How to heal after getting cheated on?

[Negotaurus]

Well, happened to me. We have decided to stay together. 

It is the most bizarre form of pain I've felt. My heart and my mind don't get along anymore, there are "trigger" words, scents. I'm currently creating a page in my sketchbook where I will be taping screenshots of my partner's comments that have helped, I write uplifting things about myself there, yadi yadi yada. 

But how to come to terms with it, especially after still staying together? The mental images, the thoughts, the reminiscing. What helps?

[Blind-Sided]

Sorry you are going through this.  I've done a lot of soul searching over the years... and I've honestly come to the conclusion of... You never really heal from this. The reason is... once trust is broken... it can never truly be had again.

I dated a girl in my early 20's for almost 5 years.  I even worked for her family.  I found out she was cheating on me... and 23 years later... It still hurts. She had tried to contact me a few times, but I never cared to hear what she had to say.  After my divorce, I knew I was going to be in her town for work, so I took her friend request... but I just couldn't bring myself to contact her until I got home.  I loved her deeply, and she crushed me. I have more feelings toward her, that I do of my ex I was with for 20 years.

I know that's not what you are looking for... but maybe what I've said will help you consider just moving on.

[Gaeta]

Do you have children together? If no, then move on. 

50% of people will remain in the relationship after being cheated on.

Only 5% of  that 50% will make it long term. 

 

[carhill]

2 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

But how to come to terms with it, especially after still staying together? The mental images, the thoughts, the reminiscing. What helps?

Accept that humans are imperfect, fallible and sometimes even evil and that can be a temporary state of mind and that evil doesn't necessarily rule them. What helps? Altering how your mind processes emotions. Psychological therapy can provide tools.

The reality of the past won't change. How you process it is your choice.

[major_merrick]

How do you heal?  You find the person that your partner cheated on you with and you totally wreck that person's life and reputation.  (And yes, there are even legal ways to do this, so don't assume I'm advocating getting yourself in trouble.)   If you stay with your partner without getting even, you look like a chump.  The offenders both know by your inaction that they can do it again.  It also helps if you make this a "loyalty test" for your partner.  Your partner gets the charming role of providing the information that helps you in your quest.  If your partner complies, you can be more assured that your partner won't cheat again.  If your partner doesn't comply, you know that they are not sorry for their actions and you cannot trust them.  At that point, proceed with your plan and dump your partner after it has been completed. 

Edited February 5, 2020 by major_merrick

[Gaeta]

23 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

How do you heal?  You find the person that your partner cheated on you with and you totally wreck that person's life and reputation.  (And yes, there are even legal ways to do this, so don't assume I'm advocating getting yourself in trouble.)   If you stay with your partner without getting even, you look like a chump.  The offenders both know by your inaction that they can do it again.  It also helps if you make this a "loyalty test" for your partner.  Your partner gets the charming role of providing the information that helps you in your quest.  If your partner complies, you can be more assured that your partner won't cheat again.  If your partner doesn't comply, you know that they are not sorry for their actions and you cannot trust them.  At that point, proceed with your plan and dump your partner after it has been completed. 

So, you're saying she should commit a crime and if her boyfriend isn't willing to give her information to accomplish that then he's not really repentant. 

I didn't read in OP's story that *he* was forced to cheat on her. The person that hurt OP is her boyfriend, not the woman he cheated on her with. He is 100%  responsible of where he puts his dick. 

Edited February 5, 2020 by Gaeta

[stillafool]

I say kick them to the curb.  Totally not worth it and a waste of time.  You can do better OP.

[major_merrick]

@Gaeta Read what I said.  I did say there are legal ways to do it if one is so inclined.  Actually, there are plenty of ways.  Also, I did not specifically state any method, as I am unsure of where the OP lives and what exactly would be appropriate in her situation.  General concept only. 

Taking action gives a victim agency over her own life again.  It is the best way that I personally know of to remove the pain. 

Edited February 5, 2020 by major_merrick

[Negotaurus]

13 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

@Gaeta Read what I said.  I did say there are legal ways to do it if one is so inclined.  Actually, there are plenty of ways.  Also, I did not specifically state any method, as I am unsure of where the OP lives and what exactly would be appropriate in her situation.  General concept only. 

Taking action gives a victim agency over her own life again.  It is the best way that I personally know of to remove the pain. 

She doesn't deserve any of my time or effort though. She's a confirmed piece of trash while I've worked myself up to be a bloody good woman, she is already miserable enough. Having to exploit her body to strangers. It's sad and something I won't even poke with a 10m stick.

[major_merrick]

@Negotaurus Is she some kind of prostitute?  Or just using her body to get people to give her stuff?

[Gaeta]

31 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

 

sorry, having a really hard time adapting to this new quoting

Edited February 5, 2020 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

47 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

Taking action gives a victim agency over her own life again.  It is the best way that I personally know of to remove the pain. 

Dumping him 'is' taking actions. 

[Negotaurus]

3 hours ago, major_merrick said:

@Negotaurus Is she some kind of prostitute?  Or just using her body to get people to give her stuff?

In my opinion the most pathetic type of sl*t there is - using Instagram to send nudes to strangers and to sext. My partner never had physical contact with her, he didn't even know who she was. There was some dry pathetic sexting and a few pics, just weird and gross. "Pathetic" is the best word to describe all this.

[Logo]

Why are you staying? Are you married? Do you have children? Is it because you have nowhere to go? How long have you been together? Can you support yourself financially if you leave? 

[mark clemson]

I can see why you're at least trying to stay - this is a bit less like emotionally involved infidelity and a bit more like souped up porn. Still hurts, though, because it's not just souped up porn. She was involved. He was involved.

OP,  have you take some time (weeks, months) to process this?  What do you think will help you heal?

[major_merrick]

7 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

My partner never had physical contact with her, he didn't even know who she was. There was some dry pathetic sexting and a few pics, just weird and gross.

Hmm... Here I was thinking there was some actual, physical cheating.  Sexting and cheating are two different things in my book.  If I got in trouble every time I looked at naked pics on the net....I'd never get out of the doghouse.  Was he intending to meet with her, or was this all some online fantasy?  If there was no intent to meet and do something, I don't think you've got much to feel nervous about.  

[Negotaurus]

1 hour ago, major_merrick said:

Hmm... Here I was thinking there was some actual, physical cheating.  Sexting and cheating are two different things in my book.  If I got in trouble every time I looked at naked pics on the net....I'd never get out of the doghouse.  Was he intending to meet with her, or was this all some online fantasy?  If there was no intent to meet and do something, I don't think you've got much to feel nervous about.  

.

Edited February 6, 2020 by Negotaurus
Double post

[Negotaurus]

1 hour ago, major_merrick said:

Hmm... Here I was thinking there was some actual, physical cheating.  Sexting and cheating are two different things in my book.  If I got in trouble every time I looked at naked pics on the net....I'd never get out of the doghouse.  Was he intending to meet with her, or was this all some online fantasy?  If there was no intent to meet and do something, I don't think you've got much to feel nervous about.  

I suppose it comes down to the person. I have no issues with porn, however, if he goes to another "woman", chats with her, asks for pics, sends one, that doesn't fly with me. He made a promise to be loyal and to be mine, and obviously vice versa. 

Had he cheated on me "properly", I'd be long gone. It wasn't even some sort of fantasy, he got so called recognition from a wh*re, he wanted to feel accepted and wanted. He was very privileged to get the chance to be with me. He got a second chance because of the steps he took after I discovered his crap and thanks to the fact that it wasn't worse. It pains me that it could've been though, his lady friend just didn't care enough about him.

My question was very general because the effects of cheating I am still dealing with.

Edited February 6, 2020 by Negotaurus

[Negotaurus]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

I can see why you're at least trying to stay - this is a bit less like emotionally involved infidelity and a bit more like souped up porn. Still hurts, though, because it's not just souped up porn. She was involved. He was involved.

OP,  have you take some time (weeks, months) to process this?  What do you think will help you heal?

That's exactly it. Had he been emotionally or physically involved, I would be long gone. Still breaks my heart because he had me. I never had a choice in this. 

My issue is that I don't think I have the tools to deal with this. It's been two months since discovery, two months full of me questioning him about the same things over and over again, doubt and just pain. I hoped time would heal but I've begun to question myself more while just trying to not care. 

I'm very analytical, rationalising helps me. He did have contact with her twice only, he only sent a topless picture, he gave up on her quickly, the conversation was dry and pathetic, he mainly stuck with porn. Apparently his online girlfriend was there to fuel his "narcissistic" side, he claims it happened when he was at his lowest, feeling like he might lose me (few fights almost ended up with a break up). I'm scared I'm lying to myself though. Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe none of this even matters. 

My boundary was crossed, could be worse, but I still was betrayed. In such a pathetic way. I genuinely do not know how to accept it.

[major_merrick]

24 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

He was very privileged to get the chance to be with me.

I think we're finding the source of why he went looking for acceptance somewhere else.  It doesn't justify what he did, but it does explain it.  You seem to see him as "less than."  The way you talk about him, it seems that you don't respect him, and didn't even before this.  What he did struck your ego, and that's his main offense.  But I suspect he feels similarly, as a guy who feels respected by his partner won't go looking around. 

From my point of view, you've both got something to work on.  Stop questioning yourself.  Stop questioning him - he's told you what there is to tell, and grilling him about it won't get you anywhere.  Instead, try something new: Have a conversation where you lay everything out.  Go back to the beginning.  Discuss your motivations for getting into the relationship in the first place.  Lay out what you like and dislike about each other.  Examine your goals for the future.  What matches?  What doesn't match?  You might need to have a few of those in small amounts, because a lot of guys don't like to talk like that.    

[Negotaurus]

5 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

I think we're finding the source of why he went looking for acceptance somewhere else.  It doesn't justify what he did, but it does explain it.  You seem to see him as "less than."  The way you talk about him, it seems that you don't respect him, and didn't even before this.  What he did struck your ego, and that's his main offense.  But I suspect he feels similarly, as a guy who feels respected by his partner won't go looking around. 

From my point of view, you've both got something to work on.  Stop questioning yourself.  Stop questioning him - he's told you what there is to tell, and grilling him about it won't get you anywhere.  Instead, try something new: Have a conversation where you lay everything out.  Go back to the beginning.  Discuss your motivations for getting into the relationship in the first place.  Lay out what you like and dislike about each other.  Examine your goals for the future.  What matches?  What doesn't match?  You might need to have a few of those in small amounts, because a lot of guys don't like to talk like that.    

I think you read me wrong. I respected and loved him dearly. I just know my worth. I have a very bright future ahead of me (fact) and I also have worked hard to become a good woman despite all the crap that has been thrown at me (fact). 

I know my worth. I'm not cocky when I say someone is privileged to be with me, my man's happiness was always my priority. He had everything and he knows it, all the way from an elegant woman who was anything but that when in private to knitted sweaters I made because I loved him. I know what I am and I completely own it.

Future is not something I'm ready to plan as I'm not even over the past yet. And I find it hard to not question myself, after the decisions he made regarding me.

Edited February 6, 2020 by Negotaurus

[schlumpy]

5 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

I think you read me wrong. I respected and loved him dearly. I just know my worth. I have a very bright future ahead of me (fact) and I also have worked hard to become a good woman despite all the crap that has been thrown at me (fact). 

I know my worth. I'm not cocky when I say someone is privileged to be with me, my man's happiness was always my priority. He had everything and he knows it, all the way from an elegant woman who was anything but that when in private to knitted sweaters I made because I loved him. I know what I am and I completely own it.

I think you have healthy attitude towards your own worth and I believe you when you say that you are dedicated towards your SO but I have to wonder if he was writing this post if it would say the same thing.

I have to agree with the Major that there are unexplored issues here that you will only unwrap with a good marriage counselor. At a minimum you will receive the tools you need to relieve your angst for his transgressions.

[pepperbird]

op,

you know yourself and your feelings. What do YOU feel is the right thing to do for your own emotional/mental health?

Some take revenge, some take a trip, some start therapy, some even go as as far as to take a 180 of their life and completely reinvent who they are. You have to find what works for you.

[Negotaurus]

34 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

op,

you know yourself and your feelings. What do YOU feel is the right thing to do for your own emotional/mental health?

Some take revenge, some take a trip, some start therapy, some even go as as far as to take a 180 of their life and completely reinvent who they are. You have to find what works for you.

Sometimes I think of revenge, then I wonder if grass might be greener on the other side, then I love him, then I hate him.. Nothing makes sense to be honest. 

In some weird way I'm also scared of taking full control over this and healing. I'm scared of letting it go for whatever reason. 

[Gaeta]

Negotaurus: How long have you been together? do you have children together? 

Listen, HE broke the vase. No matter how you glue it back together, it will always be a broken vase. I would need a darn good reason to stay with a man that did this. His EXCUSE, yes cause I think it's an excuse, that he just wanted to be noticed.......is that new? Has he told you before that he felt un-noticed with you? If not, then he's feeding you a lot of BS.