Am I overreacting - is he cheating?

[rainfall]

13 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

 

So you're having sex before he goes out... or what, at 4 am something before you prepare for work? THAT is a bad routine. Why are you doing that? That sounds more like ongoing quickies. No real intimacy or time for loving. Sorry but it doesn't look like neither of you is IN LOVE with one another.

Have you ever heard of the term "hall pass"? Its very existance is because married couples don't just do whatever they feel like whenever. I'm not discussing your arrangement, as every couple is entitled to their own arrangement. But just be aware that your view is not common among married couples. So you saying "I'm not his mother" would sound odd to most. You have your own idea of relationship, that is in a minority spectrum. Therefore, applying common sense and what anybody would do in your place is odd to me at this point, because most people wouldn't have this kind of arrangement during marriage.

He only reduced time out because you kept asking for it, not out of his own will. You expressed concern in multiple posts about how unhealthy that is (he was spending up to 7 hours per 3 or 4 times a week drinking in a bar). A constant heavy drinking habit when you're a certain age is going to take its toll pretty soon. Have him get a blood test especially regarding his liver state. You'll be the one who will have to take care of his health issues. And if his alcohol levels are out of range, you might be alone facing expenses, with no insurance support. One fine morning, after he's been out all night drinking, you take him to take the blood test in the morning. And then see what happens. You're not his mother, but you're his wife.

You think she's sad. I didn't get that. She's in her 20s. I'm not sure why she gets state money. There's a chance she's lying to you and your husband is supporting her. What does a 20ish year old girl have to offer? Youth! Joy for life! Great stamina. Peachy skin. Should I go on?

You still have 25% of the time you don't know anything about. Also, he might be with friends untill 10 or 11 pm and then have time alone with someone else. If you have sex with him after his night out, you would know if he already had sex. I trust you'd be able to figure it out. The amount of sperm would diminish greatly. Start having sex every morning after his night out and you'll soon figure it out. He might just make an excuse and turn it down. Or pretend he's asleep. Or he might have issues performing. Check out for those signs.

At times, two people just take separate ways and marriage falls apart. Other times, two people can live their own lives and still stay in the marriage. But your level of unsatisfaction seems to have hit the fan.

Pretend you can't remember your passcode and can't access your phone, and you ask him for his phone to check out something online. If he gives it to you without a problem, fine. If he starts being fussy, that's your clue something fishy's going on. It doesn't take much really.

You have apparent signs.

He can leave work early and come home later. Or he can take the day off. But this guy's really blunt. He's not coming home to sleep on a regular basis.

Sorry you feel that way and still holding on like that.

He might do something stupid, but if he's smart enough, he's not using his credit card. This is how it works. He gets money at ATM. And then saves up over time, so that you don't suspect anything's different. He can either pay everything cash, or get one of those credit cards you get at the store and putting money in. Those credit cards are great to make reservations. You knew where he was staying. You can call up all the hotels there and say you're Mrs XXX. "My husband and I stayed on the night of.... but I can't find the hotel bill anymore. I guess we left it in a café on the way home. Can you please email it to me? If they said they emailed it already to another address, just say: oh, no, I guess it just went to spam there. You might be lucky and get the hotel bill. If he claimed he stayed at the friend's house, try it anyway. If you come up with a bill in his name, then that's your clue. There's a chance he put the bill in her name, but maybe not if he made the reservation.

When did I say we were having quickies? I think I said he hasn’t been going out as much since we talked. We’ve never had sex before I’ve gone to work bc he is asleep. Yes we have the occasional quickie, but it would be exhausting to expect every time we have sex to be drawn out and 2 hours long. I don’t know who has time or energy to do that 5 times a week. 
 

I would personally hate having to ask his permission to go to a concert or out with a friend. We aren’t each other’s bosses and I don’t know who could live like that and be happy. And how would I have no insurance exactly? We have insurance through my job and it’s actually pretty amazing insurance so I think I’m ok there. 
 

The 20 something trash girl has nothing to offer him. She barely makes minimum wage, has no education, no plans to get an education, no car, lives off welfare... and no my husband isn’t supporting her. That I would know about. She’s just a sad and pathetic little girl who needs to back off my husband. 
 

im not exactly sure why it’s a bad thing he stopped going out as much when I told him I didn’t like it. It shows he at least is willing to work on things. We both have things to work on snd if he is sleeping with this nasty trash girl I will find out. I’m not worried about that. I have my ways. I’m fine with him going out on occasion with friends and I don’t see how anyone thinks they should have to ask their SO permission to go out one night a week. That sounds like prison not a marriage 

[rainfall]

47 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

 

At times, two people just take separate ways and marriage falls apart. Other times, two people can live their own lives and still stay in the marriage. But your level of unsatisfaction seems to have hit the fan.

 

He can leave work early and come home later. Or he can take the day off. But this guy's really blunt. He's not coming home to sleep on a regular basis.

We both have things we need to work on in our marriage and we are both doing that. Assuming there is no cheating going on I feel things are moving in the right direction. And he’s never not come home to sleep. He always comes home after going out. Also he’s not able to leave work early or just take the day off since he’s the only one there in charge. Plus I drive by there on my way home every day and it’s 5 minutes from our place. Very easy to check up on him if I need to. 

[justwhoiam]

52 minutes ago, rainfall said:

I think I said he hasn’t been going out as much since we talked.

Before the new arrangement. The way you are turning things upside down is quite exhausting. He was going out 3-4 times a week, at times even 5 times a week by your own admission. You said you have sex with him like 4 times a week. So it seems obvious to me that you were doing it either before he was going out at night or early in the morning before you went to work. Now, getting the latter option out of the way, it means you were doing it before he was going out. And I can't figure out how that wouldn't be a quickie. Not that you're taking time to be together or very romantic. The times he stays at home, he spends the night in his game room. What did you do for Valentine's day/night?

Quote

And how would I have no insurance exactly? We have insurance through my job and it’s actually pretty amazing insurance so I think I’m ok there.

That's not what I said. I said that if they find certain alcohol levels in his blood, insurance coverage might go down the toilet. I know someone's son was drinking every night, until one night he dropped unconscious, alcohol in his blood indicated alcoholism and they had to take him to rehab. But insurance wouldn't cover the whole cost, and the father had to pay $10,000 for just 30 days. Just saying. If health issues are caused by substance abuse, expenses might not be covered. That's what I was saying. So check what your insurance covers regarding any health issue or condition caused by alcohol or other substances.

Quote

The 20 something trash girl has nothing to offer him. She barely makes minimum wage, has no education, no plans to get an education, no car, lives off welfare... and no my husband isn’t supporting her. That I would know about.

How would you know? Anyway, I don't think a man is attracted to a woman because of how much she makes or depending on the education she got. You're misled. It's more about chemistry and how "high" the man feels with her. Ever heard the expression being on cloud nine? You get the picture. Or it might be more physical, like a nice body or appealing features. Who knows.

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I don’t see how anyone thinks they should have to ask their SO permission to go out one night a week.

Are you so in denial? He was going out 4 nights a week (nights to himself). Coming home at 3 am over and over again for months. He's sleeping out. Has weekends by himself out of towns (trips). And all that you're content about is agreeing to a weekend a month with your husband?

Edited March 2, 2020 by justwhoiam

[justwhoiam]

P.S. Ok, he's always coming home every night. I guess I was misled when you said you went check if he was around that girl's house. But that was during the day I suppose.

[justwhoiam]

P.P.S. Stop drinking and smoking. I guess I'd rather spend the PI money on body treatments to relax, like at a spa 🙂

[rainfall]

2 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

Before the new arrangement. The way you are turning things upside down is quite exhausting. He was going out 3-4 times a week, at times even 5 times a week by your own admission. You said you have sex with him like 4 times a week. So it seems obvious to me that you were doing it either before he was going out at night or early in the morning before you went to work. Now, getting the latter option out of the way, it means you were doing it before he was going out. And I can't figure out how that wouldn't be a quickie. Not that you're taking time to be together or very romantic. The times he stays at home, he spends the night in his game room. What did you do for Valentine's day/night?

That's not what I said. I said that if they find certain alcohol levels in his blood, insurance coverage might go down the toilet. I know someone's son was drinking every night, until one night he dropped unconscious, alcohol in his blood indicated alcoholism and they had to take him to rehab. But insurance wouldn't cover the whole cost, and the father had to pay $10,000 for just 30 days. Just saying. If health issues are caused by substance abuse, expenses might not be covered. That's what I was saying. So check what your insurance covers regarding any health issue or condition caused by alcohol or other substances.

How would you know? Anyway, I don't think a man is attracted to a woman because of how much she makes or depending on the education she got. You're misled. It's more about chemistry and how "high" the man feels with her. Ever heard the expression being on cloud nine? You get the picture. Or it might be more physical, like a nice body or appealing features. Who knows.

Are you so in denial? He was going out 4 nights a week (nights to himself). Coming home at 3 am over and over again for months. He's sleeping out. Has weekends by himself out of towns (trips). And all that you're content about is agreeing to a weekend a month with your husband?

We did nothing on Valentine’s Day Because I hate Valentine’s Day and never have done anything for it. We would have sex when he got home. Sex doesn’t have to be a 1-2 hour long ordeal every time. That’s exhausting and not realistic. And we are spending time together every night now. I’m ok with him going out once a week. I’m not his mother or his boss. He’s allowed to go out and have friends. I can’t imagine being with someone so controlling that I have to ask permission to go to a friends house or out to dinner with people. 
 

And this girl has no appealing features. She’s probably one of the most unattractive people I’ve ever seen and her entitled attitude is someone’s he’s always been turned off by. He hates people who can work more, but instead are lazy and just collect welfare. 
 

and now that we’ve talked he’s not going out as much. There is more to our issue than just him going out. There were things I was doing that he was unhappy with as well. We are both working on those things. Tonight his friends asked him to go out, and he turned them down because we were spending time together. 

[rainfall]

1 hour ago, justwhoiam said:

P.S. Ok, he's always coming home every night. I guess I was misled when you said you went check if he was around that girl's house. But that was during the day I suppose.

Yep there’s not been one night when he didn’t come home. I’m not going to wake up at 1 in the morning to go drive to the ghetto to see if he’s there. That’s where the pi will come in if I decide to go that way. 

[rainfall]

2 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

P.P.S. Stop drinking and smoking. I guess I'd rather spend the PI money on body treatments to relax, like at a spa 🙂

I relax with concerts and tattoos. Although those aren’t till this summer. And thankfully I don’t have to ask permission to go to concerts. I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I have to ask if I can spend my own money to go to a concert or multiple concerts. 
 

if that’s what relationships are like now, I really hope he’s not cheating and we both work on the issues we were unhappy with and things keep improving. 
 

I had no idea that I was doing certain things that made him unhappy and I think part of that is what lead to him going out so much. (Not all but some) so we are both working on our own things and hopefully there’s no cheating and things will be back to normal soon. 
 

Edited March 2, 2020 by rainfall

[assertives]

Rainfall, I personally feel you should take what others say on this forum with a pinch of salt. You know your own husband and you know what your marriage is like. I would hate for you to go from 100% trusting your husband and feeling secure in your marriage to doubting his every move because of some seeds of doubt planted in you (albeit out of goodwill) by what you read on here based on others' own personal experiences.

Perhaps you should take a few steps back, regroup and evaluate the situation objectively. I get the impression you are all over the place and getting pulled into different directions at the stuff people are telling you. Trust your gut, gather your wits and put in abit more thought before taking the next step. You may gain abit more clarity on what you feel you need to do next.

A public forum like this may be good in getting unbiased outside opinions, but can sometimes also cause more confusion than help, so feel free to stay away for abit if you feel posting/reading on here is starting to get overwhelming for you.

[rainfall]

17 hours ago, assertives said:

Rainfall, I personally feel you should take what others say on this forum with a pinch of salt. You know your own husband and you know what your marriage is like. I would hate for you to go from 100% trusting your husband and feeling secure in your marriage to doubting his every move because of some seeds of doubt planted in you (albeit out of goodwill) by what you read on here based on others' own personal experiences.

Perhaps you should take a few steps back, regroup and evaluate the situation objectively. I get the impression you are all over the place and getting pulled into different directions at the stuff people are telling you. Trust your gut, gather your wits and put in abit more thought before taking the next step. You may gain abit more clarity on what you feel you need to do next.

A public forum like this may be good in getting unbiased outside opinions, but can sometimes also cause more confusion than help, so feel free to stay away for abit if you feel posting/reading on here is starting to get overwhelming for you.

Everything is overwhelming for me. I don’t trust him at all and it’s driving me crazy. He’s acting so sweet and everything is going great between us. I just don’t trust him at all anymore. 
 

All the sketchy stuff I’ve found snooping could mean he’s cheating or it could mean nothing and I hate not knowing. 

Edited March 2, 2020 by rainfall

[S2B]

Are you laying off the sauce Rainfall? You need to stay clear headed throughout this.

[rainfall]

23 minutes ago, S2B said:

Are you laying off the sauce Rainfall? You need to stay clear headed throughout this.

I’ve always had insomnia. This has made it worse. So I’m taking my prescription meds and added some otc sleep aids to help me sleep. 
 

nothing was on the credit card bill (hotel wise). There were some expensive restaurant purchases, but I do know that those two take turns buying dinner when they hang out. It’s hard to say if it was the two of them or him and the skank. My recorder should arrive next week. There was some delay in shipping, but the pi says she can start whenever. I just need to give her a 2 days notice. I hate everything about this. I would give anything for things to just go back to normal and this is just a bad memory.

[SummerDreams]

52 minutes ago, rainfall said:

I would give anything for things to just go back to normal and this is just a bad memory.

It's not normal to not trust your H and not be able to talk to him when you are worried about something and be sure he will be honest. 

At the moment you are driving a broken car and you don't hear us saying that the car needs fixing, you just insist on arriving to this destination you want to go to and you don't care for the rest.

Even when you arrive there safely, the car will still be broken.

[rainfall]

6 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

It's not normal to not trust your H and not be able to talk to him when you are worried about something and be sure he will be honest. 

At the moment you are driving a broken car and you don't hear us saying that the car needs fixing, you just insist on arriving to this destination you want to go to and you don't care for the rest.

Even when you arrive there safely, the car will still be broken.

Again the problem is I found everything I know by snooping. I’m not sure how to bring these things up. Everything that is open information I’ve discussed with him. 

[JTSW]

You're a married couple and should be able to talk about anything.

You have every right to demand answers.

[SummerDreams]

36 minutes ago, rainfall said:

Again the problem is I found everything I know by snooping. I’m not sure how to bring these things up. Everything that is open information I’ve discussed with him. 

The very fact that he made you go snooping to find out  the truth is THE problem. The very fact that you can't tell him that you had to go snooping to find out the truth is THE problem. If he has not cheated, it doesn't make your problems go away but maybe you don't / can't see it because not all people are aware of what a trustworthy, stable relationship means so they are happy with something mediocre. I'm not excluding myself, my relationship with my H isn't perfect by any means. But here we are talking about you and your relationship with your H. We are seeing something that needs to be fixed and we are telling you but you refuse to see it. It's no wonder this thread has gone on for weeks now.

[vla1120]

On 3/1/2020 at 1:38 PM, preraph said:

I bet what would make it go away real quick as if you showed up every single time and just bit the bullet for a while. I know that's a huge sacrifice. and you would also have to tell him you want to leave earlier and not leave him there alone. You have to tell him you want to ride there with him and leave with him and then you would prod him to leave earlier. 

THIS!!!!!

[vla1120]

It is good that you didn't find anything truly incriminating on his credit card bill. The fact that he did not feel the need to hide it from you to begin with, also bodes well. 

You need to take good care of yourself and be your own best friend right now.  Try to stop speculating and wait until the PI gives you definitive answers, one way or another. Let's say he is not having a full blown affair, but is enjoying the attention he gets from the woman you've described. This could be stopped in its tracks by you going out with your husband when he gathers with these friends. Shine a light on that whole scenario with your presence.

Meanwhile, try to relax. You are taking steps to put your mind at ease. Once you find out the truth, THEN you have decisions to make. Remember, when you first came out here, you were certain that he would not cheat on you. For your own sanity, try to keep that mindset unless/until proven otherwise. 

[rainfall]

Well thanks to this dumb girl I have enough evidence to say something to him tonight. She ordered him a gift from amazon and there is no reason at all for her to be ordering him gifts. So EVERYTHING that I know is coming out tonight when he gets home. He really seems clueless about the gift. I asked him what he wanted me to do with the stuff he ordered. He said he  didn't order anything and put it inside and he would take a look at it when he got home. When I got it in I noticed a gift receipt and scanned it to see who it was from. He will act clueless , but I am going to bring up every little thing. So I guess at least I will save money on the PI if nothing else....

 

[rainfall]

He’s such a lying piece of trash. As far as I’m concerned we are done. I have to save up money to leave him, but hopefully if I work my butt off with all my gig jobs and pick up extra shifts at my real job I can get out by mid summer. 
 

also since we are over in my mind I’m going to go ahead and take that hot bartender up on his offer to hang out. I’m so over him and his pathetic life. He’ll wake up one day and realize he has nothing but a crap job and the only way he was able to get ahead was because I make so much more than him. So thankful for our prenup... I get the dogs and the cat. He can have everything else. I don’t want or need a reminder of how I wasted my entire life on a man who never really loved me. 
 

with that being said, I’m off tomorrow so I’m going to go out with my newly single friend and see what we can get into. He can have his welfare trash girl and they can live in the ghetto and never be able to retire. I plan to let his family know he cheated because his dad always said If he ever cheated on me he would cut him out of the will. I believe him 100% because they adore me and if I let them know who he cheated on me with they will both be shunned forever. 
 

guess I got the proof I needed. Gonna work on getting my payback now. I’m not going to do anything illegal, but I’m going to make sure his life is over 100%. I know enough about shady stuff he’s done at his job over the years to get him fired so I think that will be my parting gift to him when I leave. 

[Baman]

Hey @rainfall  Was the gift the evidence then? In that he fessed up or you assuming (based on circumstance of the gift) that he 100% has cheated?

And if he has, yep, you have the right to leave of course.

I would suggest a deep breath or 10 before doing anything to wreck his life. You are no doubt real real angry. Don't be in a rush to do do anything including the hot bartender. Not yet. 

The best punishment you can give is to live your best life. Try not to spend to much energy in vindictiveness.

My ex spent 15 years trying to hurt me and in the process has wrecked her own physical and mental health.

[vla1120]

16 hours ago, rainfall said:

Well thanks to this dumb girl I have enough evidence to say something to him tonight. She ordered him a gift from amazon and there is no reason at all for her to be ordering him gifts. So EVERYTHING that I know is coming out tonight when he gets home. He really seems clueless about the gift. I asked him what he wanted me to do with the stuff he ordered. He said he  didn't order anything and put it inside and he would take a look at it when he got home. When I got it in I noticed a gift receipt and scanned it to see who it was from. He will act clueless , but I am going to bring up every little thing. So I guess at least I will save money on the PI if nothing else....

 

Before I answer your post right after you posted this, I have questions:

1. Are you saying SHE purchased a gift for him and had it delivered to YOUR residence? You've described this woman as a real piece of work (okay, trash.) Are you positive this is not something she might have done to get under your skin and help destroy your marriage? As diabolical as that sounds, it makes no sense to me that this woman would send a gift to him at your home, unless her motive was to purposefully do damage to your marriage. 

2. What did he say when you confronted him? You know him best. Was he "acting" clueless, or was he really clueless about this? Did he say anything against her ? Did he try to defend her? Did he deny an affair? Did he admit to anything - like perhaps getting having an emotional affair?

I really want you to analyze her motive, here. If she was already having an affair with your husband and was getting what she wanted, what is her incentive to send him a gift to your home with the knowledge that you would most likely see the gift? When you think about it from that perspective, I wonder if this was her trashy way of trying to move in on a man who had spurned her advances. If she cared about him, she certainly wouldn't jeopardize her relationship with him by blowing up his marriage. She has to know that, with most men, that would be the end of their relationship, if there was one. So, what did she hope to gain by this?

Now I am going to respond to your second post.

[vla1120]

14 hours ago, rainfall said:

He’s such a lying piece of trash. As far as I’m concerned we are done. I have to save up money to leave him, but hopefully if I work my butt off with all my gig jobs and pick up extra shifts at my real job I can get out by mid summer. 
 

also since we are over in my mind I’m going to go ahead and take that hot bartender up on his offer to hang out. I’m so over him and his pathetic life. He’ll wake up one day and realize he has nothing but a crap job and the only way he was able to get ahead was because I make so much more than him. So thankful for our prenup... I get the dogs and the cat. He can have everything else. I don’t want or need a reminder of how I wasted my entire life on a man who never really loved me. 
 

with that being said, I’m off tomorrow so I’m going to go out with my newly single friend and see what we can get into. He can have his welfare trash girl and they can live in the ghetto and never be able to retire. I plan to let his family know he cheated because his dad always said If he ever cheated on me he would cut him out of the will. I believe him 100% because they adore me and if I let them know who he cheated on me with they will both be shunned forever. 
 

guess I got the proof I needed. Gonna work on getting my payback now. I’m not going to do anything illegal, but I’m going to make sure his life is over 100%. I know enough about shady stuff he’s done at his job over the years to get him fired so I think that will be my parting gift to him when I leave. 

These are all words spoken out of anger, understandably. Take a deep breath. CLEARLY, something inappropriate did happen and it could range anywhere from flirtation to an emotional affair to a full out physical affair where he told her he loved her but wouldn't leave his wife, so she decided to blow up your marriage.

Did he deny, deny, deny? What was his reasoning for this woman sending him a gift to your home? When you reacted in anger, what was his reaction? Did he proclaim his undying love for you and his willingness to save your marriage? 

Cheating, understandably, is a deal-breaker for many (it was for me...eventually.) I just want to make sure you have ALL the facts before you get him fired and put him out on the street. 

I also advise against adding another human being to this mix right now. The hot bartender will still be there when all of this is settled. Give yourself a little time to absorb and adjust to this new information. LISTEN to your husband, maybe go to marriage counseling to get to the bottom of the issue, THEN you can take action with a clear head. 

One last thing, you mentioned his father said he would cut him out of the will if he ever cheated on you. Did his father believe he had the propensity to cheat all along? That's just a strange proclamation for a father to make about his son. 

I am sorry you are in this spot. You have said from your first post that you didn't think he would ever cheat on you, but you also said if he did, that would be the end. So, #1 - make sure he really DID cheat on you. #2 - You are a strong, intelligent woman and will get through this, but you need to keep a hold of your emotions and not react out of anger. Talk all of this through with your trusted friend. Keep us posted on how you are doing, Rainfall.

[rainfall]

6 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Before I answer your post right after you posted this, I have questions:

1. Are you saying SHE purchased a gift for him and had it delivered to YOUR residence? You've described this woman as a real piece of work (okay, trash.) Are you positive this is not something she might have done to get under your skin and help destroy your marriage? As diabolical as that sounds, it makes no sense to me that this woman would send a gift to him at your home, unless her motive was to purposefully do damage to your marriage. 

2. What did he say when you confronted him? You know him best. Was he "acting" clueless, or was he really clueless about this? Did he say anything against her ? Did he try to defend her? Did he deny an affair? Did he admit to anything - like perhaps getting having an emotional affair?

I really want you to analyze her motive, here. If she was already having an affair with your husband and was getting what she wanted, what is her incentive to send him a gift to your home with the knowledge that you would most likely see the gift? When you think about it from that perspective, I wonder if this was her trashy way of trying to move in on a man who had spurned her advances. If she cared about him, she certainly wouldn't jeopardize her relationship with him by blowing up his marriage. She has to know that, with most men, that would be the end of their relationship, if there was one. So, what did she hope to gain by this?

Now I am going to respond to your second post.

1. Yep she bought him a gift and he seemed truly shocked about it. He claims he had no idea she as going to get him this. It could be something she is doing to destroy us. I have noticed on the text logs she sends 3-4 for every one he sends. So she is defiantly after him. My problem is I do not know if he is after her.

2. He said that she told him she was getting him a gift for his birthday. He told her no don't get me anything and this thing showed up. He talks bad about her all the time and how she wastes her money on stupid things, when she is on welfare and can barley afford to feed herself. He claims nothing is going on between them, but at this point I don't know if I believe him. I know he knows I am upset about something. He keeps asking me why I am losing so much weight. At this point his going out has been fixed. The other night all of his little group went out and he said he didn't want to go because he was enjoying spending time with me.  I am thinking she either wants their affair (assuming there is one) to come out so we will divorce or she is after him. He is kinda clueless when it comes to chicks hitting on him so IDK.....he is clueless but not THIS clueless.

5 hours ago, vla1120 said:

These are all words spoken out of anger, understandably. Take a deep breath. CLEARLY, something inappropriate did happen and it could range anywhere from flirtation to an emotional affair to a full out physical affair where he told her he loved her but wouldn't leave his wife, so she decided to blow up your marriage.

Did he deny, deny, deny? What was his reasoning for this woman sending him a gift to your home? When you reacted in anger, what was his reaction? Did he proclaim his undying love for you and his willingness to save your marriage? 

Cheating, understandably, is a deal-breaker for many (it was for me...eventually.) I just want to make sure you have ALL the facts before you get him fired and put him out on the street. 

I also advise against adding another human being to this mix right now. The hot bartender will still be there when all of this is settled. Give yourself a little time to absorb and adjust to this new information. LISTEN to your husband, maybe go to marriage counseling to get to the bottom of the issue, THEN you can take action with a clear head. 

One last thing, you mentioned his father said he would cut him out of the will if he ever cheated on you. Did his father believe he had the propensity to cheat all along? That's just a strange proclamation for a father to make about his son. 

I am sorry you are in this spot. You have said from your first post that you didn't think he would ever cheat on you, but you also said if he did, that would be the end. So, #1 - make sure he really DID cheat on you. #2 - You are a strong, intelligent woman and will get through this, but you need to keep a hold of your emotions and not react out of anger. Talk all of this through with your trusted friend. Keep us posted on how you are doing, Rainfall.

His dad said it as a joke one day. His sister's husband cheated on her and we were all talking about it. He said, "Jessica you are lucky it wasn't you that cheated you would be out of the will". Then he looked at my husband and said sames goes for you if you ever cheat. His first wife cheated on him so he HATES cheaters with a passion.  I don't know what to think. He is saying and doing everything to be a great husband. It is just that I don't trust him after everything that has happened so every little thing to me is a sign of cheating. I plan to ask him tonight what exactly is going on with the two of them. I was so mad last night that I figured I didn't want to go to prison so I would wait a day to talk to him more.

[RedOlive]

How does she know your home address? Seems mighty inappropriate for your husband to give her that information and then act "clueless" about the gift.