Angel29 Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 About 8 years ago I had some friends who either had severe mental health issues, were bullies or we had no common ground. I joined meetup groups to meet some like minded people. My old 'friends' slowly faded away. I made some fantastic friends over the years through meetups and we would do our own things away from the group and go on holiday etc. Several years on I feel I am in the same predicament. Most of my friends seemed to have gone in different directions in life, some are career focused, or bought a house so cannot afford to come out due to a mortgage or are married with a child and refuse to come out due to 'childcare' issues. Whilst I understand it is part of life I don't understand why people just drop their friends because something else come along. Social media does not help as it seems other people are always out enjoying themselves but I know this is not the reality as I saw one guy who is a 'party animal' food shopping in the evening. The loneliness is starting to affect my mental health. Should I try reconnecting with my old friends, or go back to meetup again or try something new? I know of other people who have bought houses and had families yet they still make time for their friends. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 It's common that people who follow different paths in life start to move away from their friends. I don't think that they were not really friends necessarily (some really weren't) but I think that life just takes you to different places when you grow older. I would suggest that you come to terms with this fact, it happens to everyone, and find new people who have similar mindset and lifestyle as you do. Don't take it personally and feel bad. If anything, it's the old friends' fault and not yours. They changed and abandoned you, you had nothing to do with it. Best wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 18 hours ago, Angel29 said: The loneliness is starting to affect my mental health. Should I try reconnecting with my old friends, or go back to meetup again or try something new? By all means. Actually try all of the above. I haven't used them, but I understand there are now friendship apps (specifically for friendships, as opposed to say meetups or interest groups). So that's a new thing you could try. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 In my life... I've had 4 distinct sets of friends. AND... at one point... there was some sadness for me during one of those times. (Actually triggered me to move) Anyway... it's just a fact of life that your friends will change. People move, and it's not easy or feasible to maintain a real "Friendship" with them. People change interests, and fade out. People develop new beliefs and will not "Mesh" with you anymore. With that said... I kind of feel there is some resentment in the comments about kids and houses, and I get the feeling that you are still young(ish). That one is VERY real... and you just have to come to grips that people grow up. In college I was a DJ, and I was at every party, and had a huge group of friends because of that. But after... I had a 9 to 5 job, and bills. A couple years after that... I had a house. And a few years after that... I had kids. I stopped going out, and "Partying" because I had other responsibilities, and I just didn't want to go out drinking. Over the last 20 years... My real friends have probably dropped down to 5 or 6 people who I can really count on. (who aren't family) I have a couple from where I grew up, but they are just phone call people... and I have a couple college friends who have moved, but because of social media... I stay in touch. Anyway... it's just way life is. As above... use any method you like to find new friends. (club, meet-up, or reconnect with old friends) As an FYI... after my divorce... I reconnected with several old college friends. most of them are just chatting... but we had things in common at one time, and it feels good to just talk sometimes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 If you want to stay friends with people at different life stages than you you probably have to be interested and join in the things going on in their lives, the kids, mortgages, jobs, house renovations etc. I had to take a few months off work when I got sick, and I was very lonely, everyone was busy with their lives plus with anxiety disorder I would go on and on about the same things etc My best friends talked to me about not doing that, and sent me cards from their travels and notes of encouragement when I wasn't well enough to go out. And I had a rule of chatting to people out and about, the server or shop assistant or my neighbours. I had a doctor counselling me at that time, since then I have found another guy who has become a life coach role now I'm mostly well. I have meet-up groups I can go out to parties and meals with, though I rarely do, and my church has a book club and social events. One of my best friends lives 800 miles away so we just talk on the phone, and have kept in close touch for 15 years like that, some I correspond with online or via letter. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 hang in there.... loneliness suckles noodles balls... it can come on suddenly and disappear without you even noticing... i'm not saying you shouldn't make friends, etc... but have you thought about why you need them so much? i mean, no one likes to be lonely...mind you... im' not saying there's anything wrong with you, but friends tend to come and go... no everyone has those life long friends, we see in movies or on TV shows... i think for most people, most friends tend to be transitional... depending on what part of life you're in... etc... but you might want to talk to a counselor/therapist about why having this transition is affecting you so much? perhaps you're a very social person, and you need that interaction to go from day to day... i, myself, wherever i work.. am hugely affected by how i think people perceive me... but that has more to do with my low self esteem, i think.... so, you might wanna look inward and see where the source of this loneliness is coming from... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 9 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said: so, you might wanna look inward and see where the source of this loneliness is coming from... Maybe it's the realization that life goes on, people grow up, they change their needs, people come and go and we are left alone to figure it out. I'm an introvert so loneliness doesn't scare me but I can understand how people can be terrified by it. In my opinion it's best if an individual learns how to feel happy by themselves first and then search for friends or partners. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angel29 Posted February 6, 2020 Author Share Posted February 6, 2020 51 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said: you might want to talk to a counselor/therapist about why having this transition is affecting you so much? perhaps you're a very social person, and you need that interaction to go from day to day... I am happy with my own company but last month I went out once with a friend. I am quite a social person and don't want to wait once a month just to see a friend for 2 hours. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 3 hours ago, Angel29 said: I am happy with my own company but last month I went out once with a friend. I am quite a social person and don't want to wait once a month just to see a friend for 2 hours. I've met all sorts of people... like my mother... omg she's a social butterfly... i suspect a spy, but that's a different forum... she once asked me to call her twice a week to show i cared.. called 4x a week, and kept getting voice mails... to which she replied... i was busy... yeah. blank look on my end... anyway, the point i'm making is... perhaps you should find a friend who wants to spend as much time with you as you do with them...or perhaps as much of a social person as you are... that might help the mismatch you are experiencing? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 4 hours ago, SummerDreams said: Maybe it's the realization that life goes on, people grow up, they change their needs, people come and go and we are left alone to figure it out. I'm an introvert so loneliness doesn't scare me but I can understand how people can be terrified by it. In my opinion it's best if an individual learns how to feel happy by themselves first and then search for friends or partners. i've actually had seasons where i'm only home to take a shower or sleep... and all the other hours outside socializing/working/etc... and then there are times, i'm perfectly content meeting up with friends once a month or two, over lunch to go over changes/share events, etc... I THINK i'm a natural introvert... but it's kinda weird.... once you meet someone who re-awakens a social part of you that you didn't know you had... then when they're suddenly gone, you miss it... or perhaps you miss the highs you get from that interaction, and you miss that feeling, if not necessarily the actual person. I recently moved to a completely foreign part of the country, and i gotta tell you... it isn't so much as a cultural shock.. or lack of culture.. lol... but i've been feeling a bit lonely myself... isn't that weird? and yes, i have a gf. which has led me to think that perhaps what i miss is the feeling/high i got previously... and now it's gone, and i can't get my fix as easily as before.. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 4 hours ago, SummerDreams said: Maybe it's the realization that life goes on, people grow up, they change their needs, people come and go and we are left alone to figure it out. I'm an introvert so loneliness doesn't scare me but I can understand how people can be terrified by it. In my opinion it's best if an individual learns how to feel happy by themselves first and then search for friends or partners. and i completely agree... you need to find the happiness within you... first. but outside sources can help the transition bit... Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 Angel... out of curiosity... do you have a significant other in your life? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MeadowFlower Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 On 2/6/2020 at 6:18 PM, mark clemson said: I haven't used them, but I understand there are now friendship apps (specifically for friendships, as opposed to say meetups or interest groups). So that's a new thing you could try. Which apps are they? Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 15 hours ago, Angel29 said: I am happy with my own company but last month I went out once with a friend. I am quite a social person and don't want to wait once a month just to see a friend for 2 hours. That's where my meet-up groups and church connections fill the gaps, then if there's any space left the people near me in service jobs ( 'establish a coffee shop/restaurant/supermarket/library' etc where people get to know you by name was a great piece of advice for me years ago ) then the internet forums like this ( be selective, 'trolls' will drain your energy...) And in the times when it really is a barren social wasteland ( summer gets like this in Texas when it's too hot to do more than basics...Christmas is often like this everywhere as people with families gravitate there and not with their single friends ) well plan outings with yourself, go somewhere you've wanted to go. Pack a picnic. Read a good book, watch a movie. I have three or four local restaurants with healthy food, I go there alone to eat healthy and 'regroup'! My dog is a constant companion too. The best tonic for loneliness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 1 hour ago, Ellener said: My dog is a constant companion too. The best tonic for loneliness. 😍 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angel29 Posted February 7, 2020 Author Share Posted February 7, 2020 15 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said: Angel... out of curiosity... do you have a significant other in your life? I am single but am not searching for a partner as they should not be used to fill a void which a lot of people do. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 34 minutes ago, Angel29 said: I am single but am not searching for a partner as they should not be used to fill a void which a lot of people do. that's very true,... but i also say you should be honest with your feelings too. i think a better way to paraphrase that is.. more like... you shouldn't be searching for a partner ONLY to fill that void in your life... i think part of role of a partner is to help the loneliness... a person is NOT an island by himself/herself.. yes, you should have an inner strength/peace/etc... but sometimes, that comes into being over time... with our interactions with others.. but it really depends on your mental, physical, emotional, spiritual needs. No one set plan fits all people... we're all individuals, so sometimes, we need to be flexible to what we need, as well. so perhaps, seeking someone to help with our lonliness, and whatever goals you have in mind... is worthwhile to look into. I also say, sometimes, it doesn't matter how two people meet up... sometimes it starts as a hook up, sometimes, it could be that chance encounter, sometimes.. it starts as a rebound(though i don't recommend this)... each situation has it's perils and pros. obviously, if you meet someone at a strip joint, depending on your values/expectations/etc... it may NOT be the most viable way to meet your long term partner, for example... but i've met many folks who fell in love with whom they met, and it's hilarious how they met, or how they ended up together... many times, there is no fairy tale encounter that hollywood, music, songs of old or new, keep telling us... sometimes, we meet someone thinking it's one thing, to find out it becomes something truly beautiful... every relationship however they start, will have their fights, and struggles, and compromises to make it work.... just a thought for you... :) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 2 hours ago, SummerDreams said: 😍 i prefer my fish... which reminds me, i should start up my SW aquarium again... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 8 hours ago, MeadowFlower said: Which apps are they? I don't use them. So I did a google search. There may be better ones out there than what's "promoted" most heavily, but among those I saw listed (and this is by no means a recommendation, just reading back some web results, I'm not even 100% what some of these apps are FOR, so keep that in mind): ATLETO Squad Bumble BFF Hey! Real Tinder Social Maybe try your own search if you don't like these. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 the friends that have the children, you could perhaps buy them a present or something for their birthdays- your friends will think "ah she values my children" and may be more motivated to make an effort to make time for you again, ideally I suppose you are better off to find new friends with common ground,but sometimes if you want to keep old friendships going you have to grovel a bit although I understand some people may feel too independent to take that approach. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 I hear you loud and clear. I am lonely at times, but I don't want others to think that I'm lonely because no one wants to be around a lonely person. My shrink said that the loneliness of people and the suicide rate is higher than it's ever been, and I believe it. Why? I don't think we should accuse social media / technology of it, it's been a general change in our behaviors and attitudes. Narcissism, all about me me me, never apologizing for your bad behaviors, etc. To answer your questions? I only have 4 childhood friends that I still talk to (as in those I met K-12 and my college years) - 4 guys - 1 I had known since preschool, 1 since junior high school, 2 former lovers. I have a handful of friends from my college years, thanks to Facebook we talk once a year. All the other friends I have made over the years came after those periods were over with. And I am lucky, some I have had for almost 25 years now. It took me a long time to reach certain conclusions about people, but I used to have some childhood friends who unfortunately I had fallings out with - typical women's jealousy. Some people are meant to be with you for just a while, then for whatever reason you have to let them go or they let you go. And both parties have to accept this fact. Seek out new friends. It's okay to go back to old ones thinking that they will provide some kind of network for you, but often times they don't. Why? You have nothing in common with them anymore, and chances are they still think you are the same person you were when you were kids (which you are not). As to where to go to seek them out? Meetup groups are good. However, don't expect to meet lifelong friends at all of them. I joined one a few years ago and one is still my friend today even though he moved away, but it was just meant to be. All others I don't hear from anymore outside of Facebook. THe same applies as I pointed out before : Some are meant to be with you for a lifetime, others a season or two. Then for whatever reason you have to let them go or they have to let you go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 On 2/10/2020 at 3:24 PM, mortensorchid said: Some people are meant to be with you for just a while, then for whatever reason you have to let them go or they let you go. And both parties have to accept this fact. Isn't that true. And how we fight it at the time... I have a lot of friends all over the world, they know my limitations and will tell me 'enough now' when I go off 'on a mission' as one of my young criminals called it years ago. Having this anxiety disorder/mental illness has made me way more accepting of other people's limitations and foibles. And being in counselling made me more aware of mine. On 2/7/2020 at 4:15 PM, Foxhall said: ideally I suppose you are better off to find new friends with common ground,but sometimes if you want to keep old friendships going you have to grovel a bit although I understand some people may feel too independent to take that approach. I don't think of it as 'grovelling' exactly, that sounds demeaning, but there is that element of 'got to meet people where they're at', get involved in their world etc. Finally after over two decades I lost touch with my friends in England, but all the time new people and old people dip in and out of my life. It's fine. Link to post Share on other sites
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