Am I overreacting - is he cheating?

[rainfall]

1 minute ago, schlumpy said:

The Sony's are the ones recommended and can purchased for around 60 dollars. If it has an operating light put a piece of electrical tape over it and make sure it doesn't make a noise by testing it out. Get some industrial strength Velcro. Some types may have an adhesive backing. Attach some to the recorder and put he other piece where you want to mount the recorder. The head rest was mentioned. Under the seat was mentioned. Another good spot is under the steering column. It depends on the car and style of the dashboard and seats.

If he has a favorite spot within the home where he makes phone calls then put one there to.

Good hunting.

I am thinking about one for our small bedroom. It is where he plays his video games at night and probably calls people. I will have lots of places to hide it in this room. Do you know what the sony one is called?

[schlumpy]

5 minutes ago, rainfall said:

I am thinking about one for our small bedroom. It is where he plays his video games at night and probably calls people. I will have lots of places to hide it in this room. Do you know what the sony one is called?

The one's recommended are the Sony ICDPX312 or the ICDPX333. 

[rainfall]

13 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

The one's recommended are the Sony ICDPX312 or the ICDPX333. 

I’ll look into that tomorrow. I’d rather do it from my computer. I found a few pens but idk how good they would be. I can’t wait until that credit card statement comes from this month. If she was with him there will be proof. Hotel rooms for one. So I just gotta wait a few weeks. I’ll probably weigh like 90 pounds and be back up to 2 packs a day but I’m not dealing with this ok. 
 

 

[rainfall]

Well I have decided I am going to have to take a leave from work. I have enough PTO to cover 4 weeks. I don't want to blow it all in case something happens , but I am only sleeping 2-3 hours a night (and that is with killing my liver with sleeping pills that I had managed to quit). I can't function at work and I am snapping at everyone and am slacking at everything. I hate this and do not understand how or why he would throw away everything for someone who is nothing but human garbage.

[Buffer]

Be strong and one day at a time.

buffer

[rainfall]

1 hour ago, Buffer said:

Be strong and one day at a time.

buffer

Oh I’m anything but strong. All I do is work all day at my real job, leave and go do my side gig, and go home and cry and get drunk and smoke (which I had quit 3) years ago. My diet is coffee and a small piece of whatever we cook. 
 

I know I’ll get my proof once I get that bill but it’s gonna be misery until then. 

[schlumpy]

6 hours ago, rainfall said:

Oh I’m anything but strong. All I do is work all day at my real job, leave and go do my side gig, and go home and cry and get drunk and smoke (which I had quit 3) years ago. My diet is coffee and a small piece of whatever we cook. 
 

I know I’ll get my proof once I get that bill but it’s gonna be misery until then. 

This what I was afraid of.

Rainfall don't take up smoking again. I'm a former smoker and the day I quit was one of the smartest days of life and please keep the drinking under control. You need a clear head. Your biggest worry is that the stress you feel will affect you immune system and that can lead to long term health implications. I understand the need to distract yourself. For a short period of time I would get the doctor to prescribe an anti-anxiety medication like Xanax but be very careful with it.

Literature is a good place to find an emotional refuge for a few hours with little side-effects. If there is a good book that you have wanted to read - now is the time to do it.

Would it not be more prudent to just have him served with divorce papers? Whether you catch him or not I don't see how your marriage survives. You will not be the same person after this is over. 

[rainfall]

33 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

This what I was afraid of.

Rainfall don't take up smoking again. I'm a former smoker and the day I quit was one of the smartest days of life and please keep the drinking under control. You need a clear head. Your biggest worry is that the stress you feel will affect you immune system and that can lead to long term health implications. I understand the need to distract yourself. For a short period of time I would get the doctor to prescribe an anti-anxiety medication like Xanax but be very careful with it.

Literature is a good place to find an emotional refuge for a few hours with little side-effects. If there is a good book that you have wanted to read - now is the time to do it.

Would it not be more prudent to just have him served with divorce papers? Whether you catch him or not I don't see how your marriage survives. You will not be the same person after this is over. 

I have so many old prescriptions because if my insomnia and still have one for anxiety. If I am wrong I don't want to lose him

[vla1120]

4 hours ago, rainfall said:

I have so many old prescriptions because if my insomnia and still have one for anxiety. If I am wrong I don't want to lose him

Rainfall, you have to take care of yourself. I know this is much easier said than done. Stop smoking at the very least. If you are going to take time off work, then I would start showing up at the bar he attends with his friends every night that he is out. Tell him you've come to make sure he does not drink and drive and he gets home safely. Number one, it will send a message to this woman that your man is not hers for the taking and that you are in the picture and not going away. Number two, since you will be the designated driver, it will keep you from drinking. Number three, it will send a message to him that your marriage is a priority and you should expect him to make it a priority, as well. 

I would also still check the credit card bill (if he usually leaves it on his desk - you might not find it there if he's trying to hide something) and get the voice-activated recorder for your spare bedroom. I really hope that nothing shows up.

Again, take care of yourself!

Edited February 20, 2020 by vla1120

[rainfall]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

What the update? Are you doing ok rainfall?

I’m not doing good at all. I caught him in a lie today. I checked the mail and there was a package in there. I left it bc I was being lazy and had to run errands. He told me there was nothing in the mailbox. I asked him why he lied and he told me it wasn’t ours so it doesn’t matter. I can’t breathe and can’t stop crying. 

[rainfall]

43 minutes ago, S2B said:

I don’t understand... was there a package for him? And he denied receiving something in the mail?

or was it a package delivered to the wrong address?

Pretty much. He said there was nothing in the mail when he checked today, but I saw the package and when I asked him he said it’s not for me so it didn’t matter. It’s very suspicious to me. I’m not sure what else I can say though without him thinking I’m suspicious (if he doesn’t already) 

[Buffer]

On 2/20/2020 at 3:40 PM, rainfall said:

Oh I’m anything but strong. All I do is work all day at my real job, leave and go do my side gig, and go home and cry and get drunk and smoke (which I had quit 3) years ago. My diet is coffee and a small piece of whatever we cook. 
 

I know I’ll get my proof once I get that bill but it’s gonna be misery until then. 

So sorry Rainfall. 
cyber hugs

Buffer

[Baman]

@rainfall You can check credit card statements online you know...if not already set up, a phone call to the bank will help you.

and as for that parcel, did you look at it to see who it was addressed to and from?

feeling for you, hang in there. I think you have a lot of people here who care.

Baman

[SummerDreams]

To be honest my biggest problem would be that my H disregards my feelings and doesn't care to be with me rather than with friends almost every night than that he may be cheating.

Edited February 21, 2020 by SummerDreams

[schlumpy]

7 hours ago, rainfall said:

Pretty much. He said there was nothing in the mail when he checked today, but I saw the package and when I asked him he said it’s not for me so it didn’t matter. It’s very suspicious to me. I’m not sure what else I can say though without him thinking I’m suspicious (if he doesn’t already) 

You are getting caught up in minutia and that is because the stress you feel. Once again confront without hard evidence hoping he will have pity on you and confess. It won't happen. If anything he will respond by being a good boy until he thinks your suspicions are allayed.

Try to focus on no more then two objectives. Discovery and what you are going to do after discovery is there is one.

You need a distraction while the evidence builds and don't sit around blowing smoke rings. That's not going to help.

Go to Youtube on your TV or computer and choose nature soundtracks. Pick one with water splashing in a brook or a thunderstorm with the pitter-patter of heavy rain. Play it in the background at home. White noise helps even you out emotionally.

Sending a hug and a prayer your way.

[rainfall]

1 hour ago, Baman said:

@rainfall You can check credit card statements online you know...if not already set up, a phone call to the bank will help you.

and as for that parcel, did you look at it to see who it was addressed to and from?

feeling for you, hang in there. I think you have a lot of people here who care.

Baman

I don't know his password for this credit card. We have our joint accounts , but I have my own credit cards as well and he doesn't know the passwords to any of them. All I saw was it was addressed to him and from Amazon market place. If it was something so secretive though , why wouldn't he just send it to his work or her house? Why risk sending it to our place?

 

 

1 hour ago, SummerDreams said:

To be honest my biggest problem would be that my H disregards my feelings and doesn't care to be with me rather than with friends almost every night than that he may be cheating.

We have actually worked this one out. Since our talk he has only gone out once for 3-4 hours. That is something I am OK with. ( well before this I would have been). Now the entire time I was thinking he was with her, but I couldn't go check because I had been drinking.

50 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

You are getting caught up in minutia and that is because the stress you feel. Once again confront without hard evidence hoping he will have pity on you and confess. It won't happen. If anything he will respond by being a good boy until he thinks your suspicions are allayed.

Try to focus on no more then two objectives. Discovery and what you are going to do after discovery is there is one.

You need a distraction while the evidence builds and don't sit around blowing smoke rings. That's not going to help.

Go to Youtube on your TV or computer and choose nature soundtracks. Pick one with water splashing in a brook or a thunderstorm with the pitter-patter of heavy rain. Play it in the background at home. White noise helps even you out emotionally.

Sending a hug and a prayer your way.

I don't know how to get hard evidence. I am thinking about just following him when he gets off work. I have a friend that lives in the area so I can always just go to her house if I know he saw me. She is one of the only ones who knows my fears so she would be OK with this. She has said she would do it herself , but she has a newborn from her late husband. So I am not about to ask her to do that with all she has going on. I will ask her if I can stop by if needed for a quick 30 minute visit. I am sure we could both use the distraction.

[vla1120]

Rainfall, there are many ways to get hard evidence. However, I have torn feelings about that issue in your case. Reading your posts is taking me back to when I was "spying" on the computer and phone activities of my first husband. I KNEW he had cheated on me. It had happened 18 years before I decided to leave. I decided to divorce him. I was comfortable with my decision, and yet, when I started spying on him because I knew he was lying to me again (and trying to take advantage of my generosity and caring nature), I became completely unraveled. It was like I was reliving the cheating experience and the pain was unbearable.

What would be your response if you DID find out he was cheating either physically or emotionally with someone? Would you leave, kick him out, file for divorce, or would you ask him to go to MC and try to save the marriage? If you would try to save the marriage, then I would skip the wondering and spying (because of the adverse affect the stress is having on you) and settle on just doing what you need to do to put yourself and your marriage back on track. 

In the beginning of this thread, you believed he would not cheat on you. Try to keep that faith (without being completely naive) until he proves you wrong. Approach him, and the entire situation, with the intent to strengthen your marriage and improve your relationship with your husband. 

The good news is that he has only gone out once for 3-4 hours since your talk. That is progress. Keep at it and take Schlumpy's advice about self-care and play white noise in the background at home. I might even try that myself!

Best of luck. Stay strong!

[rainfall]

6 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Rainfall, there are many ways to get hard evidence. However, I have torn feelings about that issue in your case. Reading your posts is taking me back to when I was "spying" on the computer and phone activities of my first husband. I KNEW he had cheated on me. It had happened 18 years before I decided to leave. I decided to divorce him. I was comfortable with my decision, and yet, when I started spying on him because I knew he was lying to me again (and trying to take advantage of my generosity and caring nature), I became completely unraveled. It was like I was reliving the cheating experience and the pain was unbearable.

What would be your response if you DID find out he was cheating either physically or emotionally with someone? Would you leave, kick him out, file for divorce, or would you ask him to go to MC and try to save the marriage? If you would try to save the marriage, then I would skip the wondering and spying (because of the adverse affect the stress is having on you) and settle on just doing what you need to do to put yourself and your marriage back on track. 

In the beginning of this thread, you believed he would not cheat on you. Try to keep that faith (without being completely naive) until he proves you wrong. Approach him, and the entire situation, with the intent to strengthen your marriage and improve your relationship with your husband. 

The good news is that he has only gone out once for 3-4 hours since your talk. That is progress. Keep at it and take Schlumpy's advice about self-care and play white noise in the background at home. I might even try that myself!

Best of luck. Stay strong!

IDK what I would do if he was cheating. A physical affair is something I could never forgive. An emotional one I could possibly consider MC , but it would be a very hard choice. I just want to find out and I don't know how to get hard evidence. It is killing me and I am so sick of feeling exhausted 24/7 from the stress of this.

[rainfall]

Now this girl is Facebook friends with the guy he went to see that one weekend. If I say anything he’s just gonna say it’s because they played video games online together. I want to ask him about it, but I don’t want him to know I’m suspicious before that credit card statement comes. I hate this so much. 
 

why would she wait two weeks to become his friend if she was down there that weekend? Why wouldn’t she do it then. I hate everything right now. 

[schlumpy]

Follow the evidence. Speculation won't get you anything except an anxiety attack. 

[rainfall]

7 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Follow the evidence. Speculation won't get you anything except an anxiety attack. 

Oh I will. I just need that credit card statement to come. If I say anything now he might start throwing it away. So I’ll act like everything is fine for now. As much as it kills me. 

[rainfall]

Well he went out tonight. Which again is within the 1-2 days we agreed on. And last time he was home early (compared to 3am).... so we will see how it goes. 
 

I’m trying really hard to trust him, because if I’m wrong then that could destroy us. But there is so many little things that just make me uncomfortable. 

[rainfall]

7 minutes ago, S2B said:

Why don’t you go down to where he is and join him? As a surprise, ya know? Show up and have fun with him.

pay attention to what’s happening when you arrive...

I would love to but I have to get up in 6 hours for work and only slept 2 hours last night. (Sick dog , hurt back, and stress) so I need to get at least 5 hours of sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day and I need to be on my a game because I’ve been slacking so much because of this. 
 

if it was tomorrow night I’d be there because I’m off Sunday.

[rainfall]

40 minutes ago, S2B said:

So you have a sick dog and issues at home and he leaves? He could be home helping and being supportive of you.

 

He hates doing anything Heath related with the animals. He’s afraid he’ll mess it up. He feeds them, takes them out to potty, cleans up any messes. He just says that I’m the vet so health related issues are all me because he doesn’t want to hurt one of them when I’m 100 times better at that thing. 
 

and yeah it’s annoying that he left, but I think we are going to have to fine tune our agreement. If he sticks to the 2 day a week I’ll probably bring up some other things: 

[Crazelnut]

Here's what I think happened: Your husband did go to see his friend ... for a bit but wasn't with him the whole weekend. This woman also went to this town, and in a pre-planned move, "accidentally" ran into them. I'll bet $ she & your husband hooked up there.