Twin Flames

[k0ukla1995]

Hello, this is my first time posting in this forum. I am looking for an outsider's perspective on my current situation and desperate for advice. I fell in love for the first time recently. We met at work, dated for about nine months, and broke up about a month ago. We have described each other as twin flames. This man is someone who loved me very deeply and I loved him. I made a lot mistakes, though, that I am very willing to admit. About two months into our relationship, I cheated on him. I am not going to go into detail about why I did this and I am not going to excuse myself. But I did it, and it is one of my biggest regrets in life. On his end, he was very controlling. He would want to look through my phone and if he saw an old picture of any guy in my phone he'd make me delete it. This was before I cheated on him and it pushed me away, although it was no excuse for me to cheat. We broke up for two weeks after I cheated and then got back together. Our relationship actually went uphill after this, that is, until I moved out of the city we lived in together for two months. I was only living an hour away but we didn't get to see each other as often and this is when everything collapsed. The roles reversed. I became the controlling one, and him careless. At one point he ended up taking a girl home from a bar and that's when we fell apart. Of course, he still held so much anger and resentment after I cheated. I saw it in his actions and the way he spoke to me, but this is only when there was distance in the relationship.

I moved back to the city we lived in together a month ago, which is around the same time we broke up. He told me he was going to give me another chance when I moved back but changed his mind. I've seen him three times in the last two months. The longest we've gone without talking at all was two weeks. He has told me he wants to keep me in his life but can't be romantic, although this is almost impossible for me because I still love him so much. Another thing that I want to add is that I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last summer, which leads me to be very dysfunctional in relationships and pushes a lot of my partners away. I can fully understand why he doesn't want to be with me...I was unfaithful, I took advantage of his love, and I was very selfish. I know this all sounds hopeless but I genuinely love this man from the bottom of my heart and would do anything to have one last chance. Please help

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry that you are hurt but honestly this relationship was not as  great as you have made it out to be.  There was cheating on both sides.  There was controlling jealousy & zero trust, not that either of you behaved in a trustworthy manner.   Anybody who demands to see your phone  a mere 2 months in & then starts deleting your pictures needs to be deleted from your life.  

You have to get a handle on your BPD.  Work with your therapist to come up with coping strategies or whatever it takes to have you not push partners away.  You attracted this guy & the guy you cheated with so you should have no trouble finding somebody new.  Learn from what went wrong here & don't make those mistakes in your life.  

[Lotsgoingon]

If you got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, then one of the best steps you can take ... for this relationship (which doesn't sound worth saving to me--I know you differ) ... or for later relationships ... is to get to some serious therapy. 

An ex of mine had a mild diagnosis of bpd. Obsessed with abandonment ... I could go to the bookstore ... and if I stayed 2 hours, she was on the phone asking me if I was getting away from her and if I loved her. Things could go amazingly well between us and then ... the next day, "I don't think you love me."

Cheating is often a symptom of a relationship problem that one or both partners ignore. Forget the cheating ... focus on how to build a good relationship. 

I don't know where you live, but the next time you start to date anyone, you want to be in regular therapy--working on your relationship stuff ... but also learning how to catch yourself when you feel those strong, explosive emotions that people with bpd often feel. Being in a relationship while in therapy is a great combination because all your issues will pop up. You can also practice the new behaviors you want to practice in other areas of your life--like with friends, family and coworkers. 

Now I'll flip and go positive ... one thing you want to do ... with almost any condition ... is to go back in time and remember moments, highlight moments, when you liked your behavior, as in liked the way you were in a relationship. Focus on good stuff you've done in relationship, even in this relationship. Then you want to reflect on what helped you do the good stuff ... and focus on building more of the support structures that allow you to be your best self. 

One thing my ex needed to learn ... is when she got angry ... she should have immediately excused herself and walked away for 5 minutes, 30 minutes or an hour or more. Because she got nuclear nasty in a conflict ... even if the conflict was minor ... Every conflict could become life and death for her. 

So these are techniques you really have to embrace ... they take practice. Get to ongoing therapy ... just like some people have ongoing therapy to keep depression at bay ... you may need it to be your best self. 

 

 

 

[k0ukla1995]

Thank you for the advice. This was really helpful from both of you. Thank you