how do I desire my girlfriend more?

[single_guy]

10 minutes ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

Besides, I don't need (or want) that kind of attention from anyone other than my husband to feel validated. Actually, I've NEVER derived validation from having men pay attention to me or hit on me. I try to hide from that kind of attention. I suppose I feel validated by my marriage - but that's worlds apart from being validated by horny salivating randos.

And that's the huge difference between men and women.  Men, because we don't get unsolicited attention from women, CRAVE it all the more so.  We want to know we're attractive to a subset of women (even if it's a small subset of women), we want to know that some women who don't know us look at us and feel an attraction, even lust.  We want to know that we matter sexually.

[basil67]

And how is the above related to your goal of finding your girlfriend more attractive?

[single_guy]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

And how is the above related to your goal of finding your girlfriend more attractive?

If I wasn't so bothered about feeling invisible to women in general, I would feel that I had options but I chose my girlfriend, not that I need to hold on to her because I have no other good options.

[MsJayne]

12 minutes ago, single_guy said:

It is not being mean to want to be desired by more than one person of the opposite sex.  It is being human.

My BF thinks I'm gorgeous, and that's enough for me. If I needed the attention of other men as well, that would make me a bit of a shallow dimwit at best, and a narcissistic plonker at worst.  If you had genuine feelings for your GF,  you wouldn't even be thinking about other women, let alone comparing your GF unfavourably to them. I feel really sorry for your GF, I bet she'd be devo'd if she knew that you secretly think she's got the sex appeal of a house brick. 

[single_guy]

1 minute ago, MsJayne said:

My BF thinks I'm gorgeous, and that's enough for me. If I needed the attention of other men as well, that would make me a bit of a shallow dimwit at best, and a narcissistic plonker at worst.  If you had genuine feelings for your GF,  you wouldn't even be thinking about other women, let alone comparing your GF unfavourably to them. I feel really sorry for your GF, I bet she'd be devo'd if she knew that you secretly think she's got the sex appeal of a house brick. 

A woman feels the need for attention from just one man because, subconsciously, she knows she already has it from many other men.  A man knows he's invisible and a nobody to almost all women, so he craves it from random women.

[Kitty Tantrum]

3 minutes ago, single_guy said:

If I wasn't so bothered about feeling invisible to women in general, I would feel that I had options but I chose my girlfriend, not that I need to hold on to her because I have no other good options.

That's a disgusting way to think about another human being and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Break up with the poor girl and work on yourself until you can get what you really want. Until you feel like you do have options.

This is not some kind of insurmountable handicap that you have to live with your whole life, unless you refuse to put in the work to better yourself.

None of the men I know hang their self-esteem on attention they get from "random women." This phenomenon you're describing, this is not "men" - this is YOU and men LIKE YOU.

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, single_guy said:

If I wasn't so bothered about feeling invisible to women in general, I would feel that I had options but I chose my girlfriend, not that I need to hold on to her because I have no other good options.

I have no idea what you're trying to say.

[gaius]

If you were actually getting unsolicited female attention you might find you don't enjoy it as much as you thought you would. It's uncomfortable and awkward to have to shoot down an aggressive woman. 

Develop a skill or talent and build your ego and self confidence by being better than other people at something. It's a little debilitating to feed off others attention like a vampire.

[Kitty Tantrum]

30 minutes ago, single_guy said:

we want to know that some women who don't know us look at us and feel an attraction, even lust.

That's not how the vast majority of women operate, though. Like I said, you're getting all torn up and butthurt that women don't act like men. It's ridiculous.

Most women feel lust reactively - that is to say, they begin to desire you once you've pushed the right buttons. It almost never happens the way it does with men - where they can see an attractive woman and pop a boner based on nothing but that visual.

You might see a hot woman walk by and later go home and jerk off to the mental image you captured. You feel lust.

A woman might see a hot man walk by - and later she thinks to herself wistfully: "I wish he had talked to me." Chances are very low she's diddling herself to the memory. She feels a passing interest that could have maybe potentially turned into lust if he'd approached her and reciprocated her not-instantly-sexual interest.

Why you insist on taking the broad biological, social, and cultural differences between the genders so personally is beyond me.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, have you ever considered therapy?

And not to try to force yourself to be attracted to your girlfriend (which isn't going to happen, bud), but to help you deal with blatant self-loathing and victimized mentality that seems deeply embedded in you. 

Edited February 10, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[single_guy]

4 hours ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

That's a disgusting way to think about another human being and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Break up with the poor girl and work on yourself until you can get what you really want. Until you feel like you do have options.

This is not some kind of insurmountable handicap that you have to live with your whole life, unless you refuse to put in the work to better yourself.

None of the men I know hang their self-esteem on attention they get from "random women." This phenomenon you're describing, this is not "men" - this is YOU and men LIKE YOU.

Kitty, I don't think of my girlfriend as badly as I put it.  She's awesome and I love her I think.  I just can't shake feeling jealous of what you and most women have - that unsolicited attention from the opposite sex.  I know it's because the sexes are different, but knowing that doesn't really reduce the sting.  What your ex-husband did was terrible, trying to open up his marriage when you didn't want to, but I can relate to the pain he felt when his experiment didn't go as he had hoped.  He thought "I'm a decent guy, I'm good-looking, why did I get ignored?"  He didn't understand this difference in the sexes as it relates to sexual attraction.  He quickly got reminded how you will always have it better than him in that department.  (I know you don't care for attention from random men, but you understand my point.)

There were a number of women I reached out to online that I wanted to hear back from, but I didn't.  When I "widened my net", my girlfriend was one of the ones I heard back from.  Should I have not "widened my net"?  Maybe not, but when you aren't getting any attention like I was (this is where you don't understand the pain), you start doing SOMETHING to change that.

But my girlfriend is fantastic.  I never would have stayed with her this long if she wasn't.  She's a beautiful person inside and out, and I could be quite happy with her and her family and friends.  Will I ever be in love with her as she is with me?  Perhaps not, but I need to weigh my chances of finding someone I would be more in love with, and I don't think those chances are good.  I'm past the midpoint of my life for certain and I don't have decades to search for something which I could very well not find.  Of course I wouldn't tell her all this, but I make her very, very happy, and she makes me quite happy, so is this a terrible situation?  I don't think so.  I just want to figure out how to not be bothered by the voluptuous women I see.  But maybe this is something, as a guy, I will NEVER get past.  And maybe I'm being too hard on myself - it's how guys are wired.  Guys are visual, and guys are more immediately sexual than women.  You've already pointed this out a few times.  I will likely ALWAYS be excited over random women in a way that you, my girlfriend, and other women will not.  My girlfriend even talks about other, anonymous women when we're intimate as a way of charging me up more (NOT something I ever asked for - she just knows how guys are).  She is a one-in-a-million woman who I would probably be a damn fool to let go of.

[single_guy]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, have you ever considered therapy?

And not to try to force yourself to be attracted to your girlfriend (which isn't going to happen, bud), but to help you deal with blatant self-loathing and victimized mentality that seems deeply embedded in you. 

I am currently in therapy, again.  I've talked about this for years with counselors actually.  Thanks for suggesting it though.  Maybe you describe me pretty well - I don't know.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, single_guy said:

I am currently in therapy, again.  I've talked about this for years with counselors actually.  Thanks for suggesting it though.  Maybe you describe me pretty well - I don't know.

And what does your therapist say about your feelings of inadequacy?

[single_guy]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And what does your therapist say about your feelings of inadequacy?

They sometimes say I'm looking for validation that guys in general don't get, like some commenters here.  They sometimes also mention it's because I grew up shy and with a mom who wasn't touchy-feely.  I blame different things like that I don't work with women, lack of brothers, sisters who never set me up, lack of opportunity to meet women in general, the fact that men aren't hit on, etc.

[ExpatInItaly]

And what sorts of things have you done to improve your low self-esteem, rather than simply searching for a source of blame?

I mean real, measurable actions. Identifying where it comes from is only part of the equation. Working on those feelings of low self-worth needs to come from in you, and not just be pinned on third parties (ie. attractive women) to provide you with. 

 

[chillii]

5 hours ago, single_guy said:

A woman feels the need for attention from just one man because, subconsciously, she knows she already has it from many other men.  A man knows he's invisible and a nobody to almost all women, so he craves it from random women.

 

Again , speak for yourself man ,  you crave this need that . l already know exactly where l stand my women is only too happy to let me know should l need whatever l might need.  And l do have eyes and senses when l'm out and about which l think you must be a bit short on frankly. Women aren't gonna come up and hit ya with a brick , you have to be open. Anyway , l've heard plenty of women carrying on the way you are even married, especially married , but l don't think l've ever heard guys banging on like that. You sound needy as all hell, almost feminine or babyish the way your carrying on.

Anyway , like l suggested somewhere miles back , if you don't like her then man up and set the poor girl free so that she finds someone who does , and meanwhile you can go sort yourself out.

Edited February 10, 2020 by chillii

[single_guy]

6 hours ago, Ellener said:

Honey, it's called SELF-esteem, the value you give to yourself, your self-respect.

I've pasted some info below from Inc.com on suggestions for how to build self-esteem:

Low self-esteem is unfortunately a self-fulling prophecy. The worse you feel about who you are and what you do, the less motivation you'll have to do what it takes to build your self-esteem.

From there it's easy to spiral down into a cycle of negative and circular thinking, keeping you mired in damaging--and erroneous--beliefs.

How can you stop this vicious cycle and start moving yourself in a more positive direction?

It's a process, and it won't happen overnight, but there are things you can do to get it started and keep it moving. Here are powerful ways to improve your self-esteem quickly in order to start feeling more confident.

1. Master a new skill.

When you become skilled in something that corresponds with your talents and interests, you increase your sense of competency.

2. List your accomplishments.

Think about all the things you've accomplished, then write them down. Make a list of everything you've done that you feel proud of, everything you've done well. Review your list when you need a reminder of your ability to get things done and to do them well.

3. Do something creative.

Creative tasks are a great way to put the flow back into your life. Creativity stimulates the brain, so the more you use it, the greater the benefits. Pull out your old guitar, write a story or poem, take a dance class or sign up for a community theater production. When you add the challenge of trying something new, it helps you even more.

4. Get clear on your values.

Determine what your values are and examine your life to see where you're not living in alignment with what you believe. Then make any necessary changes. The more you know what you stand for, the more confident you will be.

5. Challenge your limiting beliefs.

When you catch yourself thinking negatively about yourself, stop and challenge yourself. Don't let yourself be limited by erroneous beliefs.

6. Stand at edge of your comfort zone.

Stretch yourself and move to the edge of your comfort zone. Get uncomfortable--try something new, meet different people or approach a situation in an unconventional way. Confidence begins at the edge of your comfort zone.

7. Help someone.

Use your talents, skills and abilities to help others. Give someone direct assistance, share helpful resources or teach someone something they want to learn. Offer something you do well as a gift to someone.

8. Heal your past.

Unresolved issues and drama can keep you trapped in low self-esteem. Seek the support of a trained counselor to help you heal the past so you can move onto the future in a confident and self-assured way.

9. Stop worrying about what others think.

When you worry about what others will think of you, you never feel free to be completely yourself. Make a firm decision to stop worrying about what other people think--begin making choices based on what you want, not what you think others want from you.

10. Read something inspirational.

A great way to gain more self-esteem is to read something that lifts you up and makes you feel positive about yourself.

11. Reclaim your integrity.

Define what integrity means for you, and ensure that you're living in accordance with that understanding. If your life isn't aligned with your character, it will drain you and leave you feeling bad about yourself.

12. Let negative people go.

If there are people in your life who are negative--who have nothing positive to say or who put you down or take advantage of you--do the smart thing and let them go. The only way to find your self-esteem is to surround yourself with supportive positive people who admire you and value you.

13. Draw a line in the sand.

The best way to find your self-esteem is to create personal boundaries. Know what your boundaries are and how you wish to respond when people cross them. Don't allow others to control you, take advantage of you or manipulate you. To be confident is to maintain firm boundaries.

14. Care about your appearance.

When you look your best, you feel your best. Dress like someone who has confidence and let your self-assurance come through in how you look.

15. Welcome failure as part of growth.

It's a common response to be hard on yourself when you've failed. But if you can shift your thinking to understand that failure is an opportunity to learn, that it plays a necessary role in learning and growth, it can help you keep perspective. Remember too that failure means you're making an effort.

16. Always remain a student.

Think of yourself as a lifelong learner. Approach everything that you do with a student's mentality--what Zen Buddhists call Shoshin or "beginner's mind"--open, eager, unbiased and willing to learn.

17. Face your fear.

Allow yourself to feel afraid but keep going anyway. Self-esteem is often found in the dance between your deepest desires and your greatest fears.

18. Become a mentor.

Be there for someone who needs your guidance, your leadership and your support. Their respect and gratitude--and watching them progress with your help--will add to your self-esteem and self-respect.

19. Define success.

Clarify what success means to you and what it means in terms of your confidence. If you really want to do something you will have to find the self-esteem within yourself to just do it.

PUBLISHED ON: JAN 9, 2017

The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.

 

Thanks for this list.

[basil67]

On 2/10/2020 at 9:33 PM, chillii said:

You sound needy as all hell, almost feminine ......the way your carrying on.

Oi, watch yourself there chills 🤔