Am I overreacting - is he cheating?

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, rainfall said:

I’m pretty sure my only consequence will be relief knowing she’s suffering and feeling the pain caused me. 

You need help OP. You have lost your way. Your responses are very disproportionate to the situation. 
It’s not normal to want to cause harm another person and feel no remorse. 

[preraph]

Well they may ignore it, but if they don't at least go see if what she said is true with the tape, that wouldn't be very responsible. 

[IndigoNight]

9 hours ago, rainfall said:

I told you I’m not going to make her lose the kid. I’m not going to ignore my revenge on her just bc she has a kid. Kids aren’t a free pass to be a home wrecking trash person or try to be one. 
 

She should make better life choices. Kids don’t give you a free pass to sh whatever you want. Sorry, but if she can’t find another job it’s on her. No minimum wage job calls to check references. 
 

and I’m pretty sure my only consequence will be relief knowing she’s suffering and feeling the pain caused me. 

If you make her lose her job, and welfare, what will happen? She will likely be homeless, and so will the child! 

Go confront the woman that you are convinced is sleeping with your husband. If you do ANYTHING that harms the child, by making it homeless, or no food on the table because mommy lost welfare, YOU are a worst homewrecker than she could ever be. No child should suffer the sins of their parents, yet so many do. You have a chance to prevent it for this one child. 

How about you kick your husband out for cheating? If he is cheating. At least he can fend for himself. Put the blame where it goes, on the cheating spouse. Save your venom and hatred for the man who wronged you. You have no clue if he lead her on, or if anything even happened. Get the facts straight before seeking revenge on a single mother. 

Lots of men, married or not, prey on single mothers! They buy them food, and toys for their children. Maybe even pay a bill or two. They use them until it is time to move on. It's more common than you think. Don't believe me, do the research. I have.

[SummerDreams]

The OP has not even asked her husband not to interact with this woman which would be the simplest thing to do. She behaves as normal as possible so she has a reason to take her revenge. There is zero communication or trust with her husband and she is pretending she will leave him after the revenge. She won't. 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

The OP has not even asked her husband not to interact with this woman which would be the simplest thing to do. She behaves as normal as possible so she has a reason to take her revenge. There is zero communication or trust with her husband and she is pretending she will leave him after the revenge. She won't. 

I agree. The problem here is not the other woman... who isn’t actually even “another woman.” 
Unless I have missed something, you haven’t even found any proof that they have done anything inappropriate. Which is another reason why you need to step down.

Edited March 26, 2020 by BaileyB

[Buffer]

Hey Rainfall, how are you doing?

buffer

[rainfall]

 

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

You need help OP. You have lost your way. Your responses are very disproportionate to the situation. 
It’s not normal to want to cause harm another person and feel no remorse. 

yeah... I’m pretty sure it is normal to want to harm a trash girl that is after my husband. I didn’t realize how many people allow people to just walk all over them. 

13 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I agree. The problem here is not the other woman... who isn’t actually even “another woman.” 
Unless I have missed something, you haven’t even found any proof that they have done anything inappropriate. Which is another reason why you need to step down.

I’m not going to step down until this piece of trash is out of our lives. He’s already talking to her less and hardly texting her. Now I just need her to pay for what she did to us. 

49 minutes ago, Buffer said:

Hey Rainfall, how are you doing?

buffer

Exhausted and stressed. But I’ll be ok. I’m just glad I’m working all of my jobs and able to pay my bills. Hubby might not have a job soon so should be interesting if he is cheating: there’s sooooo much voice stuff to go through and I don’t do my side delivery stuff enough to get through all of it. So I have hours and hours I haven’t listened to. GPS isn’t a thing since we have a shelter in place in my town. 

[rainfall]

13 hours ago, IndigoNight said:

If you make her lose her job, and welfare, what will happen? She will likely be homeless, and so will the child! 

Go confront the woman that you are convinced is sleeping with your husband. If you do ANYTHING that harms the child, by making it homeless, or no food on the table because mommy lost welfare, YOU are a worst homewrecker than she could ever be. No child should suffer the sins of their parents, yet so many do. You have a chance to prevent it for this one child. 

How about you kick your husband out for cheating? If he is cheating. At least he can fend for himself. Put the blame where it goes, on the cheating spouse. Save your venom and hatred for the man who wronged you. You have no clue if he lead her on, or if anything even happened. Get the facts straight before seeking revenge on a single mother. 

Lots of men, married or not, prey on single mothers! They buy them food, and toys for their children. Maybe even pay a bill or two. They use them until it is time to move on. It's more common than you think. Don't believe me, do the research. I have.

Not my problem if she’s homeless. Her ex will get custody of the kid and it will probably have a better life. I don’t know how he hasn’t tried to yet, but I don’t know much about their relationship except he dumped her because she had a miscarriage and told her she wasn’t fit to raise any kids. 
 

and my husband would never buy anything for a kid. He doesn’t like kids and has told me from day one if I want kids we have to end things because he wants a child free life. I don’t see him changing for this disgusting piece of trash. But I’m probably not going to have to even do anything to get her fired. From what I’ve heard where she works is cutting hours and she’s going to get cut off almost completely because she refuses to work weekends or nights. So I’ll just sit back and wait for her employer to cut her hours to the bare minimum so they don’t have to give her unemployment. So we will see how she does on 3 hours a week. I’ll be happy with that. Her apartment requires 15-20 I think 

[S2B]

So you won’t agree to working out at home during this virus epidemic...

does that mean you will quit drinking, smoking and start at thrash eating right?

[rainfall]

2 minutes ago, S2B said:

So you won’t agree to working out at home during this virus epidemic...

does that mean you will quit drinking, smoking and start at thrash eating right?

I like sleep so I’ll keep drinking. And my eating is all over the place since people in my town are still buying everything so I’m eating what I can get. 
 

and I’d rather spend time with my husband vs working out. I’m not going to let this trash girl Steal him. She’s going to lose everything if it goes the way I think with her losing her job. And best part is I did nothing to cause it. She deserves so much worse, but I’ll take jobless and homeless. 

[S2B]

That’s a LOT of power you’re handing over to that gal. 
 

 

[JTSW]

On 3/26/2020 at 2:29 PM, SummerDreams said:

she is pretending she will leave him after the revenge. She won't. 

Because he will leave her after her psychotic behavior. 

She will end up hurt, alone and hated by all. 

She will be the one to lose everything. 

[JTSW]

11 hours ago, rainfall said:

I like sleep so I’ll keep drinking.

I take it you don't like your health then. 

You really need therapy. 

[Paul]

@rainfall,

I think many of the participants in this thread have shared with you a common theme that the focus of seeking revenge on this other woman is problematic and is a strong indicator that you'd benefit greatly from working with a competent therapist. LoveShack.org isn't a forum for plotting out scenarios of revenge, so moving forward let's please keep the discussion away from how this other person may be hurt, and instead focus on where you stand on your journey through coping and addressing the matter at hand.

This is a great place to let out your feelings, yet I ask that you please use language that is reflective of you rather than of her. She is irrelevant here, is unable to defend herself here, and is a distraction from what's happening with you.

Best,
Paul

[Notagainplease]

12 hours ago, rainfall said:

I like sleep so I’ll keep drinking. And my eating is all over the place since people in my town are still buying everything so I’m eating what I can get. 

and I’d rather spend time with my husband vs working out. I’m not going to let this trash girl Steal him. She’s going to lose everything if it goes the way I think with her losing her job. And best part is I did nothing to cause it. She deserves so much worse, but I’ll take jobless and homeless. 

I've followed this thread and I must say rainfall, I do understand how you are handling this. Despite all the slack you're getting from some others here. I have been through a similar situation with my husband, this time the skank was a seasonal worker from Slovenia, literally hanging out all evenings in the village trying to get her claws onto a local with a nice house. With me travelling back and forth for work, she conveniently struck up a 'friendship' with my hubbies best friend and as such sneaked her way into our house for friendly get togethers with the 3 of them. Only when I was away. 

It's a different story from yours because in my case I did find out that he cheated. Only once but the skank thought she got what she wanted and kept stalking us, confronting me in the most rude and painful ways. YES the boogeyman is my husband. Yes I have made an error myself in the far past and there is a backstory to all this. But all my anger and revenge was aimed at the Other Woman. I know it is not the rational thing to do, but in such situations we desperately crave Control and Revenge. Women like her and like your own skank, they know what they are doing, they know they are aiming for men who are taken. Women among each other can become great friends, or great enemies. There is a constant competition thing luring under the surface and I find it completely understandable that you are trying to survive this whole ordeal by planning your revenge. You may never actually do what you say you will do. But just the thought of what you may do if bad comes to worse... well I completely understand that. I actually ended up threatening her with my hunting riffle when she started to leave threatening letters under the wipers of my car. In the end we had a talk with the 3 of us. She wanted answers, he had told me it was all meant as a one time thing and that she had planned to go back to Slovenia all along but then changed her plans after what happened and kept hanging round, stalking us and trying to force him to leave me. Only once he told her in her face that it was over and that she should leave us alone, did it finally end and did she go back to her home country (although she did come back 2 more times, trying to get into our lives again and again, but by then she showed her true psycho colours and had lost all her 'appeal'). Although even then she was laying on wait along the road he was driving his car in the morning to go to work, trying to speak to him in private. I had to sneak so much, following in my car, checking things, it was horrendous. The stress... you feel like you are thrown in a war zone and all your senses are heightened. Like you I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. 

Sure the bad guy is the partner here, but first instinct is to get that other woman out of your life once and for all. Yes it's true what many write here, that it's all about the husband and not the OW, that he should be blamed and not her, that its irrational to focus all your anger at her. But at the end of the day; I think it's all too human to do that. I am extremely rational, an academic working as a Dr. in a scientific field; I always was a bit bemused about women going after the OW. Until it happened to me! You cannot always rationalize your reaction in such a situation. (Like you we are together 20 years and have no kids bc he hates kids as well; people shouldn't underestimate what it means to lose your life partner when all you ever had and wanted was the relationship with the two of you; no kids to fall back on when the going gets tough).

I hope you can find out once and for all soon that your hubby is just.... dim and not so tactical when it comes to attention from the skank. I really hope your efforts will pay off and you will find out that he didn't cheat. And even if he did, there is still a way out of that. I have learned a LOT from reading here on LS about how to overcome such a situation. People like BaileyB for instance has priceless advise often, and I learned the importance of the partners full honesty, regret and willingness to do everything it takes to make things right again. Do not let your hubby turn the tables onto you; you deserve understanding and a patient listening ear, even if all that comes out of this is him being not tactical about skank and unavailable emotionally to you. You do deserve the freedom and safety within your marriage to talk to him about what has been bothering you so much, without fear of 'upsetting him'. 

[FMW]

17 hours ago, rainfall said:

I’m pretty sure it is normal to want to harm a trash girl that is after my husband. I didn’t realize how many people allow people to just walk all over them. 

It's certainly not normal for everyone.  Not actively seeking vengeance has nothing to do with letting someone walk all over you. It's about not lowering yourself to the level of the person you feel has wronged you.  When other women were interested in my ex-husband (and he took them up on the opportunities) I divorced him.  Those other women were completely inconsequential to me, not worth my energy.  HE was my problem, not them.     

Are you going to continue doing this each time a woman shows interest in your husband? If she's continuing to pursue him it's because he hasn't shut her down.  So there will likely be others.

I am fully aware no one can change your mind, I just wanted to dispute your assertion that what you're doing is normal for everyone.    

Edited March 27, 2020 by FMW

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, FMW said:

I am fully aware no one can change your mind, I just wanted to dispute your assertion that what you're doing is normal for everyone.    

It’s most certainly not. My husband crosses the line with another woman, she is welcome to have him. He will find himself single by the end of the day. That would be my “revenge.” He would find himself in divorce court, the other woman would be inconsequential to me too.

[SummerDreams]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s most certainly not. My husband crosses the line with another woman, she is welcome to have him. He will find himself single by the end of the day. That would be my “revenge.” He would find himself in divorce court, the other woman would be inconsequential to me too.

Indeed. It's so sad when women chase after other women to prevent them from "stealing" their husbands, like they can scare away all women on Earth and like it's satisfying to have a husband who doesn't want to be with you...

[pepperbird]

On 3/26/2020 at 11:11 AM, IndigoNight said:

If you make her lose her job, and welfare, what will happen? She will likely be homeless, and so will the child! 

Go confront the woman that you are convinced is sleeping with your husband. If you do ANYTHING that harms the child, by making it homeless, or no food on the table because mommy lost welfare, YOU are a worst homewrecker than she could ever be. No child should suffer the sins of their parents, yet so many do. You have a chance to prevent it for this one child. 

How about you kick your husband out for cheating? If he is cheating. At least he can fend for himself. Put the blame where it goes, on the cheating spouse. Save your venom and hatred for the man who wronged you. You have no clue if he lead her on, or if anything even happened. Get the facts straight before seeking revenge on a single mother. 

Lots of men, married or not, prey on single mothers! They buy them food, and toys for their children. Maybe even pay a bill or two. They use them until it is time to move on. It's more common than you think. Don't believe me, do the research. I have.

yeah, I'm not feeling too much sympathy for these "single mothers". There's tons of single mothers out there who don't get involved with married men.

[pepperbird]

op,

there's another way you could look at it. get your revenge by "giving" him to her. If he is cheating, you know he's capable of it and can't be trusted. Let her have him! You can move on to find someone you cant count on, and her? She'll be in the exact same place you are. She'll be the one sitting at home wondering what/ who  he's doing.
Let it/him go. he's not worth your angst and neither is she.

[IndigoNight]

5 hours ago, pepperbird said:

yeah, I'm not feeling too much sympathy for these "single mothers". There's tons of single mothers out there who don't get involved with married men.

If a woman knowingly screws around with another woman's man, she's deserves what happens. A CHILD DOES NOT. I don't have sympathy for the single mother that knowingly screws a taken man, but the I do feel sorry for the child who is punished by their parent's selfish stupidity. I do feel some sympathy for the single mom's who get lead on by men who lie about being married. Again, my sympathy is more for the child who has no say in what happens, than the adult who made a bad decision.

Happily celebrating the woman (who the OP doesnt even  know if she has screwed her husband) and her child possibly becoming homeless is classless, and cruel. The child is innocent. There are other ways to deal with a woman sleeping with your man, and NOT punish the kid(s). 

[rainfall]

But I’m honestly over her. She’s going to be out of our lives soon. I’m not about to help her out financially so she can talk to her mom or something. I had nothing to do with her losing her hours, so I have nothing to give me bad karma. I’ve never been to China so I didn’t bring that virus over here. 
 

we will see if things keep to improve with that husband. I don’t think I’ll ever trust him again, and I wish cheating was never brought up on this but what’s done is done. We have things to work on, but now I’m more concerned about not having money if everything shuts down. 

Edited March 29, 2020 by rainfall

[pepperbird]

11 hours ago, IndigoNight said:

If a woman knowingly screws around with another woman's man, she's deserves what happens. A CHILD DOES NOT. I don't have sympathy for the single mother that knowingly screws a taken man, but the I do feel sorry for the child who is punished by their parent's selfish stupidity. I do feel some sympathy for the single mom's who get lead on by men who lie about being married. Again, my sympathy is more for the child who has no say in what happens, than the adult who made a bad decision.

Happily celebrating the woman (who the OP doesnt even  know if she has screwed her husband) and her child possibly becoming homeless is classless, and cruel. The child is innocent. There are other ways to deal with a woman sleeping with your man, and NOT punish the kid(s). 

I agree with you 100 percent.
OP, if this woman is as bad as you say, are her kids at risk? If so, you might want consider reporting it.

[rainfall]

15 hours ago, pepperbird said:

I agree with you 100 percent.
OP, if this woman is as bad as you say, are her kids at risk? If so, you might want consider reporting it.

If she is really (well was since no one is going anywhere) leaving her kid with a drug dealer until 2-3 am she’s probably not looking after the kid like she should. 
 

i don’t think there is any type of physical abuse or anything like that, but she was definitely neglecting her kid and not worried at all about the safety of her child. 

[S2B]

What’s the update rainfall?