Am I overreacting - is he cheating?

[SummerDreams]

I find it hard to believe that this thing is going on for like 40 days and, with all the anger the OP has in a forum, the husband doesn't see that something is going on. I think that the OP just stopped sharing details the way she was doing at the beginning of the story. I doubt  there will ever be an ending to this story anyway unless she finds out with certainty that he cheated and leaves him, which I doubt she will do. She will get her revenge towards the OW and forgive her husband. Don't they say, a dog that is barking won't bite.

[S2B]

Why did you have your friend spy on him?

didn’t you hire a pi?

[rainfall]

13 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

Threatening with CPS is always classy. 
 

By all means, enjoy your revenge for as long as it lasts. Fact is, if your husband is cheating with “ms. Trash”, you will never hurt them as much as they hurt you. You will only be wasting your time and throwing away your pride by going down that rabbit hole. So, enjoy it while it lasts. It will be a short ride. 
 

Personally, I’d walk away with my head up high and my self-respect intact. 

I’ll enjoy making sure that trash girl loses everything. She destroys my life, I destroy hers. 

8 hours ago, S2B said:

What’s the update?

Last night he was where he said.  Trash girl didn’t come out. So far just video games on the voice recorder, but I’m only just starting day two. So I got a little bit. 

6 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Rainfall, let me ask this, at what point, if you find nothing, will you be able to safely feel like he isnt cheating on you? Because at this point, it almost seems obsessive. Granted, I do not think these forums help in times like this. 

Let's say you dont find anything on the VAR over the next week. And nothing with the GPS nor spying. For a week. Will you be confident in that and be able to give this up? Or will you keep going until you catch him (which could be never because maybe he isnt cheating)?

I ask you this because I have found myself doing this in my current relationship. Paranoid he is cheating. It is nothing he has done, it is my ex husband who cheated. I have trust issues. I kept looking in on him, and kept finding nothing. I was finding myself going mad trying to always know what he was doing. And constantly finding nothing. And then wondering, well he could do this. Etc. I had to jump off that crazy train. It was causing huge issues between us and I was withdrawing from him. He gave me ZERO reason to suspect anything. I had to just lap. And trust. And life has been great since. 

Anyway, give yourself a line. You will look into it for this long and after that either come to the conclusion cheating is happening or it is not. 

As for the trashy girl. There are girls like this. Will pursue and pursue. And there are guys who just brush them off. Maybe they dont really say anything because they are pushovers. But you need to tell him that he needs to say something to her. That it is not appropriate and that they should no longer speak. OR he needs to ignore her. Maybe he is involved with her, maybe he isn't and she us just trash.  

I think if after a month and the gps shows nothing and the voice recorder shows nothing I’ll start to think maybe he isn’t cheating. Definitely after he goes out of town again. That will be the true test. 
 

And you are right about these forums. It was this forum that put the idea in my head and made me run with it. It made me to start to think about all the little things and snoop and find things. 
 

when we are together it is great, and I tell myself there’s no way he’s cheating. Then he goes out or plays video games and trash girl watches him and it takes me further down the rabbit hole. 

Edited March 16, 2020 by rainfall

[S2B]

How old is he? He spends time playing video games?

Edited March 16, 2020 by S2B

[rainfall]

32 minutes ago, S2B said:

How old is he? He spends time playing video games?

43. About to be 44. Nothing wrong with video games. I love them myself (when I have the time). I knew when I started from day one when I started dating him he loved video games. But I also have played video games since I was a little girl so I don’t mind that this is his hobby and he just spend a lot of money on a nice new computer. 
 

much worse habits and things to spend money on

Edited March 16, 2020 by rainfall

[lolablue17]

I think that you are going in the wrong direction. 

You have a problem in your marriage, and also a problem with yourself. Instead of trying to solve them, you fulfill your need "to do something" by playing with electronic toys and wearing the hat of a private investigator. This gives you some fake peace as if you are fixing things. But you are not!

Your husband plays video games, and you play with the recorder and surveillance and revenge. I've read the whole thread, and until now, you said that your husband likes to go out too many times, and after you expressed your dissatisfaction, he reduced his going out. 

The real problem is that you, or your husband, or probably the both of you, are having some middle-age crisis. The fact that your husband has very little willingness to hang out with you, or spending time with you is a problem that won't be solved with any recorder or surveillance. 

[Baman]

7 hours ago, rainfall said:

And you are right about these forums. It was this forum that put the idea in my head and made me run with it. It made me to start to think about all the little things and snoop and find things. 

The title of your thread is "Am I overreacting - is he cheating?''

The forum put neither thought into your head, you already had the thoughts before you logged on.

The forum answered as best it can at your request... Yes, many think you are overreacting, and put forth the theory that yes me might be cheating but he might not be as well. The forum also put forward suggestions you did not ask for, like relax a bit, gather facts, take care of your self and don't ruin your life with revenge.

Yet you ignore these very wise suggestions in favour of running with your own imagination, plotting revenge on people who you still don't have proof of cheating and now blaming the forum.

What you do with the information you asked for is entirely up to you rainfall.

[assertives]

7 hours ago, rainfall said:

It was this forum that put the idea in my head and made me run with it. It made me to start to think about all the little things and snoop and find things. 

^This is exactly what I meant when I told you this a couple of weeks ago:

On 3/2/2020 at 2:38 PM, assertives said:

Rainfall, I personally feel you should take what others say on this forum with a pinch of salt. You know your own husband and you know what your marriage is like. I would hate for you to go from 100% trusting your husband and feeling secure in your marriage to doubting his every move because of some seeds of doubt planted in you (albeit out of goodwill) by what you read on here based on others' own personal experiences.

Perhaps you should take a few steps back, regroup and evaluate the situation objectively. I get the impression you are all over the place and getting pulled into different directions at the stuff people are telling you. Trust your gut, gather your wits and put in abit more thought before taking the next step. You may gain abit more clarity on what you feel you need to do next.

A public forum like this may be good in getting unbiased outside opinions, but can sometimes also cause more confusion than help, so feel free to stay away for abit if you feel posting/reading on here is starting to get overwhelming for you.

You have been bent on charging forward, putting alot of elaborate thought on self-destructive plans to take revenge and destroy lives. Each time posters tell you to calm down and take several steps back to think through stuff, seems to make you double down on the offensive.

I have also asked you last week if you have given any thought (as much thought as you gave towards revenge) about how you plan to come back from all of this if your husband isn't cheating and work on your marriage, but you've completely ignored that.

It's frankly scary to read that you would intentionally cause innocent kids to lose their mother, their home that they are familiar with, their way of living just because you've unilaterally decided/judged that someone else (doesn't even matter who nor do you care) would have been a better mother for the kids you don't even know just because you suspect your husband is cheating with their mother. What if your husband is cheating with another woman??

Your obsession with your own believe/conviction that your husband is cheating with that girl seems to be your driving force in all of this.. almost to the point that it seems you hope he is cheating, because you've come this far and if he isn't, then everything you've done and invested so much wrongly will be for nothing, and you would have imploded your marriage for nothing. I really suggest talking to a therapist to thrash things out and help you navigate through this. It would be money worth spending if it can help you stop self-destructing.

 

 

 

[usa1ah]

9 hours ago, Baman said:

The title of your thread is "Am I overreacting - is he cheating?''

The forum put neither thought into your head, you already had the thoughts before you logged on.

The forum answered as best it can at your request... Yes, many think you are overreacting, and put forth the theory that yes me might be cheating but he might not be as well. The forum also put forward suggestions you did not ask for, like relax a bit, gather facts, take care of your self and don't ruin your life with revenge.

Yet you ignore these very wise suggestions in favour of running with your own imagination, plotting revenge on people who you still don't have proof of cheating and now blaming the forum.

What you do with the information you asked for is entirely up to you rainfall.

She asked what people thought. 
 

there were those that she without any doubt that he was cheating with no proof. 
 

Instead of giving info of how to collect evidence to see what was going on, they said he was cheating. 
 

All one has to do is read back through the thread and pick those posters out that got her thinking he was cheating. 

Edited March 16, 2020 by usa1ah

[rainfall]

On 3/15/2020 at 4:46 PM, S2B said:

Why did you have your friend spy on him?

didn’t you hire a pi?

We couldn’t reach an agreement on terms. The pi seeemed shady. 

18 hours ago, lolablue17 said:

I think that you are going in the wrong direction. 

You have a problem in your marriage, and also a problem with yourself. Instead of trying to solve them, you fulfill your need "to do something" by playing with electronic toys and wearing the hat of a private investigator. This gives you some fake peace as if you are fixing things. But you are not!

Your husband plays video games, and you play with the recorder and surveillance and revenge. I've read the whole thread, and until now, you said that your husband likes to go out too many times, and after you expressed your dissatisfaction, he reduced his going out. 

The real problem is that you, or your husband, or probably the both of you, are having some middle-age crisis. The fact that your husband has very little willingness to hang out with you, or spending time with you is a problem that won't be solved with any recorder or surveillance. 

We’ve actually spend almost every night together lately. Besides the fact that I don’t trust him at all things have been great. We both talked about issues we had with the other, and besides ms trash it is much better.

 

I’m pretty sure my mid life crisis was more healthy than drinking 4 nights a week till 2 am. Although mine was definitely more expensive, but it was worth it. Last year  I did 10 meet and greet vip concerts things. I only missed out on 2 and assuming we aren’t locked away in August I’ll get those two off my list.

17 hours ago, assertives said:

^This is exactly what I meant when I told you this a couple of weeks ago:

You have been bent on charging forward, putting alot of elaborate thought on self-destructive plans to take revenge and destroy lives. Each time posters tell you to calm down and take several steps back to think through stuff, seems to make you double down on the offensive.

I have also asked you last week if you have given any thought (as much thought as you gave towards revenge) about how you plan to come back from all of this if your husband isn't cheating and work on your marriage, but you've completely ignored that.

It's frankly scary to read that you would intentionally cause innocent kids to lose their mother, their home that they are familiar with, their way of living just because you've unilaterally decided/judged that someone else (doesn't even matter who nor do you care) would have been a better mother for the kids you don't even know just because you suspect your husband is cheating with their mother. What if your husband is cheating with another woman??

Your obsession with your own believe/conviction that your husband is cheating with that girl seems to be your driving force in all of this.. almost to the point that it seems you hope he is cheating, because you've come this far and if he isn't, then everything you've done and invested so much wrongly will be for nothing, and you would have imploded your marriage for nothing. I really suggest talking to a therapist to thrash things out and help you navigate through this. It would be money worth spending if it can help you stop self-destructing.

 

 

 

And it’s scary how you think a kid (under 3) should grow Up with a crack dealer baby sitting. 

8 hours ago, usa1ah said:

She asked what people thought. 
 

there were those that she without any doubt that he was cheating with no proof. 
 

Instead of giving info of how to collect evidence to see what was going on, they said he was cheating. 
 

All one has to do is read back through the thread and pick those posters out that got her thinking he was cheating. 

This ^^^^^^^^^^ 100000% 

 

 

Edited March 17, 2020 by rainfall

[assertives]

2 hours ago, rainfall said:

And it’s scary how you think a kid (under 3) should grow Up with a crack dealer baby sitting. 

I didn't say anything of that sort. It's a narrative you added on your own. If you truly cared about that under 3 year kid, have objective evidence that the kid is growing up under horrible conditions, you should have called cps regardless of whether you managed to determine if your husband is 1) cheating and or 2) cheating with her.

[JTSW]

Op i think you have become unwell.

Early on in the thread you were pretty level headed, but now you have become somewhat bitter and revenge driven.

It is not healthy and you seemed to have lost focus.

You are more intent on pushing this other woman than your husband, but he is more to blame if there is something going on.

You are so intent on hurting this other woman by having her child taken away from her for your own satisfaction but you're not thinking of what you will be doing to the child.

He/she is only 3 years old and would be terrified being taken away from his/her mother and placed with strangers.

Yes, i agree, the environment the child is living in is not good, but he/she may not see any of that going on.

He/she wont even understand at that age.

I strongly urge you to take a step back and think on this one. 

You wouldn't just be hurting this woman, you'd be hurting her small child.

 

 

[rainfall]

23 hours ago, assertives said:

I didn't say anything of that sort. It's a narrative you added on your own. If you truly cared about that under 3 year kid, have objective evidence that the kid is growing up under horrible conditions, you should have called cps regardless of whether you managed to determine if your husband is 1) cheating and or 2) cheating with her.

I’ve never meet the kid. I honestly don’t care either way, but if she’s going to take the most important thing in my life I was going to return the favor. the more I think about it I know my husband doesn’t like kids and this would ensure they would never actually be together if we did split up. And yes I’m 1000% sure he would never be with a woman who had a kid. (A serious relationship). He likes the freedom that comes with no kids. 

so as long as she has the kid she would never be anything meaningful to him. I’ll still divorce him and get revenge on her, but I’ll find other ways. 
 

Still nothing on the gps, but now isn’t exactly the time when people are going out. So we will see I guess. Things with us have been amazing lately, and I want to know he didn’t cheat. Part of me thinks he just loved the attention and part of me still thinks he was cheating. I’ll figure it out soon. 

[Negotaurus]

2 hours ago, rainfall said:

I’ve never meet the kid. I honestly don’t care either way, but if she’s going to take the most important thing in my life I was going to return the favor. the more I think about it I know my husband doesn’t like kids and this would ensure they would never actually be together if we did split up. And yes I’m 1000% sure he would never be with a woman who had a kid. (A serious relationship). He likes the freedom that comes with no kids. 

so as long as she has the kid she would never be anything meaningful to him. I’ll still divorce him and get revenge on her, but I’ll find other ways. 
 

Still nothing on the gps, but now isn’t exactly the time when people are going out. So we will see I guess. Things with us have been amazing lately, and I want to know he didn’t cheat. Part of me thinks he just loved the attention and part of me still thinks he was cheating. I’ll figure it out soon. 

Taking a child away from a mother as revenge. Wow. Incredibly vile. 
Half of the things you say on this thread are not confirmed as truth, how on Earth do you have such insight that the child is living with a crackhead? What third party did you hear that from? It’s just an excuse. It’s obvious you don’t care about the child, we all see that. Have some class and don’t threaten to take away a CHILD from its MOTHER as revenge. That is HORRIBLE. 

Edited March 18, 2020 by Negotaurus

[JTSW]

3 hours ago, rainfall said:

I’ve never meet the kid. I honestly don’t care either way

OP get help.

Even if your husband isn't having an affair, he might walk away from this cold heartless behavior of yours.

No-one should EVER do that to a small child just out of revenge.

That's just sick.

[assertives]

Oh we know you don't care. That much is clear. That innocent 3 year old kid is just a tool in your revenge plans which is the part that was scary.

Thing is, you think are doing this to "destroy" that woman's life assuming she'll be miserable or devastated. What if she doesn't care if her kid was taken away by cps and is.. actually happy because it's one burden less? I mean, you said she's "trash". Your revenge isn't going to feel that good anymore if she's happy the kid's gone. And.. with the kid gone, wouldn't that negate that "he'll never be with a woman who has a kid" part? 

Anyway, you are not thinking straight, and all your posts have spiralled into several pages of incoherent and warped thoughts. You honestly need help and seriously seriously consider the steps you are going to take if you "still want to spend the rest of your life with your husband" when you continue to find no evidence of him cheating.

[Negotaurus]

3 hours ago, assertives said:

Oh we know you don't care. That much is clear. That innocent 3 year old kid is just a tool in your revenge plans which is the part that was scary.

Thing is, you think are doing this to "destroy" that woman's life assuming she'll be miserable or devastated. What if she doesn't care if her kid was taken away by cps and is.. actually happy because it's one burden less? I mean, you said she's "trash". Your revenge isn't going to feel that good anymore if she's happy the kid's gone. And.. with the kid gone, wouldn't that negate that "he'll never be with a woman who has a kid" part? 

Anyway, you are not thinking straight, and all your posts have spiralled into several pages of incoherent and warped thoughts. You honestly need help and seriously seriously consider the steps you are going to take if you "still want to spend the rest of your life with your husband" when you continue to find no evidence of him cheating.

Even if the mum is heartbroken and the OP gets to hurt people, she will have to spend the rest of her life knowing that she was willing to drop so low for revenge. She lets her husband and another woman completely destroy her dignity and turn her into a heartless monster. She will only hurt herself further if she goes through with her threats.. Terribly sad. 

[rainfall]

8 hours ago, assertives said:

Oh we know you don't care. That much is clear. That innocent 3 year old kid is just a tool in your revenge plans which is the part that was scary.

Thing is, you think are doing this to "destroy" that woman's life assuming she'll be miserable or devastated. What if she doesn't care if her kid was taken away by cps and is.. actually happy because it's one burden less? I mean, you said she's "trash". Your revenge isn't going to feel that good anymore if she's happy the kid's gone. And.. with the kid gone, wouldn't that negate that "he'll never be with a woman who has a kid" part? 

Anyway, you are not thinking straight, and all your posts have spiralled into several pages of incoherent and warped thoughts. You honestly need help and seriously seriously consider the steps you are going to take if you "still want to spend the rest of your life with your husband" when you continue to find no evidence of him cheating.

I already said I’m going to leave the kid with her. Let her know she’ll never truly have my husband (even if we don’t work out). I have other ways to get revenge.  If it’s just her chasing him then I’m going to only worry about revenge on her. The stuff some of you people would allow others to do to you with no problem amazes me. 

[rainfall]

The way I see it, I only get one life. If someone destroys mine it is my right to return the favor as long as I don’t break the law. Thankfully from what I hear she’s on the path to destroying her own life. And I started this thread and the thought of cheating wasn’t on my mind at all. It was certain posters here that got me suspicious and thinking about him cheating. 
 

but like I said earlier things have been great with us. He’s not going out (even to his friends house) so I guess I’ll keep listening to my voice recorder. Although I’ve been staying up way to late spending time with him so there isn’t much the past few days. That’s good though because I can maybe get through everything. 
 

[Negotaurus]

11 minutes ago, rainfall said:

The way I see it, I only get one life. If someone destroys mine it is my right to return the favor as long as I don’t break the law. Thankfully from what I hear she’s on the path to destroying her own life. And I started this thread and the thought of cheating wasn’t on my mind at all. It was certain posters here that got me suspicious and thinking about him cheating. 
 

but like I said earlier things have been great with us. He’s not going out (even to his friends house) so I guess I’ll keep listening to my voice recorder. Although I’ve been staying up way to late spending time with him so there isn’t much the past few days. That’s good though because I can maybe get through everything. 
 

It is also your right to choose the honourable way. 

[rainfall]

2 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

It is also your right to choose the honourable way. 

Yeah... I’ll pass on letting some trash steal my life. If he’s cheating she will have her payback. I’m not going to roll over and let some worthless girl who will never be anything in life ruin my life without getting revenge. If I’m wrong and he’s not cheating I still hate her for trying to steal my husband. I’ll work on the things with him, that let things get like this, if it’s truly just her trashy butt trying to steal a married man. I’m not going to just let her do this with nothing happening.

 Women like her deserve what they get: 

[JTSW]

8 hours ago, rainfall said:

Yeah... I’ll pass on letting some trash steal my life. If he’s cheating she will have her payback. I’m not going to roll over and let some worthless girl who will never be anything in life ruin my life without getting revenge. If I’m wrong and he’s not cheating I still hate her for trying to steal my husband. I’ll work on the things with him, that let things get like this, if it’s truly just her trashy butt trying to steal a married man. I’m not going to just let her do this with nothing happening.

 Women like her deserve what they get: 

Do you have any idea how bitter and immature this sounds?

 

[Baman]

11 hours ago, rainfall said:

 And I started this thread and the thought of cheating wasn’t on my mind at all. It was certain posters here that got me suspicious and thinking about him cheating. 

The title of your thread, started by YOU is:

Am I overreacting - is he cheating?

[elaine567]

26 minutes ago, Baman said:

The title of your thread, started by YOU is:

Am I overreacting - is he cheating?

IIRC the first thread the OP started was more about him staying out late.
Cheating was suggested by members so rainfall then started a new thread called "Am I overreacting - is he cheating?"
Threads merged into one.

[rainfall]

12 hours ago, elaine567 said:

IIRC the first thread the OP started was more about him staying out late.
Cheating was suggested by members so rainfall then started a new thread called "Am I overreacting - is he cheating?"
Threads merged into one.

Yep.... this. I never suspected cheating until it was brought up and I started my snooping. It’s why I tried to have 2 threads since each issue was different and him staying out late had been resolved for the most part.