Am I overreacting - is he cheating?

[rainfall]

13 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

I would be scared of myself if I thought like you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. 
 

You’re dropping just as low as the people you’re judging. 

And I would be scared of myself if I let people walk all over me and did nothing about it. 

10 hours ago, JTSW said:

This has the potential to really blow up in OP's face.

She could end up greatly disliked for her actions and may actually push her husband closer to this woman.

I’m ok with trash girl hating me. I hate her so it’s only fair. And I don’t think he would ever want to live in the ghetto with a woman who has a kid. He never wants kids and would hate losing the freedom that a child free life provides. 

[rainfall]

9 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

It's become obvious that the OP doesn't need our advise anymore and she has made her decisions so I see no reason to repeat the same things over and over again.

I don’t need people telling me to roll over and let my husband cheat on me. Sorry but Im going to get payback on this girl. She will learn you don’t try to steal someone’s husband. 

[basil67]

What payback are you planning for your husband?  He's the one who most deserves it

[rainfall]

11 hours ago, schlumpy said:

How is the gathering of evidence working out? Anything that is tipping the scale one way or the other? Make sure you follow the evidence. Don't allow your biases to shape what you hear and see. If there are multiple explanations for what you assume is suspicious behavior then choose the simplest explanation or the one most likely first until you find evidence that points in a different direction.

It's very important that you do not allow your fears to influence what you find out.

Be scientific. Good research scientists attempt to disprove their hypothesis as well as provide evidence in support of it because they are after the truth.

So far nothing, but the going out has been put on hold since no one can go anywhere. I’ve also been staying up super late and spending time with him so she can’t watch him play video games like a creepy stalker. Last two nights she gave up and went to bed because he was ignoring her texts. 
 

nothing on the voice recorder. Have about 7-10 hours left though. It’s going to be impossible to listen to everything. 

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

What payback are you planning for your husband?  He's the one who most deserves it

If he is cheating I’ll leave him and take the dogs and cat. He’ll lose his insurance bc his job doesn’t offer it, and he’ll lose all the huge discounts we get on different things. So basically he’ll be ruined financially and health wise. He needs insurance bc he has some health issues. If he is cheating though it’s not my concern. 

12 hours ago, assertives said:

I thought part of your "criteria" of her being "trash" is because she's not working/never want to work because she can get government money? And then now you are trying to get her fire so she can live on unemployment? That makes no sense at all.

In any case, if she was really stealing, and there is solid evidence, she will get fired with or without your help. If she didn't do anything, and was just talking s***, you finding people to corroborate your lies to frame her is going to look very bad on you. Add to that "she-destroyed-my-life-so-I-have-every-right-to-do-the-same-to-her-even-though-I-have-no-evidence-my-husband-is-cheating-with-her-or-is-even-cheating-at-all" narrative is just going to make you look/sound crazy and earn you (and those 2 friends) the reputation as someone who's words cannot be trusted.

What goes around, comes around, and like you said, there will be karma. But karma is impartial and goes both ways, she will pay for the things she did, but you would too. But I guess you've already weighed your options and have decided this will be all so worth it and you'll so I guess.. good luck?

She works, but she spends all her money on drugs and alcohol and uses her government money to pay bills.  And she described how she was stealing in great detail so I believe her. And yep she’s going to get what she deserves. Karma will get her. 

[basil67]

If you haven't got evidence of your husband cheating, why take revenge on this other woman?   

[rainfall]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

If you haven't got evidence of your husband cheating, why take revenge on this other woman?   

Because she’s a piece of trash that needs to learn you don’t try to steal married men. Just because she’s so pathetic and disgusting that her man ditched her for someone else doesn’t mean she can try to get my husband to leave me. She’ll keep doing this until she does steal someone’s husband or boyfriend and I’m gonna make sure she learns what will happen to people who do that. She shouldn’t be stealing money anyways so if she is it’s on her when she gets caught. 

[assertives]

Karma will get you too, OP, but I'm sure you are more than prepared for it so good for you.

But again, how are you planning to deal with your husband moving forward? Are you guys going to get a divorce? If you guys aren't, how are you going to address all the issues in your marriage? Would you be able to trust him again and move on from this? Have you had a talk with your husband? With the lockdown everywhere it's perhaps the best time to be focusing on your marriage and your husband.

[rainfall]

44 minutes ago, assertives said:

Karma will get you too, OP, but I'm sure you are more than prepared for it so good for you.

But again, how are you planning to deal with your husband moving forward? Are you guys going to get a divorce? If you guys aren't, how are you going to address all the issues in your marriage? Would you be able to trust him again and move on from this? Have you had a talk with your husband? With the lockdown everywhere it's perhaps the best time to be focusing on your marriage and your husband.

She has it coming so I have nothing to worry about. And my town isn’t that locked down yet. It’s coming, but I’ll still be at work because my job is “essential” in a crisis. (Words from corporate). And no I’ll never trust him as long as she is still talking to him at all. I’m hooping my revenge gets rid of her though so hopefully it all works itself out. 

[assertives]

No, what I'm asking is, how are you planning to handle the issues within your marriage? Take this girl out of the picture, how are you planning to move on from this? All these past weeks of snooping and sneaking around have totally eroded your trust in your husband. If you don't find any evidence on his alleged cheating with this girl, how are you coming back from all this? Are you able to trust him fully again?

Because sneaking around outside this girl's house may yield nothing if your husband is cheating but not with her. He could be cheating with someone else too and getting rid of this girl will do nothing to fix your marriage troubles if you cannot fully trust your husband. This distrust transcends every woman he could potentially cheat with, beyond just this girl. You need to find an occasion to address this head on and talk to your husband like how he expressed his dislike of you chatting with some guy friend a decade ago.

Edited March 21, 2020 by assertives

[IndigoNight]

I knew my xH was cheating, and I was sure it was a certain woman. I was wrong. He was using the woman I was so convinced that it was (because she was an easy person to use), that I was completely blind to the woman he was actually cheating on me with. Just a thought.

If you truly believe it is her, then make friends with her. You want to see your husband freak out, befriend his lover. Works almost every time.

I also firmly believe that my xH is who chose to stray, and he is the person who exchanged vows with me. As angry as I was at the other woman, she owed me nothing. I never sought revenge on her. I figured her life choices would eventually punish her in ways that I never could. That is just me though. The spouse is who made the promise to love and cherish. The spouse is also the one who violated our marriage. The fault lies directly on the spouse in my opinion. 

Until you know ALL of the facts, it would not be in your best interest to do anything. As for ruining her life, very few people have that kind of power. Turning her into DCFS is unlikely to yield results. Whatever you do, dont file a false complaint against her, as you will ne the one in trouble for doing so.

In my experience, when seeking revenge, it tends to be more effective once the emotions have subsided, and the rational brain takes over.

No matter what you decide to do, just remember this;  it is you who will reap the rewards, or suffer the consequences. That is a universal truth.

[Baman]

On 3/19/2020 at 9:18 PM, elaine567 said:

IIRC the first thread the OP started was more about him staying out late.
Cheating was suggested by members so rainfall then started a new thread called "Am I overreacting - is he cheating?"
Threads merged into one.

Thank you Elaine

apologies @rainfall, I did not realize the above clarification.

[Baman]

I'm waiting for a new members first post...

''My wife is acting weird and I think she is spying on me and a platonic friend''...

[IndigoNight]

And just to clarify, yes the woman sleeping with my husband knew he was married. She had been to our home many times for bbqs and parties. So, she wasn't a stranger who didn't know any better. Karma paid her back. I didn't have to do anything. Her life choices made her life miserable. 

[JTSW]

14 hours ago, rainfall said:

I’m ok with trash girl hating me. I hate her so it’s only fair. And I don’t think he would ever want to live in the ghetto with a woman who has a kid. He never wants kids and would hate losing the freedom that a child free life provides. 

What I mean is, he may feel your behavior is out of order and feel sorry for her to the point where he spends more time with her. 

This isn't going to work in your favor. 

You need to wake up. 

[rainfall]

15 hours ago, assertives said:

No, what I'm asking is, how are you planning to handle the issues within your marriage? Take this girl out of the picture, how are you planning to move on from this? All these past weeks of snooping and sneaking around have totally eroded your trust in your husband. If you don't find any evidence on his alleged cheating with this girl, how are you coming back from all this? Are you able to trust him fully again?

Because sneaking around outside this girl's house may yield nothing if your husband is cheating but not with her. He could be cheating with someone else too and getting rid of this girl will do nothing to fix your marriage troubles if you cannot fully trust your husband. This distrust transcends every woman he could potentially cheat with, beyond just this girl. You need to find an occasion to address this head on and talk to your husband like how he expressed his dislike of you chatting with some guy friend a decade ago.

IDK to be honest. I don't know if we can fix things. I love him more than anything , but idk if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who thinks it is OK to have friends of the opposite sex who obviously want them. And he doesn't have time to cheat with someone else. Between work, spending time with me and his other friends , and taking to this trash girl he is pretty busy.

13 hours ago, Baman said:

I'm waiting for a new members first post...

''My wife is acting weird and I think she is spying on me and a platonic friend''...

I wish he would. I would have a few things to say on his thread.

8 hours ago, JTSW said:

What I mean is, he may feel your behavior is out of order and feel sorry for her to the point where he spends more time with her. 

This isn't going to work in your favor. 

You need to wake up. 

I don't think it is out of order to think it is inappropriate for him to spend lots of time with a trash girl who is after him. And he will never know it was me who got her fired. I am not going to be the one who reports her for stealing. Funny thing is my friend went to where she works a few months ago and told me, " man I am pretty sure this girl didn't even ring me up and pocketed my money." This was before all of this or I would have told her to report her

[preraph]

I don't blame you. In the end it won't make your relationship work out. But I don't blame you for wanting to get a little revenge and fight the situation. That's something I would have done, but then I would have only done it so that I could then have a clear head and decide when to kick the guy out. It would only be a prelude to ending it more than likely. 

 

It may be unlikely that they still have an old video however. And your friends may not back you up when the time comes. 

[rainfall]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

I don't blame you. In the end it won't make your relationship work out. But I don't blame you for wanting to get a little revenge and fight the situation. That's something I would have done, but then I would have only done it so that I could then have a clear head and decide when to kick the guy out. It would only be a prelude to ending it more than likely. 

It may be unlikely that they still have an old video however. And your friends may not back you up when the time comes. 

I’m pretty sure my friend will. She wants to go further with this then I’m letting her. She was cheated on and regrets not getting revenge so she’s this as her chance. I’ll feel better knowing I ruined this girls life. She can keep her kid, but everything else I can destroy legally I will. 
 

she said she steals enough every day for at least a 6 pack and some smokes.... so that adds up to a lot over a year. Well several thousand anyways.... so hopefully she gets fired for stealing. Especially since where she works is so slow now bc everybody is staying inside. 

[basil67]

What future is there for the child if you ruin the mother?  Is taking away all the stability this child knows worth it?   

Your plans are far outstripping any harm she's done.

[preraph]

Maybe that her child would learn that you can't steal and screw around with other people's men and get away with it. I'm sure she won't starve to death. Anyway that is not this woman's problem. 

[rainfall]

52 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What future is there for the child if you ruin the mother?  Is taking away all the stability this child knows worth it?   

Your plans are far outstripping any harm she's done.

This child has no future being raised by a crack dealer and a trashy thief for a mom that will teach it it’s ok to ruin other people’s lives. I don’t care about this kid at all so taking about it’s not going to do anything to change my mind. 

42 minutes ago, preraph said:

Maybe that her child would learn that you can't steal and screw around with other people's men and get away with it. I'm sure she won't starve to death. Anyway that is not this woman's problem. 

This ^^^^^^^^

[assertives]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

Maybe that her child would learn that you can't steal and screw around with other people's men and get away with it. I'm sure she won't starve to death. Anyway that is not this woman's problem. 

That's unlikely. The kid is below 3 years old, and OP already states she doesn't care about the kid one bit. So OP is obviously not going to stick around to let the kid know what his or her mother did to lose custody of them. OP is just going to hit and run, so even cps wouldn't have known the real reason/motivation why someone called cps, not like it matters in the grand scheme of things that would go behind the decision to permanently remove a child from his or her mother.

At best, all the kid is going to know is that their mother was dealing with drugs but again, nobody is likely to reveal this to a child below 3, and the kid isn't going to be able to understand anyway. So the kid is not likely to know this until maybe he or she is much older like when they are already an adult. But the kid will very likely grow up feeling unwanted and abandoned pretty much all their childhood at no fault of his or her own. Every child deserves parents, but not every parent deserves children.

[rainfall]

10 minutes ago, assertives said:

That's unlikely. The kid is below 3 years old, and OP already states she doesn't care about the kid one bit. So OP is obviously not going to stick around to let the kid know what his or her mother did to lose custody of them. OP is just going to hit and run, so even cps wouldn't have known the real reason/motivation why someone called cps, not like it matters in the grand scheme of things that would go behind the decision to permanently remove a child from his or her mother.

At best, all the kid is going to know is that their mother was dealing with drugs but again, nobody is likely to reveal this to a child below 3, and the kid isn't going to be able to understand anyway. So the kid is not likely to know this until maybe he or she is much older like when they are already an adult. But the kid will very likely grow up feeling unwanted and abandoned pretty much all their childhood at no fault of his or her own. Every child deserves parents, but not every parent deserves children.

I’ve already said she’s keeping that kid. My husband hates kids so I don’t want to take away the one thing that will ensure he’ll never be with her 100%. I’m just going to destroy her life and make sure her spawn knows why. 
 

I’m going to ruin her life in other ways. 

[assertives]

13 minutes ago, rainfall said:

I’ve already said she’s keeping that kid. My husband hates kids so I don’t want to take away the one thing that will ensure he’ll never be with her 100%. I’m just going to destroy her life and make sure her spawn knows why. 
 

I’m going to ruin her life in other ways. 

Her kid isn't going to know or understand why. The kid is below 3 and will likely never be able to understand until maybe at least 18 years later. And to be frank, if she's as much of a mess as you said she is, she also isn't going to be able to fully comprehend the consequences of her own actions. If she was able to, she would probably have turned her life around already or at least be working towards that and pick better quality men to begin with. So your revenge efforts would be like kicking a dead horse and likely just going to be just another regular day for her. She literally have nothing to lose because she has nothing. You are seeing/evaluating her through your own values and viewpoints. But she obviously has different ones than yours which is probably why she's even still stuck in the same cycle of mess you've described.

What you see as something of value in her life is probably not as valuable to her if at all. Only you are going to feel something, anything out of all this. And again, she may not be the person your husband is cheating on you with. You have found no evidence of him cheating, but yet, you were able to come to the conclusion that she's the OW. Which in the same vein, could also mean he is capable to cheat with someone else, anyone really to raise your suspicions and completely eradicate your trust in him to this extent.

 

[rainfall]

Just now, assertives said:

Her kid isn't going to know or understand why. The kid is below 3 and will likely never be able to understand until maybe at least 18 years later. And to be frank, if she's as much of a mess as you said she is, she also isn't going to be able to fully comprehend the consequences of her own actions. If she was able to, she would probably have turned her life around already or at least be working towards that and pick better quality men to begin with. So your revenge efforts would be like kicking a dead horse and likely just going to be just another regular day for her. She literally have nothing to lose because she has nothing. You are seeing/evaluating her through your own values and viewpoints. But she obviously has different ones than yours which is probably why she's even still stuck in the same cycle of mess you've described.

What you see as something of value in her life is probably not as valuable to her if at all. Only you are going to feel something, anything out of all this. And again, she may not be the person your husband is cheating on you with. You have found no evidence of him cheating, but yet, you were able to come to the conclusion that she's the OW. Which in the same vein, could also mean he is capable to cheat with someone else, anyone really to raise your suspicions and completely eradicate your trust in him to this extent.

 

She’ll lose her job and her home. That’s enough for me. And I know there’s no one else. I’ve checked everything and this h is the only girl who texts him 1000 times a day, and I know his routines. He doesn’t have time to see anyone else. This trash girl is the only one it could be. 

[vla1120]

Wow. I’ve been away, getting my district ready for remote learning. You’ve been busy seething with a hatred that hurts no one but you. Have you even talked to your husband about the fact that you do NOT want him communicating with this woman or it’s going to ruin your marriage? Have you asked him to block her? Have you told him the two of you need marriage counseling because your imagination is about to destroy your marriage? 

Calling an innocent 3-yr-old child her “spawn” is insulting and cruel. 

I predict this is NOT going to end well for you. Hell. At this rate, if Karma has anything to say about it, you might end up with COVID-19. Or maybe you’ll bring it home to your husband with his underlying health conditions and you’ll find out in the end he was faithful to you. That would make one hell of a harlequin romance novel.

i hope you get a grip and stop this nonsense. Place the blame where it belongs - squarely on your husband for entertaining the idea of liking the attention he gets from this woman. Stop beating around the bush about it and get your arses to counseling!