Sexless Marriage

[FlowerGirl57]

I have been married for 3 years.  My husband has a tiny brain tumor (non cancerous) in his pituitary gland.  He has had it for years and told me about it when we met.  When we were dating he was upfront about it and said he had "not had sex in over 10 years, wasn't sure how he would be able to perform, has not dated or had a serious relationship/girlfriend" etc.  I believed him, I liked the fact he said he had been alone for that time and admitted that he wanted to find a serious and committed relationship.  THAT is what I believed and what attracted me to him.

During our dating months leading up to our marriage he was interested in sex, we had fun.  He already had a prescription for Viagra (which was odd since he said he had not dated or had sex in 10 years) and he took it and was able to obtain small erections a few times, he did other things to please me, I was happy with our sex life and we got along great,  but we never had intercourse.  We tried and he'd lose his erection quickly.  I thought it was just nerves or the fact he had not been in a relationship for so long (so he said).  He said "I don't even look at porn, it's degrading to women".  Lies, I later found porn hidden in a folder on his computer (probably 20 pics of hard core porn).  All guys look at porn, I'm not a prude but the fact he originally lied about looking at it then I found it hidden on his computer (he claims his friend downloaded it) kinda seemed odd.  I'm not stupid but why lie about everything?  I shrugged it off and moved on.

He kept pursuing me, promising me "I'm not that guy, I'm not a scumbag!".  I never ever called him names like that.  I just confronted him when he lied about something simple like looking at porn. Just admit it, I didn't care.  I even suggested looking at it together if it would help him with ED.  I had sex toys, suggested we use those, he seemed offended so I just let it go.  I thought he was shy and not all that experienced, that's how he acted with me.

We got married a year later but then things began to unravel when I discovered that prior to me he was involved with a LOT of women (married, friends, on dating websites searching, etc.).  I discovered he was having online relationships with several married women, they were sending him gifts, he was loaning them money, etc.  He also had one single woman friend who he swore they were "just friends" that she didn't want a relationship with him, he just helped her and they talked on the phone everyday, etc.  When she found out about me, she suddenly wanted to have him and marry him.  He originally told me nothing ever happened between them "I never slept with her ever"... but then AFTER we got married he slipped and said he had first met her in high school and they had sex while at a party but it was years ago, they never had sex during their recent 3 year friendship (he found her on FB and contacted her that's how they reconnected). 

While we were dating he went to visit her, she babysat his dog while he went to a work meeting.  He was upfront about this.  But while he was at her house he logged in to his gmail but didn't log out.  She read all the emails he and I had exchanged.  I think he did that on purpose.  I was livid when he told me she got into his email account.  She was livid too.

I said he needed to be in a relationship with her, not me.  He apologized, got into a huge fight with her but continued pursuing me claiming he did not want a relationship with her.  While he told me he had slammed the door shut on her, he was still in contact with her.  4 months into our relationship we were on a trip together and right before we left, he sent her flowers because she notified him that her mom died.  She posted them on her FB page.  I found out and asked him if he was still in contact with her, he was insistent that he was not. I showed him her FB page and he then admitted he did it.  Needless to say that ruined our trip and I told him it was over, got on the plane by myself and was done. He begged and pleaded with me, said he sent flowers because "it was the right thing to do".  Of course she looked at it as "see everybody, he is still interested in me!"   He was seeing me but still couldn't let go of her.

Months later after begging and pleading for me to give us a chance and not to leave, he proposed to me on his birthday.  Shocker.  Things had improved, he bent over backwards wooing me and he had told everyone that he was serious about me and swore he dumped all these women friends.  I let it be known I wouldn't stand for a man who was playing me and other women at the same time.  I look back and see why he was chasing me so hard, because I suddenly was unattainable and not allowing him to catch me.  I was telling him to go be with his woman "friend" that I wanted a man who knew what he wanted, not some child who can't decide on which candy bar to purchase. 

Things were really good and we got married, he planned the entire event and paid for everything.  He was being the perfect man, so I thought.   

Not soon after we got married, I found one of his married women friends was sending him suggestive emails.  Their little online relationship was proceeding despite the fact she knew we got married and he swore he dumped all these married women friends.  But hey, this married woman obviously didn't know how to behave herself so why stop flirting with a man who was now married.  I was the bad guy, I demanded him to put a stop to that relationship that it was inappropriate.  She didn't get it when he emailed her back.  She got upset and she had to call him and ask what was going on.  In front of me he told her " I am married now, this is inappropriate, my wife doesn't like it".   He had to let it be known, I am the controlling and jealous - new wife.  My fault I demand respect.

Maybe five months into our marriage our sex life completely stopped.  I didn't desire him anyway, I was finding out about the money he loaned and spent on women and realized the lies he told me of being this single lonely guy were a joke.  He had a harem of women he was providing money and help to.  I found photos of this one married woman he lent thousands to, she came and stayed at his house and he took photos of her (topless, posing sexually).  His excuse? "Hey she wanted to get freaky, I just went with it but we never slept together".  

He told me he never slept together with a lot of women I found proof of later that he actually did sleep with them.  These were women he was with during the ten years he claims he didn't have a girlfriend or had sex.

He says he can not get any erection, has no sexual desire period.   He had a prescription for Viagra previous to meeting me, he had porn on his computer that I discovered later after we were married, I also discovered love letters to this female friend during the time he was dating me.  In these letters he was saying he loved her and questioning why she didn't love him back.  Yet he told me "We were never boyfriend/girlfriend" but he bought her expensive gifts and helped her pay her mortgage, he was absolutely pursuing her and in love with her but searching for other women.  

Hope this all makes sense, my problem is....he doesn't make any attempts to please me sexually.  He said "I will never be able to have sex again, there is nothing there, it's shriveled up and I can barely get it to pee".  This was not the case when we were dating and the first several months after we got married, we were fooling around, he was performing oral and using his hands to please me".  That has all stopped.  I think he masturbates, he always looks at other women, seeks out tv shows with women, etc.   He once told me he was attracted to "unattainable women" so this goes thru my mind constantly.  He is in his early 60's and I'm in my late 50's.

I have become depressed in this marriage, I have gained weight due to menopause but I am attractive and always get compliments in public so I'm not dead yet.  I have a sex drive and I feel neglected and rejected by my husband.  We have NEVER consummated our marriage (had intercourse).  

My husband thinks because he works and provides (he asked me to quit my job last year because the commute was 3 hours a day).  I quit because I have no debt, the commute was killing me, he asked me to quit and to help him with his business and so we could spend time together.  I take care of the house, cook, clean, etc. - he provides.

It's become nothing more than a room mate situation but now, I'm stuck with a man who has no desire for me or any desire to please me other than a back rub, and throws it in my face he does everything for me, why am I so hung up on the "sex" aspect of our marriage.  Leave the dirty dishes lying around, I pick them up.  Clean and cook, he pays the bills, in the evening we sit and stare at the tv and he says nothing because he is tired and needs to decompress from work.  Then we go to bed, he hugs me turns his back to me and turns out the light.  I lay there silently sad and lonely.

Here is my problem I can't seem to deal with.  If he can't have sex, why is he always staring at other women?  I feel like I'm being punished constantly because the man I am married too has no desire for me but fantasizes about other women.  I catch him watching tv shows with sexy women then he changes the channel quickly when I walk in the room.   When we were first dating he was always quick to flirt with women in the grocery store or come up with something to talk to them about. 

Prior to me he had established emotional relationships with a LOT of women, I would say he had about 6 or 7 who were invested in him.  When he began dating me, these women all tried friending me on Facebook.  He introduced me to a few of them, they were a bit too nosey about our relationship.  If he and I went on a trip, one married woman was constantly texting him.  It was like they hated me and wanted the attention back on him.

In this relationship, I have constantly felt like I am just a "companion" to him.  I am the one who fell in love with him, all these other women were using him.  He was always quick to jump and rescue these women, save them, loan money, etc.  I had to tell him to cut them off or else I was not staying married.  These women were TOO involved.  Many of them got pissed and tried to sabotage our relationship, it was his fault for not cutting ties and slamming the door shut, he enjoyed the attention and wanted me to know he was trying not to be "mean".

I left him 7 months into our marriage and moved to another state.  He ran after me, we started a new life away from all his women friends and I thought things would improve.  I still feel he has a thing for unattainable women, I am attainable therefore he is not attracted to me.  I cry myself to sleep at night and ask him to please me sexually.  He says it's not fun for him since he isn't into it and doesn't feel any desire, can't get an erection.  So I am to live the rest of my life feeling rejected and undesired?  He says I should be happy, he provides for us and I don't have to work.

I feel isolated, depressed and now stuck in a sexless marriage to a man who stares at other women.  He also gets ugly when we argue, screams and yells and says "You think I'm a scumbag because I notice women on tv, they are everywhere sorry!".   He doesn't understand my feelings, it's the fact we have no sex life, he doesn't desire me or put forth any effort to please me sexually but stares at other women is what bothers me. 

I have told him "You never desire me but make it obvious you look at other women, it hurts my feelings".   He tells me to stop being so insecure.  I have never been insecure or jealous until I married him.  I have never been in a relationship with any man who didn't want me sexually.   I feel lied to and conned into marriage.  He told me his woman friend didn't want him, that he was searching for love and passion and someone to hold hands with in public"....blah blah blah.   He should have married that woman friend he was so in love with who didn't want him (just wanted him to pay for everything and take care of her).

Because I want physical affection and love, he gets angry at me.  I regret marrying him.  I don't think he ever really loved me to begin with, he just married me because I was the only woman willing to have a relationship with him.  The others were just using him for attention and money.  After we got engaged, he was doing online searches for that woman friend he was in love with.  I found that in his search history when using his computer and asked him "Why are you still searching for her online?".  He said because she owed him money.

I have tried leaving a few other times and he has promised me he isn't interested in other women, says the right things to get me to stay, says he will be more physical with me.  Nothing happens or changes.  We are nothing more than room mates and pals who live together.  I could have had that with a guy friends.  I married this man for love, passion, to feel secure and loved.  I have never felt secure, I have always felt rejected.  

Do I find a job, an apartment and leave him?  I have great credit and a chunk of money from an inheritance coming to me (that he was insisting I put in our joint checking account).  That money is not community property, it's money I need to get out.  He keeps saying he is tired of me feeling jealous and insecure and he can't live like "this" (me bringing up why he doesn't desire or want me but stares at other women).

He gaslights, is verbally abusive and screams, hits walls, breaks my things and blames me for being untrusting and jealous.  I'm tired of feeling like the crazy one.  I think he despises me because I am intelligent, a good person, and....I've been too attainable.  I call him out on his lies.  I can present facts to him that prove he has lied to me, he still denies it.  Little white lies but these are lies all the same.  Yet, he provides and does everything for me except have sex, he can not understand why I am unhappy and get upset when he oogles other women.  I think he lives in a fantasy land and it's more fun for him to fantasize about women he can't have and he can not handle a real woman and having to perform.  Easier to hide behind a computer and flirt or have emotional affairs and masturbate in secret than please a woman in bed next to him.  By keeping unattainable women at a distance and paying them to give him attention, he gets to be the hero without having to perform sexually.  I think this has been his m.o. ever since he began having ED problems (erectile dysfunction).  He has a very small penis when it is erect (which disputes the fact big men with big hands and feel have big penises).  Unattainable women he can help and fantasize about are more exciting than me.  

If he doesn't want me, why can't he just let me go?  When he screams at me to leave that he can't take it, I pack my stuff and leave and then he blows up my phone begging me to come back and work things out.  If I leave for good he can't know about it, he will block my car, make a scene in front of the neighbors.  

I am not happy, I don't feel secure, his temper scares me, he lack of desire for me makes me feel horrible.  How do I get out of this?  He works from home.  Do I find a storage place and start sneaking boxes out?  I'm tired of being made to feel like I am crazy for wanting my husband to love me and treat me with respect.   Sorry this is long, I just need advice.   

I was going to love him anyway despite his ED but the fact he has shown no attempts to please me sexually now for 2 years, he has hangups I can't understand or fix.  He said he hates his body, so I guess he has to punish me and deprive me of sex and that is not fair.  He never warned me that after we got married we would never have sex again.  He thinks providing a home and taking care of me so I don't have to work should be enough.  I should sympathize with him that his penis won't work and he has a brain tumor and he works hard to provide an easy life for me.  So I just put aside my needs and be happy being his house companion, maid and cook?  I can't seem to look past the lies he told me about all these women "friends" who were never just friends, they were women he was wanting to be with but they just used him for fun and money.

Sorry this is long but I have struggled with this and I need to unload somewhere... I have tried to overlook his past and the lies but I have a hard time trusting him because nothing makes sense or maybe it does and I had seeing I was conned into marriage.  Was I?

He blames me for everything and I have stayed because I took marriage vows and really wanted to make sense of this and do the right thing and give this marriage everything I've got before calling it quits. I keep my word and my committments but this is becoming poison to me.  My husband is great at gaslighting.  He can play victim and cry and suck me back in.  But in the process I'm being made to feel crazy and it's destroying me.  I am supposed to live without sex and physical affection like it's no big deal, he taking care of me financially so why complain?  Any advice is welcome.  

 

[preraph]

I couldn't read all that but I read enough to know that you are getting nothing out of this. he's been lying to you and you have obvious other problems and you filled several pages with your problems. you know you shouldn't spend the rest of your life trying to stick with this because you're not a happy and it's never going to get better. He made a lot of bad choices on top of whatever problems he has. 

 

you have no obligation to stick with him and you have every obligation to make the most of your life and that means getting away from him.

[Els]

Didn't read all of it, but this sounds like an "Infidelity" topic rather than a "sexless marriage" topic.

[SummerDreams]

What made you attracted to this guy? And what made you marry him? Are these the sacred vows everyone talks about?

[mark clemson]

You'll have to make up your own mind whether to put up with all this. Speaking for myself, if I was in this situation I would divorce and never look back.

[2BGoodAgain]

okay.... when you said he was 60, it kinda made more sense...

1) Trust nothing he says, trust what he does... and not anything he does short term, but the whole relationship... b/c at best, they are half truths. he's a pathological liar. he doesn't lie b/c he doesn't like you, he lies b/c he's done it all his life, and it comes 2nd nature.

2) i don't think he's having sex with other women. at least, not sexual intercourse, sex...prob uses viagara to get a semi erection to jerk off to porn... . it's funny that he calls you insecure, b/c i think he gets a high from women who pursue him... and when they don't, he gets the high of the chase, and finally they constantly feeding his ego/low self esteem with their "love" or "sexual attraction" to him. he's an addict, addicted to the feeling these women have for him. biological chemical high that he's used to, and whether physically or mentally, he can't get an erection b/c it's a biochemical high that needs to get higher and higher and he can't get it anymore...

3) he doesn't love you. he doesn't want to be alone, so wants a companion... but not the full package. That's what you are; a companion for his lonliness, b/c he realizes all these fantasy relationships online isn't as real as the person next to him. so that's what you are... to supplement his loneliness in his older age.

4) you need to value your happiness and yourself. get out.

5) get out. he lied to get into your life. nothing about him is real. and honestly, everything he does for "you" is really for him, not you. Don't get fooled by it. you know what you have to do, you just need us to help you push you into it.

 

[Blind-Sided]

It's been a  few years, and you already found A LOT of lies, and no sex.   AND... since you were asked to not work... you are actually in a good spot. (alimony, and the house)  Get a Lawyer, and get away from him.

[ExpatInItaly]

Get yourself to a divorce lawyer immediately. 

This has always been a terrible relationship, and you've been in denial for a long time. He is a liar, verbally abusive, and has anger management problems. You are getting zero out of this marriage and it's time to stop lying to yourself and leave. This isn't ever going to get better, and you are only "stuck" if you refuse to leave. He can't make you stay. 

 

Edited February 8, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[BettyDraper]

Sex is the least of your problems. 
You have an unfaithful husband who constantly lies and verbally abuses you. He wanted you to be dependent on him so that he could control you. 
 

Do you have any funds which only you have access to? I hope so because it’s time to leave. 

[Ruby Slippers]

This sounds miserable. It won't get better. I would leave.

[thefooloftheyear]

Couldn't get  through the whole thing either......but this mindset, really, isn't that rare for many  men...they just don't act on it, because its cruel/dishonest, and... as he's discovering,... not so easy to do...

He has figured out a way to compartmentalize women...In that sense all of them(you included) have a purpose in his life...If you all(you and these other so called friends of his) were compliant, then it would be the ultimate scenario for him....You are the "safe one" the reliable one, the one that is tending to his domestic needs...and gives him some sanity and stability.. and you always seem to forgive him for some things you shouldn't...In that sense you have become like the mother in this scenario...He likely wouldn't want to have sex with his mother either, so that probably explains why he's not being intimate with you or desiring you in that way...The other women he is juggling around is fulfilling the sexual part of his life...And he has many, so it satisfies the variety that a lot of men crave...And notice how he is picking women that are the weak/vulnerable types.?   He is very crafty on how he's doing this...By going about it in this way, he always has the upper hand...Just like when he told you not to work anymore...You probably thought that was soooo nice of him to take all that stress away.. IMO, .It was just a way for him to control you by taking away some of your independence...I'll give him some credit for orchestrating this thing in a way that puts him somewhat in the drivers seat...He has set it up as well as he possibly can under the conditions..

I do wonder that if he did actually :"fake it" and have sex with you regularly enough, would that be enough to get you off his back, and keep you from questioning things and snooping into his other women?...I dunno….

I could go on here, but there isn't more to say...I don't think you can have what you want out of this...He has gotten away with it, and even if you leave., my guess is he'll find another "you" to continue this...There are plenty out there ,....I think at this point, you need to make a decision...If you have a windfall of money coming all the better/easier,. even though if you were broke the advice would be the same...

Good luck to you .

TFY

[trackdayguy]

On 2/6/2020 at 10:32 PM, FlowerGirl57 said:

I have been married for 3 years.  My husband has a tiny brain tumor (non cancerous) in his pituitary gland.  He has had it for years and told me about it when we met.  When we were dating he was upfront about it and said he had "not had sex in over 10 years, wasn't sure how he would be able to perform, has not dated or had a serious relationship/girlfriend" etc.  I believed him, I liked the fact he said he had been alone for that time and admitted that he wanted to find a serious and committed relationship.  THAT is what I believed and what attracted me to him.

During our dating months leading up to our marriage he was interested in sex, we had fun.  He already had a prescription for Viagra (which was odd since he said he had not dated or had sex in 10 years) and he took it and was able to obtain small erections a few times, he did other things to please me, I was happy with our sex life and we got along great,  but we never had intercourse.  We tried and he'd lose his erection quickly.  I thought it was just nerves or the fact he had not been in a relationship for so long (so he said).  He said "I don't even look at porn, it's degrading to women".  Lies, I later found porn hidden in a folder on his computer (probably 20 pics of hard core porn).  All guys look at porn, I'm not a prude but the fact he originally lied about looking at it then I found it hidden on his computer (he claims his friend downloaded it) kinda seemed odd.  I'm not stupid but why lie about everything?  I shrugged it off and moved on.

He kept pursuing me, promising me "I'm not that guy, I'm not a scumbag!".  I never ever called him names like that.  I just confronted him when he lied about something simple like looking at porn. Just admit it, I didn't care.  I even suggested looking at it together if it would help him with ED.  I had sex toys, suggested we use those, he seemed offended so I just let it go.  I thought he was shy and not all that experienced, that's how he acted with me.

We got married a year later but then things began to unravel when I discovered that prior to me he was involved with a LOT of women (married, friends, on dating websites searching, etc.).  I discovered he was having online relationships with several married women, they were sending him gifts, he was loaning them money, etc.  He also had one single woman friend who he swore they were "just friends" that she didn't want a relationship with him, he just helped her and they talked on the phone everyday, etc.  When she found out about me, she suddenly wanted to have him and marry him.  He originally told me nothing ever happened between them "I never slept with her ever"... but then AFTER we got married he slipped and said he had first met her in high school and they had sex while at a party but it was years ago, they never had sex during their recent 3 year friendship (he found her on FB and contacted her that's how they reconnected). 

While we were dating he went to visit her, she babysat his dog while he went to a work meeting.  He was upfront about this.  But while he was at her house he logged in to his gmail but didn't log out.  She read all the emails he and I had exchanged.  I think he did that on purpose.  I was livid when he told me she got into his email account.  She was livid too.

I said he needed to be in a relationship with her, not me.  He apologized, got into a huge fight with her but continued pursuing me claiming he did not want a relationship with her.  While he told me he had slammed the door shut on her, he was still in contact with her.  4 months into our relationship we were on a trip together and right before we left, he sent her flowers because she notified him that her mom died.  She posted them on her FB page.  I found out and asked him if he was still in contact with her, he was insistent that he was not. I showed him her FB page and he then admitted he did it.  Needless to say that ruined our trip and I told him it was over, got on the plane by myself and was done. He begged and pleaded with me, said he sent flowers because "it was the right thing to do".  Of course she looked at it as "see everybody, he is still interested in me!"   He was seeing me but still couldn't let go of her.

Months later after begging and pleading for me to give us a chance and not to leave, he proposed to me on his birthday.  Shocker.  Things had improved, he bent over backwards wooing me and he had told everyone that he was serious about me and swore he dumped all these women friends.  I let it be known I wouldn't stand for a man who was playing me and other women at the same time.  I look back and see why he was chasing me so hard, because I suddenly was unattainable and not allowing him to catch me.  I was telling him to go be with his woman "friend" that I wanted a man who knew what he wanted, not some child who can't decide on which candy bar to purchase. 

Things were really good and we got married, he planned the entire event and paid for everything.  He was being the perfect man, so I thought.   

Not soon after we got married, I found one of his married women friends was sending him suggestive emails.  Their little online relationship was proceeding despite the fact she knew we got married and he swore he dumped all these married women friends.  But hey, this married woman obviously didn't know how to behave herself so why stop flirting with a man who was now married.  I was the bad guy, I demanded him to put a stop to that relationship that it was inappropriate.  She didn't get it when he emailed her back.  She got upset and she had to call him and ask what was going on.  In front of me he told her " I am married now, this is inappropriate, my wife doesn't like it".   He had to let it be known, I am the controlling and jealous - new wife.  My fault I demand respect.

Maybe five months into our marriage our sex life completely stopped.  I didn't desire him anyway, I was finding out about the money he loaned and spent on women and realized the lies he told me of being this single lonely guy were a joke.  He had a harem of women he was providing money and help to.  I found photos of this one married woman he lent thousands to, she came and stayed at his house and he took photos of her (topless, posing sexually).  His excuse? "Hey she wanted to get freaky, I just went with it but we never slept together".  

He told me he never slept together with a lot of women I found proof of later that he actually did sleep with them.  These were women he was with during the ten years he claims he didn't have a girlfriend or had sex.

He says he can not get any erection, has no sexual desire period.   He had a prescription for Viagra previous to meeting me, he had porn on his computer that I discovered later after we were married, I also discovered love letters to this female friend during the time he was dating me.  In these letters he was saying he loved her and questioning why she didn't love him back.  Yet he told me "We were never boyfriend/girlfriend" but he bought her expensive gifts and helped her pay her mortgage, he was absolutely pursuing her and in love with her but searching for other women.  

Hope this all makes sense, my problem is....he doesn't make any attempts to please me sexually.  He said "I will never be able to have sex again, there is nothing there, it's shriveled up and I can barely get it to pee".  This was not the case when we were dating and the first several months after we got married, we were fooling around, he was performing oral and using his hands to please me".  That has all stopped.  I think he masturbates, he always looks at other women, seeks out tv shows with women, etc.   He once told me he was attracted to "unattainable women" so this goes thru my mind constantly.  He is in his early 60's and I'm in my late 50's.

I have become depressed in this marriage, I have gained weight due to menopause but I am attractive and always get compliments in public so I'm not dead yet.  I have a sex drive and I feel neglected and rejected by my husband.  We have NEVER consummated our marriage (had intercourse).  

My husband thinks because he works and provides (he asked me to quit my job last year because the commute was 3 hours a day).  I quit because I have no debt, the commute was killing me, he asked me to quit and to help him with his business and so we could spend time together.  I take care of the house, cook, clean, etc. - he provides.

It's become nothing more than a room mate situation but now, I'm stuck with a man who has no desire for me or any desire to please me other than a back rub, and throws it in my face he does everything for me, why am I so hung up on the "sex" aspect of our marriage.  Leave the dirty dishes lying around, I pick them up.  Clean and cook, he pays the bills, in the evening we sit and stare at the tv and he says nothing because he is tired and needs to decompress from work.  Then we go to bed, he hugs me turns his back to me and turns out the light.  I lay there silently sad and lonely.

Here is my problem I can't seem to deal with.  If he can't have sex, why is he always staring at other women?  I feel like I'm being punished constantly because the man I am married too has no desire for me but fantasizes about other women.  I catch him watching tv shows with sexy women then he changes the channel quickly when I walk in the room.   When we were first dating he was always quick to flirt with women in the grocery store or come up with something to talk to them about. 

Prior to me he had established emotional relationships with a LOT of women, I would say he had about 6 or 7 who were invested in him.  When he began dating me, these women all tried friending me on Facebook.  He introduced me to a few of them, they were a bit too nosey about our relationship.  If he and I went on a trip, one married woman was constantly texting him.  It was like they hated me and wanted the attention back on him.

In this relationship, I have constantly felt like I am just a "companion" to him.  I am the one who fell in love with him, all these other women were using him.  He was always quick to jump and rescue these women, save them, loan money, etc.  I had to tell him to cut them off or else I was not staying married.  These women were TOO involved.  Many of them got pissed and tried to sabotage our relationship, it was his fault for not cutting ties and slamming the door shut, he enjoyed the attention and wanted me to know he was trying not to be "mean".

I left him 7 months into our marriage and moved to another state.  He ran after me, we started a new life away from all his women friends and I thought things would improve.  I still feel he has a thing for unattainable women, I am attainable therefore he is not attracted to me.  I cry myself to sleep at night and ask him to please me sexually.  He says it's not fun for him since he isn't into it and doesn't feel any desire, can't get an erection.  So I am to live the rest of my life feeling rejected and undesired?  He says I should be happy, he provides for us and I don't have to work.

I feel isolated, depressed and now stuck in a sexless marriage to a man who stares at other women.  He also gets ugly when we argue, screams and yells and says "You think I'm a scumbag because I notice women on tv, they are everywhere sorry!".   He doesn't understand my feelings, it's the fact we have no sex life, he doesn't desire me or put forth any effort to please me sexually but stares at other women is what bothers me. 

I have told him "You never desire me but make it obvious you look at other women, it hurts my feelings".   He tells me to stop being so insecure.  I have never been insecure or jealous until I married him.  I have never been in a relationship with any man who didn't want me sexually.   I feel lied to and conned into marriage.  He told me his woman friend didn't want him, that he was searching for love and passion and someone to hold hands with in public"....blah blah blah.   He should have married that woman friend he was so in love with who didn't want him (just wanted him to pay for everything and take care of her).

Because I want physical affection and love, he gets angry at me.  I regret marrying him.  I don't think he ever really loved me to begin with, he just married me because I was the only woman willing to have a relationship with him.  The others were just using him for attention and money.  After we got engaged, he was doing online searches for that woman friend he was in love with.  I found that in his search history when using his computer and asked him "Why are you still searching for her online?".  He said because she owed him money.

I have tried leaving a few other times and he has promised me he isn't interested in other women, says the right things to get me to stay, says he will be more physical with me.  Nothing happens or changes.  We are nothing more than room mates and pals who live together.  I could have had that with a guy friends.  I married this man for love, passion, to feel secure and loved.  I have never felt secure, I have always felt rejected.  

Do I find a job, an apartment and leave him?  I have great credit and a chunk of money from an inheritance coming to me (that he was insisting I put in our joint checking account).  That money is not community property, it's money I need to get out.  He keeps saying he is tired of me feeling jealous and insecure and he can't live like "this" (me bringing up why he doesn't desire or want me but stares at other women).

He gaslights, is verbally abusive and screams, hits walls, breaks my things and blames me for being untrusting and jealous.  I'm tired of feeling like the crazy one.  I think he despises me because I am intelligent, a good person, and....I've been too attainable.  I call him out on his lies.  I can present facts to him that prove he has lied to me, he still denies it.  Little white lies but these are lies all the same.  Yet, he provides and does everything for me except have sex, he can not understand why I am unhappy and get upset when he oogles other women.  I think he lives in a fantasy land and it's more fun for him to fantasize about women he can't have and he can not handle a real woman and having to perform.  Easier to hide behind a computer and flirt or have emotional affairs and masturbate in secret than please a woman in bed next to him.  By keeping unattainable women at a distance and paying them to give him attention, he gets to be the hero without having to perform sexually.  I think this has been his m.o. ever since he began having ED problems (erectile dysfunction).  He has a very small penis when it is erect (which disputes the fact big men with big hands and feel have big penises).  Unattainable women he can help and fantasize about are more exciting than me.  

If he doesn't want me, why can't he just let me go?  When he screams at me to leave that he can't take it, I pack my stuff and leave and then he blows up my phone begging me to come back and work things out.  If I leave for good he can't know about it, he will block my car, make a scene in front of the neighbors.  

I am not happy, I don't feel secure, his temper scares me, he lack of desire for me makes me feel horrible.  How do I get out of this?  He works from home.  Do I find a storage place and start sneaking boxes out?  I'm tired of being made to feel like I am crazy for wanting my husband to love me and treat me with respect.   Sorry this is long, I just need advice.   

I was going to love him anyway despite his ED but the fact he has shown no attempts to please me sexually now for 2 years, he has hangups I can't understand or fix.  He said he hates his body, so I guess he has to punish me and deprive me of sex and that is not fair.  He never warned me that after we got married we would never have sex again.  He thinks providing a home and taking care of me so I don't have to work should be enough.  I should sympathize with him that his penis won't work and he has a brain tumor and he works hard to provide an easy life for me.  So I just put aside my needs and be happy being his house companion, maid and cook?  I can't seem to look past the lies he told me about all these women "friends" who were never just friends, they were women he was wanting to be with but they just used him for fun and money.

Sorry this is long but I have struggled with this and I need to unload somewhere... I have tried to overlook his past and the lies but I have a hard time trusting him because nothing makes sense or maybe it does and I had seeing I was conned into marriage.  Was I?

He blames me for everything and I have stayed because I took marriage vows and really wanted to make sense of this and do the right thing and give this marriage everything I've got before calling it quits. I keep my word and my committments but this is becoming poison to me.  My husband is great at gaslighting.  He can play victim and cry and suck me back in.  But in the process I'm being made to feel crazy and it's destroying me.  I am supposed to live without sex and physical affection like it's no big deal, he taking care of me financially so why complain?  Any advice is welcome.  

 

What are you doing with this guy??????????

[pepperbird]

On 2/6/2020 at 1:02 PM, FlowerGirl57 said:

I have been married for 3 years.  My husband has a tiny brain tumor (non cancerous) in his pituitary gland.  He has had it for years and told me about it when we met.  When we were dating he was upfront about it and said he had "not had sex in over 10 years, wasn't sure how he would be able to perform, has not dated or had a serious relationship/girlfriend" etc.  I believed him, I liked the fact he said he had been alone for that time and admitted that he wanted to find a serious and committed relationship.  THAT is what I believed and what attracted me to him.

During our dating months leading up to our marriage he was interested in sex, we had fun.  He already had a prescription for Viagra (which was odd since he said he had not dated or had sex in 10 years) and he took it and was able to obtain small erections a few times, he did other things to please me, I was happy with our sex life and we got along great,  but we never had intercourse.  We tried and he'd lose his erection quickly.  I thought it was just nerves or the fact he had not been in a relationship for so long (so he said).  He said "I don't even look at porn, it's degrading to women".  Lies, I later found porn hidden in a folder on his computer (probably 20 pics of hard core porn).  All guys look at porn, I'm not a prude but the fact he originally lied about looking at it then I found it hidden on his computer (he claims his friend downloaded it) kinda seemed odd.  I'm not stupid but why lie about everything?  I shrugged it off and moved on.

He kept pursuing me, promising me "I'm not that guy, I'm not a scumbag!".  I never ever called him names like that.  I just confronted him when he lied about something simple like looking at porn. Just admit it, I didn't care.  I even suggested looking at it together if it would help him with ED.  I had sex toys, suggested we use those, he seemed offended so I just let it go.  I thought he was shy and not all that experienced, that's how he acted with me.

We got married a year later but then things began to unravel when I discovered that prior to me he was involved with a LOT of women (married, friends, on dating websites searching, etc.).  I discovered he was having online relationships with several married women, they were sending him gifts, he was loaning them money, etc.  He also had one single woman friend who he swore they were "just friends" that she didn't want a relationship with him, he just helped her and they talked on the phone everyday, etc.  When she found out about me, she suddenly wanted to have him and marry him.  He originally told me nothing ever happened between them "I never slept with her ever"... but then AFTER we got married he slipped and said he had first met her in high school and they had sex while at a party but it was years ago, they never had sex during their recent 3 year friendship (he found her on FB and contacted her that's how they reconnected). 

While we were dating he went to visit her, she babysat his dog while he went to a work meeting.  He was upfront about this.  But while he was at her house he logged in to his gmail but didn't log out.  She read all the emails he and I had exchanged.  I think he did that on purpose.  I was livid when he told me she got into his email account.  She was livid too.

I said he needed to be in a relationship with her, not me.  He apologized, got into a huge fight with her but continued pursuing me claiming he did not want a relationship with her.  While he told me he had slammed the door shut on her, he was still in contact with her.  4 months into our relationship we were on a trip together and right before we left, he sent her flowers because she notified him that her mom died.  She posted them on her FB page.  I found out and asked him if he was still in contact with her, he was insistent that he was not. I showed him her FB page and he then admitted he did it.  Needless to say that ruined our trip and I told him it was over, got on the plane by myself and was done. He begged and pleaded with me, said he sent flowers because "it was the right thing to do".  Of course she looked at it as "see everybody, he is still interested in me!"   He was seeing me but still couldn't let go of her.

Months later after begging and pleading for me to give us a chance and not to leave, he proposed to me on his birthday.  Shocker.  Things had improved, he bent over backwards wooing me and he had told everyone that he was serious about me and swore he dumped all these women friends.  I let it be known I wouldn't stand for a man who was playing me and other women at the same time.  I look back and see why he was chasing me so hard, because I suddenly was unattainable and not allowing him to catch me.  I was telling him to go be with his woman "friend" that I wanted a man who knew what he wanted, not some child who can't decide on which candy bar to purchase. 

Things were really good and we got married, he planned the entire event and paid for everything.  He was being the perfect man, so I thought.   

Not soon after we got married, I found one of his married women friends was sending him suggestive emails.  Their little online relationship was proceeding despite the fact she knew we got married and he swore he dumped all these married women friends.  But hey, this married woman obviously didn't know how to behave herself so why stop flirting with a man who was now married.  I was the bad guy, I demanded him to put a stop to that relationship that it was inappropriate.  She didn't get it when he emailed her back.  She got upset and she had to call him and ask what was going on.  In front of me he told her " I am married now, this is inappropriate, my wife doesn't like it".   He had to let it be known, I am the controlling and jealous - new wife.  My fault I demand respect.

Maybe five months into our marriage our sex life completely stopped.  I didn't desire him anyway, I was finding out about the money he loaned and spent on women and realized the lies he told me of being this single lonely guy were a joke.  He had a harem of women he was providing money and help to.  I found photos of this one married woman he lent thousands to, she came and stayed at his house and he took photos of her (topless, posing sexually).  His excuse? "Hey she wanted to get freaky, I just went with it but we never slept together".  

He told me he never slept together with a lot of women I found proof of later that he actually did sleep with them.  These were women he was with during the ten years he claims he didn't have a girlfriend or had sex.

He says he can not get any erection, has no sexual desire period.   He had a prescription for Viagra previous to meeting me, he had porn on his computer that I discovered later after we were married, I also discovered love letters to this female friend during the time he was dating me.  In these letters he was saying he loved her and questioning why she didn't love him back.  Yet he told me "We were never boyfriend/girlfriend" but he bought her expensive gifts and helped her pay her mortgage, he was absolutely pursuing her and in love with her but searching for other women.  

Hope this all makes sense, my problem is....he doesn't make any attempts to please me sexually.  He said "I will never be able to have sex again, there is nothing there, it's shriveled up and I can barely get it to pee".  This was not the case when we were dating and the first several months after we got married, we were fooling around, he was performing oral and using his hands to please me".  That has all stopped.  I think he masturbates, he always looks at other women, seeks out tv shows with women, etc.   He once told me he was attracted to "unattainable women" so this goes thru my mind constantly.  He is in his early 60's and I'm in my late 50's.

I have become depressed in this marriage, I have gained weight due to menopause but I am attractive and always get compliments in public so I'm not dead yet.  I have a sex drive and I feel neglected and rejected by my husband.  We have NEVER consummated our marriage (had intercourse).  

My husband thinks because he works and provides (he asked me to quit my job last year because the commute was 3 hours a day).  I quit because I have no debt, the commute was killing me, he asked me to quit and to help him with his business and so we could spend time together.  I take care of the house, cook, clean, etc. - he provides.

It's become nothing more than a room mate situation but now, I'm stuck with a man who has no desire for me or any desire to please me other than a back rub, and throws it in my face he does everything for me, why am I so hung up on the "sex" aspect of our marriage.  Leave the dirty dishes lying around, I pick them up.  Clean and cook, he pays the bills, in the evening we sit and stare at the tv and he says nothing because he is tired and needs to decompress from work.  Then we go to bed, he hugs me turns his back to me and turns out the light.  I lay there silently sad and lonely.

Here is my problem I can't seem to deal with.  If he can't have sex, why is he always staring at other women?  I feel like I'm being punished constantly because the man I am married too has no desire for me but fantasizes about other women.  I catch him watching tv shows with sexy women then he changes the channel quickly when I walk in the room.   When we were first dating he was always quick to flirt with women in the grocery store or come up with something to talk to them about. 

Prior to me he had established emotional relationships with a LOT of women, I would say he had about 6 or 7 who were invested in him.  When he began dating me, these women all tried friending me on Facebook.  He introduced me to a few of them, they were a bit too nosey about our relationship.  If he and I went on a trip, one married woman was constantly texting him.  It was like they hated me and wanted the attention back on him.

In this relationship, I have constantly felt like I am just a "companion" to him.  I am the one who fell in love with him, all these other women were using him.  He was always quick to jump and rescue these women, save them, loan money, etc.  I had to tell him to cut them off or else I was not staying married.  These women were TOO involved.  Many of them got pissed and tried to sabotage our relationship, it was his fault for not cutting ties and slamming the door shut, he enjoyed the attention and wanted me to know he was trying not to be "mean".

I left him 7 months into our marriage and moved to another state.  He ran after me, we started a new life away from all his women friends and I thought things would improve.  I still feel he has a thing for unattainable women, I am attainable therefore he is not attracted to me.  I cry myself to sleep at night and ask him to please me sexually.  He says it's not fun for him since he isn't into it and doesn't feel any desire, can't get an erection.  So I am to live the rest of my life feeling rejected and undesired?  He says I should be happy, he provides for us and I don't have to work.

I feel isolated, depressed and now stuck in a sexless marriage to a man who stares at other women.  He also gets ugly when we argue, screams and yells and says "You think I'm a scumbag because I notice women on tv, they are everywhere sorry!".   He doesn't understand my feelings, it's the fact we have no sex life, he doesn't desire me or put forth any effort to please me sexually but stares at other women is what bothers me. 

I have told him "You never desire me but make it obvious you look at other women, it hurts my feelings".   He tells me to stop being so insecure.  I have never been insecure or jealous until I married him.  I have never been in a relationship with any man who didn't want me sexually.   I feel lied to and conned into marriage.  He told me his woman friend didn't want him, that he was searching for love and passion and someone to hold hands with in public"....blah blah blah.   He should have married that woman friend he was so in love with who didn't want him (just wanted him to pay for everything and take care of her).

Because I want physical affection and love, he gets angry at me.  I regret marrying him.  I don't think he ever really loved me to begin with, he just married me because I was the only woman willing to have a relationship with him.  The others were just using him for attention and money.  After we got engaged, he was doing online searches for that woman friend he was in love with.  I found that in his search history when using his computer and asked him "Why are you still searching for her online?".  He said because she owed him money.

I have tried leaving a few other times and he has promised me he isn't interested in other women, says the right things to get me to stay, says he will be more physical with me.  Nothing happens or changes.  We are nothing more than room mates and pals who live together.  I could have had that with a guy friends.  I married this man for love, passion, to feel secure and loved.  I have never felt secure, I have always felt rejected.  

Do I find a job, an apartment and leave him?  I have great credit and a chunk of money from an inheritance coming to me (that he was insisting I put in our joint checking account).  That money is not community property, it's money I need to get out.  He keeps saying he is tired of me feeling jealous and insecure and he can't live like "this" (me bringing up why he doesn't desire or want me but stares at other women).

He gaslights, is verbally abusive and screams, hits walls, breaks my things and blames me for being untrusting and jealous.  I'm tired of feeling like the crazy one.  I think he despises me because I am intelligent, a good person, and....I've been too attainable.  I call him out on his lies.  I can present facts to him that prove he has lied to me, he still denies it.  Little white lies but these are lies all the same.  Yet, he provides and does everything for me except have sex, he can not understand why I am unhappy and get upset when he oogles other women.  I think he lives in a fantasy land and it's more fun for him to fantasize about women he can't have and he can not handle a real woman and having to perform.  Easier to hide behind a computer and flirt or have emotional affairs and masturbate in secret than please a woman in bed next to him.  By keeping unattainable women at a distance and paying them to give him attention, he gets to be the hero without having to perform sexually.  I think this has been his m.o. ever since he began having ED problems (erectile dysfunction).  He has a very small penis when it is erect (which disputes the fact big men with big hands and feel have big penises).  Unattainable women he can help and fantasize about are more exciting than me.  

If he doesn't want me, why can't he just let me go?  When he screams at me to leave that he can't take it, I pack my stuff and leave and then he blows up my phone begging me to come back and work things out.  If I leave for good he can't know about it, he will block my car, make a scene in front of the neighbors.  

I am not happy, I don't feel secure, his temper scares me, he lack of desire for me makes me feel horrible.  How do I get out of this?  He works from home.  Do I find a storage place and start sneaking boxes out?  I'm tired of being made to feel like I am crazy for wanting my husband to love me and treat me with respect.   Sorry this is long, I just need advice.   

I was going to love him anyway despite his ED but the fact he has shown no attempts to please me sexually now for 2 years, he has hangups I can't understand or fix.  He said he hates his body, so I guess he has to punish me and deprive me of sex and that is not fair.  He never warned me that after we got married we would never have sex again.  He thinks providing a home and taking care of me so I don't have to work should be enough.  I should sympathize with him that his penis won't work and he has a brain tumor and he works hard to provide an easy life for me.  So I just put aside my needs and be happy being his house companion, maid and cook?  I can't seem to look past the lies he told me about all these women "friends" who were never just friends, they were women he was wanting to be with but they just used him for fun and money.

Sorry this is long but I have struggled with this and I need to unload somewhere... I have tried to overlook his past and the lies but I have a hard time trusting him because nothing makes sense or maybe it does and I had seeing I was conned into marriage.  Was I?

He blames me for everything and I have stayed because I took marriage vows and really wanted to make sense of this and do the right thing and give this marriage everything I've got before calling it quits. I keep my word and my committments but this is becoming poison to me.  My husband is great at gaslighting.  He can play victim and cry and suck me back in.  But in the process I'm being made to feel crazy and it's destroying me.  I am supposed to live without sex and physical affection like it's no big deal, he taking care of me financially so why complain?  Any advice is welcome.  

 

That's a lot of info, and I except it felt really good to actually write it all out and see for yourself that your concerns and feelings re rooted in his behaviour.
Simply put, I don;t think this is really about a sexless marriage.  I don't think you can trust this guy. he lies constantly, and of he'll lie about things that don't really matter ( looking at porn, which you say you are okay with) there's no way he's going to be honest about the bigger things.
you don't have to live like that- nor should you. I don't know what his problem is, but it doesn't have to be yours to. You two simply don;t sound like you are a good match when it comes to your values and ethics, and that's not a tenable situation.

[pepperbird]

On 2/9/2020 at 9:39 AM, thefooloftheyear said:

Couldn't get  through the whole thing either......but this mindset, really, isn't that rare for many  men...they just don't act on it, because its cruel/dishonest, and... as he's discovering,... not so easy to do...

He has figured out a way to compartmentalize women...In that sense all of them(you included) have a purpose in his life...If you all(you and these other so called friends of his) were compliant, then it would be the ultimate scenario for him....You are the "safe one" the reliable one, the one that is tending to his domestic needs...and gives him some sanity and stability.. and you always seem to forgive him for some things you shouldn't...In that sense you have become like the mother in this scenario...He likely wouldn't want to have sex with his mother either, so that probably explains why he's not being intimate with you or desiring you in that way...The other women he is juggling around is fulfilling the sexual part of his life...And he has many, so it satisfies the variety that a lot of men crave...And notice how he is picking women that are the weak/vulnerable types.?   He is very crafty on how he's doing this...By going about it in this way, he always has the upper hand...Just like when he told you not to work anymore...You probably thought that was soooo nice of him to take all that stress away.. IMO, .It was just a way for him to control you by taking away some of your independence...I'll give him some credit for orchestrating this thing in a way that puts him somewhat in the drivers seat...He has set it up as well as he possibly can under the conditions..

I do wonder that if he did actually :"fake it" and have sex with you regularly enough, would that be enough to get you off his back, and keep you from questioning things and snooping into his other women?...I dunno….

I could go on here, but there isn't more to say...I don't think you can have what you want out of this...He has gotten away with it, and even if you leave., my guess is he'll find another "you" to continue this...There are plenty out there ,....I think at this point, you need to make a decision...If you have a windfall of money coming all the better/easier,. even though if you were broke the advice would be the same...

Good luck to you .

TFY

this is an excellent point about taking away some of your independence. Abuse doesn't have to be physical-it can be verbal, emotional and mental too. A tactic abusers love to engage in is to isolate their spouse and make them dependent. I could be wrong, but I always felt that had a lot to do with the absuser's sense of powerlessness and helplessness against the world. By doing the above, they at least have power in one place in their life.
op, you aren't his mother, his therapist or the receptacle for all his angst. you are his wife, and deserve to be treated with respect.