Am I overreacting - is he cheating?

[rainfall]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

Can you tell what he was spending money on when he was away last weekend? Did it seems like appropriate spending for one person or two?

can you tell if his best friend posted anything acknowledging he was there and with him? 

I can if I check his credit card statement when he gets it. He always just leaves it laying om his desk. So far there have been no weird charges, but that weekend hasn't come yet. And there was nothing on facebook from his best friend. The girl changed her profile picture to one that is in the town he was in but there was no date on the picture and no comments about it. So IDK... it could be a coincidence, but I am not facebook friends with her so if I bring it up it is obvious I am stalking her page. My good friend is her friend and let me look at her page on her account and nothing weird to suggest anything.  Only thing is she has/had some purple in her hair last time I saw her ( a month ago). There was no purple in this picture, but again its been a month since I have seen her. At least this stress is good for my diet. I've lost 8 pounds in this last week and I am already tiny.... I just have no appetite at all and the thought of eating makes me want to vomit. I've taken up smoking again... yay for me. I had quit for 3 years. So now I live off of coffee and cigarettes.

He isn't big on face book either. He only got a face book 2 years ago.... so looking at his page would tell me nothing.

 

3 hours ago, PerfectJab said:

Regardless of what is going on he should be cognizant and empathetic towards the way you feel.

Have you had a conversation with him about this? Would suggest seeing what he is getting out of what he is doing and seeing if there is something that could be done that fits between the both of you. 

Either way, I don't think it's unreasonable to feel the way you do. Perhaps it's a matter of frequency and defining with your partner when said frequency bothers you. 

We have discussed his going out and reached a compromise we both seem to be happy with. I did not even suspect cheating until I started to post here. Now I am finding so many little things that could be nothing or it could all add up to something. I wa 

40 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

OK. I await your report. I hope it isn't bad news and I wish you well.

 

ty.... I am going to have to go and see where he goes tomorrow. It is terrible weather here and as much as I want to find out I don't like driving in heavy rain. I am going to get a voice activated recorder I think. I just need to find one that won't be able to be found.

[rainfall]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

Can you tell what he was spending money on when he was away last weekend? Did it seems like appropriate spending for one person or two?

can you tell if his best friend posted anything acknowledging he was there and with him? 

I guess I should add we have "our" account and each have our own credit cards for things. I kind of have a slight obsession with concerts and I like the meet and greet with pit tickets so... I prefer to spend my side job money on that and he has his own credit card for his "fun" stuff because I would lose my mind if he spent that much of our money on eating out and drinking. It has worked this way for our entire relationship and I was the one who held out for so long on a joint account, but it makes bills easier. I'm just not into supporting a grown man's addiction to drinking every night and hanging out with people almost half his age.

[schlumpy]

48 minutes ago, rainfall said:

 

ty.... I am going to have to go and see where he goes tomorrow. It is terrible weather here and as much as I want to find out I don't like driving in heavy rain. I am going to get a voice activated recorder I think. I just need to find one that won't be able to be found.

The Sony's are the ones recommended and can purchased for around 60 dollars. If it has an operating light put a piece of electrical tape over it and make sure it doesn't make a noise by testing it out. Get some industrial strength Velcro. Some types may have an adhesive backing. Attach some to the recorder and put he other piece where you want to mount the recorder. The head rest was mentioned. Under the seat was mentioned. Another good spot is under the steering column. It depends on the car and style of the dashboard and seats.

If he has a favorite spot within the home where he makes phone calls then put one there to.

Good hunting.

[rainfall]

1 minute ago, schlumpy said:

The Sony's are the ones recommended and can purchased for around 60 dollars. If it has an operating light put a piece of electrical tape over it and make sure it doesn't make a noise by testing it out. Get some industrial strength Velcro. Some types may have an adhesive backing. Attach some to the recorder and put he other piece where you want to mount the recorder. The head rest was mentioned. Under the seat was mentioned. Another good spot is under the steering column. It depends on the car and style of the dashboard and seats.

If he has a favorite spot within the home where he makes phone calls then put one there to.

Good hunting.

I am thinking about one for our small bedroom. It is where he plays his video games at night and probably calls people. I will have lots of places to hide it in this room. Do you know what the sony one is called?

[schlumpy]

5 minutes ago, rainfall said:

I am thinking about one for our small bedroom. It is where he plays his video games at night and probably calls people. I will have lots of places to hide it in this room. Do you know what the sony one is called?

The one's recommended are the Sony ICDPX312 or the ICDPX333. 

[rainfall]

13 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

The one's recommended are the Sony ICDPX312 or the ICDPX333. 

I’ll look into that tomorrow. I’d rather do it from my computer. I found a few pens but idk how good they would be. I can’t wait until that credit card statement comes from this month. If she was with him there will be proof. Hotel rooms for one. So I just gotta wait a few weeks. I’ll probably weigh like 90 pounds and be back up to 2 packs a day but I’m not dealing with this ok. 
 

 

[rainfall]

Well I have decided I am going to have to take a leave from work. I have enough PTO to cover 4 weeks. I don't want to blow it all in case something happens , but I am only sleeping 2-3 hours a night (and that is with killing my liver with sleeping pills that I had managed to quit). I can't function at work and I am snapping at everyone and am slacking at everything. I hate this and do not understand how or why he would throw away everything for someone who is nothing but human garbage.

[Buffer]

Be strong and one day at a time.

buffer

[rainfall]

1 hour ago, Buffer said:

Be strong and one day at a time.

buffer

Oh I’m anything but strong. All I do is work all day at my real job, leave and go do my side gig, and go home and cry and get drunk and smoke (which I had quit 3) years ago. My diet is coffee and a small piece of whatever we cook. 
 

I know I’ll get my proof once I get that bill but it’s gonna be misery until then. 

[schlumpy]

6 hours ago, rainfall said:

Oh I’m anything but strong. All I do is work all day at my real job, leave and go do my side gig, and go home and cry and get drunk and smoke (which I had quit 3) years ago. My diet is coffee and a small piece of whatever we cook. 
 

I know I’ll get my proof once I get that bill but it’s gonna be misery until then. 

This what I was afraid of.

Rainfall don't take up smoking again. I'm a former smoker and the day I quit was one of the smartest days of life and please keep the drinking under control. You need a clear head. Your biggest worry is that the stress you feel will affect you immune system and that can lead to long term health implications. I understand the need to distract yourself. For a short period of time I would get the doctor to prescribe an anti-anxiety medication like Xanax but be very careful with it.

Literature is a good place to find an emotional refuge for a few hours with little side-effects. If there is a good book that you have wanted to read - now is the time to do it.

Would it not be more prudent to just have him served with divorce papers? Whether you catch him or not I don't see how your marriage survives. You will not be the same person after this is over. 

[rainfall]

33 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

This what I was afraid of.

Rainfall don't take up smoking again. I'm a former smoker and the day I quit was one of the smartest days of life and please keep the drinking under control. You need a clear head. Your biggest worry is that the stress you feel will affect you immune system and that can lead to long term health implications. I understand the need to distract yourself. For a short period of time I would get the doctor to prescribe an anti-anxiety medication like Xanax but be very careful with it.

Literature is a good place to find an emotional refuge for a few hours with little side-effects. If there is a good book that you have wanted to read - now is the time to do it.

Would it not be more prudent to just have him served with divorce papers? Whether you catch him or not I don't see how your marriage survives. You will not be the same person after this is over. 

I have so many old prescriptions because if my insomnia and still have one for anxiety. If I am wrong I don't want to lose him

[vla1120]

4 hours ago, rainfall said:

I have so many old prescriptions because if my insomnia and still have one for anxiety. If I am wrong I don't want to lose him

Rainfall, you have to take care of yourself. I know this is much easier said than done. Stop smoking at the very least. If you are going to take time off work, then I would start showing up at the bar he attends with his friends every night that he is out. Tell him you've come to make sure he does not drink and drive and he gets home safely. Number one, it will send a message to this woman that your man is not hers for the taking and that you are in the picture and not going away. Number two, since you will be the designated driver, it will keep you from drinking. Number three, it will send a message to him that your marriage is a priority and you should expect him to make it a priority, as well. 

I would also still check the credit card bill (if he usually leaves it on his desk - you might not find it there if he's trying to hide something) and get the voice-activated recorder for your spare bedroom. I really hope that nothing shows up.

Again, take care of yourself!

Edited February 20, 2020 by vla1120

[S2B]

What the update? Are you doing ok rainfall?

[rainfall]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

What the update? Are you doing ok rainfall?

I’m not doing good at all. I caught him in a lie today. I checked the mail and there was a package in there. I left it bc I was being lazy and had to run errands. He told me there was nothing in the mailbox. I asked him why he lied and he told me it wasn’t ours so it doesn’t matter. I can’t breathe and can’t stop crying. 

[S2B]

I don’t understand... was there a package for him? And he denied receiving something in the mail?

or was it a package delivered to the wrong address?

[rainfall]

43 minutes ago, S2B said:

I don’t understand... was there a package for him? And he denied receiving something in the mail?

or was it a package delivered to the wrong address?

Pretty much. He said there was nothing in the mail when he checked today, but I saw the package and when I asked him he said it’s not for me so it didn’t matter. It’s very suspicious to me. I’m not sure what else I can say though without him thinking I’m suspicious (if he doesn’t already) 

[Buffer]

On 2/20/2020 at 3:40 PM, rainfall said:

Oh I’m anything but strong. All I do is work all day at my real job, leave and go do my side gig, and go home and cry and get drunk and smoke (which I had quit 3) years ago. My diet is coffee and a small piece of whatever we cook. 
 

I know I’ll get my proof once I get that bill but it’s gonna be misery until then. 

So sorry Rainfall. 
cyber hugs

Buffer

[Baman]

@rainfall You can check credit card statements online you know...if not already set up, a phone call to the bank will help you.

and as for that parcel, did you look at it to see who it was addressed to and from?

feeling for you, hang in there. I think you have a lot of people here who care.

Baman

[SummerDreams]

To be honest my biggest problem would be that my H disregards my feelings and doesn't care to be with me rather than with friends almost every night than that he may be cheating.

Edited February 21, 2020 by SummerDreams

[schlumpy]

7 hours ago, rainfall said:

Pretty much. He said there was nothing in the mail when he checked today, but I saw the package and when I asked him he said it’s not for me so it didn’t matter. It’s very suspicious to me. I’m not sure what else I can say though without him thinking I’m suspicious (if he doesn’t already) 

You are getting caught up in minutia and that is because the stress you feel. Once again confront without hard evidence hoping he will have pity on you and confess. It won't happen. If anything he will respond by being a good boy until he thinks your suspicions are allayed.

Try to focus on no more then two objectives. Discovery and what you are going to do after discovery is there is one.

You need a distraction while the evidence builds and don't sit around blowing smoke rings. That's not going to help.

Go to Youtube on your TV or computer and choose nature soundtracks. Pick one with water splashing in a brook or a thunderstorm with the pitter-patter of heavy rain. Play it in the background at home. White noise helps even you out emotionally.

Sending a hug and a prayer your way.

[rainfall]

1 hour ago, Baman said:

@rainfall You can check credit card statements online you know...if not already set up, a phone call to the bank will help you.

and as for that parcel, did you look at it to see who it was addressed to and from?

feeling for you, hang in there. I think you have a lot of people here who care.

Baman

I don't know his password for this credit card. We have our joint accounts , but I have my own credit cards as well and he doesn't know the passwords to any of them. All I saw was it was addressed to him and from Amazon market place. If it was something so secretive though , why wouldn't he just send it to his work or her house? Why risk sending it to our place?

 

 

1 hour ago, SummerDreams said:

To be honest my biggest problem would be that my H disregards my feelings and doesn't care to be with me rather than with friends almost every night than that he may be cheating.

We have actually worked this one out. Since our talk he has only gone out once for 3-4 hours. That is something I am OK with. ( well before this I would have been). Now the entire time I was thinking he was with her, but I couldn't go check because I had been drinking.

50 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

You are getting caught up in minutia and that is because the stress you feel. Once again confront without hard evidence hoping he will have pity on you and confess. It won't happen. If anything he will respond by being a good boy until he thinks your suspicions are allayed.

Try to focus on no more then two objectives. Discovery and what you are going to do after discovery is there is one.

You need a distraction while the evidence builds and don't sit around blowing smoke rings. That's not going to help.

Go to Youtube on your TV or computer and choose nature soundtracks. Pick one with water splashing in a brook or a thunderstorm with the pitter-patter of heavy rain. Play it in the background at home. White noise helps even you out emotionally.

Sending a hug and a prayer your way.

I don't know how to get hard evidence. I am thinking about just following him when he gets off work. I have a friend that lives in the area so I can always just go to her house if I know he saw me. She is one of the only ones who knows my fears so she would be OK with this. She has said she would do it herself , but she has a newborn from her late husband. So I am not about to ask her to do that with all she has going on. I will ask her if I can stop by if needed for a quick 30 minute visit. I am sure we could both use the distraction.

[vla1120]

Rainfall, there are many ways to get hard evidence. However, I have torn feelings about that issue in your case. Reading your posts is taking me back to when I was "spying" on the computer and phone activities of my first husband. I KNEW he had cheated on me. It had happened 18 years before I decided to leave. I decided to divorce him. I was comfortable with my decision, and yet, when I started spying on him because I knew he was lying to me again (and trying to take advantage of my generosity and caring nature), I became completely unraveled. It was like I was reliving the cheating experience and the pain was unbearable.

What would be your response if you DID find out he was cheating either physically or emotionally with someone? Would you leave, kick him out, file for divorce, or would you ask him to go to MC and try to save the marriage? If you would try to save the marriage, then I would skip the wondering and spying (because of the adverse affect the stress is having on you) and settle on just doing what you need to do to put yourself and your marriage back on track. 

In the beginning of this thread, you believed he would not cheat on you. Try to keep that faith (without being completely naive) until he proves you wrong. Approach him, and the entire situation, with the intent to strengthen your marriage and improve your relationship with your husband. 

The good news is that he has only gone out once for 3-4 hours since your talk. That is progress. Keep at it and take Schlumpy's advice about self-care and play white noise in the background at home. I might even try that myself!

Best of luck. Stay strong!

[rainfall]

6 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Rainfall, there are many ways to get hard evidence. However, I have torn feelings about that issue in your case. Reading your posts is taking me back to when I was "spying" on the computer and phone activities of my first husband. I KNEW he had cheated on me. It had happened 18 years before I decided to leave. I decided to divorce him. I was comfortable with my decision, and yet, when I started spying on him because I knew he was lying to me again (and trying to take advantage of my generosity and caring nature), I became completely unraveled. It was like I was reliving the cheating experience and the pain was unbearable.

What would be your response if you DID find out he was cheating either physically or emotionally with someone? Would you leave, kick him out, file for divorce, or would you ask him to go to MC and try to save the marriage? If you would try to save the marriage, then I would skip the wondering and spying (because of the adverse affect the stress is having on you) and settle on just doing what you need to do to put yourself and your marriage back on track. 

In the beginning of this thread, you believed he would not cheat on you. Try to keep that faith (without being completely naive) until he proves you wrong. Approach him, and the entire situation, with the intent to strengthen your marriage and improve your relationship with your husband. 

The good news is that he has only gone out once for 3-4 hours since your talk. That is progress. Keep at it and take Schlumpy's advice about self-care and play white noise in the background at home. I might even try that myself!

Best of luck. Stay strong!

IDK what I would do if he was cheating. A physical affair is something I could never forgive. An emotional one I could possibly consider MC , but it would be a very hard choice. I just want to find out and I don't know how to get hard evidence. It is killing me and I am so sick of feeling exhausted 24/7 from the stress of this.

[rainfall]

Now this girl is Facebook friends with the guy he went to see that one weekend. If I say anything he’s just gonna say it’s because they played video games online together. I want to ask him about it, but I don’t want him to know I’m suspicious before that credit card statement comes. I hate this so much. 
 

why would she wait two weeks to become his friend if she was down there that weekend? Why wouldn’t she do it then. I hate everything right now. 

[schlumpy]

Follow the evidence. Speculation won't get you anything except an anxiety attack.