Am I overreacting - is he cheating?

[JTSW]

9 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

He is the one who broke the marriage vows.

This has not been confirmed yet.

[SummerDreams]

30 minutes ago, JTSW said:

This has not been confirmed yet.

I was talking about the hypothetical situation "even if she is the OW".

[rainfall]

15 hours ago, JTSW said:

Then he wouldn't want to get involved with someone who does drugs then.

My take on this is, yes, she is after your husband. That's obvious enough.

But I'm not convinced he is involved with her, but i could be wrong. 

It's just a feeling i have.

Maybe you could go and ask her why she is sending gifts to your husband.

being around drugs and doing them yourself are two different things. She said she sent him a gift because “she does whatever she wants”. Believe me if I ever see her again I will have things to say and none of them will be nice. 
 

 

14 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

I hate these behaviors. What do you mean, why she sends gifts? Because she is free to do so. And the husband is free to decline them because he is married and loves his wife. None of them are kids and no woman has the right to fight with someone just because she is the wife. I find these behaviors really sad.

And I’m free to confront her trashy ghetto worthless self. If she is going to keep going after my husband she’s going to find herself losing everything. One call and she’ll lose her kid and welfare. Kid would probably be better off anyway and not being left with someone who sells crack. That’s just my opinion though. 

12 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

Do you really think that a woman who is calling this girl names for over a month in a forum to strangers and is so angry will be able to have a civilized conversation with someone who may be her husband's OW?

Other than that, she has no job talking to this girl even if she is the OW. Her problem is with her husband, he is the one who broke the marriage vows. This girl is not innocent of course but she has less responsibility than the husband.

Nope nothing about our conversation will be civil. I will say everything I am thinking about her trashy self and smile as I watch her lose her kid and her welfare. 

5 hours ago, S2B said:

Have you found out any new info OP?

Nope. He hasn’t gone out since the gps has been on. Well he did last night, but it was to a neighbors house and he walked there and walked home. Today is the first day I got the gps working. So so far he’s gone to work, the store, and the bank. We will see next time he takes his car out. And on the voice recorder it’s a lot of him talking to a bunch of people while he plays video games. Although I still have probably 10 hours or so I need to go through. I didn’t realize how much I’d actually have, and finding time to listen is difficult since I can’t really listen when he’s home. I don’t want to pass up anything since I don’t know what I could miss. 
 

and I know he didn’t come back for his car because I stayed up until he got home and could see his car from the window. And she doesn’t even know how to drive so it’s not like she could come get him. I believe he was where he said he was last night. 

Edited March 14, 2020 by rainfall

[schlumpy]

43 minutes ago, rainfall said:

 

 I believe he was where he said he was last night. 

Seems like you said that rather grudgingly.

Shouldn't he get a mark on the plus side of the ledger?

And did you listen to that song while relaxed with your eyes closed?

[rainfall]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

Seems like you said that rather grudgingly.

Shouldn't he get a mark on the plus side of the ledger?

And did you listen to that song while relaxed with your eyes closed?

I haven’t relaxed since this crap started. 

[rainfall]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

Seems like you said that rather grudgingly.

Shouldn't he get a mark on the plus side of the ledger?

And did you listen to that song while relaxed with your eyes closed?

And what would the mark be for? Not going out but once this week, making me sleep 2-3 hours a night, not caring that I’m below 100 pounds now (All he does is mention how ive lost weight), making me spend all my free time listing to hours of him playing video games. I can’t skip thru any of it because I could miss something. Every night there is more stuff added and I’ll never get thru all of it. 
 

I don’t know if I’ll ever trust him again, even if he’s not cheating. We got into a huge fight 5 years ago about me talking to an old male friend , to tell him I was sorry his mother had passed away. The friend said thank you and mentioned something about how we used to have fun watching bad horror movies and eating junk food all night. I said yeah those were some fun nights in another life we could do that again. (We are both married and I know my husband wouldn’t want me hanging out with a guy watching movies all night and his wife is the same) 

big difference is I hadn’t talked to his guy in over 10 years. We were Facebook friends, but had never so much as liked anything the other posted or messaged. I saw he posted his mom had passed away and I felt I should tell him I was sorry because that’s the decent thing to do when someone posts their mom died on Facebook.

[schlumpy]

Here's another suggestion you can beat me over the head with.

Many video games have co-op modes where more than one person can play. Have you ever thought about joining him? 

Years ago when I had a PlayStation it had a game called Baldur's Gate. There was a two player mode and I talked my wife, who had and still has little interest in computer gaming, into giving it a try. As we worked are way through the various levels she became involved. She suffered one grisly death after another as we slogged our way towards the goal. I became more interested and entertained by her erstwhile attempts at vengeance and cries of frustration as she ended up on the point of a sword or got cooked by a wayward spell. We were having a great time, although I'm not sure an outside observer would have remarked the same.

The point is my wife still brings up those evenings ever so often and we laugh about it. It was small thing but it brought us closer together.

 

[rainfall]

10 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Here's another suggestion you can beat me over the head with.

Many video games have co-op modes where more than one person can play. Have you ever thought about joining him? 

Years ago when I had a PlayStation it had a game called Baldur's Gate. There was a two player mode and I talked my wife, who had and still has little interest in computer gaming, into giving it a try. As we worked are way through the various levels she became involved. She suffered one grisly death after another as we slogged our way towards the goal. I became more interested and entertained by her erstwhile attempts at vengeance and cries of frustration as she ended up on the point of a sword or got cooked by a wayward spell. We were having a great time, although I'm not sure an outside observer would have remarked the same.

The point is my wife still brings up those evenings ever so often and we laugh about it. It was small thing but it brought us closer together.

 

We actually do play games together. I just can't stay up until 3-4 in the morning since I have to get up early for work. And I think I remember Baldur's Gate. I don't think I ever did the two player mode. I am going to have to go and look through all of the old playstation games now. If it is that game I am thinking of it was a lot of fun.

[mark clemson]

Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes!

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)

[rainfall]

Well I guess tonight will be a test. He went out with a friend (supposedly one male only). We will see what the gps says. I still sat outside the trash girls place with my friend for 45 minutes to make sure she didn’t leave. I didn’t go because I’ve only slept 9 hours since the past 4 days and almost got Into 4 wrecks today, so I’m going to chug zzzquil and let the gps work. 
 

plus my friend is going out to where he is with her husband, and my husband has never meet her so this will be a nice way to have someone watch him, and have gps tell me if he goes anywhere else. 
 

so far she’s just texted me that she’s there and it is just him and another guy. It’s still early though so I guess I’ll see. 
 

I already showed her a picture of trash girl so she knows what to look for. There is one girl that might be going. She’s an on/off fling for the other guy though so I’m not worried about her: 

 

still nothing on the voice recorder, but I’m still only on day two. I’m going to start doing my gig side jobs more and I’ll listen to it then. It just is sad if I do this I’ll have to give up time with my husband, but this is going to kill me if I keep going on like this. I weighed myself today and I’m at 97 pounds. I’m short so it’s not completely terrible, but it’s still not good. 
 

hopefully I can sleep, but I see myself texting my friend all night for updates. 

[mark clemson]

BTW,  @rainfall, this is just my opinion, but I think you should proceed with extreme caution with these endeavors of yours. It sounds very much like you are putting your health and safety at risk. You may also be putting your marriage at risk, since if your husband discovers your "spying" he may decide to divorce, whether he cheated or no.

Whatever discoveries you may or may not make are probably not going to be worth it, unless you can make them safely (in terms of your health, safety, and marriage). I suggest you consider your path forward from here extremely carefully. Finding out whether he cheated or not probably isn't worth risking your safety in a car accident for.

[rainfall]

8 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

BTW,  @rainfall, this is just my opinion, but I think you should proceed with extreme caution with these endeavors of yours. It sounds very much like you are putting your health and safety at risk. You may also be putting your marriage at risk, since if your husband discovers your "spying" he may decide to divorce, whether he cheated or no.

Whatever discoveries you may or may not make are probably not going to be worth it, unless you can make them safely (in terms of your health, safety, and marriage). I suggest you consider your path forward from here extremely carefully. Finding out whether he cheated or not probably isn't worth risking your safety in a car accident for.

I am not going to be able to sleep until I know he isn't cheating. I am always exhausted all day, but at night I get so worked up because I am wondering if he is going to go out and if he is going to talk to trash girl all night. It keeps me up, until I take enough sleeping pills to put a normal person to sleep for a month. This has completely taken over my life. It is all I think about and I will never get over this until I am 100% convinced he isn't cheating or I get my revenge on both of them.

[usa1ah]

46 minutes ago, rainfall said:

I am not going to be able to sleep until I know he isn't cheating. I am always exhausted all day, but at night I get so worked up because I am wondering if he is going to go out and if he is going to talk to trash girl all night. It keeps me up, until I take enough sleeping pills to put a normal person to sleep for a month. This has completely taken over my life. It is all I think about and I will never get over this until I am 100% convinced he isn't cheating or I get my revenge on both of them.

Please go see a counselor. Let them give you something to take the edge off. 

[rainfall]

15 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

Please go see a counselor. Let them give you something to take the edge off. 

I have anxiety meds already so not much else they can give me 

[Negotaurus]

On 3/13/2020 at 3:30 AM, rainfall said:

She knows he has a wife. Only a pos little trash girl would go after a married man. And my husband won’t be sparred in my revenge. His will just be different. His will be more of a insurance and money  blow and taking away his cats and dog. Trash girl will get a visit from cps for openly admitting she lets a drug dealer baby sit her kid and the welfare office will be calling her because she is on drugs and does other illegal things with her free money. 

I’m not going to physical harm her. It might actually be better for her kid if it is taken out of the drug filled environment it is in now. 

Threatening with CPS is always classy. 
 

By all means, enjoy your revenge for as long as it lasts. Fact is, if your husband is cheating with “ms. Trash”, you will never hurt them as much as they hurt you. You will only be wasting your time and throwing away your pride by going down that rabbit hole. So, enjoy it while it lasts. It will be a short ride. 
 

Personally, I’d walk away with my head up high and my self-respect intact. 

[pepperbird]

On 3/10/2020 at 1:19 PM, SummerDreams said:

Other women will always exist. The point is to have a good relationship with trust and good communication with our partner so we are sure they won't cheat.

this is a really good point

[Starswillshine]

Rainfall, let me ask this, at what point, if you find nothing, will you be able to safely feel like he isnt cheating on you? Because at this point, it almost seems obsessive. Granted, I do not think these forums help in times like this. 

Let's say you dont find anything on the VAR over the next week. And nothing with the GPS nor spying. For a week. Will you be confident in that and be able to give this up? Or will you keep going until you catch him (which could be never because maybe he isnt cheating)?

I ask you this because I have found myself doing this in my current relationship. Paranoid he is cheating. It is nothing he has done, it is my ex husband who cheated. I have trust issues. I kept looking in on him, and kept finding nothing. I was finding myself going mad trying to always know what he was doing. And constantly finding nothing. And then wondering, well he could do this. Etc. I had to jump off that crazy train. It was causing huge issues between us and I was withdrawing from him. He gave me ZERO reason to suspect anything. I had to just lap. And trust. And life has been great since. 

Anyway, give yourself a line. You will look into it for this long and after that either come to the conclusion cheating is happening or it is not. 

As for the trashy girl. There are girls like this. Will pursue and pursue. And there are guys who just brush them off. Maybe they dont really say anything because they are pushovers. But you need to tell him that he needs to say something to her. That it is not appropriate and that they should no longer speak. OR he needs to ignore her. Maybe he is involved with her, maybe he isn't and she us just trash.  

[SummerDreams]

I find it hard to believe that this thing is going on for like 40 days and, with all the anger the OP has in a forum, the husband doesn't see that something is going on. I think that the OP just stopped sharing details the way she was doing at the beginning of the story. I doubt  there will ever be an ending to this story anyway unless she finds out with certainty that he cheated and leaves him, which I doubt she will do. She will get her revenge towards the OW and forgive her husband. Don't they say, a dog that is barking won't bite.

[rainfall]

13 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

Threatening with CPS is always classy. 
 

By all means, enjoy your revenge for as long as it lasts. Fact is, if your husband is cheating with “ms. Trash”, you will never hurt them as much as they hurt you. You will only be wasting your time and throwing away your pride by going down that rabbit hole. So, enjoy it while it lasts. It will be a short ride. 
 

Personally, I’d walk away with my head up high and my self-respect intact. 

I’ll enjoy making sure that trash girl loses everything. She destroys my life, I destroy hers. 

8 hours ago, S2B said:

What’s the update?

Last night he was where he said.  Trash girl didn’t come out. So far just video games on the voice recorder, but I’m only just starting day two. So I got a little bit. 

6 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Rainfall, let me ask this, at what point, if you find nothing, will you be able to safely feel like he isnt cheating on you? Because at this point, it almost seems obsessive. Granted, I do not think these forums help in times like this. 

Let's say you dont find anything on the VAR over the next week. And nothing with the GPS nor spying. For a week. Will you be confident in that and be able to give this up? Or will you keep going until you catch him (which could be never because maybe he isnt cheating)?

I ask you this because I have found myself doing this in my current relationship. Paranoid he is cheating. It is nothing he has done, it is my ex husband who cheated. I have trust issues. I kept looking in on him, and kept finding nothing. I was finding myself going mad trying to always know what he was doing. And constantly finding nothing. And then wondering, well he could do this. Etc. I had to jump off that crazy train. It was causing huge issues between us and I was withdrawing from him. He gave me ZERO reason to suspect anything. I had to just lap. And trust. And life has been great since. 

Anyway, give yourself a line. You will look into it for this long and after that either come to the conclusion cheating is happening or it is not. 

As for the trashy girl. There are girls like this. Will pursue and pursue. And there are guys who just brush them off. Maybe they dont really say anything because they are pushovers. But you need to tell him that he needs to say something to her. That it is not appropriate and that they should no longer speak. OR he needs to ignore her. Maybe he is involved with her, maybe he isn't and she us just trash.  

I think if after a month and the gps shows nothing and the voice recorder shows nothing I’ll start to think maybe he isn’t cheating. Definitely after he goes out of town again. That will be the true test. 
 

And you are right about these forums. It was this forum that put the idea in my head and made me run with it. It made me to start to think about all the little things and snoop and find things. 
 

when we are together it is great, and I tell myself there’s no way he’s cheating. Then he goes out or plays video games and trash girl watches him and it takes me further down the rabbit hole. 

Edited March 16, 2020 by rainfall

[rainfall]

32 minutes ago, S2B said:

How old is he? He spends time playing video games?

43. About to be 44. Nothing wrong with video games. I love them myself (when I have the time). I knew when I started from day one when I started dating him he loved video games. But I also have played video games since I was a little girl so I don’t mind that this is his hobby and he just spend a lot of money on a nice new computer. 
 

much worse habits and things to spend money on

Edited March 16, 2020 by rainfall

[lolablue17]

I think that you are going in the wrong direction. 

You have a problem in your marriage, and also a problem with yourself. Instead of trying to solve them, you fulfill your need "to do something" by playing with electronic toys and wearing the hat of a private investigator. This gives you some fake peace as if you are fixing things. But you are not!

Your husband plays video games, and you play with the recorder and surveillance and revenge. I've read the whole thread, and until now, you said that your husband likes to go out too many times, and after you expressed your dissatisfaction, he reduced his going out. 

The real problem is that you, or your husband, or probably the both of you, are having some middle-age crisis. The fact that your husband has very little willingness to hang out with you, or spending time with you is a problem that won't be solved with any recorder or surveillance. 

[Baman]

7 hours ago, rainfall said:

And you are right about these forums. It was this forum that put the idea in my head and made me run with it. It made me to start to think about all the little things and snoop and find things. 

The title of your thread is "Am I overreacting - is he cheating?''

The forum put neither thought into your head, you already had the thoughts before you logged on.

The forum answered as best it can at your request... Yes, many think you are overreacting, and put forth the theory that yes me might be cheating but he might not be as well. The forum also put forward suggestions you did not ask for, like relax a bit, gather facts, take care of your self and don't ruin your life with revenge.

Yet you ignore these very wise suggestions in favour of running with your own imagination, plotting revenge on people who you still don't have proof of cheating and now blaming the forum.

What you do with the information you asked for is entirely up to you rainfall.

[assertives]

7 hours ago, rainfall said:

It was this forum that put the idea in my head and made me run with it. It made me to start to think about all the little things and snoop and find things. 

^This is exactly what I meant when I told you this a couple of weeks ago:

On 3/2/2020 at 2:38 PM, assertives said:

Rainfall, I personally feel you should take what others say on this forum with a pinch of salt. You know your own husband and you know what your marriage is like. I would hate for you to go from 100% trusting your husband and feeling secure in your marriage to doubting his every move because of some seeds of doubt planted in you (albeit out of goodwill) by what you read on here based on others' own personal experiences.

Perhaps you should take a few steps back, regroup and evaluate the situation objectively. I get the impression you are all over the place and getting pulled into different directions at the stuff people are telling you. Trust your gut, gather your wits and put in abit more thought before taking the next step. You may gain abit more clarity on what you feel you need to do next.

A public forum like this may be good in getting unbiased outside opinions, but can sometimes also cause more confusion than help, so feel free to stay away for abit if you feel posting/reading on here is starting to get overwhelming for you.

You have been bent on charging forward, putting alot of elaborate thought on self-destructive plans to take revenge and destroy lives. Each time posters tell you to calm down and take several steps back to think through stuff, seems to make you double down on the offensive.

I have also asked you last week if you have given any thought (as much thought as you gave towards revenge) about how you plan to come back from all of this if your husband isn't cheating and work on your marriage, but you've completely ignored that.

It's frankly scary to read that you would intentionally cause innocent kids to lose their mother, their home that they are familiar with, their way of living just because you've unilaterally decided/judged that someone else (doesn't even matter who nor do you care) would have been a better mother for the kids you don't even know just because you suspect your husband is cheating with their mother. What if your husband is cheating with another woman??

Your obsession with your own believe/conviction that your husband is cheating with that girl seems to be your driving force in all of this.. almost to the point that it seems you hope he is cheating, because you've come this far and if he isn't, then everything you've done and invested so much wrongly will be for nothing, and you would have imploded your marriage for nothing. I really suggest talking to a therapist to thrash things out and help you navigate through this. It would be money worth spending if it can help you stop self-destructing.

 

 

 

[usa1ah]

9 hours ago, Baman said:

The title of your thread is "Am I overreacting - is he cheating?''

The forum put neither thought into your head, you already had the thoughts before you logged on.

The forum answered as best it can at your request... Yes, many think you are overreacting, and put forth the theory that yes me might be cheating but he might not be as well. The forum also put forward suggestions you did not ask for, like relax a bit, gather facts, take care of your self and don't ruin your life with revenge.

Yet you ignore these very wise suggestions in favour of running with your own imagination, plotting revenge on people who you still don't have proof of cheating and now blaming the forum.

What you do with the information you asked for is entirely up to you rainfall.

She asked what people thought. 
 

there were those that she without any doubt that he was cheating with no proof. 
 

Instead of giving info of how to collect evidence to see what was going on, they said he was cheating. 
 

All one has to do is read back through the thread and pick those posters out that got her thinking he was cheating. 

Edited March 16, 2020 by usa1ah

[rainfall]

On 3/15/2020 at 4:46 PM, S2B said:

Why did you have your friend spy on him?

didn’t you hire a pi?

We couldn’t reach an agreement on terms. The pi seeemed shady. 

18 hours ago, lolablue17 said:

I think that you are going in the wrong direction. 

You have a problem in your marriage, and also a problem with yourself. Instead of trying to solve them, you fulfill your need "to do something" by playing with electronic toys and wearing the hat of a private investigator. This gives you some fake peace as if you are fixing things. But you are not!

Your husband plays video games, and you play with the recorder and surveillance and revenge. I've read the whole thread, and until now, you said that your husband likes to go out too many times, and after you expressed your dissatisfaction, he reduced his going out. 

The real problem is that you, or your husband, or probably the both of you, are having some middle-age crisis. The fact that your husband has very little willingness to hang out with you, or spending time with you is a problem that won't be solved with any recorder or surveillance. 

We’ve actually spend almost every night together lately. Besides the fact that I don’t trust him at all things have been great. We both talked about issues we had with the other, and besides ms trash it is much better.

 

I’m pretty sure my mid life crisis was more healthy than drinking 4 nights a week till 2 am. Although mine was definitely more expensive, but it was worth it. Last year  I did 10 meet and greet vip concerts things. I only missed out on 2 and assuming we aren’t locked away in August I’ll get those two off my list.

17 hours ago, assertives said:

^This is exactly what I meant when I told you this a couple of weeks ago:

You have been bent on charging forward, putting alot of elaborate thought on self-destructive plans to take revenge and destroy lives. Each time posters tell you to calm down and take several steps back to think through stuff, seems to make you double down on the offensive.

I have also asked you last week if you have given any thought (as much thought as you gave towards revenge) about how you plan to come back from all of this if your husband isn't cheating and work on your marriage, but you've completely ignored that.

It's frankly scary to read that you would intentionally cause innocent kids to lose their mother, their home that they are familiar with, their way of living just because you've unilaterally decided/judged that someone else (doesn't even matter who nor do you care) would have been a better mother for the kids you don't even know just because you suspect your husband is cheating with their mother. What if your husband is cheating with another woman??

Your obsession with your own believe/conviction that your husband is cheating with that girl seems to be your driving force in all of this.. almost to the point that it seems you hope he is cheating, because you've come this far and if he isn't, then everything you've done and invested so much wrongly will be for nothing, and you would have imploded your marriage for nothing. I really suggest talking to a therapist to thrash things out and help you navigate through this. It would be money worth spending if it can help you stop self-destructing.

 

 

 

And it’s scary how you think a kid (under 3) should grow Up with a crack dealer baby sitting. 

8 hours ago, usa1ah said:

She asked what people thought. 
 

there were those that she without any doubt that he was cheating with no proof. 
 

Instead of giving info of how to collect evidence to see what was going on, they said he was cheating. 
 

All one has to do is read back through the thread and pick those posters out that got her thinking he was cheating. 

This ^^^^^^^^^^ 100000% 

 

 

Edited March 17, 2020 by rainfall