a risk actualized by telling, but at least the WW told not the AP. Again, my view is it's situational and can be seen either way. There are certainly arguments for and against. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 22 hours ago, Amethyst68 said: I've yet to see a BS say don't tell, the advice to keep an affair secret always seems to come from those who have cheated themselves in some way. I think it says a lot about the person's mindset. It's interesting that the people who either cheated or were the om/ow so often recommend keeping the deception while the BS recommend honesty. To me, that would indicate that, at least to many BS< honesty is the better policy, at least with respect to affairs. 23 hours ago, mark clemson said: While I respect your view, this is a decker cube that one could see either way, ie, not telling protects the marriage if an affair is engaged in. It's also somewhat dependent on the specifics of the situation. The WS is doing something that damages the marriage, completely true. But the damage may be less (possibly significantly less, depending on the specifics of the marriage and of the affair) if the affair is never discovered. Not telling can protect the marriage from additional damage. (It does of course, protect the WS too - that is absolutely correct.) Of course, WS taking a risk that the affair would be discovered, which would cause even more damage to the marriage. One could also argue, in some cases, that telling is a selfish act on the part of the WS to protect themselves from feelings of guilt while causing additional damage to the marriage. So, I certainly don't see this a cut and dried (although some folks do). It is certainly true that never having an affair in the first place is best - no "protecting" required. it's this "grey thinking" that often starts the problem in the first place. Besides, what makes a WS eel they are in ANY position to decide their spouse's future for them? That's the same sort of selfish thinking that lets affairs start in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 3 hours ago, pepperbird said: it's this "grey thinking" that often starts the problem in the first place. Besides, what makes a WS eel they are in ANY position to decide their spouse's future for them? Your positions are reasonable. That said this is all very debatable and there are other views that have logic and coherence as well. However, diving down those rabbit holes would take this thread way off course. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 On 2/5/2020 at 9:30 PM, guiltstricken said: And mistress she has every right to break up with me and find her own life, another boyfriend etc. I just feel like if I give her a cold shoulder from now on I’ll be a worse person. This is how I feel emotionally now. More objectively, yes I do think I would need to stop contacting her. It seems as you are giving Her the cold shoulder. And it appears that you do not care. And she may see it this way. And you may feel that way too. But the best thing you can do for her , or even yourself, is let her go and let her be. That will be the best scenario for her from here on out. Hurts like hell. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 op, when it comes right down to it, you simply can;t have your feet in two gardens. Neither gets tended properly and they both wither. Pick one, and whichever one it might be, and spend your time and energy tending that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 hm, similar story to mine. i'd suggest a therapist. i think what you are missing isn't your mistress but what she represented... it's the fact she got over you, that you're suddenly missing her... also, any kind of "trying to be her friend" is just gonna hurt you more and it's your rationale to keep the relationship going. Trust me, end it. you won't heal until then. don't succumb to short term feeling good, for a life time of misery. time to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author guiltstricken Posted March 2, 2020 Author Share Posted March 2, 2020 On 2/22/2020 at 6:03 AM, 2BGoodAgain said: hm, similar story to mine. i'd suggest a therapist. i think what you are missing isn't your mistress but what she represented... it's the fact she got over you, that you're suddenly missing her... also, any kind of "trying to be her friend" is just gonna hurt you more and it's your rationale to keep the relationship going. Trust me, end it. you won't heal until then. don't succumb to short term feeling good, for a life time of misery. time to move on. thanks for the advice. i think u r absolutely right. time for me to act Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 2, 2020 Share Posted March 2, 2020 You were going to do something st the beginning of February, it is now March, what have you actually done in the meantime? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 2, 2020 Share Posted March 2, 2020 Did you move? And did you go no contact? Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted March 2, 2020 Share Posted March 2, 2020 Why did work cause you and your wife to live separately? Are you living with your wife again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author guiltstricken Posted March 22, 2020 Author Share Posted March 22, 2020 Hi everyone, its been about three weeks since I last replied. I hope everyone is safe and well. The things that have been going on in world really made me feel how insignificant we are. Here I am concerned about me, my life, and trying to get advice on what what I should do to better my life, and there have been some people genuinely caring, and there have been some people who wanted to shoot me in the head. I’m with both, and there are people that spent time for me to give their opinions, and I genuinely appreciate it. At this stage, yes I have NCed, and I’m trying my best with my wife to make things work. I haven’t opened up the affair with her, but it’s not looking good without it anyways - neither of us seem to have love for each other. i’ll definitely keep ya’ll updated and at the same time I am doing what I can do to mitigate (I know that’s not the perfect word I’m looking for) what I did in the past. What I do now and from now on I’m not taking advice from anybody - I have already decided what I’m gonna do. I will keep ya’ll updated and please know that what I do from now on some might be happy and some might not, but please respect what I am going thru and let me handle the situation(instead of telling me what to do). i really appreciate a lot of advices a lot of you gave me. I dont know none of ya’ll faces but I have nothing but love for all of you. Stay safe brothers and sisters. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 4 hours ago, guiltstricken said: Hi everyone, its been about three weeks since I last replied. I hope everyone is safe and well. The things that have been going on in world really made me feel how insignificant we are. Here I am concerned about me, my life, and trying to get advice on what what I should do to better my life, and there have been some people genuinely caring, and there have been some people who wanted to shoot me in the head. I’m with both, and there are people that spent time for me to give their opinions, and I genuinely appreciate it. At this stage, yes I have NCed, and I’m trying my best with my wife to make things work. I haven’t opened up the affair with her, but it’s not looking good without it anyways - neither of us seem to have love for each other. i’ll definitely keep ya’ll updated and at the same time I am doing what I can do to mitigate (I know that’s not the perfect word I’m looking for) what I did in the past. What I do now and from now on I’m not taking advice from anybody - I have already decided what I’m gonna do. I will keep ya’ll updated and please know that what I do from now on some might be happy and some might not, but please respect what I am going thru and let me handle the situation(instead of telling me what to do). i really appreciate a lot of advices a lot of you gave me. I dont know none of ya’ll faces but I have nothing but love for all of you. Stay safe brothers and sisters. sometimes all you can do is make the best decisions you can based on the information you currently have. It sounds like that's just what you;re doing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 I hope you find happiness. I really believe that you and your wife had gone your separate ways with out making it official. How else could you have moved in with another woman for almost 4 years and your wife never knew. I would suggest filing for divorce and contacting the woman you are in love with after you have filed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JimmyNorth Posted April 5, 2020 Share Posted April 5, 2020 On 3/22/2020 at 8:10 AM, guiltstricken said: Hi everyone, its been about three weeks since I last replied. I hope everyone is safe and well. The things that have been going on in world really made me feel how insignificant we are. Here I am concerned about me, my life, and trying to get advice on what what I should do to better my life, and there have been some people genuinely caring, and there have been some people who wanted to shoot me in the head. I’m with both, and there are people that spent time for me to give their opinions, and I genuinely appreciate it. At this stage, yes I have NCed, and I’m trying my best with my wife to make things work. I haven’t opened up the affair with her, but it’s not looking good without it anyways - neither of us seem to have love for each other. i’ll definitely keep ya’ll updated and at the same time I am doing what I can do to mitigate (I know that’s not the perfect word I’m looking for) what I did in the past. What I do now and from now on I’m not taking advice from anybody - I have already decided what I’m gonna do. I will keep ya’ll updated and please know that what I do from now on some might be happy and some might not, but please respect what I am going thru and let me handle the situation(instead of telling me what to do). i really appreciate a lot of advices a lot of you gave me. I dont know none of ya’ll faces but I have nothing but love for all of you. Stay safe brothers and sisters. Here’s s thought coming from a MM who had a double life with a mistress. At the moment the reason why you feel there is no love with your wife is because you are still in a fog with your OW. Look, I get it.... you still have thoughts about your mistress. She just feels so good and makes you happy inside. You enjoy your time with her and all the little things that come with it. You “say” you would understand if she gets another boyfriend...BUT...let’s see when that actually happens and she moves on thus making her unavailable to you. You might actually flip out!! There is something about this mistress that made you feel so good that it was able to make you “forget” about your wife in a sense. Yes, you love your wife, but your passion for her has sailed away. Im willing to bet You want your mistress. Would you be able to be super honest with us here and tell us who you are thinking about while laying down on your pillow in bed at night?? Not trying to sound harsh. I’m just talking from a perspective because I was you a while ago. In case you’re wondering, my mistress is now my girlfriend. I divorced my BS and she is now is free to live her life with a man that will love her as much as she does!! Link to post Share on other sites
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