Author rainfall Posted February 22, 2020 Author Share Posted February 22, 2020 7 minutes ago, schlumpy said: Follow the evidence. Speculation won't get you anything except an anxiety attack. Oh I will. I just need that credit card statement to come. If I say anything now he might start throwing it away. So I’ll act like everything is fine for now. As much as it kills me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted February 22, 2020 Author Share Posted February 22, 2020 Well he went out tonight. Which again is within the 1-2 days we agreed on. And last time he was home early (compared to 3am).... so we will see how it goes. I’m trying really hard to trust him, because if I’m wrong then that could destroy us. But there is so many little things that just make me uncomfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Why don’t you go down to where he is and join him? As a surprise, ya know? Show up and have fun with him. pay attention to what’s happening when you arrive... Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted February 22, 2020 Author Share Posted February 22, 2020 7 minutes ago, S2B said: Why don’t you go down to where he is and join him? As a surprise, ya know? Show up and have fun with him. pay attention to what’s happening when you arrive... I would love to but I have to get up in 6 hours for work and only slept 2 hours last night. (Sick dog , hurt back, and stress) so I need to get at least 5 hours of sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day and I need to be on my a game because I’ve been slacking so much because of this. if it was tomorrow night I’d be there because I’m off Sunday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 So you have a sick dog and issues at home and he leaves? He could be home helping and being supportive of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted February 22, 2020 Author Share Posted February 22, 2020 40 minutes ago, S2B said: So you have a sick dog and issues at home and he leaves? He could be home helping and being supportive of you. He hates doing anything Heath related with the animals. He’s afraid he’ll mess it up. He feeds them, takes them out to potty, cleans up any messes. He just says that I’m the vet so health related issues are all me because he doesn’t want to hurt one of them when I’m 100 times better at that thing. and yeah it’s annoying that he left, but I think we are going to have to fine tune our agreement. If he sticks to the 2 day a week I’ll probably bring up some other things: Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Here's what I think happened: Your husband did go to see his friend ... for a bit but wasn't with him the whole weekend. This woman also went to this town, and in a pre-planned move, "accidentally" ran into them. I'll bet $ she & your husband hooked up there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted February 23, 2020 Author Share Posted February 23, 2020 13 hours ago, Crazelnut said: Here's what I think happened: Your husband did go to see his friend ... for a bit but wasn't with him the whole weekend. This woman also went to this town, and in a pre-planned move, "accidentally" ran into them. I'll bet $ she & your husband hooked up there. She doesn’t have a car. She’s straight up trash. She does nothing and says she doesn’t have to find a better paying job because she gets her welfare every month and something about the government pays for her housing. Whatever that means... Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 Was he home at a reasonable time last night? What about tonight - is he home with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted February 23, 2020 Author Share Posted February 23, 2020 12 hours ago, S2B said: Was he home at a reasonable time last night? What about tonight - is he home with you? Idk what time he got home because I had to go to sleep since I worked the next day. I just know he was home at 3 when I got up because I had to pee. He didn’t go out last night we had a nice dinner and hung out a bit. I went to bed early (well tried) because this is still killing me. I woke up probably 10 times and he was just playing a video game. So last week he stuck to our 2 night agreement. I’m just not sure if I’ll ever trust him again and what’s sad is I could be making this all up and ruining things over nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 1 hour ago, rainfall said: I’m just not sure if I’ll ever trust him again and what’s sad is I could be making this all up and ruining things over nothing. That's what you need to avoid. Check the emotions at the door. Do whatever it is you have to do to discover what it is you need to know so that you can satisfy your suspicions one way or another. Then you either go back to your happy life or other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted February 23, 2020 Author Share Posted February 23, 2020 1 hour ago, schlumpy said: That's what you need to avoid. Check the emotions at the door. Do whatever it is you have to do to discover what it is you need to know so that you can satisfy your suspicions one way or another. Then you either go back to your happy life or other. I want to I just don’t know how to get past this. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 Well first you need to gather more information. check for evidence. Hire a PI if needed. You need to get evidence or rule things out. i would go that route - get more info. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted February 24, 2020 Author Share Posted February 24, 2020 1 hour ago, S2B said: Well first you need to gather more information. check for evidence. Hire a PI if needed. You need to get evidence or rule things out. i would go that route - get more info. I have ideas. I’m talking with a pi it’s just a lot of money that I wasn’t expecting to spend. Not ok this. I’m gathering info myself. Although part of my things this is all his sick and twisted way of being an a hole. I basically accused him of cheating and he got super pissed and weird. Little things started happening after which made me wonder if he was testing me when I said I trusted him and believe him. And I did until I came here. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 pay to find out. It’s worth it. I’m a super sleuth - but most people aren’t. heck, you could have a VAR all this time. You could have a $100 camera in the house so you could see what he does while you are at work. But you haven’t. you could have tried getting loads of info from his phone and computer. He could have been followed on his trip - that was a lost opportunity too. so just pay... because you need some peace of mind. don't drink - you need a clear mind. I say that from experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 OP, stop the hand-wringing and drama and FIND OUT. Why haven't you placed a VAR yet? Or followed him? Or followed her? Or gotten a friend to do it. Also, you need to take "asking him" and "talking to him about it" off the table, because he WILL NOT ADMIT if he's having an affair. It only makes him more careful if he is. And if he's not, it's bad news for your marriage. I agree with poster above -- stop drinking. You need to stay clear headed and calm to get the info you need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 Yeah I get the feeling the OP is purposely postponing her finding out the truth and it's totally understandable. If she REALLY wanted to have found out, she would have moved mountains to do so. She is just waiting for the credit card paper to be delivered to her, she will look at it, she won't see anything weird and she will remain rested that nothing is going on. It seems she is not ready to learn the truth, whichever it is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 I am not sure what the credit card bill will show. If he is at all clever he will have put nothing on his credit card bill that could be seen as "proof". Yes there are cheaters who are basically stupid and cheaters who are so arrogant they never think they will be caught, but many cheaters are very good at covering tracks. He already knows rainfall is on to him, he is going to be extremely careful now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 22 hours ago, rainfall said: I’m just not sure if I’ll ever trust him again and what’s sad is I could be making this all up and ruining things over nothing. What you are NOT making up is the fact that he was spending WAY too much time out drinking at night. He willingly agreed to cut back, which indicates that he KNOWS he was wrong. I have two suggestions for you: Number one, you need to learn to act out of character just slightly. It seems like he picks these nights to go out when you work the next day because he KNOWS you would never follow him or show up out of the blue. Therefore, next time he goes out on a night when you work the next day, make the decision to show up unannounced to observe him from a distance for a little while. Maybe you can take a nap to catch up on some sleep when he is not at home to prepare yourself? Number two, it would help if you could learn to compartmentalize. It will save your sanity, your job, and maybe even your marriage. Twenty five years ago, when I had three young children, a stressful bread-winning job, and the knowledge my husband was having an affair with my best friend, I had to compartmentalize or I would have gone insane. To this day, when I am at work, that is my number one priority and my brain does not sway from my task at hand. I'm going through some pretty stressful stuff right now. My co-workers know about it and wonder how I can be so calm and collected while life around me seems to be imploding. It's both a gift and a curse, but it's something that would help you cope, right now. There was a third suggestion, but I've forgotten it already (the downside of compartmentalization is when you "file" something away so deep that you cannot even remember what you were thinking about only moments before. 😬) Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 If he’s causing you that much grief then simply tell him to move out. a change in YOUR behavior causes change in his behavior. by drawing that line in the sand - he will get a clear message that you don’t intend to have a life partner who leaves you all the time to pursue other interests. if he doesn’t plan to be a full on partner to you - and that’s what you need/want - then tell him to move out. that will get his attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted February 24, 2020 Author Share Posted February 24, 2020 5 hours ago, SummerDreams said: Yeah I get the feeling the OP is purposely postponing her finding out the truth and it's totally understandable. If she REALLY wanted to have found out, she would have moved mountains to do so. She is just waiting for the credit card paper to be delivered to her, she will look at it, she won't see anything weird and she will remain rested that nothing is going on. It seems she is not ready to learn the truth, whichever it is. Please let me know what to do to find out. There’s nothing on our joint account, his computer, etc. all I can do is hire a pi at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 1 minute ago, rainfall said: Please let me know what to do to find out. There’s nothing on our joint account, his computer, etc. all I can do is hire a pi at this point. How often does he use the computer? You can install a keylogger program to capture every keystroke. Even if he deletes emails, etc., the keylogger will keep track of his activity online. Also, if he uses the computer to login to his email, social media, and cellphone accounts, it will capture his passwords. You can then login to those accounts to see who he calls most often, who he is messaging on social media and email, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted February 24, 2020 Author Share Posted February 24, 2020 1 hour ago, vla1120 said: How often does he use the computer? You can install a keylogger program to capture every keystroke. Even if he deletes emails, etc., the keylogger will keep track of his activity online. Also, if he uses the computer to login to his email, social media, and cellphone accounts, it will capture his passwords. You can then login to those accounts to see who he calls most often, who he is messaging on social media and email, etc. I have no idea how to even do that. Is it easy to do? I’m thinking the pi route is best tbh. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 29, 2020 Share Posted February 29, 2020 How you doing, rainfall? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 29, 2020 Share Posted February 29, 2020 (edited) What’s the update rainfall? Hope you are ok! Edited February 29, 2020 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
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