Am I overreacting - is he cheating?

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, rainfall said:

If he’s cheating it wouldn’t. I have no plans to cheat unless he has. 

Just a word to the wise, any decision to have a revenge affair or seek revenge on this other woman (who you have called every name in the book in this discussion) reflects on your character, not theirs.

As the famous saying goes, “when they go low, we go high.” You may want to consider that as an option, before lowering yourself to that level. Just saying...

Edited March 10, 2020 by BaileyB

[rainfall]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Just a word to the wise, any decision to have a revenge affair or seek revenge on this other woman (who you have called every name in the book in this discussion) reflects on your character, not theirs.

As the famous saying goes, “when they go low, we go high.” You may want to consider that as an option, before lowering yourself to that level. Just saying...

I have my own sayings that I will stick to, but I’m pretty sure they violate the tos so I’m not going to post them. I will go as low as needed to get my revenge on this pos trash. She started this and I will end it... it just depends on if he’s cheating on if I end it with telling him to cut off contact or getting revenge. 

[elaine567]

Ok but trouble is, other women only go to places they are invited into.  
If your husband is cheating, he invited her into the middle of your marriage.
He is the one who betrayed you, she has no obligation to you. She is young free and single, she can do as she pleases. 
She broke no vows, he is the one who did that.
Your ire is misplaced.

[rainfall]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Ok but trouble is, other women only go to places they are invited into.  
If your husband is cheating, he invited her into the middle of your marriage.
He is the one who betrayed you, she has no obligation to you. She is young free and single, she can do as she pleases. 
She broke no vows, he is the one who did that.
Your ire is misplaced.

She knows he is married. Only a home wrecking piece of trash goes after a married man. If he is cheating I can and will do as I please to get payback on both of them. 

[assertives]

1 hour ago, rainfall said:

If nothing comes back on var and gps I will tell him I want him to cut contact with her completely. I will tell him we need to go to counseling and let him know (to an extent) what these past few months have done. Although he’s already seen that I’ve lost 18 pounds so it’s not like he’s unaware that something is wrong. 

I don’t lead the bartender on. I’ve never flirted with him, he doesn’t text me, and we don’t hang out ever. And I plan to ask him to cut contact with her if he’s not cheating. And thank you about the student loans. Lately all my extra money has been blown on “fun” stuff to help me not be so depressed. 

If he’s cheating it wouldn’t. I have no plans to cheat unless he has. 

If you are not the kind who will have causal hook ups, when all's been said and done, your husband is no longer in the picture, and you're left with you and your own thoughts and feelings, you'll probably feel horrible about yourself. But if you are the kind who are ok with casual hook ups, then that's a different story. 

Like I said in my previous post, you need to think about what's your ultimate end goal here. Make your own plan instead of having your plans hinge on this girl or your husband. Why have so many "if he is doing x.. then I will do y." If you want him to cut contact with her, tell him now, why wait till you have evidence? Also, case in point, why does your decision to be a loyal spouse or not hinge on whether your husband is cheating or not. 

Think long-term. The stench of your own cheating will stay with you beyond this whole saga. If you take away your husband from this whole equation, you'll suddenly find what you did pointless and foolish.

[rainfall]

1 hour ago, assertives said:

If you are not the kind who will have causal hook ups, when all's been said and done, your husband is no longer in the picture, and you're left with you and your own thoughts and feelings, you'll probably feel horrible about yourself. But if you are the kind who are ok with casual hook ups, then that's a different story. 

Like I said in my previous post, you need to think about what's your ultimate end goal here. Make your own plan instead of having your plans hinge on this girl or your husband. Why have so many "if he is doing x.. then I will do y." If you want him to cut contact with her, tell him now, why wait till you have evidence? Also, case in point, why does your decision to be a loyal spouse or not hinge on whether your husband is cheating or not. 

Think long-term. The stench of your own cheating will stay with you beyond this whole saga. If you take away your husband from this whole equation, you'll suddenly find what you did pointless and foolish.

If we divorce I plan to only have casual affairs. Nothing serious. Just work, drinking, and hooking up with people will be my life. I’ll still want sex, but I’ll have no desire for anything serious.

my ultimate goal is to find out if he’s cheating and destroy her and either divorce and destroy him or get him to marriage counseling. 
 

if he’s cheating on me his feeling mean nothing and I’ll love seeing him lose everything he cares about.

[Baman]

5 hours ago, rainfall said:

If we divorce I plan to only have casual affairs. Nothing serious. Just work, drinking, and hooking up with people will be my life. I’ll still want sex, but I’ll have no desire for anything serious.

my ultimate goal is to find out if he’s cheating and destroy her and either divorce and destroy him or get him to marriage counseling. 
 

if he’s cheating on me his feeling mean nothing and I’ll love seeing him lose everything he cares about.

Vengeance is never worth it Rainfall.

Be very very very careful.

You have already lost all empathy, respect and love for this man. Look at your own words. You don't seek to DESTROY the person you love. If he is not cheating you have killed it in yourself. 

If my wife left me today, I would send her on her way with my blessing. Broken heart, but my blessing and all the help I can give her. Love means you want the best for your other no matter the circumstances. It sucks, it hurts, but that's the truth.

Be very very careful. You will ruin your mental and physical health. My ex is a freaking nut job from 20 years of hate on me just for walking away and not sleeping with another woman.

 

 

[JTSW]

On 3/8/2020 at 12:21 AM, rainfall said:

I could never get over him having sex with someone else.

But you would behave in the same way.

That's a double standard.

[JTSW]

Just now, Baman said:

Vengeance is never worth it Rainfall.

Be very very very careful.

I agree with this.

Behaving in the same way is not the answer.

[JTSW]

9 hours ago, rainfall said:

If he’s cheating it wouldn’t. I have no plans to cheat unless he has. 

It would make you feel worse.

You will feel just as trashy as that girl after.

Then the guilt will creep in. Guilt for cheating and guilt for using that other guy.

This is not the way to go.

Edited March 10, 2020 by JTSW

[JTSW]

5 hours ago, rainfall said:

My ultimate goal is to find out if he’s cheating and destroy her and either divorce and destroy him

It wont change anything though and it's not a permanent fix.

Whatever you do to hurt or humiliate them will not be forever.

If they are having an affair then they will still be together regardless (if that is what they want).

Edited March 10, 2020 by JTSW

[schlumpy]

Rainfall you can feel anyway you want and take revenge on those that have wronged you.

My only concern is for you to come out of this snake pit with your life intact. You are allowing events that are outside your control to reorganize your reality. I understand. It's to protect yourself but it can also unearth characteristics from your past that you had put away. Your return to smoking and drinking is a marker.

Whatever the outcome of your investigation, try your best not to let it destroy the parts of your personality that you will need sometime in the future to rebuild your life. Retain your compassion even if you have to keep it in a box for short while. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Rainfall you can feel anyway you want and take revenge on those that have wronged you.

With respect, no she does not. Having a revenge affair is one thing, but she needs to be cautious about how she chooses to “destroy” these people, lest she find herself in trouble with the law. 

[vla1120]

15 hours ago, rainfall said:

I will go as low as needed to get my revenge on this pos trash.

You're not getting revenge on her AT ALL. In fact, you'll be giving your husband a green light to sleep with the other woman. She will only find enjoyment in your behavior.

12 hours ago, rainfall said:

my ultimate goal is to find out if he’s cheating and destroy her and either divorce and destroy him or get him to marriage counseling. 
 

if he’s cheating on me his feeling mean nothing and I’ll love seeing him lose everything he cares about.

You are not handling this entire thing properly. Either way, whether he has cheated or not, your marriage was already in trouble. You need to concentrate your efforts on THAT and seek marriage counseling right now and stop with this childish (but diabolical) revenge plan. Adults who love another human being do not seek to destroy their lives. Period.

Also, this does not bode well for your character. If this is how petty and vindictive you are in your every day life, then maybe THAT is why your husband is not communicating with you to the extent you wish. 

I must say, I am disappointed. I can see from your postings that you are an intelligent woman. Do not lower yourself to this type of behavior. If you do, it will only prove that you NEVER really loved your husband.

[SummerDreams]

Other women will always exist. The point is to have a good relationship with trust and good communication with our partner so we are sure they won't cheat.

[S2B]

I’m thinking he hasn’t gone out much lately  because he realizes you are suspicious.

he is on his best behavior because he knows you are paying close attention.

[rainfall]

On 3/10/2020 at 4:20 AM, Baman said:

Vengeance is never worth it Rainfall.

Be very very very careful.

You have already lost all empathy, respect and love for this man. Look at your own words. You don't seek to DESTROY the person you love. If he is not cheating you have killed it in yourself. 

If my wife left me today, I would send her on her way with my blessing. Broken heart, but my blessing and all the help I can give her. Love means you want the best for your other no matter the circumstances. It sucks, it hurts, but that's the truth.

Be very very careful. You will ruin your mental and physical health. My ex is a freaking nut job from 20 years of hate on me just for walking away and not sleeping with another woman.

 

 

To me it would be worth it 100%. I love my husband and I don't want to lose him to the pos trash little girl.

On 3/10/2020 at 8:44 AM, BaileyB said:

With respect, no she does not. Having a revenge affair is one thing, but she needs to be cautious about how she chooses to “destroy” these people, lest she find herself in trouble with the law. 

Everything I have planned is legal. I am not going to do anything illegal. I just think certain places would like to know what kinds of things this girl actually does. (her job . apartment complex . welfare office)

 

 

Day one of my voice recorder had nothing on it. I did stay up way late last night so IDK if that is why. GPS is going on tonight or tomorrow AM. I didn't get a chance to place it without him knowing something was going on.

[assertives]

So... have you thought about how you are going to come back or come down from all these adrenaline highs if/when you find out he did not cheat? And also, how long are you planning on  tracking him assuming you find nothing for weeks or months on end? How are planning to rein in all your emotions and work on your marriage?

You seem to have given alot of elaborate/well thought out plans to destroy everything if he's cheating, and have described in detail on here, but as for "reconciliation" in case he isn't cheating, you only made a cursory mention about going to MC and even then, you vacillate from scorched earth still wanting answers for the questionable s*** you've found to not being able to confront him because you are afraid you'll lose him. 

The way you seem to be going about this sounds like you've already decided the marriage is down regardless if you found anything or not.

[schlumpy]

Rainfall,

There's a song on Youtube by Secret Garden. It's called "Sleepsong." Every day I want you to relax and listen to it. Every day! 

[Negotaurus]

9 hours ago, rainfall said:

To me it would be worth it 100%. I love my husband and I don't want to lose him to the pos trash little girl.

Why are you so hateful towards "ms. Trash"? You realise that if your husband is having an affair, he is the one responsible as ladies with no boundaries tend to go where they're invited? 

She doesn't control your husband nor have any secret "seduction" powers. 

Edited March 12, 2020 by Negotaurus

[SummerDreams]

2 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

Why are you so hateful towards "ms. Trash"?

Because it's easier to be mad to a stranger than to her husband. Easy psychology. If she gets mad to her husband, she will have to face her own faults and wrongs in the relationship and she will have to face that her relationship is not as good as she had thought for twenty years and this is unbearable so she chooses the easy way, to be mad to a stranger.

It's like cooking something and putting bad ingredients in it and someone else coming at the last minute to add one more bad ingredient and you accusing them that they ruined the food, whilst the food was already ruined by YOUR bad ingredients.

[Negotaurus]

24 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

Because it's easier to be mad to a stranger than to her husband. Easy psychology. If she gets mad to her husband, she will have to face her own faults and wrongs in the relationship and she will have to face that her relationship is not as good as she had thought for twenty years and this is unbearable so she chooses the easy way, to be mad to a stranger.

It's like cooking something and putting bad ingredients in it and someone else coming at the last minute to add one more bad ingredient and you accusing them that they ruined the food, whilst the food was already ruined by YOUR bad ingredients.

Yes and in my post I also explained why the easiest way doesn't make sense in this case. Yes it hurts. But it isn't smart to direct all the anger at the wrong place. At one point the OP has to get rational about this, and yes I know how hard that is. But her spewing hate isn't helping her.

Edited March 12, 2020 by Negotaurus

[schlumpy]

1 hour ago, Negotaurus said:

Yes and in my post I also explained why the easiest way doesn't make sense in this case. Yes it hurts. But it isn't smart to direct all the anger at the wrong place. At one point the OP has to get rational about this, and yes I know how hard that is. But her spewing hate isn't helping her.

If the steam pressure in a boiler rises above the designed limit the relief valve will open and vent the excessive pressure in an attempt to keep it from blowing up.

That's what this forum is - A relief valve.

[Negotaurus]

20 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

If the steam pressure in a boiler rises above the designed limit the relief valve will open and vent the excessive pressure in an attempt to keep it from blowing up.

That's what this forum is - A relief valve.

Sure thing. It is a bit different when the OP is openly THREATENING a person who is not the one to blame, to be honest. If what she is saying is correct then yeah, that's trashy. Just trashy. She wants to hate whom is easier to hate.

Edited March 12, 2020 by Negotaurus

[rainfall]

18 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

Why are you so hateful towards "ms. Trash"? You realise that if your husband is having an affair, he is the one responsible as ladies with no boundaries tend to go where they're invited? 

She doesn't control your husband nor have any secret "seduction" powers. 

She knows he has a wife. Only a pos little trash girl would go after a married man. And my husband won’t be sparred in my revenge. His will just be different. His will be more of a insurance and money  blow and taking away his cats and dog. Trash girl will get a visit from cps for openly admitting she lets a drug dealer baby sit her kid and the welfare office will be calling her because she is on drugs and does other illegal things with her free money. 

14 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

Sure thing. It is a bit different when the OP is openly THREATENING a person who is not the one to blame, to be honest. If what she is saying is correct then yeah, that's trashy. Just trashy. She wants to hate whom is easier to hate.

I’m not going to physical harm her. It might actually be better for her kid if it is taken out of the drug filled environment it is in now. 

Edited March 13, 2020 by rainfall