Unhappy, and feeling low

[Chimerical]

Maybe if I write it, I can clarify my feelings. I feel overwhelmed, stupid, retarded, I don't fit in anywhere, i have no friends, my family is too busy for me, my boyfriend is too busy and stressed for me to talk to about how I feel... As long as I smile and nod, everyone is happy. If I say I'm upset, or stressed, or unhappy, they tell me it could be worse, I could have to work full time and raise a family and go to school, I could be taking 18 cr hrs a semester, I could be... I could be.... And then they tell me how much time I have to pursue hobbies and read or whatever. And I do, I guess. but their words aren't helping.

 

All I have to do is school. I had 15 credit hours. Dropped a class. Then 12. Now I'm dropping another because I frigging can't handle that we're forced into groups and have to share our life's story with other students. (I'm 31, they're 18) I hate the class, but I have to have the class. I need to drop it, there's no way I can pass it now. That'll put me at 9 credit hours.

 

I don't work, bf works 80-90 hour weeks as a truck driver. He's starting to feel animosity toward me. (who wouldn't?) I clean the apartment and do laundry and shopping and all the errands and stuff... but how long does that really take when considering he works so much.

 

I'm seriously trying to break into writing. Have a novel started, a bunch of short stories I've submitted to contests... but lately every story I write, the critique group tells me it's terrible. Rips me to shreds. I used to be a good.... now I can't write to save my life. What do you write when your world consists of 4 walls and classes you hate?

 

I'm in the reserves for Marine Corps but on "temporarily not physically qualified" for deployment because I broke my back almost 2 years ago. They sent my medical package in to a review board, who will decide if I am fit for duty, or should be discharged. If they don't discharge me, then I'm going to Iraq in March. It's been 3 months since they sent it in, and I don't think they're going to discharge me, and I can't stand being in anymore. And last weekend they give me Typhoid flu innoculation to make sure I'm current on my deployment shots.

 

The only friend I have gets in touch with me about very 4 months. Usually when she want's to "show off" about something.

 

I'm depressed, I'm exhausted, I can't sleep, I hurt, I want to cry and can't.. And today all I could think of is packing my stuff and just walking away from everything. I don't think anyone would notice. And that hurts. And I don't want to admit to these people that I'm so weak, I can't even finish 12 stupid credit hours in school. When I have nothing else going on.

 

I try to tell myself it's going to be okay... but I have 5 more years of school left. I can't even make it through a semester. How the hell am I going to make it through graduate school?

 

And I feel like I'm handling this like a child. An adult would just deal with it, keep their chin up, and do what needs to be done. I'm having a hard time finding the motivation to even care. When I talk to bf or family it's obvious they think I'm being pathetic. So I bottle it up, and it gets worse and worse... ****, maybe it'd be best if I did just leave... who wants to be associated with someone who fails in everything? Then gives up.

[Outcast]

You really need to see a physician because you sound depressed. You have access to excellent medical help so avail yourself of it - go see your phys and take a copy of your post - or at least the parts describing your feelings. You won't get over it just because people tell you to. You need more help than that.

[Chimerical]

I don't get access to health care being a reservist. Only if I get hurt during the 2 day's a month we drill. Or when they send me to Iraq. Nothing is covered.

 

Couldn't find anything about counseling (except academic) through the community college.

 

I'm out of ideas...

[suegail]

I ran across your other post minutes ago wherein you stated you have been unhappy at college and have quit several times before. Well, college isn't for everybody and lots of people do quite well without it. It sounds like you're forcing yourself everyday to do something that with all your heart is making you miserable as you could possibly be.

 

You love to write. You don't have to have a college degree in order to write: Many published writers don't hold degrees. I once read that though Mark Twain was later in life granted honarary degrees, he never graduated from college. And I do believe that the internet is a dream come true for aspiring writers. You can get all the education you'll ever need online through writers workshops. (Don't be concerned over those who 'rip' your work apart. Every writer has had to contend with that.) Just keep writing. That's how you gain more ability.

 

It just sounds as if you are in what you perceive as an unbearable situation, pounding away, forcing yourself because of guilt and this idea in your mind that college is something you 'have to do.' And your family sees your unhappiness and wonders why you would feel that way because as you've said 'all you have to do is school' problem is, it happens to be 'all you hate' you are vehemently opposed to the idea of having to be there and making yourself sick because of it. It might not at all be the place for you and there is nothing about that to ever be ashamed of. What is important is your happiness...

 

Best of luck...in everything...

[Outcast]

Check into your local social service agencies or call your church - or any church. They will know who provides free services.

[Toni_no12002]

You could search for some on the net.It should bring up those available in your area.

[Lil Honey]

Chimerical:

 

I just finished school and have felt very similar to the way you are feeling.

 

First, go see a doctor. You very well could be ill and not know it. I was a sick puppy for a while, didn't know what was wrong and nearly quit several times.

 

Second, be sure that you are going to school for something that you are interested in. If you want to be a writer but you've been pressured into being an undertaker, I doubt that it will go well . . .

 

Third, don't be bullied into sharing any more about your life with a classroom than you want to. You are 31. You have the ability to be obscure, yet make it sound like you actually said something with substance. LOL And the "kids" will say, "Wow, she's SO cool and mysterious."

 

Fourth, talk to anyone who will listen and point you in the direction to get help. Most colleges and universities have counselors (even mine did ). Even if they are there only for school guidance, they SHOULD be able to help you find someone who works with your issues within your community.

 

You are NOT handling this like a child. You are asking for help. There isn't anything childish about fighting depression. Please get help, soon. I live in Michigan as well and the lack of sunlight soon will only make depression worse.

 

Have you thought about getting a part-time job or volunteering for a couple hours a week? Doing one (or both) may give you a sense of accomplishment and put you back on track.

[Chimerical]

Thank you for the advice and support. I'm going to talk to the academic counselor next week to see if they have any suggestions.

 

I applied to a couple of places today for part time work. I think that would help some. I actually miss working. Miss the independence that comes from a paycheck even more though.

 

So, how do I get through something I hate? I'm not making money off writing. (Not going to give it up, but not eating isn't an option either.) And I'm sick to death of working my butt off at a job to make someone with a degree look good. I got shafted out of so many promotions just because I don't have that piece of paper. Even though my work ended up making the company thousands, my boss with the degree got the raise and promotion. And I didn't even get her job when she got promoted. They filled it with someone else with a degree.

 

I looked up my professors on RateMyProfessor.com. Looks like I made some horrible choices in teachers this semester. All but one have scathing remarks of "Don't take if you want to pass", "Worst teacher ever", and "Confusing and doesn't help at all."

I guess its not cause I'm dumb, so that's kind of good to know. Doesn't help much now.. but I feel a little better about struggling so hard with these classes.

 

Thanks again for the comments and advice.