How to heal after getting cheated on?

[pepperbird]

34 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

Sometimes I think of revenge, then I wonder if grass might be greener on the other side, then I love him, then I hate him.. Nothing makes sense to be honest. 

In some weird way I'm also scared of taking full control over this and healing. I'm scared of letting it go for whatever reason. 

That's totally normal. Your world has been shaken, and it's going to take time to come to terms with that. I'm not surprised you still have times when you love him- emotions aren't like a light switch-you can't turn them off and on.

[Negotaurus]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Negotaurus: How long have you been together? do you have children together? 

Listen, HE broke the vase. No matter how you glue it back together, it will always be a broken vase. I would need a darn good reason to stay with a man that did this. His EXCUSE, yes cause I think it's an excuse, that he just wanted to be noticed.......is that new? Has he told you before that he felt un-noticed with you? If not, then he's feeding you a lot of BS. 

To be fair, I can see his thought process. We were long distance with no end in sight (that changed) and when he hit up his classy friend, we were at the verge of a break up. He claims that made him feel incredibly low and scared, so he decided to act like a neanderthal with half a brain. I can see his thought process, although it is no excuse for no morals or respect. I didn't cheat. I went broke to see him every second week and to spend months living together.

We are younglings still and have been together for a year. His last relationship was horrid, full of drugs, a wayward girlfriend who let half the town have her while dating him. After the break up, the girl had told him that he is no man, should screw around and get experience. That relationship was dry and sexless, apparently he still felt like an insecure virgin. 

I might be stupid here, I have no idea. My mind is still a mess. I can sympathise with him. I'm just not sure if I can live with it.

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

 I went broke to see him every second week and to spend months living together.

We are younglings still and have been together for a year. His last relationship was horrid, full of drugs, a wayward girlfriend who let half the town have her while dating him. After the break up, the girl had told him that he is no man, should screw around and get experience. That relationship was dry and sexless, apparently he still felt like an insecure virgin. 

I might be stupid here, I have no idea. My mind is still a mess. I can sympathise with him. I'm just not sure if I can live with it.

You were the one footing all the traveling expenses? 

He's not worth you're torturing yourself the next several years. One year in a life time is nothing. No matter what age you are,  you do not excuse a man because his ex mistreated him. It's HIS job to grow and learn. He hasn't. Do not 'sympathize' with men treating you badly no matter what. It's a mistake all younger women do, they believe it will be different with them, that their love will fix everything, that they will change their man. That's wishful thinking on your part.

Life will through much bigger relationship issues, how is he going to deal with them? Will he run to an ex, an escort, or an online woman to give him attention?? How do you know he won't ever do that again no matter the crisis you'll go through?

[mark clemson]

Since it was only a year and this is how he responds to rocky times in a relationship, if you can't get past this then at least moving on wouldn't be that big a deal. It would be sad, but not as sad as doing all the work of a reconciliation only to have his immaturity/lack of coping skills cause more problems later and breaking up four years in. I'm NOT saying you're throwing good money after bad, because honestly I don't know. But you should consider whether you are.

[Negotaurus]

40 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You were the one footing all the traveling expenses? 

He's not worth you're torturing yourself the next several years. One year in a life time is nothing. No matter what age you are,  you do not excuse a man because his ex mistreated him. It's HIS job to grow and learn. He hasn't. Do not 'sympathize' with men treating you badly no matter what. It's a mistake all younger women do, they believe it will be different with them, that their love will fix everything, that they will change their man. That's wishful thinking on your part.

Life will through much bigger relationship issues, how is he going to deal with them? Will he run to an ex, an escort, or an online woman to give him attention?? How do you know he won't ever do that again no matter the crisis you'll go through?

We were both broke all the time because of this relationship. He recently went seriously in debt to spend more time with me after I discovered his crap. That meant something to me. 

But I definitely get your point, same thoughts run through my mind. Trouble in paradise and he immediately drops all morals and betrays me. Most cheaters cheat again, too. And I am scared, but he also has done all the steps a cheater like him should do. He is attending therapy, out of nowhere gave me all his passwords, quit social media, he even manages ads on the social media apps he does use to not see any women. No porn, always talking me through my doubts. Outed himself to his parents and friends. He genuinely seems disgusted by his actions. Us being in our early 20s also goes both ways, no offense to anyone but younger people act stupid all the time. We are pretty damn dumb. I only have his word that he won't be dumb again though. He might, he might have gotten his lesson. 

Last two months have been full of remorse on his end, full of tears and pretty promises. Obviously I can't fully believe any of it, but what else could he do? 

[Gaeta]

Some of these things aren't proof of trust. Having his passwords by example. It takes 2 minutes to create a new email, Instagram, FB account by a different name. To me that approach has no value. Avoiding what made him cheat like porn and ads isn't either the solution. He has to be able to live his life like a normal person, meaning we are all bombarded all day long by suggestive ads but we don't all go cheat on our partner. Same with porn, he's a young man in his 20's, he should be able to watch it reasonably without having the temptation to cheat on you. Cutting him off the world won't make him a faithful boyfriend. It will just delay his next cheating. 

He needs only to regret what he did, and time will tell you if he's sincere. Again, to me all this sharing password business would come across as sand in my eyes. I would not want that. 

As for you, it will hurt until it doesn't anymore. Some can work through it, others cannot. Give yourself 6 months. If you are not over this in 6 months then I'd say you never will. 

Edited February 6, 2020 by Gaeta

[Negotaurus]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Some of these things aren't proof of trust. Having his passwords by example. It takes 2 minutes to create a new email, Instagram, FB account by a different name. To me that approach has no value. Avoiding what made him cheat like porn and ads isn't either the solution. He has to be able to live his life like a normal person, meaning we are all bombarded all day long by suggestive ads but we don't all go cheat on our partner. Same with porn, he's a young man in his 20's, he should be able to watch it reasonably without having the temptation to cheat on you. Cutting him off the world won't make him a faithful boyfriend. It will just delay his next cheating. 

He needs only to regret what he did, and time will tell you if he's sincere. Again, to me all this sharing password business would come across as sand in my eyes. I would not want that. 

As for you, it will hurt until it doesn't anymore. Some can work through it, others cannot. Give yourself 6 months. If you are not over this in 6 months then I'd say you never will. 

I also thought it was bizarre. I have nothing against porn, I get it. Told him that's fine, his answer was that "he doesn't want to, feels gross". I do not trust anything at this moment, this might be a phase to reel me back in, after all he had the heart to betray me and go to another woman. The passwords I did appreciate, though I do not check his stuff anymore, used to.. If he's gonna cheat, I'll know and be rid of him. That's how I found out this time, I had nothing to go off of, just pure gut feeling. 

I guess 6 months is a good idea. Should be enough time for me to see if this new "him" is real at all and if I even can live with someone who betrayed me. 

We had a long discussion/argument/clash today. I need the details so I would stop thinking of what I don't know, he says for him it's hard to recall because the times faded together and he didn't really care about what was happening. That the first messages gave him what he needed to feel "attractive", after that he got himself off to porn and chatted a bit for the heck of it while doing other things. Is that normal at all?

Edited February 6, 2020 by Negotaurus

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

I need the details so I would stop thinking of what I don't know, he says for him it's hard to recall because the times faded together and he didn't really care about what was happening. That the first messages gave him what he needed to feel "attractive", after that he got himself off to porn and chatted a bit for the heck of it while doing other things. Is that normal at all?

He remembers every single bit of it! C'mon! 

You should not ask for the graphic details, it will only hurt you more. I know, I have been cheated on in the past and I am glad I didn't ask for the details. No details = no images popping up in your head. 

[Negotaurus]

12 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He remembers every single bit of it! C'mon! 

Would make sense right? He tells me about what they did talk about. How long the conversations were, how he did it, etc etc. But says it's all a blur, can't separate the two incidents or pics even because he fancied porn much more and was busy with that or something else. That the conversation itself didn't matter, nor did the pics, he barely looked at them, it was the fact that she was there "for him" and taking pics "for him". That it fueled his narcissistic side. Didn't actually fancy her or her body, but the ego boost and feeling noticed. He claims he was borderline braindead while conversing with her, words were easy, he just had to say something.

He was a 20-year old punk. Any 20-year old guy who decides to hit up another woman wouldn't do it because he didn't care about her or what she had to say to her. Like it just doesn't make sense? He does tells me about the graphic side, topics etc (I know it's stupid of me to require it but that way I can see he is truthful and I'm not in the dark anymore). Him claiming he really didn't care, doesn't remember, doesn't think about it makes me feel better but maybe that's his goal. I don't know anything anymore for heaven's sake. I threatened him with things not working out if I don't get the truth and he just answered that he can't give me anything anymore, this is the truth. 

Sorry if I'm being a tad annoying, feels better to get my thoughts out..

[Gaeta]

Why do you want to put up with that at 20 years old?? You are  young with your whole life ahead of you and thousands and thousands of good men to meet. Why do you put up with a long distance relationship, financial draining, and now this?? Why do young women put up with crap!! someone tell me!!

[Negotaurus]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Why do you want to put up with that at 20 years old?? You are  young with your whole life ahead of you and thousands and thousands of good men to meet. Why do you put up with a long distance relationship, financial draining, and now this?? Why do young women put up with crap!! someone tell me!!

No idea.

[Ruby Slippers]

I read the whole thread, but I have no good advice. I'm pretty sure I could never accept something like this. I'd lose all respect for him and without respect the bond is toast.