Is he ever going to change?

[DragonzRoost]

(Main issue)

I have been currently in the process of finding a new job and getting ready for school.
My Husband came home from work and asked if I could make something for dinner, which I started to prepare. He is from another Country and does not like general American food. He refuses to eat anything besides once in a very rare while, Cick fil A, Fire House Subs or a Chinese buffet. Anything like general meal he won't eat and wants professional traditional Chinese meals, which I have no clue how to prepare. (Still learning) I tried my hardest to imitate the same cooking style and made some cooked eggplant with tofu, as well made a sandwich on the side. 
I called him down to eat, but he was playing an online game so I waited. Over an hour passed, so I brought him his meal instead. He gawked at the food, pulled the sandwich apart and said "What is this?!" I felt my heart sink and he followed up with "Why is there lettuce on this sandwich? There is all sorts of bacteria! Workers touch this with dirty hand!' (Even though I rinsed the lettuce off with very hot water and scrubbed it. He then started to attack my cooking, telling me it was gross, nasty that he didn't want to eat it and how he has nothing to eat. How the lunches I prepared for his work were actually gross and never good enough. Again he won't eat normal lunches like sandwiches. cheese sticks or anything from the store that is easy to prepare advanced lunches for. He wants a full dinner course meal for lunch, like steamed food, veggies and rice. He eats a lot of food during lunch, enough for two/three people and it is expensive to cook like that. I responded "How are we suppose to start a Family with this? Especially if in the future I cook for an entire Family. I am learning, I will get better.." He responded "I don't want kids with you! Don't cook for me anymore!" He proceeded to storm off and go get something to eat and didn't talk to me since. 

(Another prior incident)
The day before this, I wanted to wear a long sleeve top that I just purchased that was see through with butterflies on it, with a tank top. I went up to him and he let out a laugh that he held back, by curling his lip with a smile. He said "Is that what you are wearing?" I responded "Yeah......whats wrong?" I thought he would compliment, but instead he said "That looks so weird and it being see thorough, but if that is what you want to wear. He snickered again. I then took my top off and sat on the bed. The feeling I had that was initially loving the new top, suddenly turned to me wanting to return it to the store and not go to my relatives  Birthday party. He later apologized, but it still stings... This was something he used to do when we were dating, by giving his random opinion about stuff, could be makeup or clothes.

(Question)
Each time he says "Okay okay" gives me hugs and kisses, goes back to being his silly self and saying he will change. I am no saint by any means in this relationship honestly and I know that I have been unreasonable in the past, but I just feel like if I start a Family this would be very toxic. I am unsure of when he will revert to these behaviors of saying random hurtful stuff and I don't want to be in the process of buying a home, preparing to start a Family and building a future if he does randomly revert. I think "What if our future kids treat me like this or think its okay to talk to me the same way? What if they find that this is normal? Or if we have a baby and I don't have time to make a decent meal?" It becomes hard to trust when he says he will change and that he is sorry, that everything will be okay. I look at my situation now, with no children and have wondered if its best to end things now before they get worse or possibly setup marriage counseling. Is he ever going to change? What direction should I take with this? I sat down with him last night and calmly told him how I felt, but I'm not sure what to do anymore. When things get better for a month, they quickly go down hill every time. 

Edited February 5, 2020 by DragonzRoost

[preraph]

Yes your point about what about the future children is the most worrisome. They will grow up thinking it's alright to order your wife around and disrespect women and berate and deneen people you supposedly love, and your boy will grow up imitating that and your daughter will end up accepting someone abusive like that. 

 

And yes he is abusive verbally at least. I don't know why you were putting up with his food crap at all. he's the one who wants his food a certain way so he's the one who should learn to cook it and shop for it, and you shouldn't have to even eat it if you don't want to. Tell him he's responsible for his own meals and you will get yours separate. He's being ridiculous about that. And no he won't change. He likes trying to make you feel bad. 

 

You let him know that he's responsible for his own meals now. You can't be expected to be an automatic Chinese chef. I suspect that no matter how close you got to it he still wouldn't be happy and would still take delight and knocking you down and making you feel small. Stop putting up with it and think about not having children with him.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

What an ass. It's been my experience that 99% of a-holes stay a-holes. It's who they are. So, No, he's not going to change.

PS - Tell him to make his own sandwich/meals

[DragonzRoost]

Thanks for the feedback, I plan to tell him to make his own food if he wants a professional Chinese chef. Regardless and the food matter aside, I do feel there is a more deeper, conflicting issue in our relationship that needs to be addressed with a counselor or else we are just not going to make it in the end.

[HappySenior]

I can tell you now - it isn't going to end well. It's abuse and it's manipulation. No respect for you.
My last marriage was like this and I ended it after two years. Don't waste your precious life on this. 
Someone out there can love you and respect you better than this, and you need to leave before
1) you end up with kids
2) He goes to physical abuse.

Even living alone is better than being subjected to that kind of treatment.

[preraph]

Dragonz, you sound like a very accommodating person who has been over backwards trying to please him. My feeling is that if you can love someone who is tearing you down and acting like a spoiled brat, you can find someone better and love them in short order. Most people would just be grateful that you were cooking at all, and these days I will say that one thing that has improved from the old days is that a lot of men cook as well. You should go out and find you one of those. Don't stay with someone who enjoys making you miserable. And don't buy into his gaslighting "only joking" stuff either. It's not you. It's him.

[d0nnivain]

Does this mean you worked out the logistics?  the last time you posted you were living in Florida (I think) but he wanted to move to California to chase some pipe dream.  You were dead set against relocating especially because you are in school where you are & the cost of living in California is too high. 

Personally if my cooking were routinely criticized I would stop cooking for the other person & tell him to make it himself if he's so all-fired picky.  

As for him snickering about your outfit, ignore him.  His opinion is not the be all end all statement on fashion.  If you liked the way you looked wear it & be happy.  I love prints & bright colors.  My husband always dresses in black, dark blue or grey, maybe an occasional white shirt.  If it was up to him that would be all I would wear too.  Yuck.  My answer when he tells me that my outfit is too busy is to tell him not to borrow it.  Shore up your own self esteem although that can be hard when you are constantly being worn down by negative comments from your partner. 

[Crazelnut]

Aw has already been established here, your husband is disrespectful and rude to you, treats you like his servant, and is an all around jackazz. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. This is who he is. 

Please just get out of that awful marriage. Respect yourself enough to leave.

[Fletch Lives]

How long have you been married?

It sounds like he's a control freak. Google "narcissist". You have some reading to do.

[DragonzRoost]

Thank you for the feedback.. I told him my concerns yesterday and he wouldn't listen and wanted me to just stop talking. I informed him that if he cannot be bothered to listen to my true feelings, then perhaps he is not cut out for being in any relationship at this time. He listened after I said this and went silent. Since then I have been feeling unsure of myself and my trust for him has been chipped away so much through his apologies that do little to nothing in form of change. (In all my first/older threads) It is now difficult getting my mind to trust him in building a future together, that I feel at some point he will revert back. (Because 80% of the time, he does) Today he mentioned finding a house, but I told him that I am not sure if we are going to be able to move forward in the future. That my mind is unsure about us being together and the lack of trust I have for moving forward with him.I know it is not what I want deep down, but it is becoming impossible to change how I feel, in terms of this being something I have to do for my sake.. He mentioned doing dissolution counseling, which I agreed to setup the sessions for us to go. (Told him I am always willing to go to counseling.)

I warned him that if I feel I cannot trust him anymore that I am going to file for divorce. It didn't become real to him, till I said "I am going to file a waver tomorrow." which my Grandmother overheard from outside. Suddenly when I went inside my Grandmother said "Think about your future, don't throw it away!" I turned around and said "My future does not revolve around a man and I am not going to stay in an abusive, toxic relationship to make you feel good or to pretend I have a future when it is not healthy, regardless of how stable it appears from the outside." Since then I have asked that my Family stay out of it and that I plan to keep my final decisions more private by discussing things more secluded in a private area. I think my Husband understands the seriousness of the situation, but he still wants to buy a house. I told him he can buy a house for himself, but I am not going to further a future with him till we get professional dissolution counseling. If he refuses to attend the counseling I set up for us to attend, then it will be officially over. 

I know that this is NOT what I wanted for my future and not what I thought would occur before our marriage. He didn't start doing all this till after a month of our marriage and a year in. Had I known he was like this and that we would mesh in so many areas, I would had taken a step back to evaluate my decision. The things he has done through the years of our marriage, might be in the past, but have left mental scars and memories that are very difficult to erase and move beyond. I cannot play pretend therapist and rely on us resolving our issues alone anymore. No matter how dark my future gets with me alone, I do not want to remain in a marriage with someone who berates, calls me names, acts childish and ignores me. I'd much rather be alone in that case.

Edited February 6, 2020 by DragonzRoost

[Crazelnut]

DragonzRoost, I don't know where you live, but you need to talk to a lawyer and find out what marital property and marital debt laws are like where you live.  If you two are still legally married and he takes on a big mortgage, YOU may be legally responsible for all or part of that mortgage.  You are at a point where you need solid info about the implications of actions in your marriage.  Please do NOT let this man screw you over any more than he already has.

[Ruby Slippers]

Any kind of abuse and demeaning behavior is serious. Even if it's just words, it's very hurtful and wears you down.

If I were in your situation, I'd insist upon marriage counseling, tell him that if he won't set an appointment with me within the next 2 weeks I'm filing for divorce, then follow through one way or the other.

My mom is 73 years old and has been enduring my dad's verbal abuse and demeaning treatment for almost 50 years. She still sometimes gets so fed up she gets herself a hotel room for the night. 

We women have never before had so many ways to support ourselves. We no longer have to endure the abuse so prevalent in male-female relationships. I choose happiness and freedom supporting myself over abuse and demeaning treatment with a man who helps out any day of the week.

[crederer]

Don't make him any food. He thinks he has all the power for whatever reason. Also, playing video games is childish. Maybe next time he ridicules your attire, suggest to him that maybe he could spend more time with you letting you know what he likes instead of playing games intended for children.