Author rainfall Posted February 23, 2020 Author Share Posted February 23, 2020 13 hours ago, Crazelnut said: Here's what I think happened: Your husband did go to see his friend ... for a bit but wasn't with him the whole weekend. This woman also went to this town, and in a pre-planned move, "accidentally" ran into them. I'll bet $ she & your husband hooked up there. She doesn’t have a car. She’s straight up trash. She does nothing and says she doesn’t have to find a better paying job because she gets her welfare every month and something about the government pays for her housing. Whatever that means... Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted February 23, 2020 Author Share Posted February 23, 2020 12 hours ago, S2B said: Was he home at a reasonable time last night? What about tonight - is he home with you? Idk what time he got home because I had to go to sleep since I worked the next day. I just know he was home at 3 when I got up because I had to pee. He didn’t go out last night we had a nice dinner and hung out a bit. I went to bed early (well tried) because this is still killing me. I woke up probably 10 times and he was just playing a video game. So last week he stuck to our 2 night agreement. I’m just not sure if I’ll ever trust him again and what’s sad is I could be making this all up and ruining things over nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 1 hour ago, rainfall said: I’m just not sure if I’ll ever trust him again and what’s sad is I could be making this all up and ruining things over nothing. That's what you need to avoid. Check the emotions at the door. Do whatever it is you have to do to discover what it is you need to know so that you can satisfy your suspicions one way or another. Then you either go back to your happy life or other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted February 23, 2020 Author Share Posted February 23, 2020 1 hour ago, schlumpy said: That's what you need to avoid. Check the emotions at the door. Do whatever it is you have to do to discover what it is you need to know so that you can satisfy your suspicions one way or another. Then you either go back to your happy life or other. I want to I just don’t know how to get past this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted February 24, 2020 Author Share Posted February 24, 2020 1 hour ago, S2B said: Well first you need to gather more information. check for evidence. Hire a PI if needed. You need to get evidence or rule things out. i would go that route - get more info. I have ideas. I’m talking with a pi it’s just a lot of money that I wasn’t expecting to spend. Not ok this. I’m gathering info myself. Although part of my things this is all his sick and twisted way of being an a hole. I basically accused him of cheating and he got super pissed and weird. Little things started happening after which made me wonder if he was testing me when I said I trusted him and believe him. And I did until I came here. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 OP, stop the hand-wringing and drama and FIND OUT. Why haven't you placed a VAR yet? Or followed him? Or followed her? Or gotten a friend to do it. Also, you need to take "asking him" and "talking to him about it" off the table, because he WILL NOT ADMIT if he's having an affair. It only makes him more careful if he is. And if he's not, it's bad news for your marriage. I agree with poster above -- stop drinking. You need to stay clear headed and calm to get the info you need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 Yeah I get the feeling the OP is purposely postponing her finding out the truth and it's totally understandable. If she REALLY wanted to have found out, she would have moved mountains to do so. She is just waiting for the credit card paper to be delivered to her, she will look at it, she won't see anything weird and she will remain rested that nothing is going on. It seems she is not ready to learn the truth, whichever it is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 I am not sure what the credit card bill will show. If he is at all clever he will have put nothing on his credit card bill that could be seen as "proof". Yes there are cheaters who are basically stupid and cheaters who are so arrogant they never think they will be caught, but many cheaters are very good at covering tracks. He already knows rainfall is on to him, he is going to be extremely careful now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 22 hours ago, rainfall said: I’m just not sure if I’ll ever trust him again and what’s sad is I could be making this all up and ruining things over nothing. What you are NOT making up is the fact that he was spending WAY too much time out drinking at night. He willingly agreed to cut back, which indicates that he KNOWS he was wrong. I have two suggestions for you: Number one, you need to learn to act out of character just slightly. It seems like he picks these nights to go out when you work the next day because he KNOWS you would never follow him or show up out of the blue. Therefore, next time he goes out on a night when you work the next day, make the decision to show up unannounced to observe him from a distance for a little while. Maybe you can take a nap to catch up on some sleep when he is not at home to prepare yourself? Number two, it would help if you could learn to compartmentalize. It will save your sanity, your job, and maybe even your marriage. Twenty five years ago, when I had three young children, a stressful bread-winning job, and the knowledge my husband was having an affair with my best friend, I had to compartmentalize or I would have gone insane. To this day, when I am at work, that is my number one priority and my brain does not sway from my task at hand. I'm going through some pretty stressful stuff right now. My co-workers know about it and wonder how I can be so calm and collected while life around me seems to be imploding. It's both a gift and a curse, but it's something that would help you cope, right now. There was a third suggestion, but I've forgotten it already (the downside of compartmentalization is when you "file" something away so deep that you cannot even remember what you were thinking about only moments before. 😬) Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted February 24, 2020 Author Share Posted February 24, 2020 5 hours ago, SummerDreams said: Yeah I get the feeling the OP is purposely postponing her finding out the truth and it's totally understandable. If she REALLY wanted to have found out, she would have moved mountains to do so. She is just waiting for the credit card paper to be delivered to her, she will look at it, she won't see anything weird and she will remain rested that nothing is going on. It seems she is not ready to learn the truth, whichever it is. Please let me know what to do to find out. There’s nothing on our joint account, his computer, etc. all I can do is hire a pi at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 1 minute ago, rainfall said: Please let me know what to do to find out. There’s nothing on our joint account, his computer, etc. all I can do is hire a pi at this point. How often does he use the computer? You can install a keylogger program to capture every keystroke. Even if he deletes emails, etc., the keylogger will keep track of his activity online. Also, if he uses the computer to login to his email, social media, and cellphone accounts, it will capture his passwords. You can then login to those accounts to see who he calls most often, who he is messaging on social media and email, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted February 24, 2020 Author Share Posted February 24, 2020 1 hour ago, vla1120 said: How often does he use the computer? You can install a keylogger program to capture every keystroke. Even if he deletes emails, etc., the keylogger will keep track of his activity online. Also, if he uses the computer to login to his email, social media, and cellphone accounts, it will capture his passwords. You can then login to those accounts to see who he calls most often, who he is messaging on social media and email, etc. I have no idea how to even do that. Is it easy to do? I’m thinking the pi route is best tbh. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 29, 2020 Share Posted February 29, 2020 How you doing, rainfall? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted February 29, 2020 Author Share Posted February 29, 2020 Nope not ok at all. he’s not going out as much. We are spend Time together every night, but I still just have a gut feeling he’s cheating. I’m looking into a voice recorder I found. I need to read a few more reviews and see if I can have it shipped to a friends house. All I have is circumstantial crap that if I’m wrong I’ll lose him forever, Or if I’m right he’ll deny it and have an excuse for everything. I need something 100% and the pi feel through because she couldn’t work with what I needed. plus side I’ve lost 11 pounds... although I’m already skinny so that might not be a plus. But I’m sleeping like 2-3 hours a night. Used more pto this past month then I did all last year. I hate this. I deserve to know if he’s cheating on me and this isn’t fair. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 29, 2020 Share Posted February 29, 2020 Well, I'm glad you've gone ahead and gotten a voice recorder. You need to settle this in your mind so you can be at peace. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted February 29, 2020 Author Share Posted February 29, 2020 27 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said: Well, I'm glad you've gone ahead and gotten a voice recorder. You need to settle this in your mind so you can be at peace. It’ll be here next week. My friend agreed i can ship it to her place. She just got cheated on so she’s supporting me 109%. A little scary sometimes tbh.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted March 1, 2020 Author Share Posted March 1, 2020 Assuming I don’t find anything how do I start to trust him again? Everything I’ve found is circumstantial and he could make up stories for it if it is something or if it isn’t get mad because I snooped. If the recorder shows nothing after a few weeks and the pi gets nothing, I’m going to have to try to trust him again. how can I do this when I can’t even talk to him about my concerns. If I find something concrete it’s over, but I don’t want to throw this away on circumstantial stuff that could all be in my head. But at the same time I don’t want to stay with a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 1, 2020 Share Posted March 1, 2020 17 hours ago, rainfall said: It’ll be here next week. My friend agreed i can ship it to her place. She just got cheated on so she’s supporting me 109%. A little scary sometimes tbh.... Is this the friend that goes out drinking with him too and who is single and who just split up with her bf? I am sorry but she is actually #1 on my list of potential OWs. Yes the "trampy" one with the crush is up there too but sometimes affairs are more subtle and sneaky than just grabbing the first "up for it" woman around. The wife's best friend is quite common. He confides in her about his marriage, she tries to help, she tells him about her problems, they get closer and before they know it they are in an affair... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted March 1, 2020 Author Share Posted March 1, 2020 7 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Is this the friend that goes out drinking with him too and who is single and who just split up with her bf? I am sorry but she is actually #1 on my list of potential OWs. Yes the "trampy" one with the crush is up there too but sometimes affairs are more subtle and sneaky than just grabbing the first "up for it" woman around. The wife's best friend is quite common. He confides in her about his marriage, she tries to help, she tells him about her problems, they get closer and before they know it they are in an affair... Nope. That friend is the one who did the cheating. This is a different one. She doesn’t drink, go out, and she is 100% trustworthy. I don’t think the other friend would do anything. With all my snooping I’ve seen nothing to show anything between those two. I’ve found enough circumstantial evidence about the trampy one. I just need something concrete and the pi and recorder will give me that. He hardly even talks to my friend. One of his best friends is actually into her so I don’t think he would do anything with her. I’ll find out soon I guess, waiting on the pi to email me back if my dates and times work and then my recorder. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted March 1, 2020 Share Posted March 1, 2020 1 hour ago, rainfall said: Assuming I don’t find anything how do I start to trust him again? You do that by taking responsibility for your actions. You are doing this to give yourself an answer. Once you have that answer you will take whatever action you deem appropriate. If your husband is innocent of infidelity I would expect that you would make it up to him without telling him what you did. That information was for your safety so that you were not caught unaware. If it is exculpatory, then the relief it will provide should make you feel closer. Otherwise, why do it? You could sit home at night and learn to hate him with much less effort. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted March 1, 2020 Author Share Posted March 1, 2020 4 hours ago, schlumpy said: You do that by taking responsibility for your actions. You are doing this to give yourself an answer. Once you have that answer you will take whatever action you deem appropriate. If your husband is innocent of infidelity I would expect that you would make it up to him without telling him what you did. That information was for your safety so that you were not caught unaware. If it is exculpatory, then the relief it will provide should make you feel closer. Otherwise, why do it? You could sit home at night and learn to hate him with much less effort. If he’s innocent I still want an explanation for all the sketchy stuff I’ve found. I can’t get it though because I’d have to admit I snooped. But if he is innocent I’ll have to learn to live with this I guess. He’s not going out as much. It’s only been two times in 2 weeks. part of me thinks he’s cheating and part of my things he’s the most clueless person ever and doesn’t realize what he’s doing to me by his sketchy stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted March 1, 2020 Share Posted March 1, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, rainfall said: I can’t even talk to him about my concerns This is the key problem you have. Even if he is the most innocent person in the world, the fact that a woman can't express her concerns to her husband is something that needs to be fixed and fast. Maybe this is the reason you are afraid all the time that you will lose him; if you don't communicate, you don't know his thoughts and where he stands so you are always scared that something unpredictable will happen and he'll leave you. This is something that destroys your health little by little. I'd never do that about a man, even for my H. If he wants to leave, I won't get sick about it. But the communication we have is so open and concrete that I know all his thoughts always so I don't worry. Edited March 1, 2020 by SummerDreams 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted March 1, 2020 Author Share Posted March 1, 2020 20 minutes ago, SummerDreams said: This is the key problem you have. Even if he is the most innocent person in the world, the fact that a woman can't express her concerns to her husband is something that needs to be fixed and fast. Maybe this is the reason you are afraid all the time that you will lose him; if you don't communicate, you don't know his thoughts and where he stands so you are always scared that something unpredictable will happen and he'll leave you. This is something that destroys your health little by little. I'd never do that about a man, even for my H. If he wants to leave, I won't get sick about it. But the communication we have is so open and concrete that I know all his thoughts always so I don't worry. I can’t communicate my concerns because every single one of them started by my snooping. There was an event that triggered it, but if I had believed him with what he said happened I wouldn’t be here now. I did causally mention I thought he was to close to the low class hoe I’m suspicious of. He got mad (bc I “didn’t trust him” and that’s how all this bs started. He was going out the same, but I know during football season it’s gonna happen. It just kept happening snd was more often snd later. I want to ask him to cut contact with that low class child, but he’ll probably just say I’m jealous over nothing. I hate this. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted March 1, 2020 Share Posted March 1, 2020 7 hours ago, rainfall said: I can’t communicate my concerns because every single one of them started by my snooping. There was an event that triggered it, but if I had believed him with what he said happened I wouldn’t be here now. Both these things are a bad sign for a healthy marriage. A couple who can talk openly to each other would be able to say to one another "hey I have something that is upsetting me, I happened to find out [this and this] and I would like to talk to you about it and get an honest answer" and the other party would be honest about it. If someone is afraid to ask and the other is probably lying, then these things are more worrying than actually him cheating. Or at least equally worrying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainfall Posted March 1, 2020 Author Share Posted March 1, 2020 4 hours ago, SummerDreams said: Both these things are a bad sign for a healthy marriage. A couple who can talk openly to each other would be able to say to one another "hey I have something that is upsetting me, I happened to find out [this and this] and I would like to talk to you about it and get an honest answer" and the other party would be honest about it. If someone is afraid to ask and the other is probably lying, then these things are more worrying than actually him cheating. Or at least equally worrying. I came across all of this information by snooping. Everything else I’ve talked to him about and he had explanations and didn’t get mad so idk. I just wish I had got this info without snooping. Link to post Share on other sites
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