Hurt1234 Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. He constantly reassures me that he's all about me. I for some reason get anxiety When I don't hear from him or he is doing things with his friends. I admit I'm insecure. And I do know that this drives him away from me. We have argued a handful of times about my trust in him. He has never given me a real reason to think he's cheating, It's my own thought process and my messed up mind. I admit this. A couple of days ago he got a text from another woman just before he was leaving the city on business. To me it was ironic and of course my thoughts raced. I said a few things I regret, we argued, he assured me it was a friend and he now needs time to think. In the last few days, I feel like an ass. I know I was wrong and blew the whole thing out of proportion, which I have in the past as well. I know I have lost him and even if he did contact me again I am ashamed and embarrassed of my behaviour. My question is, If I don't hear from him in the next few days do I reach out and tell him that I'm sorry? Tell him that I was wrong? I feel like I need to get that off my chest even though I feel we may not get back together. Im embarrassed for acting the way I did, I'm not sure I could face him again because this has happened a few times. He's a good guy, but I have insecurities. I just hate the way we ended things And I wish there was something that I could do. To say that I'm sorry. Without sending him messages and seem needy and clingy. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 I think it's great that you can recognise what you did and how it impacted the relationship. However an apology really only has value if it's followed by a change in behaviour. As in, you won't do it again. But I think you're not there yet. Perhaps engage some type of therapy and and apologise, telling him that you're taking active steps to change. Even if he doesn't come back, you'll still be in a better place for a future relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 I agree. You should probably get in some individual counseling and get to the bottom of your insecurities. look everybody has some degree of insecurity but when it reaches a point where you sabotage your own relationships it's time to get help and see if you can become more lucid about why you're that way and maybe diffuse some of it. Make an appointment with a psychologist and then write and tell him you're sorry and you know it's your own problem and you're entering counseling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted February 8, 2020 Author Share Posted February 8, 2020 Thank you for the advice. I am in the very early stages of therapy, I have a long ways to go, obviously. I did sabatoge a good relationship. We were amazing together and only argued about me not trusting him, which is a huge thing. He's told me a few times he will step away so I can find myself, that he isn't going anywhere, that he will be waiting for me but I never wanted to let him go and now he's gone and I hold guilt. Ugh. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 (edited) Well, it can go both ways. You can trust someone because they seem like they love you and then find out they're cheating all over the place. So it's not like jealousy is always irrational. At some point you have to accept that a lot of people will betray you or stray on you under the right set of circumstances or for the right opportunity and that no amount of monitoring can stop it from happening if it's going to. No amount of worrying can stop it if it's going to. And I hope through therapy you finally reach a place where you just know if they are the type to betray you and walk out, that they weren't the right person for you anyway and that you will be fine without them. I've only run across a few really secure people in relationships when they were young people, and they had a strictly open door policy. No monitoring, The birdcage door open. And when you think about it, whether you're secure or insecure, leaving that door open and then having the person always come home to you is the only way you ever really know they're dedicated. If you monitor them or ride them to the point where you think you preventing them from doing something, all you've done is put off the inevitable. Edited February 8, 2020 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted February 8, 2020 Author Share Posted February 8, 2020 Thank you, that means alot. People I know who are in very good relationships and marriages are cheating so I see it and feel he is doing it to me. Thank you again 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 (edited) You just have to get to the point where you love yourself enough to know that if something ends, you are still whole. When you are getting to know someone, look for people who have good ethics in other areas such as good work ethics, treat their friends well, don't lie, steal or cheat in other areas. About the best you can do is find someone with good overall ethics, and then they are likely to be ethical about doing you dirty too. Edited February 8, 2020 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted February 8, 2020 Author Share Posted February 8, 2020 He is a great individual and has the traits you mentioned. I have been the problem. I am not happy with myself. I am hoping meds and therapy will help me but in the meantime I have ruined it and lost a very special individual and unfortunately this is the way he will remember me. Thank you for your positive notes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 (edited) If this is a common occurrence with you, he may have gotten to the point where he no longer wants to be put through this mess. Instead of calling him apologizing, call the therapist and get to the bottom of your jealousy, insecurity and anxiety---you need that more than you need a boyfriend because this behavior will damage every relationship you get into until it's addressed. Does your therapist know that this has taken place? Edited February 8, 2020 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
HappySenior Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 17 hours ago, preraph said: Well, it can go both ways. You can trust someone because they seem like they love you and then find out they're cheating all over the place. So it's not like jealousy is always irrational. At some point you have to accept that a lot of people will betray you or stray on you under the right set of circumstances or for the right opportunity and that no amount of monitoring can stop it from happening if it's going to. No amount of worrying can stop it if it's going to. And I hope through therapy you finally reach a place where you just know if they are the type to betray you and walk out, that they weren't the right person for you anyway and that you will be fine without them. I've only run across a few really secure people in relationships when they were young people, and they had a strictly open door policy. No monitoring, The birdcage door open. And when you think about it, whether you're secure or insecure, leaving that door open and then having the person always come home to you is the only way you ever really know they're dedicated. If you monitor them or ride them to the point where you think you preventing them from doing something, all you've done is put off the inevitable. Also depends on what they are coming home for. It may be just for regular sex when it's not that easy to find elsewhere, it may be so that their SO keeps cleaning up after them. It may be convenience. And for some people, it could be they want someone there to use as a verbal punching bag when the outside world won't tolerate it. The thing to always ask yourself first is: did I feel this way in most other relationships, or is this an isolated issue of mistrust of my SO/spouse? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 I agree about the therapy suggestion. It sounds like you may have some form of insecure attachment style. That said, cheating certainly happens, so just because you get your insecurity under control doesn't mean the other person isn't cheating. The challenge (and it can be a challenge for all of us at times) is to accurately see what's really going on vs. what our mind may (or in some cases may not) be telling us. Don't ignore the gut feelings, but don't take every gut feeling and extend it to assume the very worst either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 You got a really raw deal, Enigma. You really were real laid-back and trusting and secure in that relationship. most people I would tell them to try to reserve their feelings until they knew someone a lot better which takes time. But you knew her a long time, and she was just deceiving you. Sometimes people can just fool you. It's just important to try to build yourself up to be a strong person who can move on and stand alone when needed. Easier said than done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 People cheat, some don't, it's just part of life. It has happened to most of us...oh well you move on from it. Like death and taxes, you can't prevent it from happening. I agree with everyone, if you want to have any kind of normal relationship you are going to have to get therapy for it. The 30 years my husband has been with me, not once has he had to reassure me. So you got some fixin to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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