Wife had an affair while seperated

[Nick2255]

At the start of the year, my wife asked me if she could have space and said she felt like I was not emotionally there, and she didn’t feel like a priority anymore.

She felt that we didn’t want the same things anymore, so she asked if I could stay with a friend, so we had time to process and think about things.

I have been out of the house for five weeks now, and within two days of me leaving, she set up an appointment to see a counselor for herself and then for me as well.

So I thought great she does want to work on things. I have found out a lot about myself the last few weeks and realized there were internal wounds that started to fester and caused me to emotionally check out on myself, which in turn caused that to trickle into my marriage.

I love my wife more than anything in this world. We met our sophomore year of college and have been together for nearly ten years and have been married for almost two.

I haven’t in this whole time begged or pleaded with her to come home or say how much I have changed and will never be that person I didn’t like again. I have told her I miss her and want to come home, but also it has been good for me to be away, to look at myself, and we can take this process slowly.

She started about two weeks, saying she doesn’t know if she is committed to working on this. At this time, she still has not once brought up wanting to get a divorce.

I saw my counselor who told me that she is probably having an emotional affair for sure and doesn’t know if it has become physical yet. She told me to take a look at our phone bill records to see if anything stuck. I haven’t been or am one of those people that are going to stalk my wife and go down that dark road. I decided to listen to her and look. I noticed an odd number that she has started to call frequently for the last six months.

I decided to drive home and confront her on this. When I walk in, I caught her cheating with the guy that I thought it was. She, of course, came storming out and got extremely defensive and wouldn’t have him leave. She wanted to take a drive with me so that we could talk.

I know mentally she is not in the right place. On New Year’s Eve, she started sending sexual texts to my best man at our wedding at his house while we were all awake. She downplays it, saying nothing happened and that she didn’t initiate those texts and started to blame him.

I know something isn’t right with her to be married to me, talking to the one she just had an affair with and then trying to sleep with my best friend.

While we were in the car, she started crying, and the things she said made me think that she doesn’t want to work on this. I have never once frayed and talked to another woman, then the entire time we have been together.

I believe a lot of what she was saying was shocking. There are a lot of wounds from her childhood within her family that she hasn’t addressed, and my counselor said they are surfacing now.

I told my wife, as crazy as it is, that marriage is difficult but that I still love her unconditionally and want to move past this. She, of course, cried even more and didn’t know what to say.

I didn’t get mad or anything because I think I was in total shock. It has been a full day, and we’re moving onto day two, and she still hasn’t reached out to me. I don’t know whether to take that as a sign that she is done or is scared to talk.

This happened the day before her birthday, so I think that is why she didn’t reach out. No one wants to talk about this on their birthday. My counselor said it’s ultimately up to me on what I want to do.

There is a part of the time that wants to file for divorce and see if she wakes up when reality hits, and the other part of me wants to talk and work through this so we can move on.

I don’t know if I need to reach out to her or continue to wait and see if she does. This has been emotionally taxing on me from a physical and mental standpoint. I’m sure many people here have been through it, so any help or advice would be great.

[S2B]

Ya, divorce her. She isn’t investing in the marriage. Save yourself the heartache that’s to follow.

 

sorry you’re here.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

23 minutes ago, Nick2255 said:

I have never once frayed

 

Evidence points to the contrary.

[Marc878]

Separation is often used to get you out of the way to make themselves more available to their affair partner.  From your phone bill info it appears the affair prompted the separation. You were setup and gotten out of the way. Wake up to reality.

Your wayward wife is manipulating you in order to continue her affair.

You need to stop being so naive and quit making excuses for her. There are none.

Talk will get you nothing except more of what you’ve gotten.

see an attorney and get the ball moving.

in case you aren’t aware. Cheaters all lie a lot. That’s all you’re getting.

nothing special here at all. Your wife is a very typical lying cheater.

 

 

[Nick2255]

Marc,

Great points. I keep trying to justify it in my head but there is no justification. She is destined to never have a healthy marriage plain and simple. I shouldn’t have to go through this because if we decide to reconcile she is just going to do it again and again. I have to take the brunt of it. 

[Nick2255]

S2B,

I have already started the process. My friends sister is an attorney and I reached out to her which was good. We have no kids and no serious assets to work through so it won’t be a long process. 

[preraph]

I mean, it's not unusual for people to date during separations.  That's kind of that separation is, or part of it.  

 

That said, I guess it's no comfort that because you two did meet so young and been together, she may feel she missed out on dating around and exploring other options.  That happens a lot with people who met young.  It rarely lasts forever, but sometimes it does.  You can't control what she's feeling.  You're in a bad position, but I would not expect her to want to come back to the marriage until she's been out on her own for awhile.  And maybe she needs to be on her own and supporting herself and depending on herself to mature, who knows.  

[Nick2255]

Preraph,

my counselor said that. She really isn’t mature enough to be in a marriage. There has been I think red flags over the years and I approached them but I think she is just a closet basket case. She can’t handle when things get hard ever and she has always quickly fallen apart. My counselor said she will probably wake up in 6 months and will reach out because at our age and what she sees that what people do but I plan on being long gone by then. 

[Fletch Lives]

Well, the separation is her trying to leave you, gradually. And her being with another man us probably just another nail in the coffin. It sounds like she has fallen out of love with you. It's probably too late to get back together again, I don't think it's in her heart. Sorry about the bad news.

[Nick2255]

Fletch,

Thank you. It has been a big rollercoaster I know that. I have good people around me but got onto the forum to hear some unbiased perspective. The situation and how she is handling it is very immature and she will have to live with that. She tried to justify the affair the other night and like cheaters do lied and said it was their first time. Incredible because I have evidence stating the opposite. Unfortunately I married someone who is trash and I need to move on and know that it wasn’t anything more I could have done. My counselor said she would have done this regardless of who she was married to.

[Marc878]

57 minutes ago, Nick2255 said:

Marc,

Great points. I keep trying to justify it in my head but there is no justification. She is destined to never have a healthy marriage plain and simple. I shouldn’t have to go through this because if we decide to reconcile she is just going to do it again and again. I have to take the brunt of it. 

This is a part of who she is and may always be. From what I’ve experienced most don’t change long term. Which means if you take her back you could get a repeat.

Her attitude says she not a good candidate for R. 

Its shocking because you like most had this fantasy of who you thought or wanted her to be. That’s not who she is.

At this time I’d do a hard no contact. You’ll be surprised at how much clarity will come if you can.

the only one that can keep you wrapped up in this mess is you 

[Marc878]

59 minutes ago, Nick2255 said:

Preraph,

my counselor said that. She really isn’t mature enough to be in a marriage. There has been I think red flags over the years and I approached them but I think she is just a closet basket case. She can’t handle when things get hard ever and she has always quickly fallen apart. My counselor said she will probably wake up in 6 months and will reach out because at our age and what she sees that what people do but I plan on being long gone by then. 

It’s the smart move. Your counselor seems good. A lot are not.

The capability will always be there. Don’t spend your life looking over your shoulder.

Life is short and it’s not worth it.

stop talking. It’s getting you nothing and will just keep you tied up in this mess

Edited February 7, 2020 by Marc878

[carhill]

IMO, regardless, stick with the counselor; the tools will help with the D and future relationships.

I hope your name isn't on the lease/mortgage since you 'left'. See an attorney for more info. Watch out on the 'confrontation' stuff. Slippery slope to a TRO. Judges believe women 👍

[Nick2255]

Marc,

Yep I found a great counselor who is very laid back and real. She has called everything that has happened to a T. She called the affair and the same day I drove to the house there she was with him. So it’s good knowing that I have someone that can see everything in a good scope. Obviously my thoughts have been to not quit on the marriage because I don’t want to be the one. At this point she is mentally unstable and pushing me to file so she can play the victim card. She is a sick person and not someone I’m going to worry about anymore. I’m glad this happened at 29 with no kids instead of 49. 

[Blind-Sided]

Nick... Sorry you are going through this... but as you said... we have all kind of gone through it here.

Listen to Marc.  He's blunt... but in hindsight... he was right with my issues and divorce.   My ex and I met in college and spent 20 years together. When she hit me with the same crap your stbXw did... there was no turning back for her. I tried to get things together for the sake of the kids... and at the time... I still truly loved her. But I didn't allow a separation, or living as roommates... I told her to just go file if that's what she wanted.

It sux, and it will hurt, and there will be days you can't stop crying... but once she is out of your house, or you have moved out... you will recover, and feel better.  Just feel lucky in the fact that you don't have kids, and it sounds like you are still young(ish) 

And finally... we are here for the times you think you can't keep going.  Just post, we will listen.

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Nick2255 said:

I know mentally she is not in the right place.... I believe a lot of what she was saying was shocking. There are a lot of wounds from her childhood within her family that she hasn’t addressed, and my counselor said they are surfacing now.

 

3 hours ago, Nick2255 said:

She is destined to never have a healthy marriage plain and simple. I shouldn’t have to go through this because if we decide to reconcile she is just going to do it again and again. I have to take the brunt of it. 

From reading these boards over a year, I've come to the conclusion that some people are "time bombs" who really aren't comfortable when everything's fine and have this (partly unconscious) need to blow up their relatively happy situation and life. This, of course, heavily impacts the spouse, who is often completely shocked. Unfortunately it appears your wife may be one of these.

 

1 hour ago, Nick2255 said:

 I’m glad this happened at 29 with no kids instead of 49. 

Indeed you should be. We had a post from a guy with a kid who's wife suddenly moved in with a meth dealer who lived in a garage. While still married. She apparently thought the new guy was "wonderful". She was bringing the kid along and there was little he could do to stop her without hard evidence.

Anyhow, it sounds like you know the path that's right for you here. I hope things go as smoothly as possible, given the unfortunate circumstances. GL!

Edited February 7, 2020 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

By the way, if you continue with the divorce. IF you have proof of the affair (in a form admissible in court) in some areas that could substantially impact any settlement. In a few areas it is actually possible to sue an affair partner under "alienation of affection" laws. That's not something I'd suggest or recommend (and might not be worth the time or money, depending on the specific situation) but it's something to be aware of and potentially discuss with an attorney.

[Lotsgoingon]

I love my wife more than anything in this world. We met our sophomore year of college and have been together for nearly ten years and have been married for almost two.

The downside of marrying someone you dated in college or in high school is that young people are just not experienced and not sharp when it comes to realizing the magnitude of the challenge of marriage. Young people tend to think, "I like you, you like me, we have some good times. Therefore it's going to work." Complete fantasy.

For one, it's hard to notice red flags as a young person ... and two, people are still emerging and developing. In other words, new sides of themselves emerge ... and we may not like those new sides. Unfortunately if you got involved when you were really young, it's easy to label this new side of a person (a side you do not like) as an anomaly, an exception--when in fact, it might be a core side of them that is emerging.

A good marriage takes way more than love. Love is a feeling. A good marriage requires among other things, ability to mutually respect each other, an ability problem solve and limit the damage of conflict ... an ability to accept that this other person IS different ... very different ... and that the relationship has to fit around differences.

Your wife asking for the separation = she wants a divorce. She simply didn't have the confidence to say that directly, but all the signs point that way. You took her literally the way people take "I need some space" literally ... when "I need some space" = "I want out of this relationship."

The compulsive flirting on her part is a red flag. You cannot look past that. She needs to apologize for that ... and identify the problem urges that lead to that kind of behavior. You cannot excuse that or look past it. Excusing that or looking past it (out of "love") simply tells her you will put up with such behavior. Sorta like a criminal case, where the prosecution has the burden to show overwhelming evidence that the defendant is guilty ... it's her job to overwhelming apologize and to back off of the behave of flirting with friends ... Don't minimize this behavior. It's fundamentally destructive to a relationship ... and will likely destroy any affairs she was with others.

Bottom line: are you sure there is enough healthy behavior in this marriage to want to sustain it? I'm not sure I see it. 

You might write down: what are the strengths of this marriage ... and what are the weaknesses. The problem is that her flirting ... and the affair is in itself enough to cancel out most strengths ... unless she's willing to own up to her behavior. 

Sounds to me like you've been passive in this relationship ... and this is not a person you can be passive with. 

 

[MilitaryMan]

On 2/7/2020 at 1:00 PM, Nick2255 said:

Marc,

Great points. I keep trying to justify it in my head but there is no justification. She is destined to never have a healthy marriage plain and simple. I shouldn’t have to go through this because if we decide to reconcile she is just going to do it again and again. I have to take the brunt of it. 

I was in this same situation 3 years ago..the wife wanted “space” and all that other BS. That is just a ploy to cheat and to still have you around as a doormat incase it doesn’t work out. Don’t be a beta male. Drop her, go 180, and file. Trust me! You will save yourself YEARS of heartache and confusion. Marc and the rest gave me the same response and they where right