Recently separated and found out I'm pregnant

[lil_missy]

I don’t know what to do.

me n my husband just seperated 2-3 weeks ago and today I found out I’m pregnant.

it was always what I wanted to be pregnant , even last month I was tryining with him and so disappointed when it didn’t happen. We been trying for about 8 months even though we’ve been having issues but I was willing to over looked them all for a child. There was still enough love between us for me to stay for a child. 

But now I’m not sure, we just had a full on spat last night as lashing out at eachother blaming eachother for the end of the relationship. And calling eachother all sorts of ugly names. I don’t think we can come back from this 

weve had lots of issues, I’m not sure that my husband is even good husband material. Details are in my other threads 

I don’t know what to do! I was trying to move on with my life with my son now. We had just moved out of the family home into my moms houses and now I’m pregnant!!! I don’t now what to do!!!! 

I really wanna cry 

[DKT3]

Cheating and abuse are very difficult to overcome...most other issues are a matter of communication and empathy.  I have not read anything about either, so....

In reading some of your past threads you don't seem to be one that has much empathy for others except for the ex mm from years ago.

In a past thread you listed all the things he does wrong and all the things you do right but nothing he does right or you do wrong.  That shows a lack of empathy on your past and an unwillingness to accept any responsibility for your part in a bad marriage. 

Overall,  I only hear nagging type issues,  except the financial instability on his part. This issues can be navigated fairly easy with empathy and communication with some councillors help. 

Edited February 6, 2020 by DKT3

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That's tough :(.  I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  

[lil_missy]

On 2/6/2020 at 2:07 PM, DKT3 said:

Cheating and abuse are very difficult to overcome...most other issues are a matter of communication and empathy.  I have not read anything about either, so....

In reading some of your past threads you don't seem to be one that has much empathy for others except for the ex mm from years ago.

In a past thread you listed all the things he does wrong and all the things you do right but nothing he does right or you do wrong.  That shows a lack of empathy on your past and an unwillingness to accept any responsibility for your part in a bad marriage. 

Overall,  I only hear nagging type issues,  except the financial instability on his part. This issues can be navigated fairly easy with empathy and communication with some councillors help. 

Hey I do get what you are saying, thanks for being so honest. I’m def not perfect and some of our issues are def caused by me. And I’m willing to work on myself and do whatever I need to do. 

However at the core of it, I don’t know if he can change these deal breakers for me. They are no easy feat. First he is so financially irresponsible we are not only living pay check to pay check but he has gotten into heaps of debt over and over again. I don’t want to live like this, period. We’ve had to sell our house, along with my dreams of ever building something together, I’m not sure what his dream was. He said it was the same as mine but I felt action spoke louder than words. 

Second what is the cause of all this financial instability? Is it the drugs, is it gambling? Is he lying to me? Can he get off the drugs and gambling? 

If we are gonna have not one but two children together, are we gonna be able to provide a home and bright future for them? Given that currently he is dragging me down 

so something’s gotta change and there is no way he can achieve that kind of change before I have a make a decision about the baby.

im so sad because I’m having trouble seeing a scenario where keeping this baby would work. If I can’t trust and rely on him, then I need the support of my family. But  too scared to even tell my family, I just know they will flip and tell me to get rid of the baby. 

[Blind-Sided]

I'm at a loss with this.  With all the other issues... why would you be trying to get pregnant?   Regardless... you are.  So... file for divorce, and tell him when you get a chance.  BUT... do not keep the information from him... assuming he is the father.

[FMW]

Being pregnant may very well affect how a divorce can legally proceed (depending on the laws in your jurisdiction), so be prepared to deal with that if you're moving forward with  a divorce.  

I don't get continuing to try to get pregnant when things were bad enough to consider separation and divorce.  Maybe you need to take some time out and think things through instead of acting impetuously.  Put everything on pause for a bit.    

[S2B]

Just know you will be paying and raising the child mainly by yourself.

 

yes, take the money he offered - he hasn’t been paying his share and had money saved? Who does that?

[S2B]

15 hours ago, lil_missy said:

Hey I do get what you are saying, thanks for being so honest. I’m def not perfect and some of our issues are def caused by me. And I’m willing to work on myself and do whatever I need to do. 

However at the core of it, I don’t know if he can change these deal breakers for me. They are no easy feat. First he is so financially irresponsible we are not only living pay check to pay check but he has gotten into heaps of debt over and over again. I don’t want to live like this, period. We’ve had to sell our house, along with my dreams of ever building something together, I’m not sure what his dream was. He said it was the same as mine but I felt action spoke louder than words. 

Second what is the cause of all this financial instability? Is it the drugs, is it gambling? Is he lying to me? Can he get off the drugs and gambling? 

If we are gonna have not one but two children together, are we gonna be able to provide a home and bright future for them? Given that currently he is dragging me down 

so something’s gotta change and there is no way he can achieve that kind of change before I have a make a decision about the baby.

im so sad because I’m having trouble seeing a scenario where keeping this baby would work. If I can’t trust and rely on him, then I need the support of my family. But  too scared to even tell my family, I just know they will flip and tell me to get rid of the baby. 

Many reasons not to have another child with him!

[lil_missy]

11 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

I'm at a loss with this.  With all the other issues... why would you be trying to get pregnant?   Regardless... you are.  So... file for divorce, and tell him when you get a chance.  BUT... do not keep the information from him... assuming he is the father.

Well we were trying up til about a month ago, the last time we had sex I didn’t really want to as the relationship was horrible by then but just let it happen and I was thought I was outside of my ovulation period. 

Whether right or wrong, my thinking was like if we got pregnant I’d be so happy that I’d feel all our problems paled in comparison. Sometimes I think maybe our issues are somewhat petty, and I’m just unhappy with life as I work from home most days and really don’t have a life anymore after our first child came, bought a house in the burbs and all I do is be a house wife and work a couple of days a week. I feel kinda isolated coz I’m so far from all my friends 

i also remember the last pregnancy as some of the happiest time in my life. 

Now im thinking maybe I should keep this baby and work on my marriage again.

i already told my husband and he thinks it’s a sign that we should work it out. 

[Ellener]

On 2/7/2020 at 12:10 AM, lil_missy said:

 is so financially irresponsible we are not only living pay check to pay check but he has gotten into heaps of debt over and over again. I don’t want to live like this, period.

 

On 2/7/2020 at 12:10 AM, lil_missy said:

Can he get off the drugs and gambling? 

You already have one son and now another child on the way. Sounds like you are probably going to be single parenting. Enlist the support of your family and friends and make the best of it is what I'd do. What I did!

18 minutes ago, lil_missy said:

i already told my husband and he thinks it’s a sign that we should work it out. 

Then he needs to step up and deal with his issues re finances, drugs etc. Being a parent means the children come first, for a very long time. You can tell by now how he is with your son what kind of dad he'll make. 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Blind-Sided]

I think its great that he wants to work on things... but the reality is... he has some serious issues. You should really consider that the only way you should stay is if he goes to a program to get himself clean, and to stop the gambling. If he won't... your life... and the life of your kids will suffer.  Not to mention... if there are drugs in the house... is that really what you want for your children??????  I have several cousins who used drugs and alcohol on different levels... and all of their kids became junkies, and losers.  The only one who has risen above this is the kid who's dad has been dead for 10 years because of the chemical abuse.  He grew up without a dad !!!!!!  And NO... these are not petty issues at all.  My EX hit me with petty issues, like not doing enough dishes, or changing diapers when my oldest was a baby.  There was no issues with losing our house, or drugs. 

In the next few weeks... you really need to give some serious thought about just making a clean start if there isn't immediate action on this vices. I know for a fact... the only reason you are considering staying is because it the easy thing to do. (Physically and emotionally)

Good luck with the outcome, and we know it's not easy.

Edited February 8, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[lil_missy]

I’ve decided to terminate the pregnancy. It makes me so sad but I have to. I don’t want to bring a child into a world without a stable future. 

Ive moved to my moms for 2 weeks now and we’ve being seperated but my ex keeps asking me for money. First I gave him $500 for some phone bill he owed. Then I had debt collectors call me looking for him, and I gave him another $700. And another $250 so he can get through the week. 

3 days later he asked me for another $100 and I said no. And he called me “heartless “ and to not ask him for any help with anything again. 

Am I wrong to say no? 

He is totally wrong right? How can I be with a man that acts like this? How can I raise a child with this man? I’m already sad for the one child I do have. 

[Blind-Sided]

No... you are not heartless.  This is a hole he has dug you both into.  It's time for you to climb out of that hole !!  As above... I know it's not easy... but it has to be done.  I can't comment on the choice you made on the pregnancy, but I'm sure It took a lot of soul searching for you to come to that conclusion.

Stay strong in moving forward.