Conflicting emotions

[mighty-nerd]

Greetings again all...

Been a while since I posted.  Still with my W, who attempted suicide almost 2 years ago.  She is sober now and even sponsors a couple of people in AA (although opioids were her choice).  

I'm still just not... happy, though.  I feel lonely in general... yet when she's gone to work or an AA meeting, I relish the time alone.  

I don't miss her at all... when I'm at work I dread going home.  Yet I dread going to work the next day.  

I've been purposely distant from her the past few days, due to her hurting my feelings and not offering to apologize... yet when she acts upset, I want to smooth it over.  I can't bring myself to tell her my feelings because she'll either play the victim or lash out.  I just don't want conflict but I want out... 

I don't want to be needed by anyone... I want to be wanted.  And she says she wants to be with me, but I never feel that way.  

I don't think I love her, and I don't think she loves me; if she does, then I don't like the way it's expressed.  I want to love someone and for them to love me back, just not her. 

Sorry for the rant... open to advice on how to resolve internal conflict.  And it's a couple or 3 weeks before I can see my counselor. 

[Blind-Sided]

Sorry for what you are feeling. You need to feel loved, and needed.  Have you tried to talk to her about how see feels?   Maybe she feels the same  way, and a mutual divorce will be an easy thing.

[FMW]

Are you feeling unhappy enough to actually take the steps to divorce?  Do you see any way that the situation can change so that you can stay married to her and be happy?

Give it careful thought.  If you want to make an attempt at saving your marriage then try to talk to her, maybe go to counseling together.  But if you're really done then you need to start preparing to end things.