My best friend texting my husband [2-year update]

[Timshel]

Rosieroo, I want to validate you because I think that you need to hear this.  There was nothing wrong with asking your husband to not participate in the group chat that excluded you.  The truth is that he should not have needed to be asked....but when he was, by the wife who just bore his child, it was without question wholly inappropriate for him to respond in anger.

You have done nothing wrong and I think every person on your thread Rosieroo is in support of your feelings and actions. 

Now, going back to work.  You know something now about your friends that you did not know before.  What you know now is that the people you trusted to be supportive and protective of a new mother and friend have unceremoniously cast you aside.  They are not your friends.  Grieve this loss and when you walk back into the office take what you know to give you strength.  All business and all class Rosieroo, things have changed and you will need to change also.  You have your children to give you inspiration, you are a mother and you work for them, right laugh.

This will be ok sweetie, in time, chin up, you will know and do what is best.  Take care of yourself and ask more of your husband. 

[Rosieroo17]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

She works with the man - she is his supervisor, is she not?  She is not wrong to establish a boundary between work and home - it should have existed all along. Think of it this way, friendship aside, would it be appropriate to share information about your marriage with another of his work colleagues?

I’m sorry you are having a hard time, you sound very isolated and lonely. It’s time to find a new mommy and me class, or a new exercise group for yourself — it’s time to make some new friends. Good luck! 

Yes I understand the bounderies and that's what I was trying to create all along . But I do realise not to talk about my marriage to work colleagues especially as we work there together.

Yes I do feel very isolated and he is just angry at me all the time. When I try and talk to him about it and try and clear it up 

[Rosieroo17]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Maternity leave and angry husband reaching out to other women.
One word - sex.
Are you and your husband having good and frequent  sex?

Our sex life is heathy and very often.

[Neirn]

I am not insecure and I would have an issue with this as well, especially if she's single. However you shouldn't worry about what she does at all. It's what your husband is doing. He is the one you made a commitment with. If he is showing you the conversation and is ensuring you that you have nothing to worry about, I wouldn't worry. You have to trust him, which it seems like you already know. You say you know he's not cheating, your gut is usually right. If he says he will stop texting her for you maybe you should take his offer. Or you could give him a show of faith and say it's okay I trust you. The problem you have is with your friends not your husband. Don't misplace your feelings. Making him feel like you don't trust him will only push him away...you don't want that. However, this so called friend is kind of being a jerk. Maybe they should be downgraded to acquaintance. 

[Rosieroo17]

So an update on this

I spoke with said friend . My husband told me texting had stopped. Today my friend told me they still text in the day at work. This is usually about whether their manager has gone or about going for a cigarette. 

Now then my husband has actually lied. 

Ok this in the day and actually normal things work colleagues would do. Even I do that sometimes however he should of been honest about that and not said there was no texting at all.

This is really difficult to deal with 

[preraph]

You need to nail him about lying. If all they're doing is texting about some little thing like what you said, they do not need to be texting. 

 

is there any type of situation at work where you could go to a supervisor and ask them to make it to where these two did not need to talk to each other at all?

Edited March 4, 2020 by preraph

[Rosieroo17]

16 minutes ago, preraph said:

You need to nail him about lying. If all they're doing is texting about some little thing like what you said, they do not need to be texting. 

 

is there any type of situation at work where you could go to a supervisor and ask them to make it to where these two did not need to talk to each other at all?

I'm scared to say anything as things are not great 

No not really I dont really work in a place where I can speak to someone like that. 

[vla1120]

4 hours ago, Rosieroo17 said:

So an update on this

I spoke with said friend . My husband told me texting had stopped. Today my friend told me they still text in the day at work. This is usually about whether their manager has gone or about going for a cigarette. 

Now then my husband has actually lied. 

Ok this in the day and actually normal things work colleagues would do. Even I do that sometimes however he should of been honest about that and not said there was no texting at all.

This is really difficult to deal with 

Your husband told you texting had stopped. Is it possible he meant HE would not be texting HER, but he does continue to respond to her unsolicited texts about the boss or smoking?

First, he shouldn't be smoking with her. If she doesn't want to cross the manager/non-manager boundaries, she ought to stop smoking with her subordinates. Getting him to stop smoking would also solve that issue.😉

I am not making excuses for him. I just wonder if he is trying to save you aggravation by assuring you all is okay, but SHE wanted to dangle that fact for you to ponder. Either way, she is not your friend. He is the one you have to address in this situation. She means nothing to your relationship and you having absolutely nothing to do with her other than on a professional level will drive that fact home for her.

From now on, when you are at work, speak and behave with all the confidence in the world that your marriage is on solid ground and you do not give her (nor any other woman) a second thought in regards to your marriage. 

Also, you just had a baby. Your hormones and emotions are all over the map. Your husband is being a bit of a jerk, not protecting and assuring the mother of his child, like he should. (I know...I was married to one for 32 years.) Take care of yourself and, like I said, exude confidence every day all the time at every turn. "A woman that knows her worth doesn't measure herself against another woman, but stands strong, calmed and self-confident." (I don't know who said that, but I like it.)

[Rosieroo17]

25 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Your husband told you texting had stopped. Is it possible he meant HE would not be texting HER, but he does continue to respond to her unsolicited texts about the boss or smoking?

First, he shouldn't be smoking with her. If she doesn't want to cross the manager/non-manager boundaries, she ought to stop smoking with her subordinates. Getting him to stop smoking would also solve that issue.😉

I am not making excuses for him. I just wonder if he is trying to save you aggravation by assuring you all is okay, but SHE wanted to dangle that fact for you to ponder. Either way, she is not your friend. He is the one you have to address in this situation. She means nothing to your relationship and you having absolutely nothing to do with her other than on a professional level will drive that fact home for her.

From now on, when you are at work, speak and behave with all the confidence in the world that your marriage is on solid ground and you do not give her (nor any other woman) a second thought in regards to your marriage. 

Also, you just had a baby. Your hormones and emotions are all over the map. Your husband is being a bit of a jerk, not protecting and assuring the mother of his child, like he should. (I know...I was married to one for 32 years.) Take care of yourself and, like I said, exude confidence every day all the time at every turn. "A woman that knows her worth doesn't measure herself against another woman, but stands strong, calmed and self-confident." (I don't know who said that, but I like it.)

Thank you so much.

I think it is them both. They feel they are friends and dont see anything wrong 

[Rosieroo17]

So this evening I spoke to him and he said " are you going to let this whole texting thing go?"

I said "well you've told me there is no texting at all" and he said no . I asked " no texting not even in the daytime?" He looked me in the eye and said "NO"

He lied to me in every face. I said i knew he was lying and that she had told me . He looked shocked and said " well I knew you would get upset and make a thing" I said he wont blame me .and he walked off and said he didnt care about it .

I'm so hurt right now. How do we even come back from this. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, OP. 

I think your husband has some feelings for this woman and it's developing into something it shouldn't be. The messages themselves might be fairly innocuous, but I'm not sure his intent is. The lying is also problematic, and his angry reaction to all of this is telling. 

Have you two considered marriage counseling? This dynamic is likely to get worse as times goes on unless it's addressed now. 

[vla1120]

I agree with Expat. I think it is time for some marriage counseling. He does not realize (or care about) the damage he is doing to you by #1 - lying to your face when you've asked point blank and #2 - being disrespectful to your needs as his wife and the mother of his children. Maybe a third party person would help him to put that in perspective. 

[Rosieroo17]

I have tried to get him to go to therapy but he refuses point blank

I see someone myself 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Rosieroo17 said:

I have tried to get him to go to therapy but he refuses point blank

Have there previously been some issues in your marriage? 

 

[Timshel]

On 3/4/2020 at 4:16 PM, Rosieroo17 said:

He looked shocked and said " well I knew you would get upset and make a thing" I said he wont blame me .and he walked off and said he didnt care about it .

I'm so hurt right now. How do we even come back from this. 

Rosieroo,  he looked shocked because he did not think that his mistress would tell on him.  You have two young children to care for...you have one 'friend' who would like nothing more than to see the two of you split up.  She doesn't want him, she wants to flex her ego.  Your husband is the fool.

I have to say that you have married and had children with a fool.  He is not a stand up man. 

As I said before, be all business and a class act.  Make bank and leave this idiot.  Too harsh?  One day you'll come back to this thread and give me a like.  Take care of yourself and your kids, you married a flop.

XXOO to you and your kids, kick the liar away, dead weight.

[Neirn]

I don't know how you are tolerating this with such grace. I would have been so much worse. I think if you really want to find a way to make this better counseling is your best option, but if he refuses to see a counselor you have to figure out another way to make him realize he will lose you if this continues. I am engaged and have been having trouble with things (different than you) and I told him he needs to man up and until he does I gave him the ring back. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate me. Maybe sit him down, have a long serious talk about how this makes you feel without being aggressive. Very calmly explain everything. Then say until you can be the man I need and be honest and consider what I'm going through I can't do this. You know what they say l, if you love something let it go. The truth is you can't keep living like this, you're a ball in a pinball machine and they are the triggers pushing you back and forth. I had a friend in your situation and they are in a rocky marriage now too. She is trying to go to counseling because she wants to blame herself for getting upset at the situation and finally going off. Women sometimes apologize too much. What he's doing is /not/ okay in any sense and his lack of motivation to make you feel secure in your relationship as his wife is very troubling.

[princessaurora]

This woman seems to go for men who are not truly avaliable. Your husband who has a loving wife and children, and his brother who is separated which means he could possibly rekindle things with his wife. Perhaps she gets off on the challenge of taking other people's men. Sadly, there are women like that. 

[Rosieroo17]

On 3/5/2020 at 11:48 PM, Timshel said:

Rosieroo,  he looked shocked because he did not think that his mistress would tell on him.  You have two young children to care for...you have one 'friend' who would like nothing more than to see the two of you split up.  She doesn't want him, she wants to flex her ego.  Your husband is the fool.

I have to say that you have married and had children with a fool.  He is not a stand up man. 

As I said before, be all business and a class act.  Make bank and leave this idiot.  Too harsh?  One day you'll come back to this thread and give me a like.  Take care of yourself and your kids, you married a flop.

XXOO to you and your kids, kick the liar away, dead weight.

Timshel I can't even disagree with you on any of it.

The only thing I do believe that there is no feelings my husband has .I know others may feel differently but my intuition tells me there isn't.  

He is a child and has said he is allowed to talk to and have who he wants to as friends.  He is like a child who thinks he is being told what to do. 

As for this woman  I know what she is like she thinks there is nothing wrong and she is the type as well if someone tells her not to do something she wants to do it even more. Some people do not want to consider others feelings . Again does not want to be told what to do. 

If this had be dealt with better at the beginning and my husband  listened and we could both talk calmly it we could of understood each other.

My marriage is pretty much over I know how can we come back from this. He lied and  I tried to talk to him about that and he just got angry and wont accept his part that had made this worse.

The pain of having a husband that does not care is very hard. 

I know you say I should go back to work with my head high but I feel I should not return . I just do not feel comfortable at all.

[Timshel]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this Rosieroo.  You have just had a baby and your body is healing and taking care of an infant and another little one, I just want to say woman to woman that I have so much respect for you and though this is a difficult time, I really hope you are able to take care and nurture yourself.

If you don't want to return to work, don't.  Tell your husband your priorities are your children right now and that you will also be seeing a therapist to sort out your feelings.  Also sweetie,  have a consultation (they are usually free) with an attorney to find out what legal protections you and your children have.

I'm sorry, I haven't had coffee, I read this in bed and got up to reply. I hope I'm making sense.  Hang in there Rosieroo, do what you need to give yourself time to heal.

[Rosieroo17]

Well things are still difficult . My husband did apologise for lying he said he didn't want me upset!!!!

He said the texts are nothing and just as this woman (ex friend)  said just about work stuff etc. However known of this is ok still with me anymore. 

Even on weekends I'm pretty sure she will send something to him it's like she just cannot leave him alone.

As for my marriage I pretty much feel very uncared for, my husband left me feeling anxious and paranoid and when I tried to seel understanding and reassurance he just got angry. 

My colleague told me that this woman is not happy and struggling and probably will not be at work long term, she lives far and struggles with the travel.  She said not to leave because I may regret it if she leaves. I dont know . I've only been married 6 months (together 5) and I feel my husband didnt show me any loyalty at all. This woman is also one of his bosses  

I would consider leaving but I'm stuck here with no where to go , financially I wouldnt manage as I work part time and have childcare costs. I'm trying to think long term once my  boys go to school I can work full time again and should free up my options.

I know there is not much anyone can say anymore to me , I guess I just needed to tell someone . Its caused such anxiety and panic attacks. It's very hard lying next to a man that doesnt care about you. Its hurts very much. 

Edited March 17, 2020 by Rosieroo17

[S2B]

Don’t you have parents still living?

if you can’t leave change go stay with family or friends until he can figure out how much he harmed the marriage and how to set things right?

have you explained to him in detail just how badly he handled this - and that an angry reaction makes you want to leave him even more? Yes, it is a sign of him being guilty and only sorry he got caught.

you need a place to go - or he does!

 

[nodramallama]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this and that your husband doesn't put your feelings first.

He may not have been interested in your ex-friend at first as nothing more than a colleague, but now they have some common ground to "trauma bond" in a sense - the fact that you have confronted both of them.  Now, they are like 2 little naughty kids who don't want someone telling them what to do.  He now has someone to confide in, who only feeds his mantra of "We are just friends!"  

 

Think about it.  He's FIGHTING you to keep HER friendship!  Who's fighting for YOU???

I hope that all makes sense.

It's such blatant disrespect!  And the onus is on your husband OUT OF RESPECT TO YOU to shut her down.  

I've been there, and it's only a matter of time before this turns into an emotional affair, if not more.

I'm so sorry.  XOXO

[lolablue17]

I think that things have gone way way out of proportion. 

You are in a sensitive and vulnerable situation because you are on maternity leave. After birth + being a full-time nanny+ Isolated from your social life + the feeling that you pay the price for having children, your previous life has stopped. At the same time, your husband continues, as usual, has a good life, and socializing with friends, the same friends that use to be yours, but you're isolated from them. 

From this POV, you, of course, see little stones as mountains, and this leads you to overreact. It is widespread with women on maternity leave. 

People around you, like your husband, your friends, etc... Should have been aware of your vulnerable state, and accommodate your overreacting behavior. They weren't sensitive enough, probably because they have a life of their own, and you know, nobody's perfect. 

You pushed it too much, they reacted to that, and now you're on escalation route, which you don't have any control. I don't expect you to be someone else because you probably can't. 

I advise you to try to control yourself and be patient. Talk about your vulnerable position with your husband's friends, and you can even apologize for overreacting. It would be best if you were patient until you get back to work, and all these mountains will be back to their real size - sand grains. 

Everybody loves you. They just don't know how to handle your behavior. It would be better if they would, but you can't throw all responsibility on other people. 

Good luck and big hugs from me 🙂

[SummerDreams]

I'm sorry if it has been asked and answered, but what was your relationship like before this text thing started? I mean, was he caring, loving etc with you or was he cold? How was your marriage before that? Because if the marriage was good before, I think you can talk this incident through and solve it. You should sit him down calmly and tell him that this matter got you sad and upset (never accuse someone like "you got me sad and upset", talk about the situation) and that you would like him to think how he would react if the situation was vice versa. I think if you do this, you will be able to solve this. If he continues not to care, then you have a bigger problem than some texting.

[stillafool]

OP, did you ever ask your friend to stop texting your husband?  Forgive me if you've already mentioned this in a previous post.