I was a pain

[Liam1209]

Now im going to be very honest here and i dont need chastising or people telling me that ive been crazy, ive followed the right steps ive been and spoken to the right people and they have helped me to realise that what i did, while 100% wrong was linked to previous traumas and bringing that up to them helped!

 

Anyway i broke up with my ex girlfriend about 4 months ago, we had been dating for a while (i cant remember how long 6-9 months) things had been going well and the break up came out of the blue, when we broke up i said i would be fine with still talking because we got on well. When it ended i also said that i understood her reason, she needed space to get over previous relationship that had been abusive and focus on herself, and that i would respect that as long as she told me.

After this i started to text her a lot and not just via one mode i.e. Snapchat, Messenger, Text etc but a mix of one or two, she would reply but i felt that it was a bad thing so i said if it was she should tell me. She didnt then she unfriended me on all social media, this is where i mad my BIGGEST mistake. I knew her login for snapchat, she used to log in on my phone if she needed to, so i logged in and checked who shed been messaging, didnt read what was said because i felt that was to far (I know it all was WAY to far and clingy).

She changed her password and settings so the next time i went to look, again know this was bad, wasnt able to get in and i was drunk so i guessed passwords and locked her out. She then text to say that she never wanted to talk to me again and leave her alone, which was more than fair i knew then i had gone to far and needed to get help.

After one or two meetings with my help i decided to message her an apology for how annoying i had been, via text as i was now blocked, Again more than fair, she didnt reply and that was fine i had said what i had to and it was all good. I then remembered that  i had left my phone charger which was covered in tape and not great condition plugged into an extension lead which i knew was always left plugged in so i text her again, as she is petrified of her house burning down, that i had left it plugged in, i didnt want it back, but couldnt sleep if it went up in flames and could she let me know she had received it because i was very concerned for her and her children. 

She replied 'I have got this just like i have all the other messages youve sent since we broke up, i appreciate your concern, but please leave me alone or i will have to take steps to make sure you cannot contact me and i dont want to do that.'

I do still want to get back with her, i know that would not be a good idea to pursue that now or possibly ever and the best thing is to now move on and put it down as experiance and a positive for my mental health, but i would more like to be able to be in a pub/club/cafe and smile at her or say hi and not feel bad. so my question is 2 part, A) if you were her would you ever speak to me again and B) if you did speak would you let it become more than just hi?

[Silver_star]

A) nope. If I were her I would have no desire to speak to you. If i did it would be in the distant distant distant future. 5-10 years or more. She has seen how unstable you are and she is becoming fearful of you. I don't think you can go back to casual "hey" in a cafe after that. Sorry, the damage is done. learn from it and move on. 

B) again nope. I would avoid you if I were her. Even if you have changed, which sounds like you are working on, it doesnt change the past and how you reacted to the break up. She has lost attraction and respect for you. It's over. Move on.

 

[heymck]

Christ mate, you've messed up big time.

A) if you were her would you ever speak to me again

Not while you're like this, no.

I do still want to get back with her

Best chance you've got is to NOT CONTACT her for 60 days. 

Use this time to heal yourself, get rid of the weird stuff that made you check her Snapchat, come back a bigger and better person than you was before.

Then you can reach out, but keep it to a text, then a phone call. Make sure it's casual, 

If she says yes to a call, keep it casual.

Talk as friends, don't mention getting back together.

But eventually ask if she'd like to meet for a coffee or something.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Liam1209 said:

 i would more like to be able to be in a pub/club/cafe and smile at her or say hi and not feel bad. so my question is 2 part, A) if you were her would you ever speak to me again and B) if you did speak would you let it become more than just hi?

She seems like a sweet person but she does want to be done with you.  So do not message her again through any format.  If you do see her in public, odds are she will be polite if you are.  What that means is if you see her across a room, you cannot go up to her.  At most of you make eye contact you can smile, nod in acknowledgement & mouth the word hi to her.  It is up to her if she wants to move closer to you to have a more meaningful interactions.  Odds are she will return the smile & head nod to acknowledge you but nothing more.  It will be civil but cool rather than warm. If you cross the room to talk to her, she will take that as a hostile act.  

In her shoes if I had no other choice to but say hi, I would say hi & engage in small talk for 5 minutes then make an excuse to get the heck out of there.   At this point she thinks you are unbalanced & unable to take no for an answer. She does not want to do anything that will give you the false hope that reconciliation is a possibility.  To avoid leading you on, she will pick stay away at all costs.  Sorry. 

[basil67]

Now that you're aware of what you've done wrong, the thing which is most apparent is that you don't respect her wishes to be left alone.   You're still on about what you want rather than what she needs.

You've still got a lot of personal work to do.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 2/5/2020 at 9:55 PM, Liam1209 said:

so my question is 2 part, A) if you were her would you ever speak to me again and B) if you did speak would you let it become more than just hi?

A) No. An even more emphatic "no" if I had children, as she does. 

B) No. I would probably be civil if I happened to bump into you, but I would not engage in anything more than a greeting.

I realize you're getting help now, which is great and evidently was badly-needed. Keep up that work. But to be honest, I have dated someone who behaved the way you did, and never felt more free than when I finally cut that cord. You and she weren't meant to stay together and she isn't coming back, but this can absolutely be a turning point for you in learning how to live a healthier life and cope with disappointment in more constructive ways.