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Complainers who don't want the answer - Psychology Today


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They call them “askholes” in this context because they always have a question and want help and advice but they never take it! They just stay stuck in the muck. They’re “askholes” 

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13 hours ago, K.K. said:

They call them “askholes” in this context because they always have a question and want help and advice but they never take it! They just stay stuck in the muck. They’re “askholes” 

Internet forums to the rescue!  IRL you'll run through people wiling to listen pretty quickly, barring family and spouses who are "stuck" :)

On-line there is a never ending parade of people you can "ask" and certainly an echo chamber somewhere.

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Negative behavior attention-seeking indoctrination/validation during socialization with poor development of superego.

I have some examples in my age group social circle that are still re-hashing stuff from four or five decades ago. 👍

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When I first trained in social work the book of the moment was 'Games People Play- The Psychology of Human Relationships' by Eric Berne. He said we relate to each other in three modes, as parent, adult or child. The goal as adults is we relate to each other adult to adult. That's true intimacy, and all the 'games' are a way to keep peers engaged whilst avoiding closeness.

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l've gotta admit , some of the younger guys round here moaning and crying in their milk cup , honestly, they sound like little babies to me , can't believe some of the bs and crying all over the internet. And yet with these ridiculous unbendable ideas in their heads and views about how it all works , man . just can not believe the sooks out there, no shame no pride . lt's like , l'm gonna get on that keyboard and tap my wittle fingers till they hurt. l really believe the internet age has literally retarded many people and their manhood .

Yet , l'm guilty myself of bothering to try with some of them , kick myself every time when it's 5 or 10 pages later and they're still at it crying away and stomping their feet.

 

Edited by chillii
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To be fair to the guys who write this stuff, a lot of them have social skill disorders and truly are ostracised by women and society.   They then fall prey to incel groups because they finally find others who feel the same way.   And those who say they don't have a social skill disorder are in denial.  

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Some people believe every problem has a solution and that love and relationship stuff is a problem with a specific quantifiable solution. Others vent to hear themselves talk and gather attention. No doubt a minority are mentally ill but IMO most are completely sane and know exactly what they're doing. It's purposeful. The beauty of free will and choice is others can choose to engage or walk away. 👍

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Cookiesandough

The writer of the article says they have experienced 

 .... getting a series of impractical suggestions from someone who then gets annoyed when I don’t immediately follow that unhelpful advice.”

And that’s just it. “Impractical” and “unhelpful” are often subject to opinion....

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2 hours ago, chillii said:

 l really believe the internet age has literally retarded many people and their manhood .

Yet , l'm guilty myself of bothering to try with some of them , kick myself every time when it's 5 or 10 pages later and they're still at it crying away and stomping their feet.

 

Yup, fraid so.  

Like the article says, "Don't wear yourself out!"  And I have done that so many times and I may do it once per unknown ungrateful poster just to give it my all, but from now on, I will not be doing it twice.  

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2 hours ago, basil67 said:

To be fair to the guys who write this stuff, a lot of them have social skill disorders and truly are ostracised by women and society.   They then fall prey to incel groups because they finally find others who feel the same way.   And those who say they don't have a social skill disorder are in denial.  

Bigtime.  Very annoying.  

 

And I get it.  There are occasionally people who can't help themselves because they have some mental disorder or illness.  And I don't know, you'd just think maybe they'd be lucid enough to understand if they can't help themself, no one else can help them either and not get their hair up about it.  

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Happy Lemming
32 minutes ago, preraph said:

And I have done that so many times and I may do it once per unknown ungrateful poster just to give it my all, but from now on, I will not be doing it twice.  

This is so true, this is advice I needed to read.

Thanks,. preraph!!

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Note that it says the article says to just ask them what they intend to do about it. If nothing else it might make them give it a little thought. 

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Sometimes I want to publish the things I say out loud or to myself while writing these things that I restrain myself from writing on the forum. Maybe I'll start putting them under venting without any context so they can't offend anyone.

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4 minutes ago, preraph said:

Sometimes I want to publish the things I say out loud or to myself while writing these things that I restrain myself from writing on the forum. Maybe I'll start putting them under venting without any context so they can't offend anyone.

Oh yes!! Consider it. It would be epic. 👍

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I just got a topical reminder tonight.... an old customer would often stop by and vent/complain/ have flashbacks to his helicopter gunship nightmares in 'Nam. Wasn't looking for any answers, just an ear. He wigged out on me a few years ago and left a bunch of stuff with an unpaid bill. I'm still trying to sell the stuff to cover my costs. Now I get a text tonight from another customer down in CA that he's gone missing in Oregon along the coast while fishing and hasn't been heard from or seen for five days. What do I start doing? Figuring out a way to help out in the search. IDK, maybe someday there will be a pill for my ailment👍 Anyway, complainers come in many forms. The PTSD 'Nam guys have been at the scary end of that.

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8 hours ago, chillii said:

these ridiculous unbendable ideas in their heads

Ain't that the truth.

ALWAYS BE HUMBLE AND KIND....can''t go far wrong then.

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7 hours ago, preraph said:

There are occasionally people who can't help themselves because they have some mental disorder or illness.

That's an excuse. I have a mental illness and not only do I go out of my way to not 'act out' with others, I don't even feel inadequate or ashamed of being who I am. 

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Ruby Slippers

A couple thoughts: a smart man once told me that what most people want most of all is simply to be understood.

Also, I'm reading a good relationship book right now that discusses how people tend to be very change-averse. We might know we need to change, seek out advice and even pay someone to tell us how to change, and then in most cases we find all kinds of creative ways to RESIST changing.

Example: You hire a personal trainer or nutritionist, they tell you exactly what to do, then you only slightly modify your habits, or not at all, eventually drifting back to your old ways. This is human nature. True change is HARD, takes focus and commitment.

Myself, I give advice freely without any expectation that the person follows it. Most people don't. But at least you can make them think and consider a different approach.

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On ‎2‎/‎11‎/‎2020 at 11:32 PM, carhill said:

Some people believe every problem has a solution and that love and relationship stuff is a problem with a specific quantifiable solution.

 

I'll own up to this. The article itself is very interesting. The thing is though when you learn to ride a bike, you have training wheels, try find training wheels in dating and well that's impossible, though I suppose 15-18yo are the training years so perhaps my point is without merit.

For me the fact there is no quantifiable solution is what irritates me, I read advice and much of it is good but how do you really apply it, what is objective and what is subjective? When I need to help someone with a problem I work through it with them and they steadily improve, the issue is dating doesn't work like that, one is up against factors one cannot control and mostly does not understand so yes people do moan because not matter how many people one asks, the answer will always be different.

I do think those (like me) who moan do so out of irritation to some extent and regret to a certain degree. Most of us know why we struggle but we cant rationalise the solution because almost all have no confidence at all at dating. Its not like people can simply change instantly, all of us are moulded in a certain way by events and experiences.

I am sure many hoped growing up to be able to date, to be found to be attractive by ladies, to get kissed and so on and so forth but what I for one never understood was the need to network in a social way, I am convinced if I had done this in High School I'd not only have more friends but I'd be a LOT better at dating. Sure, now I network in a purely business way but for most reach past a certain age and you stare at an abyss when the reality of being so far behind everyone else cannot be ignored, its this reality which makes people complain, people around me know how bad it is.

So yes I think the article raises good valid points.

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I have one "friend" who has always been a help-rejecting complainer. It did not work well with my "fixer" mentality. I would be offering solutions to her issues (some of which she accepted), but I would soon find that other issues/complaints would pop up in their place once resolved. Much of her "bad luck" was self-imposed. I finally had to simply distance myself from her. We all have problems in our lives, some of which are not so easily resolvable and some of which only we can resolve by modifying our own behavior. 

I try very hard to steer clear of these help-rejecting complainers, now. I do not have the time nor the patience for any of it!

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