Am I overreacting - is he cheating?

[rainfall]

11 hours ago, S2B said:

If he got mad... that’s odd. People mainly get mad when they are defensive - so what’s he hiding? No need to get mad when you’re innocent...

and ask him to end that relationship. If he has such a great need to continue then that means you need to end your relationship with him.

healthy marriages - friends are friends of the marriage... and if they aren’t then they are out! He either chooses the marriage or a skanky gal who’s distracting him from his marriage - that’s all you need to tell him.

i would never be married to a guy who needs to go out several times a week to a bar. Why does he need to go there? Once a week during football season - ok. But every week all year long - for what? Drinking all night can’t be good for his health. It’s expensive. Doesn’t he have any productive hobbies? 
 

what kind of job does he work where he has enough energy at the end of a day to go out drinking all night?

 

He got mad bc he said I was accusing him of cheating. He says he would never do that. He’s been a lot better about not going out. It’s gone from 3-4 times a week to 1. He’s turned down invitations to go out. We’ve actually been spending more time together lately, but I still just have the feeling that he cheated, but I don’t know how to prove it. He’ll never admit it and if he didn’t I want to give this a try. 
 

he’s making an effort with the going out. Part of me says cheating, part says midlife crisis, and part says clueless jerk. Idk which it is, but I don’t want to end my marriage over the last two. 

[preraph]

This all sounds very midlife crisis-y. Being around the young folks makes him feel young and it can certainly lead to trouble.  He might just not deliberately go out and cheat but if he gets an emotional attachment to someone I bet he wouldn't be able to control it. and having some young woman acting like they're after you is very flattering although when that young woman works for you it's usually because she just wants to climb and uses him to do it through flattery.

[rainfall]

3 minutes ago, preraph said:

This all sounds very midlife crisis-y. Being around the young folks makes him feel young and it can certainly lead to trouble.  He might just not deliberately go out and cheat but if he gets an emotional attachment to someone I bet he wouldn't be able to control it. and having some young woman acting like they're after you is very flattering although when that young woman works for you it's usually because she just wants to climb and uses him to do it through flattery.

This is exactly what I feel is happening. I just want it to be over. I’ve said many times I don’t mind a night or maybe two out a week. The 3 plus is a lot. It’s not healthy and it’s expensive. I don’t know how to help him if it is a mid life crisis though. 

[preraph]

I bet what would make it go away real quick as if you showed up every single time and just bit the bullet for a while. I know that's a huge sacrifice. and you would also have to tell him you want to leave earlier and not leave him there alone. You have to tell him you want to ride there with him and leave with him and then you would prod him to leave earlier. 

 

Either way you're going to end up in a fight about it. but really I think knowing that woman is after him I would just be there every minute and hopefully that takes the fun out of it for him if there's flirting going on between him. and also if he's acting the fool around the young people trying to fit in he might reign that in some if you were there. Again I know it's an incredibly hard sacrifice.

 

Hopefully they'll young lady will get a boyfriend of her own at some point. I bet he spending a ton of money buying them drinks and stuff. See if you can look at his finances because he won't be able to write all that off. If you're in the u.s. entertainment is only a 50% write off now and that's only if you have the owner's approval to do it at all and no one is going to do it for four times a week, believe me. So maybe you attack him on the financial aspect as well.

[justwhoiam]

On 2/6/2020 at 4:44 AM, rainfall said:

My partner and I have been together for almost 20 years.

Something doesn't add up in your story. You started out saying he's your partner. Then everybody started saying he's your husband, and you started calling him your husband.

Are you even married with this guy? Because I have a gut feeling you are not his wife. You are not a family. You're just partners. And that would explain the kind of dynamics in your relationship. Can you explain this? And you also mentioned he was staying 3 hours away at a friend's house. Your relationship seems to be stale and, although long-term, kind of casual. You accepted this kind of relationship for 20 years.

[rainfall]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

I bet what would make it go away real quick as if you showed up every single time and just bit the bullet for a while. I know that's a huge sacrifice. and you would also have to tell him you want to leave earlier and not leave him there alone. You have to tell him you want to ride there with him and leave with him and then you would prod him to leave earlier. 

 

Either way you're going to end up in a fight about it. but really I think knowing that woman is after him I would just be there every minute and hopefully that takes the fun out of it for him if there's flirting going on between him. and also if he's acting the fool around the young people trying to fit in he might reign that in some if you were there. Again I know it's an incredibly hard sacrifice.

 

Hopefully they'll young lady will get a boyfriend of her own at some point. I bet he spending a ton of money buying them drinks and stuff. See if you can look at his finances because he won't be able to write all that off. If you're in the u.s. entertainment is only a 50% write off now and that's only if you have the owner's approval to do it at all and no one is going to do it for four times a week, believe me. So maybe you attack him on the financial aspect as well.

I agree and am going to try to go out if and when I can. I hope she finds herself her own man soon as well. 

1 minute ago, S2B said:

Would you say he has a drinking problem?

are you able to make ends meet without his income?

do you have kids together?

No kids. Not really a drinking problem but he does like to drink. Not sure on ends. It would be tight. 

1 hour ago, justwhoiam said:

Something doesn't add up in your story. You started out saying he's your partner. Then everybody started saying he's your husband, and you started calling him your husband.

Are you even married with this guy? Because I have a gut feeling you are not his wife. You are not a family. You're just partners. And that would explain the kind of dynamics in your relationship. Can you explain this? And you also mentioned he was staying 3 hours away at a friend's house. Your relationship seems to be stale and, although long-term, kind of casual. You accepted this kind of relationship for 20 years.

Yep we are married. We just were never really big on marriage for a long time since we don’t have kids. To me partner/SO/husband all means the same. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And I would never tell him he couldn’t go visit a friend. He’s allowed to have male friends and go to visit them. 
 

I wouldn’t say we are casual. I’m 100% committed to him and I want to spend my life with him. I’m just not wanting to share him with anyone. I’m hoping this trash girl finds her own man soon so she’ll realize mine is taken. 

[rainfall]

6 minutes ago, S2B said:

But even if/when the other gal is removed you still are left with the same problems within your marriage.

have you considered counseling together?

i would want to resolve issues with him IF I was considering staying.

but why do you want him at all cost?

why wouldn’t you be talking about the big problems you have together and solutions to address what you two seem to avoid?

I’m going to stay as long as he didn’t cheat. I want him because I love him and can’t imagine life without him. We’ve discussed some of the issues that started this and the going out all the time has improved. Now it’s just my concern of him cheating. 

[justwhoiam]

31 minutes ago, rainfall said:

Yep we are married. We just were never really big on marriage for a long time since we don’t have kids.

So what happened? When did you get married? And why? Who came up with the idea?

Quote

To me partner/SO/husband all means the same.

Yeah, that's personal perception. Law is a different matter.

Quote

I want to spend the rest of my life with him

It needs to be mutual. How often are you intimate with him? Why would he prefer a night out in a bar to alone time with you (aka sex with you)? I guess the excitement is not there anymore. I don't want to be mean but if all you're offering is dinner and then it's two separate lives, I don't see the point. Maybe it's the comfort to have a partner and not being alone? Don't you have needs to be with him? And if so, how do you go about it? You need to force him down to have sex with you? That'd be awful to me.

Quote

I would never tell him he couldn’t go visit a friend. He’s allowed to have male friends and go to visit them.

That's inconsequential I guess. This kind of relationship - as others previously pointed out - is not one where you share decisions, rather decisions are made unilaterally (or one-sidedly, as you wish). It's the type of deal you built with him. It's not that he needs to ask you anything. Neither the permission to go out, nor to leave home for trips or whatever. Now it looks like you're unhappy with the kind of arrangement you set for yourself in 20 years with him. You knew what he was willing to offer and you accepted it. I guess all that's left besides trying to nag is sucking it up or separate. And moreover, it looks like you were the one who started changing the home routines, with new working hours, so it felt ok for him to change his. Probably the only thing you could do is check his bank account and see how much he's splurging. If it's affecting your family budget, then you have something to call him out on, even legally. But if you do, that can be the end of your marriage.

[rainfall]

7 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

So what happened? When did you get married? And why? Who came up with the idea?

Yeah, that's personal perception. Law is a different matter.

It needs to be mutual. How often are you intimate with him? Why would he prefer a night out in a bar to alone time with you (aka sex with you)? I guess the excitement is not there anymore. I don't want to be mean but if all you're offering is dinner and then it's two separate lives, I don't see the point. Maybe it's the comfort to have a partner and not being alone? Don't you have needs to be with him? And if so, how do you go about it? You need to force him down to have sex with you? That'd be awful to me.

That's inconsequential I guess. This kind of relationship - as others previously pointed out - is not one where you share decisions, rather decisions are made unilaterally (or one-sidedly, as you wish). It's the type of deal you built with him. It's not that he needs to ask you anything. Neither the permission to go out, nor to leave home for trips or whatever. Now it looks like you're unhappy with the kind of arrangement you set for yourself in 20 years with him. You knew what he was willing to offer and you accepted it. I guess all that's left besides trying to nag is sucking it up or separate. And moreover, it looks like you were the one who started changing the home routines, with new working hours, so it felt ok for him to change his. Probably the only thing you could do is check his bank account and see how much he's splurging. If it's affecting your family budget, then you have something to call him out on, even legally. But if you do, that can be the end of your marriage.

We both decided to go ahead and get married. We knew we wanted to be together forever, and being married made more sense then bf/gf. Even before we were married he was my “common law” husband, we just decided to make it official. Being married gives us more protections and this way just makes sense. 
 

we have sex 4-5 times a week and I don’t think I’ve ever “forced” him to have sex. We also do more than just have dinner. I personally don’t think I could be such a controlling psycho and tell him he can’t ever go out with his friends and he has to be home with me every night. That’s not healthy either. 
 

Im not his mother so he shouldn’t have to ask my permission to go out. I’m happy with the way things are now with his going out: it’s just that sad and pathetic little girl that wants him that is driving me crazy. I know she has nothing at all to offer him so I know he would never lower his standards for a relationship with her. I’m just paranoid something else is going on. 
 

and he supported my swapping my hours because he knew this was my dream job and it’s what I’ve worked so hard for 

[justwhoiam]

2 minutes ago, rainfall said:

Being married gives us more protections and this way just makes sense.

For some reason, I think it was you wanting those protections. He would have been just fine being your common-law partner. But I'll try and believe you both came up with the idea at the same time.

Quote

we have sex 4-5 times a week

So you're having sex before he goes out... or what, at 4 am something before you prepare for work? THAT is a bad routine. Why are you doing that? That sounds more like ongoing quickies. No real intimacy or time for loving. Sorry but it doesn't look like neither of you is IN LOVE with one another.

Quote

Im not his mother so he shouldn’t have to ask my permission to go out

Have you ever heard of the term "hall pass"? Its very existance is because married couples don't just do whatever they feel like whenever. I'm not discussing your arrangement, as every couple is entitled to their own arrangement. But just be aware that your view is not common among married couples. So you saying "I'm not his mother" would sound odd to most. You have your own idea of relationship, that is in a minority spectrum. Therefore, applying common sense and what anybody would do in your place is odd to me at this point, because most people wouldn't have this kind of arrangement during marriage.

Quote

I’m happy with the way things are now with his going out

He only reduced time out because you kept asking for it, not out of his own will. You expressed concern in multiple posts about how unhealthy that is (he was spending up to 7 hours per 3 or 4 times a week drinking in a bar). A constant heavy drinking habit when you're a certain age is going to take its toll pretty soon. Have him get a blood test especially regarding his liver state. You'll be the one who will have to take care of his health issues. And if his alcohol levels are out of range, you might be alone facing expenses, with no insurance support. One fine morning, after he's been out all night drinking, you take him to take the blood test in the morning. And then see what happens. You're not his mother, but you're his wife.

Quote

it’s just that sad and pathetic little girl that wants him that is driving me crazy. I know she has nothing at all to offer him so I know he would never lower his standards for a relationship with her. I’m just paranoid something else is going on.

You think she's sad. I didn't get that. She's in her 20s. I'm not sure why she gets state money. There's a chance she's lying to you and your husband is supporting her. What does a 20ish year old girl have to offer? Youth! Joy for life! Great stamina. Peachy skin. Should I go on?

Quote

he really does go out drinking at least 75% if the time.

You still have 25% of the time you don't know anything about. Also, he might be with friends untill 10 or 11 pm and then have time alone with someone else. If you have sex with him after his night out, you would know if he already had sex. I trust you'd be able to figure it out. The amount of sperm would diminish greatly. Start having sex every morning after his night out and you'll soon figure it out. He might just make an excuse and turn it down. Or pretend he's asleep. Or he might have issues performing. Check out for those signs.

Quote

If I’m wrong I don’t want to ruin our marriage, but if I’m right I don’t want to be made a fool of.

At times, two people just take separate ways and marriage falls apart. Other times, two people can live their own lives and still stay in the marriage. But your level of unsatisfaction seems to have hit the fan.

Quote

He just got a new phone last month and I don’t know the passcode.

Pretend you can't remember your passcode and can't access your phone, and you ask him for his phone to check out something online. If he gives it to you without a problem, fine. If he starts being fussy, that's your clue something fishy's going on. It doesn't take much really.

Quote

Lots of texting (more than I feel is acceptable) he went out of town last weekend... She posted a picture of her out of town in the same place he was at but there was no date on the picture and she took it down a few hours later. And I just have a gut feeling about it.

You have apparent signs.

Quote

he can’t leave work at all, but he can tell me he’s staying late and I’d have no way to know if he’s lying or not. 

He can leave work early and come home later. Or he can take the day off. But this guy's really blunt. He's not coming home to sleep on a regular basis.

Quote

I asked him today if he was cheating and he said no, but I don’t believe a word he says anymore 

Sorry you feel that way and still holding on like that.

Quote

I can if I check his credit card statement when he gets it. He always just leaves it laying om his desk. So far there have been no weird charges, but that weekend hasn't come yet.

He might do something stupid, but if he's smart enough, he's not using his credit card. This is how it works. He gets money at ATM. And then saves up over time, so that you don't suspect anything's different. He can either pay everything cash, or get one of those credit cards you get at the store and putting money in. Those credit cards are great to make reservations. You knew where he was staying. You can call up all the hotels there and say you're Mrs XXX. "My husband and I stayed on the night of.... but I can't find the hotel bill anymore. I guess we left it in a café on the way home. Can you please email it to me? If they said they emailed it already to another address, just say: oh, no, I guess it just went to spam there. You might be lucky and get the hotel bill. If he claimed he stayed at the friend's house, try it anyway. If you come up with a bill in his name, then that's your clue. There's a chance he put the bill in her name, but maybe not if he made the reservation.

[rainfall]

13 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

 

So you're having sex before he goes out... or what, at 4 am something before you prepare for work? THAT is a bad routine. Why are you doing that? That sounds more like ongoing quickies. No real intimacy or time for loving. Sorry but it doesn't look like neither of you is IN LOVE with one another.

Have you ever heard of the term "hall pass"? Its very existance is because married couples don't just do whatever they feel like whenever. I'm not discussing your arrangement, as every couple is entitled to their own arrangement. But just be aware that your view is not common among married couples. So you saying "I'm not his mother" would sound odd to most. You have your own idea of relationship, that is in a minority spectrum. Therefore, applying common sense and what anybody would do in your place is odd to me at this point, because most people wouldn't have this kind of arrangement during marriage.

He only reduced time out because you kept asking for it, not out of his own will. You expressed concern in multiple posts about how unhealthy that is (he was spending up to 7 hours per 3 or 4 times a week drinking in a bar). A constant heavy drinking habit when you're a certain age is going to take its toll pretty soon. Have him get a blood test especially regarding his liver state. You'll be the one who will have to take care of his health issues. And if his alcohol levels are out of range, you might be alone facing expenses, with no insurance support. One fine morning, after he's been out all night drinking, you take him to take the blood test in the morning. And then see what happens. You're not his mother, but you're his wife.

You think she's sad. I didn't get that. She's in her 20s. I'm not sure why she gets state money. There's a chance she's lying to you and your husband is supporting her. What does a 20ish year old girl have to offer? Youth! Joy for life! Great stamina. Peachy skin. Should I go on?

You still have 25% of the time you don't know anything about. Also, he might be with friends untill 10 or 11 pm and then have time alone with someone else. If you have sex with him after his night out, you would know if he already had sex. I trust you'd be able to figure it out. The amount of sperm would diminish greatly. Start having sex every morning after his night out and you'll soon figure it out. He might just make an excuse and turn it down. Or pretend he's asleep. Or he might have issues performing. Check out for those signs.

At times, two people just take separate ways and marriage falls apart. Other times, two people can live their own lives and still stay in the marriage. But your level of unsatisfaction seems to have hit the fan.

Pretend you can't remember your passcode and can't access your phone, and you ask him for his phone to check out something online. If he gives it to you without a problem, fine. If he starts being fussy, that's your clue something fishy's going on. It doesn't take much really.

You have apparent signs.

He can leave work early and come home later. Or he can take the day off. But this guy's really blunt. He's not coming home to sleep on a regular basis.

Sorry you feel that way and still holding on like that.

He might do something stupid, but if he's smart enough, he's not using his credit card. This is how it works. He gets money at ATM. And then saves up over time, so that you don't suspect anything's different. He can either pay everything cash, or get one of those credit cards you get at the store and putting money in. Those credit cards are great to make reservations. You knew where he was staying. You can call up all the hotels there and say you're Mrs XXX. "My husband and I stayed on the night of.... but I can't find the hotel bill anymore. I guess we left it in a café on the way home. Can you please email it to me? If they said they emailed it already to another address, just say: oh, no, I guess it just went to spam there. You might be lucky and get the hotel bill. If he claimed he stayed at the friend's house, try it anyway. If you come up with a bill in his name, then that's your clue. There's a chance he put the bill in her name, but maybe not if he made the reservation.

When did I say we were having quickies? I think I said he hasn’t been going out as much since we talked. We’ve never had sex before I’ve gone to work bc he is asleep. Yes we have the occasional quickie, but it would be exhausting to expect every time we have sex to be drawn out and 2 hours long. I don’t know who has time or energy to do that 5 times a week. 
 

I would personally hate having to ask his permission to go to a concert or out with a friend. We aren’t each other’s bosses and I don’t know who could live like that and be happy. And how would I have no insurance exactly? We have insurance through my job and it’s actually pretty amazing insurance so I think I’m ok there. 
 

The 20 something trash girl has nothing to offer him. She barely makes minimum wage, has no education, no plans to get an education, no car, lives off welfare... and no my husband isn’t supporting her. That I would know about. She’s just a sad and pathetic little girl who needs to back off my husband. 
 

im not exactly sure why it’s a bad thing he stopped going out as much when I told him I didn’t like it. It shows he at least is willing to work on things. We both have things to work on snd if he is sleeping with this nasty trash girl I will find out. I’m not worried about that. I have my ways. I’m fine with him going out on occasion with friends and I don’t see how anyone thinks they should have to ask their SO permission to go out one night a week. That sounds like prison not a marriage 

[rainfall]

47 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

 

At times, two people just take separate ways and marriage falls apart. Other times, two people can live their own lives and still stay in the marriage. But your level of unsatisfaction seems to have hit the fan.

 

He can leave work early and come home later. Or he can take the day off. But this guy's really blunt. He's not coming home to sleep on a regular basis.

We both have things we need to work on in our marriage and we are both doing that. Assuming there is no cheating going on I feel things are moving in the right direction. And he’s never not come home to sleep. He always comes home after going out. Also he’s not able to leave work early or just take the day off since he’s the only one there in charge. Plus I drive by there on my way home every day and it’s 5 minutes from our place. Very easy to check up on him if I need to. 

[justwhoiam]

52 minutes ago, rainfall said:

I think I said he hasn’t been going out as much since we talked.

Before the new arrangement. The way you are turning things upside down is quite exhausting. He was going out 3-4 times a week, at times even 5 times a week by your own admission. You said you have sex with him like 4 times a week. So it seems obvious to me that you were doing it either before he was going out at night or early in the morning before you went to work. Now, getting the latter option out of the way, it means you were doing it before he was going out. And I can't figure out how that wouldn't be a quickie. Not that you're taking time to be together or very romantic. The times he stays at home, he spends the night in his game room. What did you do for Valentine's day/night?

Quote

And how would I have no insurance exactly? We have insurance through my job and it’s actually pretty amazing insurance so I think I’m ok there.

That's not what I said. I said that if they find certain alcohol levels in his blood, insurance coverage might go down the toilet. I know someone's son was drinking every night, until one night he dropped unconscious, alcohol in his blood indicated alcoholism and they had to take him to rehab. But insurance wouldn't cover the whole cost, and the father had to pay $10,000 for just 30 days. Just saying. If health issues are caused by substance abuse, expenses might not be covered. That's what I was saying. So check what your insurance covers regarding any health issue or condition caused by alcohol or other substances.

Quote

The 20 something trash girl has nothing to offer him. She barely makes minimum wage, has no education, no plans to get an education, no car, lives off welfare... and no my husband isn’t supporting her. That I would know about.

How would you know? Anyway, I don't think a man is attracted to a woman because of how much she makes or depending on the education she got. You're misled. It's more about chemistry and how "high" the man feels with her. Ever heard the expression being on cloud nine? You get the picture. Or it might be more physical, like a nice body or appealing features. Who knows.

Quote

I don’t see how anyone thinks they should have to ask their SO permission to go out one night a week.

Are you so in denial? He was going out 4 nights a week (nights to himself). Coming home at 3 am over and over again for months. He's sleeping out. Has weekends by himself out of towns (trips). And all that you're content about is agreeing to a weekend a month with your husband?

Edited March 2, 2020 by justwhoiam

[justwhoiam]

P.S. Ok, he's always coming home every night. I guess I was misled when you said you went check if he was around that girl's house. But that was during the day I suppose.

[justwhoiam]

P.P.S. Stop drinking and smoking. I guess I'd rather spend the PI money on body treatments to relax, like at a spa 🙂

[rainfall]

2 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

Before the new arrangement. The way you are turning things upside down is quite exhausting. He was going out 3-4 times a week, at times even 5 times a week by your own admission. You said you have sex with him like 4 times a week. So it seems obvious to me that you were doing it either before he was going out at night or early in the morning before you went to work. Now, getting the latter option out of the way, it means you were doing it before he was going out. And I can't figure out how that wouldn't be a quickie. Not that you're taking time to be together or very romantic. The times he stays at home, he spends the night in his game room. What did you do for Valentine's day/night?

That's not what I said. I said that if they find certain alcohol levels in his blood, insurance coverage might go down the toilet. I know someone's son was drinking every night, until one night he dropped unconscious, alcohol in his blood indicated alcoholism and they had to take him to rehab. But insurance wouldn't cover the whole cost, and the father had to pay $10,000 for just 30 days. Just saying. If health issues are caused by substance abuse, expenses might not be covered. That's what I was saying. So check what your insurance covers regarding any health issue or condition caused by alcohol or other substances.

How would you know? Anyway, I don't think a man is attracted to a woman because of how much she makes or depending on the education she got. You're misled. It's more about chemistry and how "high" the man feels with her. Ever heard the expression being on cloud nine? You get the picture. Or it might be more physical, like a nice body or appealing features. Who knows.

Are you so in denial? He was going out 4 nights a week (nights to himself). Coming home at 3 am over and over again for months. He's sleeping out. Has weekends by himself out of towns (trips). And all that you're content about is agreeing to a weekend a month with your husband?

We did nothing on Valentine’s Day Because I hate Valentine’s Day and never have done anything for it. We would have sex when he got home. Sex doesn’t have to be a 1-2 hour long ordeal every time. That’s exhausting and not realistic. And we are spending time together every night now. I’m ok with him going out once a week. I’m not his mother or his boss. He’s allowed to go out and have friends. I can’t imagine being with someone so controlling that I have to ask permission to go to a friends house or out to dinner with people. 
 

And this girl has no appealing features. She’s probably one of the most unattractive people I’ve ever seen and her entitled attitude is someone’s he’s always been turned off by. He hates people who can work more, but instead are lazy and just collect welfare. 
 

and now that we’ve talked he’s not going out as much. There is more to our issue than just him going out. There were things I was doing that he was unhappy with as well. We are both working on those things. Tonight his friends asked him to go out, and he turned them down because we were spending time together. 

[rainfall]

1 hour ago, justwhoiam said:

P.S. Ok, he's always coming home every night. I guess I was misled when you said you went check if he was around that girl's house. But that was during the day I suppose.

Yep there’s not been one night when he didn’t come home. I’m not going to wake up at 1 in the morning to go drive to the ghetto to see if he’s there. That’s where the pi will come in if I decide to go that way. 

[rainfall]

2 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

P.P.S. Stop drinking and smoking. I guess I'd rather spend the PI money on body treatments to relax, like at a spa 🙂

I relax with concerts and tattoos. Although those aren’t till this summer. And thankfully I don’t have to ask permission to go to concerts. I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I have to ask if I can spend my own money to go to a concert or multiple concerts. 
 

if that’s what relationships are like now, I really hope he’s not cheating and we both work on the issues we were unhappy with and things keep improving. 
 

I had no idea that I was doing certain things that made him unhappy and I think part of that is what lead to him going out so much. (Not all but some) so we are both working on our own things and hopefully there’s no cheating and things will be back to normal soon. 
 

Edited March 2, 2020 by rainfall

[assertives]

Rainfall, I personally feel you should take what others say on this forum with a pinch of salt. You know your own husband and you know what your marriage is like. I would hate for you to go from 100% trusting your husband and feeling secure in your marriage to doubting his every move because of some seeds of doubt planted in you (albeit out of goodwill) by what you read on here based on others' own personal experiences.

Perhaps you should take a few steps back, regroup and evaluate the situation objectively. I get the impression you are all over the place and getting pulled into different directions at the stuff people are telling you. Trust your gut, gather your wits and put in abit more thought before taking the next step. You may gain abit more clarity on what you feel you need to do next.

A public forum like this may be good in getting unbiased outside opinions, but can sometimes also cause more confusion than help, so feel free to stay away for abit if you feel posting/reading on here is starting to get overwhelming for you.

[rainfall]

17 hours ago, assertives said:

Rainfall, I personally feel you should take what others say on this forum with a pinch of salt. You know your own husband and you know what your marriage is like. I would hate for you to go from 100% trusting your husband and feeling secure in your marriage to doubting his every move because of some seeds of doubt planted in you (albeit out of goodwill) by what you read on here based on others' own personal experiences.

Perhaps you should take a few steps back, regroup and evaluate the situation objectively. I get the impression you are all over the place and getting pulled into different directions at the stuff people are telling you. Trust your gut, gather your wits and put in abit more thought before taking the next step. You may gain abit more clarity on what you feel you need to do next.

A public forum like this may be good in getting unbiased outside opinions, but can sometimes also cause more confusion than help, so feel free to stay away for abit if you feel posting/reading on here is starting to get overwhelming for you.

Everything is overwhelming for me. I don’t trust him at all and it’s driving me crazy. He’s acting so sweet and everything is going great between us. I just don’t trust him at all anymore. 
 

All the sketchy stuff I’ve found snooping could mean he’s cheating or it could mean nothing and I hate not knowing. 

Edited March 2, 2020 by rainfall

[rainfall]

23 minutes ago, S2B said:

Are you laying off the sauce Rainfall? You need to stay clear headed throughout this.

I’ve always had insomnia. This has made it worse. So I’m taking my prescription meds and added some otc sleep aids to help me sleep. 
 

nothing was on the credit card bill (hotel wise). There were some expensive restaurant purchases, but I do know that those two take turns buying dinner when they hang out. It’s hard to say if it was the two of them or him and the skank. My recorder should arrive next week. There was some delay in shipping, but the pi says she can start whenever. I just need to give her a 2 days notice. I hate everything about this. I would give anything for things to just go back to normal and this is just a bad memory.

[SummerDreams]

52 minutes ago, rainfall said:

I would give anything for things to just go back to normal and this is just a bad memory.

It's not normal to not trust your H and not be able to talk to him when you are worried about something and be sure he will be honest. 

At the moment you are driving a broken car and you don't hear us saying that the car needs fixing, you just insist on arriving to this destination you want to go to and you don't care for the rest.

Even when you arrive there safely, the car will still be broken.

[rainfall]

6 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

It's not normal to not trust your H and not be able to talk to him when you are worried about something and be sure he will be honest. 

At the moment you are driving a broken car and you don't hear us saying that the car needs fixing, you just insist on arriving to this destination you want to go to and you don't care for the rest.

Even when you arrive there safely, the car will still be broken.

Again the problem is I found everything I know by snooping. I’m not sure how to bring these things up. Everything that is open information I’ve discussed with him. 

[JTSW]

You're a married couple and should be able to talk about anything.

You have every right to demand answers.

[SummerDreams]

36 minutes ago, rainfall said:

Again the problem is I found everything I know by snooping. I’m not sure how to bring these things up. Everything that is open information I’ve discussed with him. 

The very fact that he made you go snooping to find out  the truth is THE problem. The very fact that you can't tell him that you had to go snooping to find out the truth is THE problem. If he has not cheated, it doesn't make your problems go away but maybe you don't / can't see it because not all people are aware of what a trustworthy, stable relationship means so they are happy with something mediocre. I'm not excluding myself, my relationship with my H isn't perfect by any means. But here we are talking about you and your relationship with your H. We are seeing something that needs to be fixed and we are telling you but you refuse to see it. It's no wonder this thread has gone on for weeks now.