Am I overreacting - is he cheating?

[mark clemson]

47 minutes ago, rainfall said:

Now some of you guys have me paranoid he’s cheating on me.

Don't let it under your skin (possibly easier said than done). Definitely do not assume he's cheating and don't broach it without solid evidence. You'll almost certainly only get denials and then IF he is he will just cover his tracks better. Instead, recognize that he's probably not, but the situation warrants some investigation just to confirm this.

Trust, but verify. Speaking for myself (and possibly others) that is what I've intended to say, possibly not communicated well. 

Figure out a way to verify, and then you can trust more fully.

[rainfall]

59 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Don't let it under your skin (possibly easier said than done). Definitely do not assume he's cheating and don't broach it without solid evidence. You'll almost certainly only get denials and then IF he is he will just cover his tracks better. Instead, recognize that he's probably not, but the situation warrants some investigation just to confirm this.

Trust, but verify. Speaking for myself (and possibly others) that is what I've intended to say, possibly not communicated well. 

Figure out a way to verify, and then you can trust more fully.

That’s my problem I don’t know how to verify anything. I’ve never had a reason to question anything so anything I do would be a huge red flag that I suspect something. I know he really does go out drinking at least 75% if the time.
 

 

(My friend goes with them.... but like I think I said she’s busy looking for a random guy to go home with) 

 

so I’m just not sure what to do. I’m not going to put a gps tracker on his car because If I do that and I’m wrong and he found it we would be over. 
 

[mark clemson]

One idea to consider would be to ask your friend what she sees happening at these things. You can mention you're a little worried about your H staying out so late or similar, being tired, etc, rather than bringing up infidelity. See what the overall "vibe" of her answer is. If she's your friend rather than his, hopefully she would tell you of anything inappropriate. If you decide to do this, suggest you make it casual and friendly - don't see too anxious or anything and see what she says.

I agree don't do anything "overboard" that might threaten your marriage, etc.

Edited February 10, 2020 by mark clemson
typo

[rainfall]

40 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

One idea to consider would be to ask your friend what she sees happening at these things. You can mention you're a little worried about your H staying out so late or similar, being tired, etc, rather than bringing up infidelity. See what the overall "vibe" of her answer is. If she's your friend rather than his, hopefully she would tell you of anything inappropriate. If you decide to do this, suggest you make it casual and friendly - don't see too anxious or anything and see what she says.

I agree don't do anything "overboard" that might threaten your marriage, etc.

We’ve actually already talked about it and she says she never sees anything even semi inappropriate. But he also knows that she would text me the second she did so if there is anything going on he would be smart enough to not do it when she’s there. 

[rainfall]

So I started a thread about my husband going out all the time and some of the responses made me obsessed that he’s cheating on me. How can I find out without accusing him right out? If I’m wrong I don’t want to ruin our marriage, but if I’m right I don’t want to be made a fool of. 
 

any signs I should look for and how have other people busted a cheating spouse? 
 

 

[mark clemson]

I saw your other thread. Just to point out and follow up - since your friend is along, I think he's "supervised". I think that sets a limit on anything he might do infidelity wise. Sure anyone could be smart enough to avoid doing anything obvious around a friend of the family. BUT I also think that if there's anything regularly going on, such as an EA or "connection" developing between people, adults (and even kids) tend to be aware that "there's something going on".

So, my belief is that IF he's doing anything it's not within observable distance of your friend or she would probably know.

"Trust but verify." I think having this friend along most of the time is probably a pretty good "verify". If there was anything regularly going on between him and someone else, she'd be very likely to become aware of it IMO. People tend to be quite good at picking up on these things.

So, cautiously pursue other avenues to check up on him if you must, but honestly I think you can relax quite a bit due to the friend being along.

[rainfall]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I saw your other thread. Just to point out and follow up - since your friend is along, I think he's "supervised". I think that sets a limit on anything he might do infidelity wise. Sure anyone could be smart enough to avoid doing anything obvious around a friend of the family. BUT I also think that if there's anything regularly going on, such as an EA or "connection" developing between people, adults (and even kids) tend to be aware that "there's something going on".

So, my belief is that IF he's doing anything it's not within observable distance of your friend or she would probably know.

"Trust but verify." I think having this friend along most of the time is probably a pretty good "verify". If there was anything regularly going on between him and someone else, she'd be very likely to become aware of it IMO. People tend to be quite good at picking up on these things.

So, cautiously pursue other avenues to check up on him if you must, but honestly I think you can relax quite a bit due to the friend being along.

Oh yeah... she’s definitely aware. She told me when he gave a old friend (mural) a hug when she was In town. I had to work the next day so I couldn’t go, but she would tell me anything even kind of off. 

[BreakOnThrough]

Why not just ask him and share your concerns directly.

BUT, if you are looking into ending the relationship and JUST want proof, you could put a GPS and VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car.  You'll have your answer fairly quickly.  BUT, doing this is a breach of trust, no matter what you find, even if you don't find anything, the relationship is already over at this point.

[2BGoodAgain]

change your routine.

or just follow him, without being obvious and then you'll know if he is or he isn't.

then you can decide what to do next.

people who cheat, leave a trail of evidence behind.. emails, texts, etc... it isn't very hard to find out, if you know where to look.

usually these days, looking thru his phone will prob find proof.

dont know where to look? just do a search and type things like "sex" or "date" or "missing you".  it'll search the whole phone for that. 

see what pop ups. or find an dating app or texting/messaging apps.

[rainfall]

On 2/11/2020 at 12:37 PM, BreakOnThrough said:

Why not just ask him and share your concerns directly.

BUT, if you are looking into ending the relationship and JUST want proof, you could put a GPS and VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car.  You'll have your answer fairly quickly.  BUT, doing this is a breach of trust, no matter what you find, even if you don't find anything, the relationship is already over at this point.

I don’t want to end the relationship. I want to grow old with him. I need to know if he’s cheating but if I accuse or ask him and I’m wrong he’ll get upset I don’t trust him. I don’t know what to do m. 
 

On 2/11/2020 at 12:46 PM, 2BGoodAgain said:

change your routine.

or just follow him, without being obvious and then you'll know if he is or he isn't.

then you can decide what to do next.

people who cheat, leave a trail of evidence behind.. emails, texts, etc... it isn't very hard to find out, if you know where to look.

usually these days, looking thru his phone will prob find proof.

dont know where to look? just do a search and type things like "sex" or "date" or "missing you".  it'll search the whole phone for that. 

see what pop ups. or find an dating app or texting/messaging apps.

He just got a new phone last month and I don’t know the passcode. To be fair he doesn’t know mine.... I Don’t think there’s a way to get into his phone without it. 
 

 

[IndigoNight]

It's doesn't sound like he has crossed the line to cheating. What he is guilty of doing, however, is reliving his youth at the expense of you,  and your marriage.

Have you talked to him about how you are feeling? Going out 4+ times a week is generally not what married people do. Have you told him you'd be fine with him going out 1-2 times a week? (Which is still a lot for most couples) If he isn't willing to listen to how his actions are upsetting you, and if he refuses to compromise, it might be time for you to reevaluate your marriage.

Sorry that you are going through this. Hopefully you and your husband will come to an agreement that honors your marriage, and the love that you have for one another.

Edited February 13, 2020 by IndigoNight

[Baman]

Mid life crises to my mind...

He may well be evaluating everything in his life including you.

I've had two. The first one i was totally clueless as to what was happening and ''acting out''. My poor wife also had no clue as to what was going on and together we did not have the skills to navigate it.

second one, I know whats going on and why, my new wife understands as well. We have good talks about it and what it means and more important how to go through it, adapt and survive it together.

@rainfall I would suggest raising the issue but stay away from accusations. If its mid life crises it is a normal part of life. I see them as life readjustment periods to be navigated. 

 

all the best

[schlumpy]

I don't understand why you feel a need to walk on eggshells while he's pretty much doing what he wants regardless of how you feel about it. Don't let him frame the argument. This isn't about you trusting him. It's about the inappropriate actions he's engaged in that are threatening your relationship.

Your choice now is to take a risk that your marriage will end if you attempt to regain control of your life or just sit passively by until he decides he's had enough of whatever it is he's getting. Then he can come home to his understanding SO and be the best husband you could ever want. You will then be gratified and happy that at the end of the day he came back to you - the backup plan.

[JTSW]

Something is definitely not right.

He spends all day every day with these people then most nights with them.

He goes to spend your day off with a friend.

He's avoiding you for some reason.

Forget about phones and tracking devices etc, that's not going to help in the long run.

What i suggest is you sit down and talk calmly with him. 

Express your concerns about how little time he spends with you and favors his work friends, not to mention how costly these nights out are.

Tell him you feel lonely and that you miss him.

Ask him if there is anything wrong that you can discuss and try and sort out together.

[elaine567]

 

On 2/7/2020 at 3:07 PM, rainfall said:

 I know all of the people he’s going out with. One is a good friend of mine who’s fiancé just dumped her.

On 2/7/2020 at 3:07 PM, rainfall said:

This behavior just started a couple months ago.

Coincidence?
We had a wife on here who was suspicious her husband was having an affair.
She shared all her fears with her best friend who was of the opinion that he wasn't cheating. 
Supposedly he had been seen meeting a woman in a local park, so she got a PI to stake it out.
She told the friend of her plans, but as the friend predicted the PI found nothing.
A lot later, she found her husband was indeed having an affair.
The woman in the park had been wearing a wig to conceal her identity, and was in fact.... the best friend...
 

[rainfall]

On 2/13/2020 at 3:13 AM, IndigoNight said:

It's doesn't sound like he has crossed the line to cheating. What he is guilty of doing, however, is reliving his youth at the expense of you,  and your marriage.

Have you talked to him about how you are feeling? Going out 4+ times a week is generally not what married people do. Have you told him you'd be fine with him going out 1-2 times a week? (Which is still a lot for most couples) If he isn't willing to listen to how his actions are upsetting you, and if he refuses to compromise, it might be time for you to reevaluate your marriage.

Sorry that you are going through this. Hopefully you and your husband will come to an agreement that honors your marriage, and the love that you have for one another.

I do think he is reliving his youth . He is stuck at a job he hates and doesn't see a way out. I think sometimes he resents that I make a lot more money than he does, although I do not care at all about money. It means nothing to me as long as bills are paid. I haven't talked to him yet, this week was exhausting for me work wise and the last thing I wanted to do after a long day was possibly argue. We have plans to spend the weekend together so I am going to bring it up when we are both relaxed and off from work.

 

 

On 2/13/2020 at 4:23 AM, Baman said:

Mid life crises to my mind...

He may well be evaluating everything in his life including you.

I've had two. The first one i was totally clueless as to what was happening and ''acting out''. My poor wife also had no clue as to what was going on and together we did not have the skills to navigate it.

second one, I know whats going on and why, my new wife understands as well. We have good talks about it and what it means and more important how to go through it, adapt and survive it together.

@rainfall I would suggest raising the issue but stay away from accusations. If its mid life crises it is a normal part of life. I see them as life readjustment periods to be navigated. 

 

all the best

I am just afraid he will decide he doesn't want me in his life after this mid life crisis is over.

 

 

On 2/13/2020 at 5:41 AM, schlumpy said:

I don't understand why you feel a need to walk on eggshells while he's pretty much doing what he wants regardless of how you feel about it. Don't let him frame the argument. This isn't about you trusting him. It's about the inappropriate actions he's engaged in that are threatening your relationship.

Your choice now is to take a risk that your marriage will end if you attempt to regain control of your life or just sit passively by until he decides he's had enough of whatever it is he's getting. Then he can come home to his understanding SO and be the best husband you could ever want. You will then be gratified and happy that at the end of the day he came back to you - the backup plan.

 

If he is cheating I want us to end no matter what. I am just afraid is I say he is cheating and he isn't he will get really annoyed at me.

 

 

7 hours ago, elaine567 said:

 

Coincidence?
We had a wife on here who was suspicious her husband was having an affair.
She shared all her fears with her best friend who was of the opinion that he wasn't cheating. 
Supposedly he had been seen meeting a woman in a local park, so she got a PI to stake it out.
She told the friend of her plans, but as the friend predicted the PI found nothing.
A lot later, she found her husband was indeed having an affair.
The woman in the park had been wearing a wig to conceal her identity, and was in fact.... the best friend...
 

 

I know this girl and she would not be the type to cheat with him. If he is cheating I have an idea who it would be with, but I just do not know how to get proof. I could hire a PI , but I would rather spend my money on other things. If I have to go that far then there is no trust at all and without even a small amount there is nothing. I don't trust him 100% , but I also still do trust him.

 

 

[Baman]

7 hours ago, rainfall said:

I am just afraid he will decide he doesn't want me in his life after this mid life crisis is over...

If he is cheating I want us to end no matter what. I am just afraid is I say he is cheating and he isn't he will get really annoyed at me...

 If I have to go that far then there is no trust at all and without even a small amount there is nothing. I don't trust him 100% , but I also still do trust him...

 

 

Him not wanting you in his life is scary. I know the fear from my own experiences. BUT there are no guarantees with any relationship. He could leave you for another woman at anytime, he could just up and go walkabout to rediscover himself, he could die. Or even you might leave him...What remains is yourself. You have to grow strong enough to survive alone and be ok with it.

all the best with your weekend chat. sometimes what can save a relationship is having big scary brutally honest conversations.

[schlumpy]

Change only comes when there are consequences for your actions or self recognition that you are on the wrong road. So far, except for your expressed irritation with his behavior he has suffered none. Even now your main concern is for his health, well being and maintaining his job. None of that matters if there is no future and that's what you need to know.

Bring some pressure to bear. Demand marriage counseling as your first option if he balks then increase the pressure. You can do it internally (no sex, sleep on the couch, wash your own dishes, do your own laundry, silent treatment, cold shoulder, etc....) whatever is most effective or you can bring outside forces to bear such as the criticism from family and friends. Always make it clear that if he wants to talk the door is open. If there is no response then it's on to separation or divorce. 

If you don't get a satisfactory response or re-engagement from any of these methods then what are you hoping to save?

I know you are afraid that you will make it worse if you do something. You might make the wrong choice and it all comes down to having the personality to see things through. I'm not asking you to go outside your comfort zone but standing still and being quiet isn't going to get you anywhere.

I don't see you and your SO as compatible. You do not complement one another. For him to blatantly disregard your feelings for how he's treating you is a serious red flag. 

[rainfall]

12 hours ago, Baman said:

Him not wanting you in his life is scary. I know the fear from my own experiences. BUT there are no guarantees with any relationship. He could leave you for another woman at anytime, he could just up and go walkabout to rediscover himself, he could die. Or even you might leave him...What remains is yourself. You have to grow strong enough to survive alone and be ok with it.

all the best with your weekend chat. sometimes what can save a relationship is having big scary brutally honest conversations.

I don’t think I can survive without him. He’s been my rock for my entire adult life. I’m hoping our chat goes ok this weekend. 

4 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Change only comes when there are consequences for your actions or self recognition that you are on the wrong road. So far, except for your expressed irritation with his behavior he has suffered none. Even now your main concern is for his health, well being and maintaining his job. None of that matters if there is no future and that's what you need to know.

Bring some pressure to bear. Demand marriage counseling as your first option if he balks then increase the pressure. You can do it internally (no sex, sleep on the couch, wash your own dishes, do your own laundry, silent treatment, cold shoulder, etc....) whatever is most effective or you can bring outside forces to bear such as the criticism from family and friends. Always make it clear that if he wants to talk the door is open. If there is no response then it's on to separation or divorce. 

If you don't get a satisfactory response or re-engagement from any of these methods then what are you hoping to save?

I know you are afraid that you will make it worse if you do something. You might make the wrong choice and it all comes down to having the personality to see things through. I'm not asking you to go outside your comfort zone but standing still and being quiet isn't going to get you anywhere.

I don't see you and your SO as compatible. You do not complement one another. For him to blatantly disregard your feelings for how he's treating you is a serious red flag. 

What I don’t get is what changed between now and 6 months ago. 6 months ago (even 3) he was amazing. We had our disagreements but nothing like this. 

[Daisydooks]

7 hours ago, rainfall said:

He’s been my rock for my entire adult life

I felt this to my core.  My ex was my everything. I'd never lived alone. I grew up with him. He was all I ever knew. Then he screwed around. His OW reached out to me and thats how I was made aware of his affair. I was going to school and working, so he had lots of free time where I was not home. He was also very heavy into drinking and doing drugs at different points in our 12 years, and only sometimes wanting to straighten his life out.  

He was also an addict who partied far too much, and not only had an addiction to alcohol, but cocaine, too. Your story hits me hard because I see the old me within you. 

I will say, having been with someone from 16 to 28, and then being cheated on, I felt this with every bit of me.

You definitely need you though. You dont need him. You need you and I'd hate to see you lose yourself in this because you value him more.

I was willing to stand by and battle addictions with him. I chose that. I chose to stay during those battles he had. I was not willing to be cheated on and it was something I still have never forgiven him for to this very day. I never will. It is unforgivable to me. What hurt me the most is he cheated for 2 months with someone he didnt even end up with. He lost everything for something who meant absolutely nothing. Like, actually nothing. He threw her under the bus the second he could. Had she meant something, I would have been less hurt and angry, but she literally meant less to him than the s*** on the bottom of his shoe. She was tossed away like nothing because she didnt mean a damn thing. He just never thought he would get caught and took that for granted. I couldnt forgive a man who couldnt come clean. I couldnt forgive a man whose other woman had to tell me what was happening. I knew something was wrong. I didnt know what

Almost a decade out of the situation now, my life looks very different. I learned I could be on my own. I even learned that I loved being alone, doing it alone and found pride in myself for walking away (and not allowing the fear of the unknown and being alone,) scare the hell out of me. I knew my worth, and I deserved better than that. You do, too, Sweets! 

I cant say any of it was easy. I got myself into counseling so I could move forward. That helped a bit. It helped me understand. What truly helped me was just doing it alone, time and having patience with myself and my emotions. I rushed nothing when it came to how I felt. I moved out cey quickly and let a lawyer handle the rest as I had zero interest in discussing any of it. I was done. That was not going to be the way my story ended. 

I don't know if your partner is cheating. I do believe there is something bigger happening right now with his behaviour and I dont know what it is. As I said in my original comment, the behaviour is alarming and this is definitely how both my dad and ex ended up going from being social drinkers to shut in addicts who never left home. My exs lifestyle definitely lead him down a path of self destruction, where someone who was way more fun than his "awful and boring" wife at home looked more appealing. I was awful and boring because I had a job and school.

She was younger but not by much, lived at home with her parents still, had no responsibilities, and loved to drink and do drugs like he did.  She did cocaine. She drank too much. She was everything I wasnt and nothing he wanted all at the same time. 

Fortunately for me, she had morals or was considerate of the wife he had at home when she found out about me. Most women aren't that lucky. I would have NEVER suspected or expected him to cheat. I ALWAYS trusted him implicitly, even when he came home at 5am. I trusted him no matter how messed up he got, no matter how drunk he was, and no matter how many poor decisions he made. Until I couldnt anymore because my world was blown up.

Right now, I know it feels impossible. It isnt. You have the strength within you to find out what's happening and why. You have the strength to do this alone, even when you dont feel strong. 

Thinking of you. Xoxo

[rainfall]

3 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

I don't know if your partner is cheating. I do believe there is something bigger happening right now with his behaviour and I dont know what it is. As I said in my original comment, the behaviour is alarming

Thinking of you. Xoxo

I don’t know what’s going on or what changed. We had a talk about his going out. 2 day’s a week is fine with me and he says he’ll try to keep it to that. If I’m off work the next day I’m going to try to go more. It’s just hard when you are used to getting up at 530. Staying up till 3 is painful. 
 

we agreed to one weekend a month for just the two of us. I’m ok with that. I love my alone time and binging Netflix and he loves playing his video games. I’m fine with us having separate hobbies. I just want some time with my husband. Nights during the week will be hard because he gets home late, and I’m going to bed early. 
 

I guess we did this when I was in school. I went to bed at 9 and he used to work nights so we only saw each other on 1-2 days a week. It just is sad that I sometimes feel I should either go back to the position I hated and keep my marriage or stay in my dream job and possibly get divorced. 
 

I’m still paranoid he’s cheating because of people on here I’ve been snooping with things. Found things that could be something or could also be innocent and I don’t know how to bring that up without him knowing I was snooping. 
 

I’ll figure that out tomorrow I guess. I’m just hoping this agreement sticks. We will see I guess. We talked a little about him getting a new job, but it wasn’t a serious talk. It was more of a casual talk. 

[rainfall]

I hate this. I’m wide awake when I should be asleep. I don’t like taking more then my prescribed amount of sleeping pulls me, but tonight they’ve done nothing. I want to ask him about my suspicions but our talk about his going out and us spending time together went so good. I at least want one night without tension. 
 

I know he’ll deny it though if he is cheating so idk what to do. I guess start saving enough to leave If needed. I definitely haven’t been saving money like I should. I’ve been enjoying my life and didn’t think I might have to possibly do things alone. I’m just devastated by this because I’m not sure what he could even see in this girl. 
 

she is straight up trash and definitely would have no type of future to offer him. 

[schlumpy]

I think that is a good step to take. Make sure you have the resources (cash) you need to carry you through any problems that you may encounter. Everyone needs an emergency fund. That's a good plan.

I wish I could take away your paranoia concerning infidelity. It's only one item for consideration and at this point has no more credibility then any others. The real point here is how it's affecting you. You don't realize it but this is the type of experience that changes you as a person and will modify your behaviors in the future.

In your opinion, what internal need is your husband fulfilling with his late night excursions? Is it just boredom? Is he a gregarious type of person who likes to be the focus of a lot of attention? Is it simply the drinking? Is he trying to hide from something. Does it bother him that you are enthusiastic about your job and maybe feels like you are moving forward in life without him have something comparable to contribute?

It's always good to keep the radar up but do not confront him with any accusations that you do not have solid proof for. Never reveal the sources of your information. If you keep your mouth shut and eyes open things will eventually reveal themselves especially with alcohol involved.

Meanwhile make sure you get enough sleep, eat right, and exercise. Don't neglect yourself.

[Baman]

That you don't think you can survive without him really shows that you must learn to do just that. Even if you guys fix everything. IMO this is the most important thing you should focus on. Your sense of self worth and autonomy. Your emotional ability to survive on your own no matter how hard it may be. 

A sudden change might indicate that's just when his crises hit OR that be when he started messing around if indeed he is.

His willingness to be good when having your discussion may well have worked its magic... you didn't dare go to what may be the real fear you have. (on that bit about his going out, he will "TRY" to not go out??? What does that mean really. Oops, I accidently went out again?)

people have affairs with the most unlikely people... she might be miss 'right now' and an ear to whine in. He doesn't have to be looking for a future., just someone to help him slam his hand down on the self destruct button.

As for snooping, well, that's sort of not right, BUT... If you find something then you deserved to know, if you find nothing NEVER mention you snooped.

If he IS having an affair, it does not automatically mean divorce you know. There are plenty of people for whom it creates a better marriage or even a modified but better working one. 

[Daisydooks]

1 hour ago, rainfall said:

I hate this. I’m wide awake when I should be asleep. I don’t like taking more then my prescribed amount of sleeping pulls me, but tonight they’ve done nothing. I want to ask him about my suspicions but our talk about his going out and us spending time together went so good. I at least want one night without tension. 
 

I know he’ll deny it though if he is cheating so idk what to do. I guess start saving enough to leave If needed. I definitely haven’t been saving money like I should. I’ve been enjoying my life and didn’t think I might have to possibly do things alone. I’m just devastated by this because I’m not sure what he could even see in this girl. 
 

she is straight up trash and definitely would have no type of future to offer him. 

Have you found anything to suspect something is happening with them?

Confront with proof only. I showed up to her house while he was there. I had plenty enough proof and had met with his OW already