My boyfriend 'borrowed' money from my account without asking.

[sk1977]

Hi all, 

My boyfriend of 4 months withdrew some money (under $100) from my checking account without asking me first or letting me know after the fact. The very next day I gave him $100 cash to help cover his expenses till his gets payed at the end of the week, because he had mentioned he was tight on cash.  At that point he had a chance to tell me that he already "borrowed" some money from me, but he didn't. I found out a few days later, while looking through my bank statement and confronted him. He apologized at first, and said that he assumed that since I gave him the pin for my card, it was okay to take the money out, because "he needed it". At that point he apologized and said it was a wrong to do this . However, later when I called him, he said he had a hard time "empathizing with me" being upset with him. 

I should also mention that he's always been treating me well and been very generous spending his money on me and my kids. He probably spent a few thousand on me over the four month we've been together and gifted me some money when I was in a tough spot financially. He's been really sweet, loving, thoughtful, helping me with chores when he comes over. I'm very much in love with him and I thought he was too, until this little incident happened. 

I know I will probably get some heat from some people about giving him my pin, but he ran a few errands for me and bought a few things for me with my card, and I thought I could trust him, even though maybe it was too early to do so. 

I don't really know how to move forward from here. On one hand, I love him and the money he took seems like a small amount compared to the amount he has spent on me. Am I overreacting? 
On the other hand, I can't shake off the feeling of being violated and feel like my trust is broken. And  trust, of course, is the foundation of every relationship. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him, and now I feel totally heartbroken.

What are your thoughts?

Thank you!

     

[Ruby Slippers]

Taking money from your account without asking is a huge boundary violation. Technically, regardless of how much money either of you has spent on each other before, it's stealing.

This would raise a big red flag for me. If I were able to forgive and get past it, which would be very tough, I'd tell him that if he ever takes money from me again, it's over. So he gets a second chance, and not a third.

I'd go to the bank and change the PIN on the card or get a new one.

[kendahke]

36 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

I should also mention that he's always been treating me well and been very generous spending his money on me and my kids. He probably spent a few thousand on me over the four month we've been together and gifted me some money when I was in a tough spot financially.

That has nothing to do with him going into your account without telling you and stealing money.

That he spent money on you doesn't even begin to touch the fact that you didn't steal that money from him without him knowing about it--which is what he did. 

If you hadn't checked your account, when exactly was he going to get around to telling you?

36 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

However, later when I called him, he said he had a hard time "empathizing with me" being upset with him. 

  Then telling you how you should feel about it? No. That should be what breaks this down.

4 months in is when the "on their best behavior" representatives have been dismissed and the real him/real you come to the fore---and the real him steals then dares you to complain about it.  If he can't handle his money on his own, that's his problem.  He needs to stop buying things for your kids and let their father handle that since he takes it upon himself to help himself to your treasury. A person who spends thousands on you then comes around for $100 here and steals $100 after you handed him the $100 and he said nothing about stealing the money is someone who can't handle their finances.

Change your pin today.  He will keep dipping into your account when it suits him.

I personally wouldn't give a thief another chance to steal my money. He showed you exactly what he is--you continue with him to your own emotional and financial peril.

Edited February 6, 2020 by kendahke

[K.K.]

He stole your money from you. He had the perfect chance to tell you that he had taken it while you were giving him 100 the next day, oblivious to the fact that he had already gone into your account. 

Girl, why’d you give him your pin? He could’ve just used it as credit! 

🚩 !!! 

[preraph]

He stole from you. That should be a deal-breaker.

[sothereiwas]

49 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

What are your thoughts?

Don't hand out your PIN to strangers, Or anyone really. What does that 'P' stand for again?

Edited February 6, 2020 by sothereiwas

[sk1977]

Thanks you to all who responded! I really appreciate your thoughts. 
I don't know if this makes any difference, but he did say he will give me the money back this coming Friday when he gets paid. 
Love sucks.  

[Marc878]

Get your money back then dump him after

[Art_Critic]

You love a thief !!

On Friday when he gets your money dump him,... do you think he would have told you he took the money if you had not found out ? no !!

That means he will steal from you again, and again... watch your identity with someone like that, if he gets a hold of your SS# rest assured he will open accounts with it.

 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, sk1977 said:

However, later when I called him, he said he had a hard time "empathizing with me" being upset with him. 

Oh dear.
He stole your money and he was apparently "entitled" to take it...

Where did he actually get the money he ""gifted" you?

[Gaeta]

No, him giving you the money back doesn't change the fact he *fraud* you. That also mean he had to go in your purse without your knowledge to take your card??

You need a hit back to reality. You hardly know this man after 4 months dating!! You are way ahead of yourself here trusting him with  your bank card and your pin!! He could have stolen every penny you have and run with your credit cards. You need to be smarter and more protective of yourself and of your kids at the same time. By the way I have been dating the same man for 4 years and I trust him with my life but he doesn't have my pin! If we help each other financially we email money so there is a trace of it. 

Next thing. A man that spends thousands on you but then need to fraud you isn't what I call a financially smart man. It's more like money burn in his hands and he doesn't plan for tomorrow. not the type you want to date. 

You are only 4 months in, that's a drop in the ocean, it's not like you have a long history together. He frauds you at 4 months in, what is it gonna be at 1 year? he'll probably order himself credit cards with your name. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, sk1977 said:

I should also mention that he's always been treating me well and been very generous spending his money on me and my kids. He probably spent a few thousand on me over the four month we've been together and gifted me some money when I was in a tough spot financially. He's been really sweet, loving, thoughtful, helping me with chores when he comes over. I'm very much in love with him and I thought he was too, until this little incident happened.      

Typical pattern of men out to con you. They're sweet as heaven with you, even spend money on you to gain your trust, then they start by small amounts of money, they they want a loan, then they want you to co-sign, then.....you find yourself defraud of your assets. 

[sk1977]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

No, him giving you the money back doesn't change the fact he *fraud* you. That also mean he had to go in your purse without your knowledge to take your card??

I gave him the card myself. He offered to go get me something from the store while I was getting ready. So, that's when he withdrew the money.

[sk1977]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Typical pattern of men out to con you. They're sweet as heaven with you, even spend money on you to gain your trust, then they start by small amounts of money, they they want a loan, then they want you to co-sign, then.....you find yourself defraud of your assets. 

It feels so out of character for him. I'm totally confused and floored by his behavior. 

[Mrin]

No just no. Absolutely not. No way. No how. NO!

Get your money repaid on Friday and dump him. Don't second guess. Don't look back. Just dump his a$$ and walk away. 

 

[Gaeta]

Just now, sk1977 said:

I gave him the card myself. He offered to go get me something from the store while I was getting ready. So, that's when he withdrew the money.

You know what image that brings me, it brings me images of those people slowly defrauding their sick and old parents. A little bit at a time and when they don't notice they take a little more, then they take it all. What's the difference between this man and people stealing from their own parents sick in retired homes!

[Mrin]

1 minute ago, sk1977 said:

It feels so out of character for him. I'm totally confused and floored by his behavior. 

Judge people by their actions not their words 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

It feels so out of character for him. I'm totally confused and floored by his behavior. 

At four months you have NO IDEA of his character.
You can only go on what he has shown you and what he has shown you does not point to a person of good character.

Please get him out of your life ASAP.

[Lotsgoingon]

No saying you will give the money back means nothing. One, you noticed the withdrawal ... and the big sin here is he didn't ask. 

Why are you giving bf access to your bank account in the first place? That's self-destructive, almost inviting him into your bank account. Here's my pin use it when you want.  Why else give someone a pin?

Sounds like an unequal relationship where you are trying to hard to be compliant and pleasing.  No way in four months would I give my account number to someone or expect (or even want) someone to give me their pin number.

 

 

[Calmandfocused]

I agree with the above posters. 
 

My first thought was “gambling addiction” (swinging from flush one minute to broke the next) 

My second thought was: Narcissist. His lack of empathy/ understanding of the issue and his perceived ownership of you ... after 4 months. 
 

However I’m going to say it: I think you’re 50% responsible for this boundary violation. At 4 months you should not be financially relying on him or accepting financial support for you and your children. You (And their father) are responsible for financially  supporting  you and your children. Not him. Why is he even so heavily involved in your kids lives when the relationship is only 4 months old? 
 

You’ve allowed this relationship to progress at lightening speed when the reality is that you don’t know this man well enough to be trusted with your bank card and PIN number. 
 

You’ve made some unwise choices for sure. 

change your bank card and PIN number and don’t even consider giving him access again until you’re at least married. 

[SabreTeeth]

My dear you've found yourself a con artist. How do I know? Con artists don't care whatsoever about the damage they do & he says himself he can't empathize (or care) why you're upset. Be smart. Change your pin & dump him. In that order. 

Con artists are the kings (and queens) of smooth talk and make wriggling their way into people's good books an art form simply to lull their victims into a false sense of security to secure money. He pretended to be a nice guy by spending money on you and your kids, offered a little bit here and there, and likely hoped you'd do exactly as you are thinking and excuse his behavior as a one off. Well that one off will become a once a month event, then once a week event. Until he's got what he wants & he's outta there. I've seen it happen to a few friends & colleagues over the years and it's always the same thing - oh he (or she) just forgot to tell me, oh he (/she) "needed" it, etc.

 

Btw four months is literally impossible for you to tell anyone, yourself included, if his behavior is out of character. I've known friends for years & their character still surprises me. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, sk1977 said:

The very next day I gave him $100 cash to help cover his expenses till his gets payed at the end of the week, because he had mentioned he was tight on cash. 

Question: As he borrowed money from you before? the proper way by asking if you could loan him a bit of money till x day? 

[sk1977]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Question: As he borrowed money from you before? the proper way by asking if you could loan him a bit of money till x day? 

Yes, one time. It was $20, because he forgot his wallet at home. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

1 hour ago, sk1977 said:

What are your thoughts?

Thank you!

     

Why does your bf have access to your account? Not wise. I even question such practice with your own spouse. 

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, the more I think about this, the more it stinks.

He could have easily called or texted to ask permission to withdraw the money from your account. He didn't even tell you after he did it!! You had to discover it on your bank statement and confront him about it. He admitted he felt entitled to take the money because you gave him your PIN. NOT OK!

I think this guy shows all the signs of being a con artist and it doesn't look good.