Am I overreacting - is he cheating?

[HappiDays]

Hi rainfall

I was also afraid of life without my husband. In my case I did end up getting a divorce and found that I WAS strong enough to survive it and in fact thrive on my own. When you are put in a position of HAVING to do something it's amazing what you are capable of.

But you aren't anywhere near that at this point. But I do think you may be facing some kind of crisis. Something is causing your husband's behavior.

How old is he? You were 16 when your relationship started. Was he a teen also? If so it's possible that as an adult he may have outgrown your relationship. I'm so sorry to say that because I know it's scary for you and it hurts. But it is a possibility that you need to consider and prepare yourself for, just in case. I have read about it happening many times and have also seen it happen.

You do need to start saving, and start telling yourself daily that you can and will survive whatever is thrown at you. 

You might consider telling him that his behavior is causing you to think about the possible reasons, and also causing you to build your defenses in case something really is wrong. Don't be afraid to talk to him. He brought this on himself. Tell him that. Especially since you have tried to talk to him about it without him showing much concern.

Good luck with your talk. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Hugs my friend.

[rainfall]

10 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

Have you found anything to suspect something is happening with them?

Confront with proof only. I showed up to her house while he was there. I had plenty enough proof and had met with his OW already

Lots of texting (more than I feel is acceptable) 

he went out of town last weekend and she didn’t text him once. She posted a picture of her out of town in the same place he was at but there was no date on the picture and she took it down a few hours later. 
 

And I just have a gut feeling about it. i don’t know how to confront him about the picture bc it’s gone and we aren’t Facebook friends. I was just stalking her page.  So I’m not sure what to do. I can wait outside her place when he says he’s at work late I guess 

[rainfall]

11 hours ago, Baman said:

That you don't think you can survive without him really shows that you must learn to do just that. Even if you guys fix everything. IMO this is the most important thing you should focus on. Your sense of self worth and autonomy. Your emotional ability to survive on your own no matter how hard it may be. 

A sudden change might indicate that's just when his crises hit OR that be when he started messing around if indeed he is.

His willingness to be good when having your discussion may well have worked its magic... you didn't dare go to what may be the real fear you have. (on that bit about his going out, he will "TRY" to not go out??? What does that mean really. Oops, I accidently went out again?)

people have affairs with the most unlikely people... she might be miss 'right now' and an ear to whine in. He doesn't have to be looking for a future., just someone to help him slam his hand down on the self destruct button.

As for snooping, well, that's sort of not right, BUT... If you find something then you deserved to know, if you find nothing NEVER mention you snooped.

If he IS having an affair, it does not automatically mean divorce you know. There are plenty of people for whom it creates a better marriage or even a modified but better working one. 

I plan to talk to him about my other fears, but I didn’t want to push things after my one issue was “fixed”. And if he’s having an affair it dies mean divorce. I’ll never forgive anyone for cheating. I would make sure everyone (his family who loves me) knows what he did so if he ends up with her they will be shunned. I will ruin both of them (legally). 

[elaine567]

If you suspect he is cheating say nothing.
Do not alert him, he will only lie and lie and lie and then take it all underground.
Proof is a lot easier to find when he thinks he is being clever and you don't know.
Once you have undeniable proof then you can confront him.

The proof is needed for yourself, there is no need to get proof to convince him he is cheating he already knows.... 

[rainfall]

30 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

If you suspect he is cheating say nothing.
Do not alert him, he will only lie and lie and lie and then take it all underground.
Proof is a lot easier to find when he thinks he is being clever and you don't know.
Once you have undeniable proof then you can confront him.

The proof is needed for yourself, there is no need to get proof to convince him he is cheating he already knows.... 

I don’t know how to get proof though. Everything I have now is just suspicion. I need 100-% proof 

[Daisydooks]

Do you have the ability to put a VAR in his car? (Voice activated recording device)

Near the head rest is the most clear spot from what I've seen here on LS. Under his seat can be muffled or distorted, making it hard to hear conversations either on the phone or in the car, for example.

Personally, this would have my Spidey senses going off and what you have shared makes me really uncomfortable about their communications and whereabouts and that they didnt send messages while he was away... making me feel like he was with her perhaps. I sincerely hope that's not true. It isnt enough proof to confront him YET, but its uncomfortable enough for me to read that, so I would find out more. Trust but verify is what I would go by here. Trust him but verify his whereabouts. 

I think after 12 years I just so blindly trusted my ex that the only reason I ever knew about his affair was because his other woman told me. I knew he had issues, and I knew there were odd things he did. I sincerely never expected that though. So you wouldnt be the first to not expect it and have the wind taken out of your sails.  

I chalked it up as something else because I blindly trusted him for as long as I did. I do not believe he was cheating at any point before this affaid of his either. I think it was one poor decision after another and she was fun and had no responsibilities so she was also available 

How long have you been together? (If you dont mind me asking.)

If he is in fact at the bar every night he says he is and home the remainder of the time, I would worry less. But then there is his work day where he has all day to communicate without you knowing about it. What is his work life like? Does he have freedom to go out for lunches, and can he step away for an hour or two at a time? Or is his work life pretty strict about his whereabouts? 

Edited February 17, 2020 by Daisydooks

[rainfall]

2 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Do you have the ability to put a VAR in his car? (Voice activated recording device)

Near the head rest is the most clear spot from what I've seen here on LS. Under his seat can be muffled or distorted, making it hard to hear conversations either on the phone or in the car? for example.

Personally, this would have my Spidey senses going off and what you have shared makes me really uncomfortable about their communications and whereabouts and that they didnt send messages while he was away... making me feel like he was with her perhaps. I sincerely hope that's not true. It isnt enough proof to confront him YET, but its uncomfortable enough for me to read that, so I would find out more. Trust but verify is what I would go by here. Trust him but verify his whereabouts. 

I think after 12 years I just so blindly trusted my ex that the only reason I ever knew about his affair was because his other woman told me. I knew he had issues, and I knew there were odd things he did. I sincerely never expected that though. So you wouldnt be the first to not expect it and have the wind taken out of your sails.  

I chalked it up as something else because I blindly trusted him for as long as I did. I do not believe he was cheating at any point before this affaid of his either. I think it was one poor decision after another and she was fun and had no responsibilities so she was also available 

How long have you been together? (If you dont mind me asking.)

If he is in fact at the bar every night he says he is and home the remainder of the time, I would worry less. But then there is his work day where he has all day to communicate without you knowing about it. What is his work life like? Does he have freedom to go out for lunches, and can he step away for an hour or two at a time? Or is his work life pretty strict about his whereabouts? 

How would I get a var? Are they easy to see and take off when I need to? We’ve been together 20 years and he can’t leave work at all, but he can tell me he’s staying late and I’d have no way to know if he’s lying or not. 

[Buffer]

Answer yes he is. 
sorry 

Buffer

[rainfall]

12 minutes ago, Buffer said:

Answer yes he is. 
sorry 

Buffer

How do I get proof though? I need proof of this for things to end right. 

[Buffer]

Hi and sorry you are going through this. First off how much information do you need. Just enough to satisfy yourself or a multi amount to prove beyond reasonable doubt? Things like a Private Inv costly but proof one way or another. You can as previously suggested have a VAR placed in his car. Can you get his phone and download a key pad tracker and recover his deleted messages and emails? 
No matter what way you go it is a crap 💩 journey. Best of luck and none of this is on you. Trust your feelings it is your sub conscious yelling at you something isn’t right. 
Buffer

[assertives]

55 minutes ago, rainfall said:

How would I get a var? Are they easy to see and take off when I need to? We’ve been together 20 years and he can’t leave work at all, but he can tell me he’s staying late and I’d have no way to know if he’s lying or not. 

You can get one from best buy or Amazon. I've read from here that Sony makes a good one. Google around for some recommendations, there are also youtube videos out there that shows people how to set up voice recording in the car. Be careful leaving behind any trails online (email receipts, or browsing history, etc) lest he catches wind that you are watching him. It'll only make him more careful if he's cheating. 

Alternatively, hire a PI.

[rainfall]

1 hour ago, Buffer said:

Hi and sorry you are going through this. First off how much information do you need. Just enough to satisfy yourself or a multi amount to prove beyond reasonable doubt? Things like a Private Inv costly but proof one way or another. You can as previously suggested have a VAR placed in his car. Can you get his phone and download a key pad tracker and recover his deleted messages and emails? 
No matter what way you go it is a crap 💩 journey. Best of luck and none of this is on you. Trust your feelings it is your sub conscious yelling at you something isn’t right. 
Buffer

I just need something to say without a doubt he’s cheating on me. Right now all I have is suspicious actions, and I don’t want to ruin my marriage over that. I don’t know his new password to his phone. We both got the new iPhones and just never even thought to tell the other. He didn’t know my password to my phone once for 9 months. Not because I was hiding anything but because it never came up: I’d leave my phone unlocked in front of him all the time. 

1 hour ago, assertives said:

You can get one from best buy or Amazon. I've read from here that Sony makes a good one. Google around for some recommendations, there are also youtube videos out there that shows people how to set up voice recording in the car. Be careful leaving behind any trails online (email receipts, or browsing history, etc) lest he catches wind that you are watching him. It'll only make him more careful if he's cheating. 

Alternatively, hire a PI.

We have separate computers Back from when I as in school and had time to play video games so it’ll all be bought from my computer with my “fun” money account. 
 

this girl I’m thinking of has absolutely nothing to offer him. She’s almost 30, no college education, makes barely above minimum wage, lives off welfare, lives in government housing, spends all her money drinking, has no car, and has basically admitted she’s fine with her current set up bc she hardly has to work at all and can get drunk every night. 
 

I just don’t see how that is attractive to anyone. 

[rainfall]

Well I messaged a pi firm. See how much that costs. I can’t go on like this anymore and he’ll never admit to anything so this is what it has to be. 

[Buffer]

Hi again young lady, do what you need to to so to feel you are safe in your relationship. Again if your sub conscious is triggering something isn’t right. 
Good luck 😉 
Buffer

[rainfall]

5 hours ago, Buffer said:

Hi again young lady, do what you need to to so to feel you are safe in your relationship. Again if your sub conscious is triggering something isn’t right. 
Good luck 😉 
Buffer

I’m going to wait outside the apartment of the girl I think he’s sleeping with today. There’s a good spot I can park in and wait. I’ll see if he’s going over there or not. 

[rainfall]

I hate this. Today he said he was still at work and I was close by so I thought I’d go check. He wasn’t there. I went by the place of the girl I think he’s with. He wasn’t there either. 
 

I asked him today if he was cheating and he said no, but I don’t believe a word he says anymore 

[S2B]

2 hours ago, rainfall said:

I hate this. Today he said he was still at work and I was close by so I thought I’d go check. He wasn’t there. I went by the place of the girl I think he’s with. He wasn’t there either. 
 

I asked him today if he was cheating and he said no, but I don’t believe a word he says anymore 

It’s likely not the gal you think it is.Who is he texting a lot? Have you seen his phone bill?

when he was away last weekend - what was his reason for the trip out of town? Who did he say he went with?

Edited February 18, 2020 by S2B

[Baman]

You could hire a bland car and wear a wig and just tail him... 

[elaine567]

6 hours ago, rainfall said:

I asked him today if he was cheating and he said no, but I don’t believe a word he says anymore 

Say nothing. If he thinks you are on to him he will just be extra careful and he will take no risks.
You want him to think you  believe he is not cheating, that way he will relax and then you will be able to catch him out.

 

6 hours ago, rainfall said:

I went by the place of the girl I think he’s with. He wasn’t there either

Was her car there?

[schlumpy]

Rainfall I would recommend you don't try to do this yourself. I don't think you have the personality for it and I'm increasingly concerned about your mental and emotional well being. The reason I say this is because you cannot keep yourself form confronting him whenever a scrap of information comes to you that seems like evidence that he is cheating. This will only make him more cautious and harder to apprehend if he is indeed having an affair. There is also the secondary danger that you are so focused and single minded about his guilt that you will ignore any evidence that points to his innocence. That would be equally as tragic.

You would be better served by hiring a Private investigator. You could try and reduce the cost by doing enough reconnaissance to give the PI a likely window in which to catch him. That way they are not sitting outside his workplace all day but only tailing him when it's likely he will be up to something.

 You can do some recon by installing a GPS on his car or having one installed. 

If he uses a home computer for messaging you can install a key logger program on the computer which will copy everything he types into it. That way you can get the passwords you need to raid his media accounts. If you are not computer savvy then get someone competent to do it. Keep in mind that if he is computer savvy he may find it.

Many phones have a GPS function. IF you can get his Phone and activate that function you can use as a tracking device. Again if you don't feel competent then you will need help.

You need an ally, a co-conspirator you can trust enough to bounce your ideas and feelings off of, so that they can keep you on the rails.

[SummerDreams]

To be honest the posts you make in this thread Rainfall make me uncomfortable. I see a woman who is scared that she will make a mistake and her husband will just leave her. If I were in your shoes and my H suddenly started going out so much and not caring about my feelings, I would sit him down to have a serious talk immediately. To be totally honest, my H understands there is something wrong the second he walks into the house, he feels my vibe so he would know something was bothering me but anyway. Have you spent your whole life with the fear your H might leave you? I see someone scared who doesn't want to express her feelings out of fear and this saddens me. Honestly him cheating would be something I would say could be a way out from this marriage that has you feeling this way. Not that I WANT him to be cheating, but it could be a wake up call for you. Shame that you let yourself being tortured like this. If a man wants to leave, let him leave. Our emotional health is way more important.

[rainfall]

13 hours ago, S2B said:

It’s likely not the gal you think it is.Who is he texting a lot? Have you seen his phone bill?

when he was away last weekend - what was his reason for the trip out of town? Who did he say he went with?

We are on the same phone bill so I can see who he texts and calls. There is one girl he texts waaaay more than he should. When he went away last weekend he said it was to see his best friend for his bf's birthday.

8 hours ago, Baman said:

You could hire a bland car and wear a wig and just tail him... 

I can really just follow him easily. I do delivery gig apps for my "fun" money and is he sees me I can easily say I was on a delivery. He has no way at all to prove I wasn't. It would only work once , but that's really all I need to catch him.

8 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Say nothing. If he thinks you are on to him he will just be extra careful and he will take no risks.
You want him to think you  believe he is not cheating, that way he will relax and then you will be able to catch him out.

 

Was her car there?

Yep I made it sounded like I believed him 100% and his car wasn't there , but he could have parked somewhere else close by and walked. She is broke and can't afford anything so she doesntt have a car so she couldn't have picked him up.  I plan to check there though every day when I am out and he says he is staying late at work. 

5 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Rainfall I would recommend you don't try to do this yourself. I don't think you have the personality for it and I'm increasingly concerned about your mental and emotional well being. The reason I say this is because you cannot keep yourself form confronting him whenever a scrap of information comes to you that seems like evidence that he is cheating. This will only make him more cautious and harder to apprehend if he is indeed having an affair. There is also the secondary danger that you are so focused and single minded about his guilt that you will ignore any evidence that points to his innocence. That would be equally as tragic.

You would be better served by hiring a Private investigator. You could try and reduce the cost by doing enough reconnaissance to give the PI a likely window in which to catch him. That way they are not sitting outside his workplace all day but only tailing him when it's likely he will be up to something.

 You can do some recon by installing a GPS on his car or having one installed. 

If he uses a home computer for messaging you can install a key logger program on the computer which will copy everything he types into it. That way you can get the passwords you need to raid his media accounts. If you are not computer savvy then get someone competent to do it. Keep in mind that if he is computer savvy he may find it.

Many phones have a GPS function. IF you can get his Phone and activate that function you can use as a tracking device. Again if you don't feel competent then you will need help.

You need an ally, a co-conspirator you can trust enough to bounce your ideas and feelings off of, so that they can keep you on the rails.

There really is nothing pointing to his innocence. Only thing is the past 19 and a half years he was an amazing man and I would have never thought he would cheat. Especially with someone as trashy and low class as this girl. My friend has already started planning our stack outs when he says he is going out at night.... the PI I talked to wasn't much help. All they could do was follow him after work and I can do that myself.

4 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

To be honest the posts you make in this thread Rainfall make me uncomfortable. I see a woman who is scared that she will make a mistake and her husband will just leave her. If I were in your shoes and my H suddenly started going out so much and not caring about my feelings, I would sit him down to have a serious talk immediately. To be totally honest, my H understands there is something wrong the second he walks into the house, he feels my vibe so he would know something was bothering me but anyway. Have you spent your whole life with the fear your H might leave you? I see someone scared who doesn't want to express her feelings out of fear and this saddens me. Honestly him cheating would be something I would say could be a way out from this marriage that has you feeling this way. Not that I WANT him to be cheating, but it could be a wake up call for you. Shame that you let yourself being tortured like this. If a man wants to leave, let him leave. Our emotional health is way more important.

I never have had this fear. We have never had an issue this bad. We have had fights, but I always knew it would be worked through. This is something different. If he wants to leave I don't see why he doesn't. I am not tying him down and he has every chance to leave. I plan to see where he goes when he leaves work today (assuming he "says" he is getting off late). I will catch him if he is cheating.

[S2B]

Can you tell what he was spending money on when he was away last weekend? Did it seems like appropriate spending for one person or two?

can you tell if his best friend posted anything acknowledging he was there and with him? 

[PerfectJab]

Regardless of what is going on he should be cognizant and empathetic towards the way you feel.

Have you had a conversation with him about this? Would suggest seeing what he is getting out of what he is doing and seeing if there is something that could be done that fits between the both of you. 

Either way, I don't think it's unreasonable to feel the way you do. Perhaps it's a matter of frequency and defining with your partner when said frequency bothers you. 

[schlumpy]

OK. I await your report. I hope it isn't bad news and I wish you well.