DragonzRoost Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 (edited) How do you keep a firm stance on getting a divorce and calling things quit? If the other person begs to change or wants you back, how do you handle this if you know deep down it is over? I plan to go to counseling with my Husband, but I am not sure what to do should things really be over between us or if it doesn't work out. Lastly, how do you overcome the pain with removing that part of your life after being married? I feel like if I end things in the future, apart of me is being severed in half. Its so incredibly painful and I don't know how to push myself forward to finalize things, should that time ever come. If I know we are not going to work out in the future or ever come to a clear decision, how do I make this clear that my decision will never change? Especially if they beg or cry and with everything I have in boxes from my marriage, like wedding dress, photos and gifts. Edited February 6, 2020 by DragonzRoost Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 You just do, and don't look back. The longer you keep the other person in limbo... the worse the hurt to that person. Personly... if your min is already at that point... going to a MC will be futile. The hurt will subside when you two are apart. You will be able to focus on your new life, and you will survive. Although... it will rough for a while. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 I was married for 23 years. Yes, divorcing was painful and difficult and a rough adjustment. But it was preferable to spending the rest of my life unhappily married. Pulling the trigger, telling my husband I wanted a divorce, was the single most difficult part of the divorce process. When he realized I wasn't going to change my mind, it did get a little ugly for a bit, but that passed. There are lots of difficult points along the way, but honestly for me telling him was the worst. After that I was able to just concentrate on getting through the process knowing things would be better eventually. I've been officially divorced 3 1/2 years, separated 10 months prior to that. I have never regretted my decision, even during some of the rougher early days. My xH will always be a part of my history, and of course that comes with some unsettling feelings at times. But again - I've never regretted my decision. If you know you're done, then don't drag it out. Be strong and move forward. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
wtm78 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 Sounds like you have already made up your mind. In that case make a list of the reasons for this decision. Everytime you waiver, take out the list and remind yourself. You will do both of you a favour. I'm separated for 9 months, she fluctuates between waiting for me to go find her to wanting to be alone forever (she says it with conviction) and blaming me for not eating with her family during festive occasions to let's go out a few times and see what happens to radio silence to hey how are you to radio silence again. It really screws with me. Divorce is a tragic process like death of love ones. It can take a toll or even cut you in halves. But the pain will eventually go away for you. It may take weeks or months or years. But it will. Take care of yourself and take time to heal. Love yourself and hopefully you will find love again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 Understand that a failed divorce is staying together or getting back together. As someone said, move a few of your things to wherever you intend to go (clothes, etc - the necessities) and tell him. Maybe do it on a Sunday morning. Then leave. If you have to go back to get the rest of your stuff then do it with others present. Never be there alone. Never. Tell him you are set in your decision and will not consider any other course. It will be hard and get harder for a while. You WILL likely second guess yourself. Let that pass. Never cave in to it. Know brighter days are ahead. Divorce is hard. I wouldn't kid you about that but it is also very much worth it if you are in a bad situation - and it sounds like you are. Sometimes you have to break things to ultimately fix them. Be kind to yourself. Own up to your part in it and then forgive yourself. Don't spend too much time dwelling on that but you don't want to make the same mistakes again. Concentrate on your well being (and your kids if you have them). Do nice things for yourself and others. Live day by day. Try to get a decent place to live (if you relocate which may be much easier than staying) and don't argue over nickels. Be fair in splitting things but don't let yourself get ripped off so much you will regret it later. Get a lawyer. See them before you split so you know the legalities. Go VERY slow dating. Be by yourself and be the best you that you can be for a while. Exercise. Remember to eat well . The 'divorce diet' can be dangerous to your health. Pay attention to your health. Sleep. Don't use alcohol (or drugs) to excess. It will NOT help and definitely can hurt. Use this forum. It can help. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 If you are really scared for your safety make sure someone else is nearby when you tell him or have him served and then call him if you'd like. Link to post Share on other sites
ThePhoenixStillRises Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 On 2/7/2020 at 4:47 PM, FMW said: I was married for 23 years. Yes, divorcing was painful and difficult and a rough adjustment. But it was preferable to spending the rest of my life unhappily married. Pulling the trigger, telling my husband I wanted a divorce, was the single most difficult part of the divorce process. When he realized I wasn't going to change my mind, it did get a little ugly for a bit, but that passed. There are lots of difficult points along the way, but honestly for me telling him was the worst. After that I was able to just concentrate on getting through the process knowing things would be better eventually. I've been officially divorced 3 1/2 years, separated 10 months prior to that. I have never regretted my decision, even during some of the rougher early days. My xH will always be a part of my history, and of course that comes with some unsettling feelings at times. But again - I've never regretted my decision. If you know you're done, then don't drag it out. Be strong and move forward. While my divorce is more recent than @FMW....my sentiments can almost mimic her post. I was married for almost 18 years.....and I tried over and over to imagine myself just going through the motions for the rest of my life, but I just couldn't. I knew that I deserved to be happy during those years I had left instead of being miserable. If your husband isn't onboard with a divorce, things can get ugly and emotions can run very high...sometimes even volatile. Once I made the decision, I mapped out steps that I needed to take to extricate myself from that shared life, and I completed them one by one. I have pretty much rebuilt my life in less than a year...so I am proof that it can be done. Find your strength...use your resources...and don't let him take advantage of you in the process. Those are the best words of advice that I can give you. I haven't regretted my decision one bit. You need to do what is best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 On 2/7/2020 at 6:59 AM, DragonzRoost said: If I know we are not going to work out in the future or ever come to a clear decision, how do I make this clear that my decision will never change? Especially if they beg or cry and with everything I have in boxes from my marriage, like wedding dress, photos and gifts. When I got to this stage of leaving my ex-h, I was able to emotionally separate myself from his begging and crying. I stayed absolutely deadpan, no emotion at all, and just reiterated that it was too late and I no longer cared about the marriage. It's knowing that you're done is what gives one the strength to remove all of your emotions from the discussions. Link to post Share on other sites
wtm78 Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 On 2/8/2020 at 4:54 AM, Blind-Sided said: You just do, and don't look back. The longer you keep the other person in limbo... the worse the hurt to that person. yes OP, dont look back. false hope damages both of you... Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted April 23, 2020 Share Posted April 23, 2020 My divorce was 3 years ago. My ex husband was the one who asked for it, not me. I didn't want it and I was the one begging him to stay but I was really scared how I would survive given I was so reliant on him financially and due to my disability. But looking back it was the best thing he ever did because I am so much happier! I met a wonderful man and we have been together 2.5 years. I am glad my ex husband stuck to his guns and didn't give in because we would not have been able to work through things. We tried for years and we just couldn't make it work. It was for the best, but we did try therapy multiple times and just couldn't. All that being said divorce is a very painful and hard road. Especially if you have kids. It's sort of a catch-22 because it can often be for the best but it leaves lasting scars that are very difficult to overcome. Try therapy and go in with an open mind. Either therapy will work and you'll find a way to work through your differences, or you won't and it will be for the best..then you will have the piece of mind knowing you are doing the right thing and you did everything you could to try to save it-with no regrets. Link to post Share on other sites
Londoner81 Posted April 26, 2020 Share Posted April 26, 2020 On 2/6/2020 at 7:59 PM, DragonzRoost said: How do you keep a firm stance on getting a divorce and calling things quit? If the other person begs to change or wants you back, how do you handle this if you know deep down it is over? I plan to go to counseling with my Husband, but I am not sure what to do should things really be over between us or if it doesn't work out. Lastly, how do you overcome the pain with removing that part of your life after being married? I feel like if I end things in the future, apart of me is being severed in half. Its so incredibly painful and I don't know how to push myself forward to finalize things, should that time ever come. If I know we are not going to work out in the future or ever come to a clear decision, how do I make this clear that my decision will never change? Especially if they beg or cry and with everything I have in boxes from my marriage, like wedding dress, photos and gifts. Your post resonated with me as I am in a similar situation as you. I am pretty confident that I have made my decision that my marriage is not working and it is time to end it and I am largely at peace with that decision, but I do have doubts about how I will feel, react and behave once the journey starts. I see your post is from February, so maybe you have already started your separation? If so, how is it going? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 26, 2020 Share Posted April 26, 2020 In your case, when you feel weak like you are thinking about giving in to the emotional lies, come back here to LS & re-read your past posts about all the rotten things your husband has done to you; all the dreams he squelched; how badly his family treated you; how genuinely incompatible you two are and then set your resolve because whatever he says to you now is a big fat LIE. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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