My boyfriend is addicted to cybersex

[Gini]

I've been in a 3 year relationship. At the early stage of our relationship I found out that my boyfriend was a member of couple of sites where you can have video chats. He of course at first denied everything till I gave him all the evidence(his chat with other girls, sex talks, how long video chat lasted, etc.) 

He admitted, cryed, said he loves me,he'll delete everything, won't do it again, I mean more to him....so I moved on, decided to just forget about everything. I asked him if he ever feels like he's gonna start doing it again, he should say to me, and he can get some help. 

I had some serious problems with myself, eating disorder, depression, low self-esteem, depression.... It lasted very long, but I managed to pull myself out it. 

But he's doing it again, he again lied, even after his credit card records are showing bills for chatrooms. Finally nowhere to run he came clean, admitting everything, again deleting all the accounts, canceling his credit card, and he got an appointment, he's getting some professional help soon. 

I'm not fine, I'm in bed for 3 days now, yesterday I had food after 3 days, I don't feel anything not sure if I'm sad even when I'm crying, just want to fall a sleep and never wake up again. 

He was my best friend, was so happy every day to come back home to him after work. I want to help him so he can stop this addiction... Something really broke in me this time, I just don't have any feelings for him at all. I don't consider our home to be my home, I don't really care for him, I don't miss him when he's gone, I kind of can't wait till he goes to work, but I'm not better. I need some help and guidance but please don't tell me I also need professional help, cause I can't do that. I can't talk to anyone about this, friends or family not cause I would be ashamed it's just I'm very private person, and I never shared with anybody my intimate moments that I had with any of my boyfriends. 

I want to get up, I'm so creative by nature, always creating something with wood its my passion, but I can't even go to the room where I was making things, cause when I found out in that moment I was actually making him ring. 

I miss myself and I'm afraid I will never be me again. 

 

[K.K.]

He’s probably not going to stop this. It’s a hard pull these web cam chat rooms have. A real live person interacting with you. Pleasuring themselves to your instruction. Hard to resist. 

On one hand, one could say where’s the harm. No one is actually going to meet and have real sex. 

On the other hand, it is definitely an addiction and probably has to be dealt with like any other addiction. With some kind of therapy, although I believe the results of this can be mixed or complete failure. The money going out isn’t good either. Shows that he needs more than the multiple outlets of free porn found on the internet. He’s ready and willing to pay for his fantasy. 

Even with therapy, you’re still going to be looking over his shoulder every time he goes online, for some time to come.

You can either change your perception of how you see this fantasy of his, find a way to think of it so that it doesn’t hurt. 

Or he can flip a coin on therapy and hope it lands on heads.

Or you can leave him and find someone else where this kind of problem hopefully...  wouldn’t be an issue. 

 

[Gini]

3 hours ago, K.K. said:

He’s probably not going to stop this. It’s a hard pull these web cam chat rooms have. A real live person interacting with you. Pleasuring themselves to your instruction. Hard to resist. 

On one hand, one could say where’s the harm. No one is actually going to meet and have real sex. 

On the other hand, it is definitely an addiction and probably has to be dealt with like any other addiction. With some kind of therapy, although I believe the results of this can be mixed or complete failure. The money going out isn’t good either. Shows that he needs more than the multiple outlets of free porn found on the internet. He’s ready and willing to pay for his fantasy. 

Even with therapy, you’re still going to be looking over his shoulder every time he goes online, for some time to come.

You can either change your perception of how you see this fantasy of his, find a way to think of it so that it doesn’t hurt. 

Or he can flip a coin on therapy and hope it lands on heads.

Or you can leave him and find someone else where this kind of problem hopefully...  wouldn’t be an issue. 

 

Thanks for your opinion, I tried to do the research to find out if therapy is working, has any of this kind of patients ever recovered and stopped with their activities, but I haven't really found any. If anybody has experience with that or tried therapy or know what forum or website actually talks about this kind of addiction I mean like people to give other people hope that this could be cured I think this would help people struggling with that and people like me collateral damage. This really makes you question yourself, and I could walk away leave him but I'm still hurting and this left some serious scars on my personality. 

[2BGoodAgain]

you already know what you need to do to help yourself... i realize you're a private person, but a therapist is like a doctor, in terms of confidentiality. Also, they're professionals.. they've seen/heard everything. 

so you already know the answer... the question is.. when or if will you do it?

b/c let's forget him for a moment... b/c whether you get therapy/counseling or not... is more about YOU than him. He has his own issues to deal with, but it doesn't mean you have to deal with it with him... i'm being honest. that is up to you. he destroyed the relationship with you, so whether it can be rebuilt or not, is UP TO YOU. 

but for YOURSELF and your well being... and especially, if you want to have a better relationship whoever that next relationship will be... you need to talk about this, process this, etc... otherwise, you're just burying it... and it'll rear it's ugly head worse later on... you know how that goes.

hang in there, and contemplate your future happiness... with him or without.. but do it for YOU.

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship is soul-crushing, OP. He is not the man you so badly want him to be, and it's time for you to end it. 

You can't make someone change and when it's this much emotional work to keep it going, you're going to pay dearly with your well-being and precious time that could be spent recovering and eventually finding a man who doesn't use sex chats to begin with. 

[preraph]

They always cry when they get caught. you're not crying for you they're crying because they feel sorry for themselves for getting caught. He's a weasel. Dump him. You'll feel a lot better if you just do it then let it run its course and damage yourself some more and waste a bunch of time. He's not who you hoped he would be. He's a liar.

[kendahke]

13 hours ago, Gini said:

But he's doing it again, he again lied, even after his credit card records are showing bills for chatrooms. Finally nowhere to run he came clean, admitting everything, again deleting all the accounts, canceling his credit card, and he got an appointment, he's getting some professional help soon. 

And rinse and repeat for ever and ever.

Gini, he's going to keep on doing this--no matter who he's with, he's addicted to this because he doesn't have to be called to account for his actions with them. With you, he does.

What he will do is wait until you're lulled back into the same stupor he keeps lulling you back into whenever you blast about this and he will pick up right where he left off and do a better job of covering his tracks. You will never be able to trust that he's done with this, no matter how much he cries (and he's crying because he got busted again, not because your feelings matter to him, because they don't when put up against a willing chick in a chatroom who doesn't make demands).

When you're done crying, get about the business of moving out and moving on. This man ain't the man for you, no matter how desperately you need him to be that.

Love yourself more than this.

[kendahke]

13 hours ago, Gini said:

I want to get up, I'm so creative by nature, always creating something with wood its my passion, but I can't even go to the room where I was making things, cause when I found out in that moment I was actually making him ring.

Sand or route it into oblivion, but don't let it douse your creativity---you need that.

[smackie9]

He's paying for it...no different than him going out and banging hookers. Dump this chump, he has a problem and it's not yours to fix.

[elaine567]

We date so that we can find people who are compatible with ourselves.
We are not supposed to find someone and then try to change them into the person we really want.

He is a guy who pays for cam girls.
You knew early doors, you laid down the law, but my guess is he never stopped
Therapy is not going to work.
Why would it?
He is a horny guy, who gets off on paying for sex,  these girls atm fill his needs.
He is not going to stop going there, not for you or for anyone.
Next time he will just hide it better

The  trick here is to realise when you are beat and walk away asap.
Else my guess is that one day you will find he is not only paying for cam girls he will also be visiting prostitutes...
Unfortunately by then you may have a toddler and another on the way.
Get out now whilst you still can...