how do I desire my girlfriend more?

[single_guy]

My girlfriend of 2 years is a fantastic woman.  Great personality.  Pretty face.  No faults.  The problem is that I'm much more sexually attracted to many other women I see.  What do I do about this?  Is there a way I can be less sad that my girlfriend doesn't have the body shapes I really love, and not care that she doesn't?

[manfrombelow2]

Before you are voicing your concern over the fact that your girl's sexual attraction doesn't live up to your expectation, ask yourself this: Is your value as a man (financial strength, social status, appearance, you name it...) living up to your girl's expectation?

We all have the tendency to ask too much from one another without realizing that it is very likely that we cannot live up to that either.

And guys like you are very easy to fall into the classic mistakes of having sexual affair with other women aka CHEATING, to eventually crawl back here crying to us - a bunch of Internet strangers - about how you regret your mistakes and that you would do anything just to have a second chance with your girl.

Come on man. You either dump your girl right now, or you suck it up and accept her for who she is. That's what a MAN does.

[ExpatInItaly]

Throughout your two years together, has she always more or less looked the way she does now? What attracted you to her in the first place?

You can't manufacture attraction that just isn't there, in my experience. It wouldn't be fair to either of you to continue a relationship in which you're essentially forcing yourself to be with someone you aren't attracted to, but I would reflect on where these feelings are coming from and how long they've been there. 

[Mystery4u]

If this is how you feel after 2 years then your feelings are not going to change. Time to find another girlfriend.

[chillii]

Yep , afraid so , women/people can come on and sprout all the malarkey they want but l'm afraid it's very simple , she just doesn't do it for ya. Unless it's only lately because now she's let herself go or something and even if so , she'd have to want to get back into shape and stay there , there's not much you can do

 

Edited February 7, 2020 by chillii

[Fletch Lives]

If it helps - a prettier girl with a bad personality would look ugly to you, down the road.

Also, keep in mind that nobody is perfect. Are you perfect?

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, single_guy said:

My girlfriend of 2 years is a fantastic woman.  Great personality.  Pretty face.  No faults.  The problem is that I'm much more sexually attracted to many other women I see.  What do I do about this?  Is there a way I can be less sad that my girlfriend doesn't have the body shapes I really love, and not care that she doesn't?

A)Where are these other women you see with great body shapes?
At work, on the street, on the bus, at the supermarket or are they on the internet? Celebrities, porn stars, instagram models... etc.???
B)Are you actually capable of attracting a woman with a better body shape than your gf?

 

[Blind-Sided]

Everything above is spot on.   Body types change over the years... and that's just a "Surface" kind of thing.   A long relationship is all about what's inside.  Go ahead and date the hot chick with the perfect body, and you will be back here crying how she is flirting with everyone... or that she dumped you because you don't workout every day.

Look at yourself in the mirror.  Are you perfect?  Look at your career... look at your bank account... look at your hobbies, and hobbits.... are they "Perfect"?

You have been with someone who you say you love, and that she has no real faults... and you say you aren't attracted to her NOW. Personally it sounds like you may be a little shallow.  I really hate to sound harsh like that... but from what you have told us... that's what I see.   Besides, attractiveness is all mental. See the good in her, and you will be attracted. I can tell you that I loved my exw, and was attracted to her... but when she turned cruel, and tore my family apart... she was UGLY to me... because I saw her age, and I saw her "Not perfect body shape".  But this all overlooked when you love their core.  

With all that said... you need to learn to love past looks, or you will never be happy in life.  Lets face it... as you get older... so will the woman you will be with.

[single_guy]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Throughout your two years together, has she always more or less looked the way she does now? What attracted you to her in the first place?

You can't manufacture attraction that just isn't there, in my experience. It wouldn't be fair to either of you to continue a relationship in which you're essentially forcing yourself to be with someone you aren't attracted to, but I would reflect on where these feelings are coming from and how long they've been there. 

I met her online.  I had messaged many, many women who I was very physically attracted to, but I got NO replies to them.  So I relaxed my physical goals a bit, which is why I reached out to this woman, who's now my girlfriend.  She was so sweet and nice, I had to give it a chance.  But she doesn't have one of the body types I so love, and that longing has never gone away.  I've even tried hypnosis to get rid of it!  But she's such a beautiful soul that I feel I would be a fool to cast her aside.  So what can I do?  How can I STOP desiring body shapes that she doesn't have?  Please help me!  I'm so stuck between a rock and a hard place!

Edited February 7, 2020 by single_guy

[single_guy]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

A)Where are these other women you see with great body shapes?
At work, on the street, on the bus, at the supermarket or are they on the internet? Celebrities, porn stars, instagram models... etc.???
B)Are you actually capable of attracting a woman with a better body shape than your gf?

 

A) The women are on the street, in grocery stores, at the register in drive-thru windows, etc.  I don't watch porn anymore, because I don't want it to influence my expectations.  B) Maybe not!  But I like a LOT of out-of-shape, even VERY out-of-shape women!  Why can't I seem to attract them?  I'm a decent-looking guy - my girlfriend says I'm very cute.  I've had women online say I'm handsome.  Listen to this: my girlfriend works at a retail place and gets hit on almost DAILY!  She doesn't tell me all the times she gets hit on, because she doesn't want to make me insecure.  But she's had GORGEOUS guys (way, way better-looking than me) hit on her.  Why can't I get ANY gorgeous women to show any interest in me?  Why?!?

[single_guy]

1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said:

If it helps - a prettier girl with a bad personality would look ugly to you, down the road.

Also, keep in mind that nobody is perfect. Are you perfect?

Oh, I'm far from perfect.  I know that.  But why don't I get hit on by ANY women I find gorgeous?  My girlfriend gets hit on all the time at work - she's customer-facing at a retail place.  Why can't I get SOME affirmation by strangers that I'm cute?  I feel so undesired - like other than my girlfriend, women in general don't give a crap about me.  It makes me feel horrible and ugly.

[Mystery4u]

7 minutes ago, single_guy said:

I met her online.  I had messaged many, many women who I was very physically attracted to, but I got NO replies to them.  So I relaxed my physical goals a bit, which is why I reached out to this woman, who's now my girlfriend.  She was so sweet and nice, I had to give it a chance.  But she doesn't have one of the body types I so love, and that longing has never gone away.  I've even tried hypnosis to get rid of it!  But she's such a beautiful soul that I feel I would be a fool to cast her aside.  So what can I do?  How can I STOP desiring body shapes that she doesn't have?  Please help me!  I'm so stuck between a rock and a hard place!

You can't stop. You need both physical and mental attraction to be in a relationship. If you don't feel physically attracted to her after 2 year it's not going to change by hypnosis or anything. You gave it a chance as you said, and have found out that she doesn't quite do it for you. Nothing wrong with that. End things so you can find someone to be happy with as it clearly is not her.

[NomiMalone]

If I was in a relationship with a guy and found out that not only did he settle for me because he couldn’t get hotter girls, but he had no desire for me physically at all, I would be hurt enough to dump him. I know you can’t help the way you feel, and it’s not your fault you don’t find her body type attractive. 

But your girlfriend deserves a man who finds her looks attractive (and like you said, there’re many who do). Let her go so she can find a guy like that. If she finds out how you really feel, it could sadly ruin her self esteem. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you found out your girlfriend dislikes your body shape and found other, hotter guys to be way more sexually attractive? 

[single_guy]

NomiMalone, I do find my girlfriend physically attractive, just nowhere near as much as some women I see around.  I focus on the physical traits I like about my girlfriend when we're intimate, but I still long for one of the shapes I really like.  She checks 9 out of 10 boxes, and even the last box (the physical), she makes up for part of it by sex talk in bed (not something I asked for, but very glad she does it).  So how do I say goodbye to someone who has 95% of what I want?  How can I crush someone's heart who is so awesome?  Maybe I just need to suck it up for the rest of my life.  It wouldn't be a prison sentence - she is tremendous in so many ways.  Even if by some chance I could get a woman who I am much more sexually attracted to, she almost certainly wouldn't have many of the other great traits my girlfriend has.  I am so stuck!  If only one of those women who were my physical favorites online responded to my messages, I maybe wouldn't be in this predicament!  Why has this happened to me?  Why does my girlfriend get hit on relentlessly and I am invisible to women?  Maybe all I need is some affirmation that I'm desirable to an attractive woman other than my girlfriend.  I don't think most women realize how truly awful this feels.

Edited February 7, 2020 by single_guy

[smackie9]

pretty normal to lust outside the box my friend. Men mostly by nature enjoy variety. That fairy tale of lusting your SO completely and forever is a farce.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, single_guy said:

B) Maybe not!  But I like a LOT of out-of-shape, even VERY out-of-shape women!  Why can't I seem to attract them?  I'm a decent-looking guy - my girlfriend says I'm very cute. 

 

2 hours ago, single_guy said:

I like about my girlfriend when we're intimate, but I still long for one of the shapes I really like.

 

2 hours ago, single_guy said:

Listen to this: my girlfriend works at a retail place and gets hit on almost DAILY!

I'm still trying to figure out what you want.  Are you saying your gf is gorgeous by society's standards but you are more attracted to VERY out-of-shape women who won't hit on you?

[single_guy]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

 

I'm still trying to figure out what you want.  Are you saying your gf is gorgeous by society's standards but you are more attracted to VERY out-of-shape women who won't hit on you?

I'm saying my girlfriend is very pretty (her face) by society's standards, but I long for a voluptuous body (even heavy voluptuous) as well, which she doesn't have.

[stillafool]

Oh I see, she has a pretty face but has more of a skinny build and you want more meat on the bones.  If this is true I see you becoming less and less attracted to her.  Even if she gains weight she probably won't become voluptuous.  When you break up with her approach the women you want and don't expect them to come to you.  Most women are deathly afraid of rejection.  You can have the woman you want you just have to make the first move.

Edited February 7, 2020 by stillafool

[stillafool]

Oh, and since you said you are attracted to VERY out of shape women you should definitely have no problem.  They aren't coming on to any man because of the fear of rejection and will be quite happy to be pursued.  You can get a pretty face with the body shape you want no problem if you're here in the U.S.

[Kitty Tantrum]

One of the biggest travesties of all this modern "equality" business is that men these days seem to think that the normal and natural way of things is for women to do as much "approaching" as men. 

Why does your girlfriend get hit on by gorgeous men while you don't get approached and hit on by gorgeous women?

Well, it's because you're a man. And they're women. That's just how it goes, my friend.

It sounds like you're starting to resent your girlfriend, almost like you're in some sort of competition against her for who can get the most external validation and attention.

That's not good for your relationship, but it's also straight up bad for YOU, period, because it's putting yourself in a situation where you will literally never win.

Men don't get the sort of attention from women that women get from men.

It's just like I told my ex-husband when he started throwing a hissy fit after HE wanted to open our marriage... and then found out that he got zero unsolicited attention from females while I literally had to delete dozens of messages per day: if you want that kind of attention, you have to get it from the gender that actually gives it. You could have all kinds of gorgeous gay men lining up for a shot at you if you make it known that you're available!

Not gonna get it from women. lol

[sothereiwas]

2 minutes ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

One of the biggest travesties of all this modern "equality" business is that men these days seem to think that the normal and natural way of things is for women to do as much "approaching" as men. 

I can't argue, but what I can do is comment on this topic, the paying for dates topic, and other related topics by saying "sorry ladies, but you broke it, so you own it."

 

[Kitty Tantrum]

Just now, sothereiwas said:

I can't argue, but what I can do is comment on this topic, the paying for dates topic, and other related topics by saying "sorry ladies, but you broke it, so you own it."

 

No; our mothers and grandmothers broke it... and their fathers, husbands, and brothers let them. Don't try to pin that on me. Just 'cause I was born into someone else's mess doesn't make it mine.

[SumGuy]

4 hours ago, single_guy said:

A) The women are on the street, in grocery stores, at the register in drive-thru windows, etc.  I don't watch porn anymore, because I don't want it to influence my expectations.  B) Maybe not!  But I like a LOT of out-of-shape, even VERY out-of-shape women!  Why can't I seem to attract them?  I'm a decent-looking guy - my girlfriend says I'm very cute.  I've had women online say I'm handsome.  Listen to this: my girlfriend works at a retail place and gets hit on almost DAILY!  She doesn't tell me all the times she gets hit on, because she doesn't want to make me insecure.  But she's had GORGEOUS guys (way, way better-looking than me) hit on her.  Why can't I get ANY gorgeous women to show any interest in me?  Why?!?

Thus may sound odd, but can you find porn with women who share your girlfriends body type?  The closer to her the better.  In essence use the expectation influencing aspect of porn to your advantage to train yourself to better respond to her shape, look etc.?

Also, is there a look (like lingerie or hair or anything) that helps turn you on that she is cool with and can do? 

Why?  Grass is greener syndrome.  Have you tried a therapist  to get to the bottom of this, to at least understand where your strong desire for a certain body type may arise? 

It could just be inherent, I have my type no doubt but also do not really think on it when I've had girlfriends outside of my preferred type.  I'm also kind of odd for a man (I think).  When I'm content with my girlfriend (which is not hard to achieve) I don't have a wandering eye.  I've noticed I really don't even turn my head when a sexy woman even dressed in a accentuating manner walks by.

[SumGuy]

5 hours ago, single_guy said:

Oh, I'm far from perfect.  I know that.  But why don't I get hit on by ANY women I find gorgeous?  My girlfriend gets hit on all the time at work - she's customer-facing at a retail place.  Why can't I get SOME affirmation by strangers that I'm cute?  I feel so undesired - like other than my girlfriend, women in general don't give a crap about me.  It makes me feel horrible and ugly.

?  Because women as a general rule are much less likely to hit on men than men are to hit on women.  In fact, in my view and experience, women have a harder time with rejection so there a gorgeous woman isn't going to hit on men as she doesn't need to and if she thinks your gorgeous she may fear rejection herself.  AND she likely figures if the gorgeous guy is interested in her he'll hit on her.

Also, stop defining your self worth through such things, one they are trivial and two your misinterpreting normal day to day behavior as rejection.

[Els]

5 hours ago, single_guy said:

I met her online.  I had messaged many, many women who I was very physically attracted to, but I got NO replies to them.  So I relaxed my physical goals a bit, which is why I reached out to this woman, who's now my girlfriend.  She was so sweet and nice, I had to give it a chance.  But she doesn't have one of the body types I so love, and that longing has never gone away.  I've even tried hypnosis to get rid of it!  But she's such a beautiful soul that I feel I would be a fool to cast her aside.  So what can I do?  How can I STOP desiring body shapes that she doesn't have?  Please help me!  I'm so stuck between a rock and a hard place!

Let her go. Someone else will be thrilled to have her, she will finally have a man who feels desire for her, and you can go look for other women whom you find attractive. Seriously, getting together with someone you feel NOTHING for just because you've been rejected by others is one of the most cowardly things you could ever do.