Rosesandlemons Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 OK so, I know before anyone attacks me, what I'm doing is wrong, but I'm looking for an unbiased opinion. This is a long one but I appreciate your advice. So I work with this guy. I rarely see him in work as we are based in different locations. But I have worked with him a few times on occasion. The first time we met was in work. I was instantly in awe by him. He is kind handsome and constantly has me laughing. So we got talking, my friends partner is his friend. So from the get go from talking to her I knew he was engaged, had just recently bought a house and is looking to transfer closer to home with work, about an hour away! I knew what I was getting myself into but I was drawn in. I couldn't help it. After talking and flirting for a while he started coming to stay with me after work as we do the same hours. He still continues to do so as he lives away from home during the week due to the commute. (I live closer and commute to work, although from where he is based its still 40 minute drive). It's not just sex, we talk for hours, even when he's at home he's constantly messaging me or in contact some how. We have TV shows we watch together and we get on like a house on fire. We keep it professional in work of course, no one knows, but we worked alongside each other today and he told me after work he finds it so hard to be in bed with me one hour and in work pretending like he barely knows me the next. He said he struggles not to kiss or touch me. I came into this knowing his home life wouldn't change and knowing it was just fun, I'm still of that mindset, I'm just curious as to how his comes across to you guys. Im not getting my hopes up at all for risk of being hurt. I asked him when he's getting married, it's summer 2020! Very soon, I told him this is bad enough I wouldn't stand by and do this after he got married, he said he understood but it has continued since then. He compliments me genuinely, he helps me in work and outside of work even if it makes his life more difficult. There has been no more mention of his home life other than what I've spoke about. He talks openly about everything else such as his family and hobbies etc and was open when I asked him about the wedding but she hasn't been brought up since. This has been going on upwards of 2 months now. There's probably so much more to tell but this is all I can come up with at the moment. Opinions? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 Well - a 40 minute drive is nothing where I live. when I was first married my husband drove 90 minutes one way every morning and evening... because he wanted to be home with me. you will get hurt. Better to hurt now then later - knowing he’s not changing things - it’s up to you to change it. U less you enjoy being ONLY the OW - that’s all you’ll be to him - and he will continue as long as YOU allow it. He is no prize! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notmyfinestmoment Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 Hi There.... If you have read through this forum, you will see that someone always gets hurt in these scenarios. With that, most of the people have had relationships where the other person is married (and is not as easy to walk away from). Your situation is a little different because he isn't married yet and does not have as much at stake. The fact that he is already engaging in a relationship with someone else while he is engaged is not a good sign for his marriage. He is one of two guys....he is completely ok with the situation as is (cake and eating it too until you are ready to walk away ) or he has a genuine attachment to you and is at a crossroads of trying to figure out if he should end his engagement. You are intertwined as co-workers, friends, and lovers. Unfortunately, if you are here posting, you are past the point of just fun. You are connected to him. Do you want more from him? If so, you need to find out which guy he is (see above). I think in either scenario, you should take a step back because you are getting attached (whether you see it or not). The longer you stay in this, the harder it is to walk away (we who have been OW know this all too well, we think we have it under control, but we don't). I can't imagine if you stayed until he got married that you would feel good seeing his wedding pictures. It would be pretty crushing. Protect your heart...you really do deserve more. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 It sounds to me like... and correct me if I'm wrong on this analysis You told him you would not keep this up if he gets married. He has not backed away from you. Nothing has slowed down. I don't know what you are reading into this part. But you mentioned it, so it seems there is some sort of reading into this action. You cannot wait for him to come to you and say, "hey, so I know you dont want to keep this up once I'm married, and I plan to get married, so let's end this." Nope, he will keep it up as long as you allow it. Period. He wont end this. He will take you through the time. He will text you on his wedding day. He will text you on his honeymoon. You will be there unless YOU end it. You cannot expect him to be the one to end it when he is getting all the action from two chicks. This guy isnt even married yet. RUN!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 I was reading this thread and it sounded like classic textbook stuff. Then I got to the part where he isn’t even married yet. Not that it’s right, but you can see how affairs happen out of boredom of a marriage, 7 year itch, something like that. Somebody not feeling appreciated, all kinds of reasons that are again, not right but it happens. But the part that blows my mind is that he isn’t even married yet. He’s supposed to be promising his life and heart to his future wife. It seems like the last thing he would be thinking of is another woman. Seems like he’d be all giddy with love at this point. But instead, he’s screwing someone else while his future wife is planning and dreaming of the day when she’ll become his wife. I don’t know why but that really hit me in the guts. 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 So obviously he’s not going to break up with his fiancée, or else he would’ve told you as much. Therefore, you need to distance yourself, because you said it yourself: you’re not planning on continuing IF he gets married. And you know he’s going to. So what’s the point in hanging in there until the actual wedding date? He IS getting married. He’s as good as married. There’s no difference between being engaged and being married. I wonder what your expectations are, and what you’re actually waiting for. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 (edited) SINCE they are not married yet, consider urging him to should come clean to his fiancee. If he won't, consider telling her. IF you tell, bring incontrovertible evidence. While I'm not at all about "blowing up other people's lives" they are not yet married. I suspect he's not really ready to be married, at least not to her. It will be much easier for them to end things now. It will be quite painful, but, I believe, less painful than divorcing if the affair were discovered. The only reason I can think of not to do that is that she might get revenge by calling one of your bosses or telling HR at your work. However, would that even be an issue? You might consider looking into the policies at your work to see if the relationship being "outed" would actually be likely to harm the two of you. No one should have to go through finding out one day that their whole marriage, from the start, was a lie. If the affair were ever discovered that would probably be her experience and view and no doubt it would be quite traumatic. Your affair is pretty significant. Not a drunken make out in the storage room or similar. I doubt this guy would say to a therapist that it didn't mean much to him. IF you urge him to tell, you're going for broke. It may backfire, he may end the affair. It may end with you missing him and sad. There is a chance it would have negative consequences at work. BUT you're sparing her the risk of some pretty extreme trauma as well. And there is a chance of you ending up happy and together with him as well, if that is what you want. If he agrees to end the marriage, he's not required to tell her about you. He can just say he's not ready or something. More lies - a lie of omission, but partly true as well I think + that's what an affair is anyhow. In my personal view, I also think that if you are going to let him go through with the marriage, you should end the affair now and stay out of his life. 1 hour ago, Rosesandlemons said: I couldn't help it. Opinions? You could have helped it, actually. But what's done is done. Edited February 7, 2020 by mark clemson 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 (edited) Well congratulations as you've just signed up to be his last fling before he marries. Of course he isn't going to bring up his fiance or wedding plans. Would you still feel like having sex after hearing about all of that stuff? Of course not and he knows this. He knows you know what you've doing and if you're fine with it he's certainly going to take it. I agree with Mark that you should tell his fiance so she can at least save herself from making a big mistake. You may think you aren't serious about him but you are here asking what we think of him. If you weren't getting serious that wouldn't matter. Edited February 8, 2020 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 (edited) Yes Ive come across a situation fairly similar and there was a lot of anguish for the young bride three years or so into the marriage, what do you think of her feelings or is collateral damage ok, you need to have your fun , but would you not think it is time to think outside your own bubble. Edited February 8, 2020 by Foxhall Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 (edited) And if you are thinking OP that he won’t possibly get married if he is engaged in an affair with another woman... thinks again. This site is littered with men and women who have done exactly that. The time to end this is now - it only gets harder the longer you wait. He has chosen to put a ring on another woman’s finger, you can’t avoid that fact. Edited February 8, 2020 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 This stuff absolutely blows my mind. My money says you'll continue to be his mistress after he is married. Ya'll might take a short break but it's not going to last long and the excitement is going to suck you right back in because he's not going to leave you alone. I'd take Mark's advice and hopefully it will force him to quit his job. Then, you won't have to worry about him. Stop wasting your time on trash and clean yourself up too while you are at it. Go find yourself a good person to be in your life and put this experience behind you. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 Just realize that you can't count on a romantic future with this man - as you are the other woman, his heart is already taken by another. He could drop you at any time (what does he need you for?), and don't count on it getting more serious. You might be heartbroken if he breaks things off with you, which is likely. Plus, the guy may be attractive, but he's no catch. He's a cheater. It's a pretty lame relationship. It's amazing what people will put up with for love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 7 hours ago, Pleasant-Sage said: My money says you'll continue to be his mistress after he is married. Ya'll might take a short break but it's not going to last long and the excitement is going to suck you right back in because he's not going to leave you alone. ^^^ this. 5-10 years later when you get fed up of "waiting" and the heart ache is just too much, you, alone and lonely having put your life on hold, will be catapulted back onto the dating scene. Meanwhile he will have just got on with his life, nice house, beautiful wife, lovely kids, great holidays, fantastic career... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 (edited) this won't end well... the trap of "knowing" the situation is based on the premise that you know your heart...and if anything you've read here, you'll find out that we, as human beings, discover our hearts, as we grow... and usually thru very painful transformation... do or die, moments... right now it's exciting and you're rationalizing it all saying you "know"... but you really don't, b/c it's your heart we're talking about... as for him, you are fantasy.... and if you are reality, then you have to contend that for him, the most sacred promise a human being can make to another human being... albeit, your own child... he's broken already before it's even a done deal... so that's what you are falling for... someone who would break the most sacred bond between two people... and anything you may develop afterwards, that will hang over your heads... having said that, it's like the lottery... 1:139,000,000 that you two could fall in love and live happily ever after longer than a few months.. but i think most folks don't listen to what's here, and someday, you may be back with pain in your heart... hopefully, this forum will still be here then, so we can truly help you, when you are hurting... good luck! i genuinely wish you that. Edited February 13, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 (edited) op, he's showing you his true character. It sounds like hes' really good at putting his life into "boxes". You're in one, his wife to be is another. he spends time with her, put that in the bx up on the shelf and then. he;s with you. When he's done, back into your box and up o the shelf you go, only for him to bring his fiance back out again. He's got the two of you, andi n his mind, i expect that "never the twain shall meet". The thing is that of he does marry her, they will be starting a new life and maybe even a family. How will you feel, sitting up o that shelf in your box, while you know all that's going on? You'll be competeing with his wife, kids and day to day life.for his attention. Aren't you worth more than that? Edited February 13, 2020 by pepperbird Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 You play a role in this - you allow him to stay with you and have we with you. he’s marrying someone else! why are you allowing yourself to be any mans #2? he knows he is doing you wrong! So wrong! stop allowing it. Link to post Share on other sites
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