how do I desire my girlfriend more?

[SumGuy]

14 hours ago, Ellener said:

 

I will say, for all the years I was overweight I had one set of minor hang-ups, and now I'm my perfect weight I have another set of minor hang-ups.

...

Don't want to be a fat man
Have not the patience to ignore all that
Hate to admit to myself
Half of my problems came from being fat

Won't waste my time feeling sorry for him
I seen the other side to being thin
Roll us both down a mountain
And I'm sure the fat man would win

[Kitty Tantrum]

39 minutes ago, single_guy said:

Spoken by a woman spoiled by the attention of THOUSANDS of men, as you admitted!  You have NO idea how it feels to be a man and not feel desired in general by the opposite sex!  You have no sympathy, and certainly no empathy.  Your ex-husband, and I, might as well be speaking a foreign language.  You just don't understand!  (Still of course not condoning your husband's behavior - that was reprehensible.)

I agree with you though that chasing perfection is a terrible trap.  I constantly re-evaluate my efforts to try to ensure that I'm not falling into that trap. 

Thousands, eh? Where did you get that figure? And did you miss the part where I said I don't LIKE that kind of attention from men in general? So no, not exactly spoiled. 

THAT BEING SAID, you are absolutely correct that I don't know what it's like to be a man. I DO, however, know what it's like to be a woman in a relationship with a man who doesn't think I'm good enough for him in spite of also not really believing he can do any better.

It sucks. Although it was perhaps a twisted sort of kindness that he chose to be upfront with me about that eventually - and my own fault, admittedly, for going along with his stupid swinging/open marriage idea instead of just leaving him as soon as I knew the score. At least he didn't just cheat on me, or leave me suddenly. But the honest thing would have been to not "settle" for me in the fist place just because I was the best shot at getting his dick wet on the regular.

The fact that I gave eight years of my life and degraded myself for a man who only pretended to want me because I was the easiest option is a humiliation that *I* will carry with me until the day I die.

But I have it so easy, and it's so good for me, because there are lots of guys out there who would be willing to stick it in me for a minute or two and then bounce?

lollerskates and roflcopters, son.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

So you are trying to tell me that 80% of women are attached and that 80-90% of men are unattached... REALLY!!!!!

Math clearly isn't his strong point 

[acapelo_dp]

1 hour ago, single_guy said:

That's why I can't get myself to let her go - her personality and other things are so fantastic.  I'm desperately trying to lessen the importance of the physical to me.  That's why I created this thread!

You are doing her a disfavor by staying with her and lusting after other women. It's not fair and you clearly aren't able to become physically attracted to her. She deserves someone who is attracted to her.  

This thread is going nowhere but turning into a debate about men vs women getting hit on. What decision are you going to make? Have you even thought about that yet given the feedback you have gotten in this thread? 

[Kitty Tantrum]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Math clearly isn't his strong point 

Or our lovely major_merrick has been REALLY working overtime on converting the female population.

[Ellener]

54 minutes ago, single_guy said:

I have a very LOW ego and self-esteem.  Can you blame me?

That's not attractive to me, work on your self-esteem!

[basil67]

1 hour ago, single_guy said:

I know I'm not a hot commodity.  How would I feel like a hot commodity, or almost any guy for that matter, with women not giving us attention?  I don't have a big ego, I have a very LOW ego and self-esteem.  Can you blame me?

You have a girlfriend giving you attention.  So no, you don't get to blame your attitude on women not giving you attention.

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, single_guy said:

That's why I can't get myself to let her go - her personality and other things are so fantastic.  I'm desperately trying to lessen the importance of the physical to me.  That's why I created this thread!

 

 

I mentioned thus and yiu have nit not addressed this...

 

how ot did you feel about her when you first met?

 

i understand what you are saying about hot men having more luck. Hot women have more choices too because because more men are calling to them.  If you assume there are equal numbers of hit and avg then pair ups should average out.

 

sute there is a type of woman I think is hot and it’s different from whatgeneral population says. Attraction to me comes much more from  being attracted to the personality and interaction.  

[single_guy]

41 minutes ago, Ellener said:

That's not attractive to me, work on your self-esteem!

It's not attractive to anyone!  But it's hard to build up self-esteem when you don't get much attention.

[single_guy]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You have a girlfriend giving you attention.  So no, you don't get to blame your attitude on women not giving you attention.

"women" is a plural word, is it not?

[Kitty Tantrum]

So the issue here is that you crave sexual attention from multiple women to feel validated as a man. That's a very different issue from your girlfriend not being sexy enough.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, single_guy said:

I know I'm not a hot commodity.  How would I feel like a hot commodity, or almost any guy for that matter, with women not giving us attention?  I don't have a big ego, I have a very LOW ego and self-esteem.  Can you blame me?

 

 

The other isdue likrly dhowing itself....

 

there is is something called maximizer vs satisfyer in economics that apply to how  relationships work.

 

a maximizer is shopping wants to check out all the sales items in all the stores at a mall before buying while another just goes to one store and gets what satisfies them. 

 

This is also explains the fear of settling on the person you are with.  It’s very hard to find someone you have great personal interaction with and get along with well with very little disagreement and you share common interests and goals in life.

[single_guy]

5 minutes ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

So the issue here is that you crave sexual attention from multiple women to feel validated as a man. That's a very different issue from your girlfriend not being sexy enough.

Who exactly can feel validated as a person when they don't get attention from at least a handful of people of the opposite sex?  Who feels good that out of millions of people of the opposite sex, perhaps only ONE person finds them attractive, a person who they may or may not feel the same about? 

[single_guy]

16 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

 

The other isdue likrly dhowing itself....

 

there is is something called maximizer vs satisfyer in economics that apply to how  relationships work.

 

a maximizer is shopping wants to check out all the sales items in all the stores at a mall before buying while another just goes to one store and gets what satisfies them. 

 

This is also explains the fear of settling on the person you are with.  It’s very hard to find someone you have great personal interaction with and get along with well with very little disagreement and you share common interests and goals in life.

Good points.  I'm more of a maximizer.

[Ellener]

25 minutes ago, single_guy said:

It's not attractive to anyone!  But it's hard to build up self-esteem when you don't get much attention.

Honey, it's called SELF-esteem, the value you give to yourself, your self-respect.

I've pasted some info below from Inc.com on suggestions for how to build self-esteem:

Low self-esteem is unfortunately a self-fulling prophecy. The worse you feel about who you are and what you do, the less motivation you'll have to do what it takes to build your self-esteem.

From there it's easy to spiral down into a cycle of negative and circular thinking, keeping you mired in damaging--and erroneous--beliefs.

How can you stop this vicious cycle and start moving yourself in a more positive direction?

It's a process, and it won't happen overnight, but there are things you can do to get it started and keep it moving. Here are powerful ways to improve your self-esteem quickly in order to start feeling more confident.

1. Master a new skill.

When you become skilled in something that corresponds with your talents and interests, you increase your sense of competency.

2. List your accomplishments.

Think about all the things you've accomplished, then write them down. Make a list of everything you've done that you feel proud of, everything you've done well. Review your list when you need a reminder of your ability to get things done and to do them well.

3. Do something creative.

Creative tasks are a great way to put the flow back into your life. Creativity stimulates the brain, so the more you use it, the greater the benefits. Pull out your old guitar, write a story or poem, take a dance class or sign up for a community theater production. When you add the challenge of trying something new, it helps you even more.

4. Get clear on your values.

Determine what your values are and examine your life to see where you're not living in alignment with what you believe. Then make any necessary changes. The more you know what you stand for, the more confident you will be.

5. Challenge your limiting beliefs.

When you catch yourself thinking negatively about yourself, stop and challenge yourself. Don't let yourself be limited by erroneous beliefs.

6. Stand at edge of your comfort zone.

Stretch yourself and move to the edge of your comfort zone. Get uncomfortable--try something new, meet different people or approach a situation in an unconventional way. Confidence begins at the edge of your comfort zone.

7. Help someone.

Use your talents, skills and abilities to help others. Give someone direct assistance, share helpful resources or teach someone something they want to learn. Offer something you do well as a gift to someone.

8. Heal your past.

Unresolved issues and drama can keep you trapped in low self-esteem. Seek the support of a trained counselor to help you heal the past so you can move onto the future in a confident and self-assured way.

9. Stop worrying about what others think.

When you worry about what others will think of you, you never feel free to be completely yourself. Make a firm decision to stop worrying about what other people think--begin making choices based on what you want, not what you think others want from you.

10. Read something inspirational.

A great way to gain more self-esteem is to read something that lifts you up and makes you feel positive about yourself.

11. Reclaim your integrity.

Define what integrity means for you, and ensure that you're living in accordance with that understanding. If your life isn't aligned with your character, it will drain you and leave you feeling bad about yourself.

12. Let negative people go.

If there are people in your life who are negative--who have nothing positive to say or who put you down or take advantage of you--do the smart thing and let them go. The only way to find your self-esteem is to surround yourself with supportive positive people who admire you and value you.

13. Draw a line in the sand.

The best way to find your self-esteem is to create personal boundaries. Know what your boundaries are and how you wish to respond when people cross them. Don't allow others to control you, take advantage of you or manipulate you. To be confident is to maintain firm boundaries.

14. Care about your appearance.

When you look your best, you feel your best. Dress like someone who has confidence and let your self-assurance come through in how you look.

15. Welcome failure as part of growth.

It's a common response to be hard on yourself when you've failed. But if you can shift your thinking to understand that failure is an opportunity to learn, that it plays a necessary role in learning and growth, it can help you keep perspective. Remember too that failure means you're making an effort.

16. Always remain a student.

Think of yourself as a lifelong learner. Approach everything that you do with a student's mentality--what Zen Buddhists call Shoshin or "beginner's mind"--open, eager, unbiased and willing to learn.

17. Face your fear.

Allow yourself to feel afraid but keep going anyway. Self-esteem is often found in the dance between your deepest desires and your greatest fears.

18. Become a mentor.

Be there for someone who needs your guidance, your leadership and your support. Their respect and gratitude--and watching them progress with your help--will add to your self-esteem and self-respect.

19. Define success.

Clarify what success means to you and what it means in terms of your confidence. If you really want to do something you will have to find the self-esteem within yourself to just do it.

PUBLISHED ON: JAN 9, 2017

The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.

 

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, single_guy said:

Why is she way, way, way out of my league?  Please tell me - I can't wait to find out.

Because you've admitted you don't find her attractive, so therefore it would appear you're just using her for companionship because you can't find anyone better. That's a rotten way to treat another person. You've also said that she's a lovely girl, etc, so I can only assume that she's a nice, decent girl, and maybe you don't deserve someone that nice.  

[Woggle]

If you don't desire her which you can't force then do the right thing and cut her loose. It's not fair to her.

[single_guy]

6 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Because you've admitted you don't find her attractive, so therefore it would appear you're just using her for companionship because you can't find anyone better. That's a rotten way to treat another person. You've also said that she's a lovely girl, etc, so I can only assume that she's a nice, decent girl, and maybe you don't deserve someone that nice.  

I said that I find some women much more physically attractive, not that my girlfriend is unattractive.  I'm a nice guy, very romantic, extremely thoughtful.  But I've been shy a lot in my life.  That's not my fault.  A woman can be shy and still get a lot of attention.  A guy cannot.  So I should be screwed just because I'm a guy?

[basil67]

47 minutes ago, single_guy said:

"women" is a plural word, is it not?

You recently said that the point of this thread was to be comfortable with how your girlfriend looks.   What on earth does being admired by multiple women have to do with the goal of your thread?    

 

Edited February 10, 2020 by basil67

[Kitty Tantrum]

21 minutes ago, single_guy said:

Who exactly can feel validated as a person when they don't get attention from at least a handful of people of the opposite sex?  Who feels good that out of millions of people of the opposite sex, perhaps only ONE person finds them attractive, a person who they may or may not feel the same about? 

But it's not that nobody else thinks you're attractive. It's that you have to work harder than your girlfriend does to get the same kind of attention. It's that you don't get unsolicited attention. That's because you're a man and you want attention from women (the statistically passive gender) instead of from men (the statistically aggressive/assertive gender).

Besides, I don't need (or want) that kind of attention from anyone other than my husband to feel validated. Actually, I've NEVER derived validation from having men pay attention to me or hit on me. I try to hide from that kind of attention. I suppose I feel validated by my marriage - but that's worlds apart from being validated by horny salivating randos.

I get my fix of validation by being really good at the things I put my mind to doing, and by being valued by my friends, family, community members, etc. as someone whose contributions are worth exponentially more than the food, oxygen, etc. that I consume by way of existing. I've worked really hard to be the person I am, with the skills and the work ethic I have, and I'm validated by the fact that I am held in high esteem by my comrades. It's not because people think I'm pretty.

I sense that you haven't done that kind of work on yourself. You're looking for a shortcut. You're looking for a woman to boost your feelings of worth as a man just by giving you attention or having sex with you. That will never work.

YOU need to figure out your own worth and not expect women to fill that in for you.

If I had eaten up all that attention that I could have gotten and if I had let that go to my head and make me think it was a reflection of my value as a human being and a woman, instead of what it is (a reflection of the male appetite for sex), I wouldn't have bothered to work on me. I would have no sense of self-worth to speak of, and all my self-esteem would hinge on the value of the men I could get to look at me or talk to me or penetrate me.

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, single_guy said:

I said that I find some women much more physically attractive, not that my girlfriend is unattractive.  I'm a nice guy, very romantic, extremely thoughtful.  But I've been shy a lot in my life.  That's not my fault.  A woman can be shy and still get a lot of attention.  A guy cannot.  So I should be screwed just because I'm a guy?

If you were as nice as you say, you wouldn't judge her by her appearance and you wouldn't be craving attention from other women.  

[basil67]

51 minutes ago, single_guy said:

"women" is a plural word, is it not?

So the attention of one lovely women is not enough for you.   Dude, you really have to rethink the 'nice guy' comment you made.

[single_guy]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

If you were as nice as you say, you wouldn't judge her by her appearance and you wouldn't be craving attention from other women.  

It is not being mean to want to be desired by more than one person of the opposite sex.  It is being human.

[basil67]

1 minute ago, single_guy said:

It is not being mean to want to be desired by more than one person of the opposite sex.  It is being human.

I wouldn't use the word 'mean'.  I'd call it selfish.   It's selfish wanting to be desired by other women when you have a girlfriend

Or I should I say "allegedly have a girlfriend"?   You joined about four days ago and your chosen name is single_guy.  Bit of a slip-up there?

[Kitty Tantrum]

Sooooo... make yourself more desirable.

You have to do that before you get the validations.

Step 1: be desirable.

Step 2: be desired.

You're trying to go about it backwards: "if I can be desired by X number of women or Y caliber of woman then I will be desirable and feel good about myself."

It. doesn't. work. that. way.