Should I be suspicious?

[zig]

My wife takes the kids to an activity group (for kids) about twice a week.  There is a guy there (going through a divorce) she met (who has a daughter the same age as mine) and they became casual friends I guess.

So a couple of weeks ago my wife asks me if it would be alright if they meet up at the park so the kids can play together.  Again, my daughter and his daughter are the same age.  She said if I don't feel comfortable with it she wouldn't do it but I told her I was fine with it because I trust her.  Our relationship has always been extremely trustful and without much jealously.  Zero history of any of us cheating at all.

Here is the biggest thing that bothers me.  I know for a fact they met at the park 2-3 times in the last couple weeks.  So I checked her phone to see if there were any phone calls or text messages.  There aren't.  How in the world can you coordinate meeting up at the park for a kids play date without a phone call or text message?  Time, place, day and confirmation you're on your way.  My suspicion is that she deleted the text messages and his phone # after plans were made.  Maybe she doesn't want me to see they talk on the phone for a long periods of time and also doesn't want me to read the text messages.

I actually met this guy once at the activity group and he's a rather good looking masculine man about my wife's age.  If I would picture the type of guy in my head that my wife would want to hook up with it would be similar to this style of guy.

I don't want to be the guy who is paranoid but do you think this warrants serious suspicion?

 

 

[d0nnivain]

You are paranoid.  Odds are they said hey I'm usually in the park on these days.  Then they saw each other there.  It was more a like a standing thing so the kids can play.  

Do keep your eyes open but if you trust your wife, act like it.  

[alphamale]

if you really think she's fooling around then keep on gathering evidence.  You may need to hire a private investigator if things get more complex.

[mark clemson]

Both the completely innocent/innocuous and the completely not innocent interpretations of this are reasonable IMO. That is unfortunate.

Some possible actions to consider:

• You could reasonably ask that she not see him at all any more. Explain that even though you love each other this makes you feel threatened. Then if she continues (and you find out) you know something is up. If he's just a friend, she can be done with him and go find new ones.
• You could find some way to verify what she is doing. Check phone records to see how frequently she's texted him. If it's a lot and yet it's being deleted well - yes, that certainly is suspicious. Request that she have a 2nd trusted friend accompany her to the park.
• You could let it continue without interference and hope your faith and trust in her are warranted.

The sad truth is that sometimes these friendships are a slippery slope that lead to EAs and sometimes PAs. Not always. But sometimes.

No 100% easy answer here. These are yellow flags IMO. 2-3 times in a few weeks suggests a genuine connection of some sort (possibly friendship).

You are right to be wary here.

[schlumpy]

Would the phone numbers you are looking for be on the phone bill? 

[mark clemson]

OP, just wanted to add, I'm married but I do like to flirt. I've had way too many women (including married with kids) start flirting "more heavily" with me over the years to ever suggest blind trust in a partner again. Generally, unfortunately, men should not "just trust" their wives. Some are totally loyal. Some genuinely can flirt without it "turning into something more". But that is by no means guaranteed. Particularly an attractive divorced man. Particularly in a park without lots of people who know them around...

[oldtruck]

the gut is never wrong.

years, decades reading on forums has clearly shown this to be true.

clearing her phone is a red flag.

A bigger red flag is this OM is going through a divorce.

do not say anything to your wife, it will make take evasive actions to prevent you

from catching her cheating. the thing to do is hide a digital VAR in your wife's car

this way you can hear her phone conversations with her OM.

[Doorstopper]

I think you tell your wife that you thought you would be ok with it, but you are not. You could ask that they only meet if there is another mom and child there.

You don't mention how many times a week they are meeting, but if it's twice a week for a couple hours, that's 4 hrs a week of basically one on one time. Even if  it starts innocent it could progress to something that isn't.

[schlumpy]

Never be ashamed, hesitant or apologetic for taking action where the goal is to protect your marriage.

[40somethingGuy]

This is actually easy.  Go on your provider's website and log in.  You will see calls (as well as the # and the minutes) and texts listed even if they were deleted.  They will show up there.  Of course she is deleting this stuff.  Your intuition is correct.  I doubt they are doing anything but talking at the park since the kids are there.  But they could be making other plans to meet at frames of time you are not thinking of. 

[smi11ie]

RED FLAGS

 

1. Good looking

2. Going through a divorce

3. Asking permission to DATE him (classic s***tery)

Shut it down now.  Don't overthink, your gut is screaming "THREAT" so, shut this pile down. 

Edited February 6, 2020 by smi11ie
misplaced comma

[zig]

17 hours ago, mark clemson said:

 unfortunately, men should not "just trust" their wives. Some are totally loyal. Some genuinely can flirt without it "turning into something more". But that is by no means guaranteed. Particularly an attractive divorced man. Particularly in a park without lots of people who know them around...

I'm really not concerned at all that something physical has happened.  I really trust my wife a lot, probably to a fault.  What concerns me, is like what you said, the flirting, and or emotional connection.  That's where it all starts.  Maybe she's just flattered that another man finds her attractive and gives her attention.  She's a mom in her 30's so I can see how an ego boost could feel good.  I think that's why a lot of women do these kind of things. 

1 hour ago, 40somethingGuy said:

This is actually easy.  Go on your provider's website and log in.  You will see calls (as well as the # and the minutes) and texts listed even if they were deleted.  They will show up there.  Of course she is deleting this stuff.  Your intuition is correct.  I doubt they are doing anything but talking at the park since the kids are there.  But they could be making other plans to meet at frames of time you are not thinking of. 

Yep, that is what bothers me.  Why is she deleting this stuff?  Here are a few possibilities.

• They never exchanged phone #'s in the first place.  Maybe he said, "hey, every tuesday and friday I'm at the park between 4 and 5 o'clock so stop by if you're in the area".
• He started flirting with her and she felt uneasy so she deleted his # and text messages and has already ended the whole thing.
• They are flirting with each other and talking on the phone and she's deleting all of it.

Logically it has to be one of those three.  For now I'm not going to lose sleep over it.  I'm just going to keep my eyes and ears open and if I have any more reason to think something is up then I'll go to the phone bill records.  For now I'm giving her a free pass and trusting her.  I don't want to be one of those paranoid husbands unless I have good reason to be.  Trust comes first until it's broken.  I stand by that.

 

 

Edited February 6, 2020 by zig
error

[zig]

29 minutes ago, smi11ie said:

RED FLAGS

 

1. Good looking

2. Going through a divorce

3. Asking permission to DATE him (classic s***tery)

Shut it down now.  Don't overthink, your gut is screaming "THREAT" so, shut this pile down. 

Yep I agree, those are red flags.  Can you elaborate on her actions concerning the fact that she actually asked permission to do this?  That part actually left me scratching my head.  If she had any intention of something happening why would she ask me and let the cat out of the bag?  

[smi11ie]

She wants you to feel responsibility.  If you "OK" her interaction with him then you are partially responsible, therefore, she is admonished.  Interaction with a divorcing/divorced guy should involve you, or else, it's a threat.  Shut it down or insist interaction occurs with you present.  Divorced guys are always looking for an emotional crutch which easily develops into more.  Your gut is correct.  Trust yourself.

[40somethingGuy]

Has your wife changed in any other ways?  Putting lock on phone, taking phone everywhere including arms reach from shower, picking petty fights with you to make you think you did something wrong, shaving bald down there,  changing her hair or overall look, making excuses to get out?  Or, is your wife complexly normal and within her routine other than this?

[zig]

2 minutes ago, smi11ie said:

She wants you to feel responsibility.  If you "OK" her interaction with him then you are partially responsible, therefore, she is admonished.

O.k. I get it.  I didn't see her asking permission as a red flag but now I see the psychology behind those kind of actions.

 

[smi11ie]

Don't take any s***.  If it smells bad, then it is bad.  In your heart you know that.  Hold her to the standard she promised you.  Have no sympathy for the other guy.  Protect what you have. 

[zig]

8 minutes ago, 40somethingGuy said:

Has your wife changed in any other ways?  Putting lock on phone, taking phone everywhere including arms reach from shower, picking petty fights with you to make you think you did something wrong, shaving bald down there,  changing her hair or overall look, making excuses to get out?  Or, is your wife complexly normal and within her routine other than this?

Everything is normal.  Yes, she changes her look sometimes and shaves down there on occasion (actually recently, ugh!!!!)  But she has always done these type of things from time to time since we met many years ago.  Nothing that makes me think hmmm that's different.  Our sex life is good if not better than it's ever been.  We say we love each other almost every day.  Not a perfect marriage but better than most IMO.  We have ups and downs just like everyone.

 

 

Edited February 6, 2020 by zig
error

[ABernie]

Does she use another app to communicate?  

 

FB messenger, What's App, Group Me?  There are so many..

[oldtruck]

1 hour ago, smi11ie said:

Don't take any s***.  If it smells bad, then it is bad.  In your heart you know that.  Hold her to the standard she promised you.  Have no sympathy for the other guy.  Protect what you have. 

after stepping in it and you look at the bottom of the shoe, after seeing it, then smelling it, it is not  necessary

to taste it to know what it is. Stop these dates before your WW hands you a s***sandwich

[zig]

51 minutes ago, ABernie said:

Does she use another app to communicate?  

 

FB messenger, What's App, Group Me?  There are so many..

Good thinking.  The only other one I know is FB and I checked that.  Didn't see anything.  But like you said, there are many.

 

[Crazelnut]

Dude, just go check your phone records.  I'm not sure what other "sign" you're waiting for.  That simple, logical act will tell you right away if she's deleting texts, which would be a huge red flag.  

[Buffer]

21 hours ago, Doorstopper said:

I think you tell your wife that you thought you would be ok with it, but you are not. You could ask that they only meet if there is another mom and child there.

You don't mention how many times a week they are meeting, but if it's twice a week for a couple hours, that's 4 hrs a week of basically one on one time. Even if  it starts innocent it could progress to something that isn't.

I have to agree with the above. 
Since it is twice a week at a set time, sniff around a bit more regarding other apps etc then rock up unannounced, just passing thought I would call in for  a hug or two. 
look at her reaction And listen to your gut. It is your sub conscious telling you something isn’t right. No accusations or anything. May be nothing or it could drive it underground. 
buffer 

[preraph]

Deleting text is not a red flag if you always delete your texts after you get them. it's only a red flag if she always keeps her texts and I'm having a hard time believing anyone does that because what a lot of clutter.

[SabreTeeth]

It's possible they arrange "play-dates" at the park based on their routines & thus don't need to communication via text/calls. I've no kids myself but when babysitting my niece & nephews for a couple of months while their parents were in Italy a guy (and then later another woman when rain meant I went a day later than usual) did just that. 

Do you know where they go? 

If yes one way to "test" the situation, if you would, is to quite simply invite yourself. You can either invite yourself along on her trip so that you see this guy for yourself & he may clue in on the fact she's taken. Or if you seriously suspect something maybe up, either by her or him, simply show up at the park even if just for a few minutes to see what's up.The child is your daughter so "popping by" isn't out of the question.