Am I overreacting - is he cheating?

[rainfall]

11 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

No objection here, but in the OP's case what everyone has been saying from day one (and she chooses to ignore) is that her marriage has way more problems than just him cheating. Please read the thread and you will notice it as well. I've just come to the conclusion that she likes to hide the real problems under the rug because she knows it's almost impossible to fix them and because, if she admits that her marriage problems are that huge, it will be like admitting that the past 20 years were a disaster which is not easy for people to do so they prefer to live in a virtual reality.

Every marriage has problems. I thought we had worked out the issue when he agreed to go out less. My snooping uncovered this trash girl. The past 20 years haven’t been a disaster. We’ve had some great times. This all started recently and I don’t know if he’s cheating, having a midlife crisis, if he’s just enjoying the attention at the cost of our marriage and my health, or if I’m just making things up. 

3 hours ago, S2B said:

That’s all well and good but now you DO know.

its not useful that you keep running backwards to say “oh, but I didn’t know then”... you know NOW... that things aren’t right and you haven’t done things to find out what IS real! 
you have a twit sending your husband a bday gift (what did she send?) and that hasn’t caused you to leave him.

so now you move the boundary again and say you actually need 100% proof that she has had sex with him... 🙄

you will do ANYTHING to stay. When you find out he’s been having sex with her what lie will you tell yourself then?

its always going to be something to make you stay. What are you afraid of?

personally, I would be more scared to stay and sleep with any man that lies to me and betrays me. But it really looks like you have NO boundary. So work with a professional on that - and becoming less afraid. 
otherwise you’ve signed up and agreed to allowing him to treat you like garbage...

I need 100% proof he’s had any type of physical contact with her. She sent him a gift card to a restaurant and a few other random things. He did take me to the restaurant and not her, but that doesn’t make me any less angry. He claims he had no idea she was going to do that. 
 

once I get my voice recorder and gps tracker (had to order one. The app one kept giving my friend notification even though it said it was supposed to be hidden). 
 

I’m not going to stay if he’s cheating. If he’s not cheating and he’s just being an insensitive jerk then we have other things to work on. I just need to find out if it’s a lawyer or a marriage counselor I need to call. 

[Baman]

19 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Your situation is way different, but for many sex involving a third party IS the ultimate betrayal.
Sex by itself is just a physical act, but what it stands for to most, is HUGE..
Monogamous couples ONLY have sex with their SO, it is about pair bonding, it is about connection, it is about love, it is about trust.
 For another to invade or to be "invited" in, is a complete disaster for many, as their whole life is then ruined.
No safety, no security, no trust, no faith in human nature.
Conspiracy, lying, betrayal... becomes part of their life and they don't want it or like it.

I understand where you are coming from, I realize my situation is different.

However, the fact remains she feels betrayed already, lied to already and conspiracy is afoot already. With no evidence sex has taken place. That and her imagination are doing untold damage to the relationship already.

Couples can get over sex with another person with professional help, yet betrayals of the above nature that can show a lack of respect, contempt and dislike. Those betrayals are much much harder to come back from than a physical act itself. Many professional therapists will tell you that.

That is what i meant.

[rainfall]

17 hours ago, Baman said:

I understand where you are coming from, I realize my situation is different.

However, the fact remains she feels betrayed already, lied to already and conspiracy is afoot already. With no evidence sex has taken place. That and her imagination are doing untold damage to the relationship already.

Couples can get over sex with another person with professional help, yet betrayals of the above nature that can show a lack of respect, contempt and dislike. Those betrayals are much much harder to come back from than a physical act itself. Many professional therapists will tell you that.

That is what i meant.

I could never get over him having sex with someone else. If no sex has taken place and it’s really just this trashy girl trying to go after him and him loving the attention I could get past if he agrees to counseling. I’m just not sure which it is. If it’s really just him having a midlife crisis and loving the attention I could forgive him if he stops contact with her. I need to know which one it is and my voice recorder is arriving Monday. I will be picking it up Tuesday because he will be home all day Monday and I don’t want to risk bringing it in with him at home. 
 

it’s not like he will admit to having sex with someone else. We actually had a discussion about this a few months back. When our mutual friend and her fiancé broke up because of cheating, we promised each other we would leave the other before cheating happened. (This was before this trash girl started to go after him). 
 

hopefully it doesn’t take long for me to find out. I’m just worried that I’ll have hours and hours of recordings with nothing and I’ll end up missing something because I get bored and think nothing is going to happen that late. 

 

the gps tracker says arriving Tuesday by 8 so I’m hoping it’s there when I go pick up my voice recorder. 

[SummerDreams]

It shows a lot to me that you keep calling this girl "trash" which I find really offending. Maybe because I'm not American I miss some of the point there and it's not something big in America, but in my eyes to call any human being trash is just unacceptable. Maybe I could see it for a drug dealer or a kids killers or something, but for a woman who is maybe trying to get close to your husband? She may be immoral, whatever else, but trash? All people are born by mothers who love them and nobody has the right to call them trash. I'm really sad and disgusted by this word.

[S2B]

You keep blaming the gal. Blame ONLY your husband!!!!!

no one is forcing him to spend all his free time away from the house with her. It’s total HIS choice to betray you this way!

open your eyes. He’s CHOOSING this for himself knowing it hurts your feelings!

only he is to blame - not her. He’s no victim! He’s pursuing her and her time.

stop being so naive.

[rainfall]

14 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

It shows a lot to me that you keep calling this girl "trash" which I find really offending. Maybe because I'm not American I miss some of the point there and it's not something big in America, but in my eyes to call any human being trash is just unacceptable. Maybe I could see it for a drug dealer or a kids killers or something, but for a woman who is maybe trying to get close to your husband? She may be immoral, whatever else, but trash? All people are born by mothers who love them and nobody has the right to call them trash. I'm really sad and disgusted by this word.

Well I disagree. She is after a married man, admits she doesn’t care that she will never get a job that pays more than 9 an hour because the government will pay her way, has nothing to offer to anyone in this world, and oh yeah wants my husband. 
 

she’s a sad and pathetic little girl who is nothing but trash and karma will come back to bite her soon. 

[S2B]

What does it say about your husband that he wants to see her and spend time with her? 
she can’t be that bad. She must offer him some things you can’t. 
 

it’s his choice being with her. You can’t make him stop seeing her. And you certainly can’t trust he won’t while you’re busy working...

you have NO peace of mind in this marriage.

you're basically trapped because you’re not independent enough.

go live with a family member - pay off your debt and start again. This man is causing you way too much grief.

i don’t care how great the PAST 20 years have been - it’s not good now.

and...the past is the past. She has his attention now. 
and stop name calling on her - it just makes you look unattractive for calling names. You also ONLY know what he’s told you - and cheaters lie a LOT.

 

I've heard many cheating men describe the OW All kinds of ugly descriptions - only to see them and understand the MM was totally lying about what they really look like. They say that so the W  doesn’t get suspicious!

Edited March 8, 2020 by S2B

[rainfall]

9 minutes ago, S2B said:

What does it say about your husband that he wants to see her and spend time with her? 
she can’t be that bad. She must offer him some things you can’t. 
 

it’s his choice being with her. You can’t make him stop seeing her. And you certainly can’t trust he won’t while you’re busy working...

you have NO peace of mind in this marriage.

you're basically trapped because you’re not independent enough.

go live with a family member - pay off your debt and start again. This man is causing you way too much grief.

i don’t care how great the PAST 20 years have been - it’s not good now.

and...the past is the past. She has his attention now. 
and stop name calling on her - it just makes you look unattractive for calling names. You also ONLY know what he’s told you - and cheaters lie a LOT.

 

I've heard many cheating men describe the OW All kinds of ugly descriptions - only to see them and understand the MM was totally lying about what they really look like. They say that so the W  doesn’t get suspicious!

All she can offer is someone who can stay up late with no real job to go to. And I’ve meet this girl and she has said these things in front of a bunch of people. He’s not the one telling me this. 
 

Once I get my voice recorder I’ll either find out he’s cheating and have 2 people to get revenge on or find out she’s after him and he’s just clueless and just have to get revenge on her. 
 

And if he’s not cheating if he wants this marriage to last their friendship will end. I’m just waiting for my proof of which on it is. 

[RedOlive]

Do you realize how many “trashy-don’t-care-if-you-are-married” women go after taken men everywhere everyday? 

Men who care about their union and are truly committed nip that crap in the bud. They don’t spend time with these women. They disclose to their wives. Those who are “clueless” conveniently claim ignorance to excuse their leading such women on, if only by inaction.

Sorry to say this, but any degree of inappropriate relationship here is 100% on your husband. There are really no clueless men, only clueless wives in this scenario.

Listen, it’s ok to make a choice to stay with someone who treats you the way your husband does. Who are a bunch of random strangers to judge you. We don’t know your life. 

With that said, make sure your choice is an informed one, not coming out of denial about what’s happening. 

I would also suggest you use these posts as a sort of journaling - go back and read your previous entries and you will see a pattern in your responses. To me it seems that you are deeply conflicted between the reaction you want to have vs. that you are currently capable of.

I really do feel for you. Good luck with whatever you end up doing.

 

 

[rainfall]

3 hours ago, RedOlive said:

Do you realize how many “trashy-don’t-care-if-you-are-married” women go after taken men everywhere everyday? 

Men who care about their union and are truly committed nip that crap in the bud. They don’t spend time with these women. They disclose to their wives. Those who are “clueless” conveniently claim ignorance to excuse their leading such women on, if only by inaction.

Sorry to say this, but any degree of inappropriate relationship here is 100% on your husband. There are really no clueless men, only clueless wives in this scenario.

Listen, it’s ok to make a choice to stay with someone who treats you the way your husband does. Who are a bunch of random strangers to judge you. We don’t know your life. 

With that said, make sure your choice is an informed one, not coming out of denial about what’s happening. 

I would also suggest you use these posts as a sort of journaling - go back and read your previous entries and you will see a pattern in your responses. To me it seems that you are deeply conflicted between the reaction you want to have vs. that you are currently capable of.

I really do feel for you. Good luck with whatever you end up doing.

 

 

If he’s cheating I’m done. If he’s not cheating I’m going to tell him to stop their friendship and we need counseling. I just need to know which one it is. 

[S2B]

Every single time someone wants to point out HIS behavior/participation - you ONLY move to criticize the OW.

that is your problem... you won’t admit how HE participates EVER!

your perspective is so off base.

[rainfall]

43 minutes ago, S2B said:

Every single time someone wants to point out HIS behavior/participation - you ONLY move to criticize the OW.

that is your problem... you won’t admit how HE participates EVER!

your perspective is so off base.

Oh I know he has a part. I just need to know what his part is before I say anything. I know her behavior so I am going to criticize her. I don’t know yet if he’s a cheating jerk or just a jerk. 
 

once I find out which then I’ll be at to discuss things with him. 

[usa1ah]

On 3/1/2020 at 9:53 PM, rainfall said:

We did nothing on Valentine’s Day Because I hate Valentine’s Day and never have done anything for it. We would have sex when he got home. Sex doesn’t have to be a 1-2 hour long ordeal every time. That’s exhausting and not realistic. And we are spending time together every night now. I’m ok with him going out once a week. I’m not his mother or his boss. He’s allowed to go out and have friends. I can’t imagine being with someone so controlling that I have to ask permission to go to a friends house or out to dinner with people. 
 

And this girl has no appealing features. She’s probably one of the most unattractive people I’ve ever seen and her entitled attitude is someone’s he’s always been turned off by. He hates people who can work more, but instead are lazy and just collect welfare. 
 

and now that we’ve talked he’s not going out as much. There is more to our issue than just him going out. There were things I was doing that he was unhappy with as well. We are both working on those things. Tonight his friends asked him to go out, and he turned them down because we were spending time together. 

I think there is a difference between asking permission and letting your spouse know. 
 

Can I go out tomorrow night? 
 

vs

 

Hey, I am planning a night out tomorrow, did you have anything planned? 
 

It’s just common curiosity to let your spouse know what is going on. 

[usa1ah]

On 3/4/2020 at 4:26 PM, rainfall said:

That’s actually something I didn’t even think about. I’m going to have to ask him about that 

It is not hard to get someone’s address off the internet. 

[usa1ah]

After reading through your thread I can see why you believe he is cheating. Most everyone is telling you he is with no proof to back it up. 
 

Sorry, but how is your husband going to stop another woman from chasing him? He has stopped going out like he has and is spending the time at home with you. 
 

He has no control over what the little piece of trash does. Just like you have no control over that cute bartender flirting with you.  If your husband has done nothing, how will you justify wanting to go out with this bartender and your recently single friend to “have fun”.
 

Your husband might not be out looking for a relationship but you are. You are the one damaging the relationship at the moment. 
 

If you find out he has cheated then deal with it as needed. If you find out he hasn’t then this is on you. 
 

Are you going to tell your husband about the bartender?

[rainfall]

6 hours ago, usa1ah said:

I think there is a difference between asking permission and letting your spouse know. 
 

Can I go out tomorrow night? 
 

vs

 

Hey, I am planning a night out tomorrow, did you have anything planned? 
 

It’s just common curiosity to let your spouse know what is going on. 

He does let me know. He’s never gone out without telling me before. 

6 hours ago, usa1ah said:

After reading through your thread I can see why you believe he is cheating. Most everyone is telling you he is with no proof to back it up. 
 

Sorry, but how is your husband going to stop another woman from chasing him? He has stopped going out like he has and is spending the time at home with you. 
 

He has no control over what the little piece of trash does. Just like you have no control over that cute bartender flirting with you.  If your husband has done nothing, how will you justify wanting to go out with this bartender and your recently single friend to “have fun”.
 

Your husband might not be out looking for a relationship but you are. You are the one damaging the relationship at the moment. 
 

If you find out he has cheated then deal with it as needed. If you find out he hasn’t then this is on you. 
 

Are you going to tell your husband about the bartender?

Yes he’s stopped going out as much. He hasn’t gone out in over a week and even turned down a night out to spend time with me. And I haven’t done anything with the hot bartender yet. If he’s cheating then I’ll definitely be having my rebound fling with him. 
 

I’m not actively looking for a relationship with anyone else, but if he’s cheating on me I’m not going to be faithful to him if he can’t be faithful to me. 
 

and there’s nothing to tell him about the bartender. I told him that he always is asking me out when I go by there, but I keep telling him I’m married. The bartender says well Im here in case you decide not to be married for a night. I’ve told my husband all of this. 
 

my stuff is going to all be here tomorrow so hopefully I’ll find out he’s just loving the attention and we can work on that. We will see I guess. 

[usa1ah]

42 minutes ago, rainfall said:

He does let me know. He’s never gone out without telling me before. 

Yes he’s stopped going out as much. He hasn’t gone out in over a week and even turned down a night out to spend time with me. And I haven’t done anything with the hot bartender yet. If he’s cheating then I’ll definitely be having my rebound fling with him. 
 

I’m not actively looking for a relationship with anyone else, but if he’s cheating on me I’m not going to be faithful to him if he can’t be faithful to me. 
 

and there’s nothing to tell him about the bartender. I told him that he always is asking me out when I go by there, but I keep telling him I’m married. The bartender says well Im here in case you decide not to be married for a night. I’ve told my husband all of this. 
 

my stuff is going to all be here tomorrow so hopefully I’ll find out he’s just loving the attention and we can work on that. We will see I guess. 

I really hope this all works out for you. 
 

From my view point. What is happening with this 20 something POS is out of your husband’s control. I’m guessing she is part of the group that goes to the bar. If so, he has cut contact to bare minimum. I am also guessing she had not come out and asked your husband to sleep with her, repeatedly. 
 

On the other hand, you are going to a bar where the bartender is actively trying to hook up with you. Instead of giving him a flat out NO, you say your a married woman. He knows from his experience that women that say this don’t mean no, it is a not yet. Which you proved when you posted that you were going to take him up on his offer. 
 

Your husband has done nothing close to what you are doing yourself. He actually stopped going out all the time when you asked. So what is driving you? ( I am saying this so you can think it over. ) Are you trying to find something to justify you sleeping with the bartender? If not, why are you still going to that bar?

Edited March 9, 2020 by usa1ah

[S2B]

So your solution is to cheat as well?

do better. Be better.

 

get the divorce before you start up with someone new - otherwise you’re doing no better than he is.

 

i thought your var and gps was arriving today, not tomorrow?

Edited March 9, 2020 by S2B

[usa1ah]

I should have clarified my earlier question. 
 

Have you told your husband that you are wanting to take your bartender up on his offer?

[rainfall]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

So your solution is to cheat as well?

do better. Be better.

 

get the divorce before you start up with someone new - otherwise you’re doing no better than he is.

 

i thought your var and gps was arriving today, not tomorrow?

The var is here (well at my friends house) today and the gps is arriving at her place tomorrow. I’m going to pick them both up when I get off work. I don’t want a divorce. I want him and only him, but if he’s cheating I’m going to get payback. If he’s just loving the attention we will have other things to work on. 

6 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

I should have clarified my earlier question. 
 

Have you told your husband that you are wanting to take your bartender up on his offer?

And no I haven’t told him anything. If he’s cheating I’ll tell him I took him up on his offer after I file for divorce. 

[rainfall]

1 hour ago, usa1ah said:

I really hope this all works out for you. 
 

From my view point. What is happening with this 20 something POS is out of your husband’s control. I’m guessing she is part of the group that goes to the bar. If so, he has cut contact to bare minimum. I am also guessing she had not come out and asked your husband to sleep with her, repeatedly. 
 

On the other hand, you are going to a bar where the bartender is actively trying to hook up with you. Instead of giving him a flat out NO, you say your a married woman. He knows from his experience that women that say this don’t mean no, it is a not yet. Which you proved when you posted that you were going to take him up on his offer. 
 

Your husband has done nothing close to what you are doing yourself. He actually stopped going out all the time when you asked. So what is driving you? ( I am saying this so you can think it over. ) Are you trying to find something to justify you sleeping with the bartender? If not, why are you still going to that bar?

The bartender works at a bar that also has a kitchen. I do gig app stuff some days and get a lot of pick ups from there. I’ve only gone out to that bar 1-2 times without having someone’s food to pick up.  I usually wait about 5 minutes or so and we would just talk while I waited. I talk to lots of people while I’m waiting on orders to get ready. Although I haven’t really been doing this as much since this whole thing started. Paying off student loans kinda became low on my to do list. 

I don’t really like going out drinking since my bedtime is usually 10. I went out with my friend a few times thinking maybe she could hook up with him. She wanted a distraction and had said that she’s seen him before and would love a night with him. He had no desire to talk to her: 

and my husband still texts this trash girl a lot (although it is more her than him). I feel like he’s either cheating or leading her on for his own ego. 

[usa1ah]

12 minutes ago, rainfall said:

The var is here (well at my friends house) today and the gps is arriving at her place tomorrow. I’m going to pick them both up when I get off work. I don’t want a divorce. I want him and only him, but if he’s cheating I’m going to get payback. If he’s just loving the attention we will have other things to work on. 

And no I haven’t told him anything. If he’s cheating I’ll tell him I took him up on his offer after I file for divorce. 

So your husband doesn’t deserve the same honesty from you that you want from him. 
 

Why haven’t you filed for divorce already? You clearly don’t trust him. Do you honestly think you can repair the damage already done. It’s to the point you want to hook up with another man, actively thinking about it. 
 

What will you do if nothing comes back on the VAR and GPS tracker? Go back to life as normal? 

[JTSW]

Hooking up with another man would just make you feel worse in the long run. 

[usa1ah]

11 minutes ago, rainfall said:

The bartender works at a bar that also has a kitchen. I do gig app stuff some days and get a lot of pick ups from there. I’ve only gone out to that bar 1-2 times without having someone’s food to pick up.  I usually wait about 5 minutes or so and we would just talk while I waited. I talk to lots of people while I’m waiting on orders to get ready. Although I haven’t really been doing this as much since this whole thing started. Paying off student loans kinda became low on my to do list. 

I don’t really like going out drinking since my bedtime is usually 10. I went out with my friend a few times thinking maybe she could hook up with him. She wanted a distraction and had said that she’s seen him before and would love a night with him. He had no desire to talk to her: 

and my husband still texts this trash girl a lot (although it is more her than him). I feel like he’s either cheating or leading her on for his own ego. 

Just like you lead the bartender on for your own ego stroke. 
 

I might have missed it, have you asked your husband to stop contact with the pos 20 yrs old? I agree with you that she is after him. Just not as bluntly as your bartender. 
 

I understand the student loan thing as well. Good luck with that. It took 4 yrs to pay my wife’s student loans off. 

Edited March 9, 2020 by usa1ah

[rainfall]

14 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

So your husband doesn’t deserve the same honesty from you that you want from him. 
 

Why haven’t you filed for divorce already? You clearly don’t trust him. Do you honestly think you can repair the damage already done. It’s to the point you want to hook up with another man, actively thinking about it. 
 

What will you do if nothing comes back on the VAR and GPS tracker? Go back to life as normal? 

If nothing comes back on var and gps I will tell him I want him to cut contact with her completely. I will tell him we need to go to counseling and let him know (to an extent) what these past few months have done. Although he’s already seen that I’ve lost 18 pounds so it’s not like he’s unaware that something is wrong. 

11 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

Just like you lead the bartender on for your own ego stroke. 
 

I might have missed it, have you asked your husband to stop contact with the pos 20 yrs old? I agree with you that she is after him. Just not as bluntly as your bartender. 
 

I understand the student loan thing as well. Good luck with that. It took 4 yrs to pay my wife’s student loans off. 

I don’t lead the bartender on. I’ve never flirted with him, he doesn’t text me, and we don’t hang out ever. And I plan to ask him to cut contact with her if he’s not cheating. And thank you about the student loans. Lately all my extra money has been blown on “fun” stuff to help me not be so depressed. 

13 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Hooking up with another man would just make you feel worse in the long run. 

If he’s cheating it wouldn’t. I have no plans to cheat unless he has.