Unemployed Partner and Step-Son

[neowulf]

Hi all,

So I'm really just chasing general perspective at this point.  I'm not really sure what the right answer is.

My partner [F45] and I [M41] have been dating now for almost 5 years.  She has an 18 year old son.

Last year, after 4 years together, she brought up that she felt we should move in together and see if we could live together as a couple.

I resisted at first, because she wanted me to move into her place, but given her son was still finishing his final year of highschool we decided it was probably for the best, rather than getting a new place together and disrupting his routine.

So, we move in together and things appear to be going ok.  We're saving money towards a home deposit and things are looking pretty positive.

Then around March, she gets an email from her 82 year old Aunt, saying she wants us to go visit her in England.  It's a considerable expense, but we both agree that this might be the last chance she gets to see her Aunt.  So we both agree to save $6000 towards the trip by November.  So far, so good.

Fast forward to November, my partner has been progressively bullied by her supervisor in her new job to the point it's seriously upsetting her.  

So she says "I can't take it any more.  I want to quit my job".  At this point, the tickets and accomadation for the trip have been booked.  I convince her to at least work until our leaving date, to try and get as much money together before we go as we can.

I find out at this point that she doesn't have the $6000 we agreed too.  She has $2000.  

Because of how much the trip ment to her, and because I am in a reasonably well paid job, I agreed to put up the difference and commit the $8000 of my own money towards the trip, while she spent hers covering bills.  So we get back from the trip, having burnt through all the money.  She's now completely broke, with no savings what so ever.  She's been looking for work now for over a month and we haven't seen much progress.  

Add to this that her son has completed highschool and is now enrolled part time at a local community colledge, with 9 hours a week contact hours.  He's living with us full time, 5 days a week and isn't currenlty paying for food or board.  He admitted that he hasnt' really been trying that hard to find a job.  I've tried to help.  I even re-drafted his resume to try and improve his chances.  I've been emailing him jobs when I see something I think he might be able to do.  It's not like I'm on his case 24/7, but whenever I get home to hear he's been playing videogames all day, it makes my blood boil.

I understand that life has it's ups and downs.  But I find myself freaking out that this is going to by my future.  I'm 41 years old and expected to be entering a time of my life when things would become settled and we could work towards some of the big ticket items like owning a home.  Now I'm stuck paying for everything with no sign of when this situation will end, or if I'll just end up as an ATM for people who've decided sitting at home is easier than getting a job.  Perhaps I'm being unkind?  Maybe I should have more faith in people, but I've been burnt in the past and it's triggering massive anxiety in me.

I've made a point of never being dependant of anyone in my life, so I've never had to ask for money or help from anyone to take care of myself.  I feel cheated that in trying to be supportive, I've put myself in a position to be taken advantage of.

I suppose I'm just looking for some perspective?  I know that a month is nothing in terms of job hunting.  Am I just over reacting? Should there be a limit on how long you support a situation like this before it becomes enabling?  

 

 

Edited February 10, 2020 by neowulf
corrections

[Artdeco]

I would give everybody the benefit of the doubt at this point. I don’t think she’s just using you for money if she actually takes you to England to see her relatives. Right now she’s in a tough spot. The son will figure it out at some point - I mean he’s still young. And while I totally understand that you’re not responsible for him at all, if you’re in a relationship with his mother it’s just the right thing to do to help them out. They better be jobhunting massively though – both of them. But other than that I don’t think you’re being taken advantage of. You are in it for the long-haul and that’s just a minor hiccup. 

[Marc878]

Maybe just a coincidence but maybe not. Only time will tell.

The one thing that is a fact you’re currently getting stuck with all the bills.

Shes 45 and broke is a huge red flag. I would not saddle myself to a falling star.

You feel bad? How bad will you feel if you end up broke?
 

This ends when you say it does. Better beware.

[neowulf]

35 minutes ago, Artdeco said:

I would give everybody the benefit of the doubt at this point. I don’t think she’s just using you for money if she actually takes you to England to see her relatives. Right now she’s in a tough spot. The son will figure it out at some point - I mean he’s still young. And while I totally understand that you’re not responsible for him at all, if you’re in a relationship with his mother it’s just the right thing to do to help them out. They better be jobhunting massively though – both of them. But other than that I don’t think you’re being taken advantage of. You are in it for the long-haul and that’s just a minor hiccup. 

Yes, I agree it is still pretty early in the piece.  I've talked with them both about 3 month check in's, to see where we're at.

If we get to 3 months, then 6, I think it'll be time to have a serious talk about going forward.  The rent on the place we're currently in is far too high to support from a single income.  If they aren't bringing down an income by then, we'll haver to look at moving.

 

25 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Maybe just a coincidence but maybe not. Only time will tell.

The one thing that is a fact you’re currently getting stuck with all the bills.

Shes 45 and broke is a huge red flag. I would not saddle myself to a falling star.

You feel bad? How bad will you feel if you end up broke?
 

This ends when you say it does. Better beware.

You're right I guess.  In the end I have to remind myself that this is my decision.  I'm not legally required to support either of them.  It's something I'm doing out of love, yet I suppose even that has to have a limit somewhere.  It'll just depend how long the situation goes on for I guess.  I have no intention of being dragged into poverty. 

[Art_Critic]

I like what Art_Deco posted, those are my thoughts as well..

I would add that the Son may take a while till he figures it out and shouldn't take the heat from you over trying the fledge the nest when in reality it is harder to do, but he should go get some job, Home Depot or something to help with his own bills, phone, internet and the like..

 

 

 

 

[Marc878]

The biggest red flag in all this is shes 45, quits a job and is dead broke.

Thats a heavy piano to be dragging around.

You want a crappy existence try living with financial issues long term.

The love won’t last long.

[neowulf]

1 hour ago, Art_Critic said:

I like what Art_Deco posted, those are my thoughts as well..

I would add that the Son may take a while till he figures it out and shouldn't take the heat from you over trying the fledge the nest when in reality it is harder to do, but he should go get some job, Home Depot or something to help with his own bills, phone, internet and the like..

 

 

 

 

I agree.  To be clear, I don't expect him to bear a heavy load.  I remember being 18 and just starting out in the world.  But I do expect him to contribute.  I won't have him sitting around the house for months of end, playing video games and studying 9 hours a week, on my dime.  A simple part time job for him to cover his expenses and pay some basic board / food would be more than reasonable.

[neowulf]

1 hour ago, Marc878 said:

The biggest red flag in all this is shes 45, quits a job and is dead broke.

Thats a heavy piano to be dragging around.

You want a crappy existence try living with financial issues long term.

The love won’t last long.

I admit, it keeps me awake at night sometimes.  There have been a number of circumstances beyond her control which lead to this point, but it does worry me.  I suppose I'm trying to figure out what's reasonable and when to panic.  

[Marc878]

You aren’t married. This is a try out. The only one who can screw you in this situation is yourself.

[Marc878]

2 hours ago, neowulf said:

I agree.  To be clear, I don't expect him to bear a heavy load.  I remember being 18 and just starting out in the world.  But I do expect him to contribute.  I won't have him sitting around the house for months of end, playing video games and studying 9 hours a week, on my dime.  A simple part time job for him to cover his expenses and pay some basic board / food would be more than reasonable.

I worked full time and went to college part/full time. It’s not that hard when you’re younger

[chillii]

dOes she own her house ?

Anyway , a months nothing , you can carry things for a little while won't kill ya she's looking for work. She'd do the same for you right , that's what real partners do. if you start getting home and finding her drunk all day and spending all your money or starts getting lazy or she stops looking for work or god knows what else , yeah not good .

 

Edited February 10, 2020 by chillii

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

The level of comfort in her decision to leave her job, not save up for an expensive trip and to have a dependent in her son... This is quite scary my friend. And you two are not even married... She ain't even that comfortable with you yet and she is making decisions like this?

Here is the thing that you have not foresaw: The change that will happen in her, once her son leaves. Once she is no longer attached to her dependent, her behavior is going to change. dramatically. She will want to travel even more than she does now. She will want to see the world... She will want to live her unlived life and guess who is gonna finance it?

I would leave this situation... Her unlived life is clawing at her right now, she should have a better job, better pay, yadda yadda, but she made these choices and now the unlived life calls... She has to answer the call, independent of you.

That is the thing man, with these older women, it is either the regret of not having kids or the call of the unlived life... 45 is a hard age to be at for a woman man, she is in a transition within herself on these things.

I would start plucking some eggs outta this basket if I were you. 

[Fletch Lives]

Well, a month unemployed is not that long.

One thing is for sure - women cost a lot of money! Make sure you have a good job or business if you want to date.

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

One thing is for sure - women cost a lot of money! Make sure you have a good job or business if you want to date.

Really? I don't think I cost a whole lot going out, and I wouldn't have anyone pay my bills for me unless we were married or good as ie. getting a home together.

8 hours ago, neowulf said:

Should there be a limit on how long you support a situation like this before it becomes enabling?  

That's up to you, it's your boundary.

The teen will grow up but my own son was hopeless at earning money and budgeting at that age, five years on he gets it and is doing better. Before Christmas he borrowed $500 from me and I was just getting irritated that he hadn't paid me back when a check arrived in the mail!

It would irritate me to live with an adult partner who couldn't earn and save and budget etc but a lot of people live paycheck to paycheck or in debt or spend money they can't really afford, I guess it becomes a way of life especially here in the US where some things have become 'unaffordable' like healthcare or education.

If you two stay together you'll probably have to impose some limits on her spending, the overseas trip for example caused you disquiet and one big spend like that every few months and your plans to own a home would be financially derailed permanently. Ditto if she decides not to work.

The website The Simple Dollar blog is pretty cool. See if she's responsive to coming up with a workable plan together and make sure she knows you want to be financially stable and secure and own a home soon. Does she already own her home?

[neowulf]

4 hours ago, Ellener said:

Does she already own her home?

No, and if I'm being honest, this frustrates me as well.  I used to live in a 2 bedroom apartment, while she shared a house with a friend of hers.

When it came time to move in together, she pushed me to move in with her.  I didn't really want to live in the house (much more expensive rent), but between the two of us, it didn't seem too bad and her son was still finishing highschool, so it seemed like the best action.

Fast forward and I'm stuck paying rent that is FAR beyond what I used to pay on my own, to the point that this is going to flatten any chance I have of saving towards a home deposit.  I feel cheated.  I don't feel like she's the kind of person to manipulate others, but all this stuff is just adding up.  I didn't sign up for this.

We've been together 4 years now and I'm 41... I think about throwing away everything and I just, I'm just tired you know?  I've never even been engaged.  WTF is wrong with me.

Edited February 10, 2020 by neowulf

[Ellener]

13 minutes ago, neowulf said:

I feel cheated.  I don't feel like she's the kind of person to manipulate others, but all this stuff is just adding up.  I didn't sign up for this.

We've been together 4 years now and I'm 41... I think about throwing away everything and I just, I'm just tired you know?  I've never even been engaged.  WTF is wrong with me.

You sound lovely to me, and you're just trying to give it a fair go, and realising now you two aren't getting anywhere near on the same page for the longer term.

You'll work it out (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[PinkFlamingo]

I don't get the sense that you consider her and her son your family, that's why it probably bothers you that both of them are not working at the moment and that's why you are afraid of being taken advantage of. 

This combination does look deadly though: spending a lot of money that she doesn't have on vacation, money borrowed from her partner, having zero savings, and not getting straight back to finding a job to support herself and pay back her debt. Also failing to communicate that her savings were falling short from the end target. In general, if I don't have money, I don't take expensive vacations and 6000 Dollars is a lot of money, that's more than I ever spent on a vacation. If I still wanted to go, I would try to budget my money and spent as little as possible (reduce eating out, buy less souvenirs, cheaper hotel, etc.). I also live in a small apartment, because it's cheaper than something big and leaves me money for other stuff, although I am looking for something bigger now. The thought of financial dependency and debt makes me anxious and I avoid getting myself carelessly into financial disasters. Your girlfriend might be one of the people who are more carefree with money and more generous with spending it, even when it's not their money. Some also simply lack the discipline to control their spending habits and want to have it all, even if the money is not enough. If you're more like me and not happy about her attitude, you need to talk to her, also about her son. And check if she is not depressed, the bullying at work might have taken its toll on her.

 

Edited February 10, 2020 by PinkFlamingo

[GeorgiaPeach1]

You sound like a fair-weather boyfriend. As long as things are going smoothly you're in, but when there's a few bumps in the road you want to cut and run. It doesn't sound like you love her.

[neowulf]

5 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

You sound like a fair-weather boyfriend. As long as things are going smoothly you're in, but when there's a few bumps in the road you want to cut and run. It doesn't sound like you love her.

I stuck with her through her quiting her job, paid her and her son to go on an expensive vacation.  She doesn't have a license, so I drive her everywhere.  She doesn't have any savings, so I pay for everything?  I have days where I wonder what I'm actually getting out of this relationship.  If love isn't keeping us together, I'm not sure what is?

I'm doing my best to be supportive, but my support has limits.  People have boundaries.  Love shouldn't mean I bleed myself to death.  I would never ask someone to do that for me.

 

Edited February 10, 2020 by neowulf

[neowulf]

9 hours ago, PinkFlamingo said:

I don't get the sense that you consider her and her son your family, that's why it probably bothers you that both of them are not working at the moment and that's why you are afraid of being taken advantage of. 

I suppose I'm wondering who's going to take care of me if I stumble?  Why is everything on my back?  I was raised to strive for an egaltarian relationship with my partner, but suddenly I'm the one with everything on his back.  I thought the point of a relationship was to support one another, but lately all I seem to be doing is carrying people.  I've worked hard all my life to never be a burden to others, yet all I ever seem to do is find people who take advantage of me. 

I thought my girlfriend was different, but it's seeming more and more like she's just like every other person who's taken advantage of me.

I would never quit my job and put her in this position.  I would never ask her for money.  I would have to be in a hostpital bed before I'd accept that kind of help.

This isn't something that "happened" to her.  It's a course of action she chose and it's put us in this position and I don't know when or if it's going to end.

I feel trapped.  What am I suppose to do if it gets to a year and they're both still unemployed?  Am I suppose to just leave her and her son pennyless?  At risk of homelessness?

Do I just struggle on, giving up on all the things I hoped to achieve?

Someone called me a fair-weather boyfriend.  I can't decide if that's unfair or not.  I am trying to be supportive.

[BaileyB]

I’m in a similar situation, just moved in with my partner, we are building a home together, and he has a teen age son. I would be pretty unhappy if my partner quit his job, and his son was sitting around the house playing video games for much of the week.

It’s one thing to have a setback in life, but that person needs to be pounding the pavement with a resume to find another job. If she is not, that’s a problem. Same with her son, there is no reason why he can’t be working a part time job - particularly if he has very few class hours. 

I wouldn’t give them too long to get their act together.. it’s really easy to get comfortable.

[gaius]

I think you need to make a concrete decision. If you're willing to become the long term sole provider for this family unit or whether you're not. With the understanding that the relationship may not survive if you don't.

If you are, then you have to find a way to cope with the stress of having 2 people dependent on you with no complimentary support system. If you aren't, then you need to start setting boundaries and stop bailing her out. Come up with reasonable expectations, lay them out for her and stick to your guns. If you two agree to put up 6 grand eachfor a trip and she doesn't come up with her half then you don't go. Because all your actions have told her so far is that you're OK with picking up the slack.

[PrimalInstinct]

7 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

You sound like a fair-weather boyfriend. As long as things are going smoothly you're in, but when there's a few bumps in the road you want to cut and run. It doesn't sound like you love her.

He doesn't sound like a fair weather boyfriend. He sounds like a guy who doesn't want to be dragged down by others' debts. She, on the other hand, can't even look for work prior to quitting her crap job, can't even reach the agreed upon 6,000 for a trip that he had no obligation towards - it wasn't his aunt they went to visit, has apparently no life savings or even a driver's license.

His arguments are perfectly reasonable. 

[neowulf]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

It wouldn’t work for me either. 
I would get my own place again and just date her. It’s time that she support herself - including driving herself.

and the son... blah, when I was that age I went to school full tome and worked full time.

he needs to do both! He won’t until he has to... when someone stops paying his way - he will figure out he’s got to work work work to make ends meet - his Mom isn’t showing a very good example at the moment. Nine hours of school is nothing in one week!
 

and I would have cancelled the trip if she didn’t have a job and the money saved.

looks like rewarding her behavior - at least lately.

i would move - she needs to figure out some BIG issues for herself right now!!!

you aren’t married and you don’t need to be supporting two people who aren’t working. I’d rather be alone!

I admit I shouldn't have given in the way I did.  But in each case, I wanted to try and be fair about things.

We argued about the trip to England, but she was utterly devastated that she wouldn't be able to go.  I suppose I just wanted to make her happy.

I think that's part of what's been eating at me.  I'm trying to be a good partner here.  I'm trying to be supportive.  It drives me insane that people constantly seem to take that as an invitation to take me for a ride.

I've been putting more pressure on her lately to get a license and she's agreed it's something she needs to do.  She seems to be applying for jobs constantly and is doing things like cooking dinner for the family every night.  

I guess in the end, I need to decide how long I can reasonably wait for things to improve.  I don't think it should take 6 months to find a job.  Sure, it might not be a great job, but you can find a job of some kind within 3-6 months.  That goes for both her and her son.  

[neowulf]

3 hours ago, gaius said:

I think you need to make a concrete decision. If you're willing to become the long term sole provider for this family unit or whether you're not. With the understanding that the relationship may not survive if you don't.

If you are, then you have to find a way to cope with the stress of having 2 people dependent on you with no complimentary support system. If you aren't, then you need to start setting boundaries and stop bailing her out. Come up with reasonable expectations, lay them out for her and stick to your guns. If you two agree to put up 6 grand eachfor a trip and she doesn't come up with her half then you don't go. Because all your actions have told her so far is that you're OK with picking up the slack.

Thank you for this.  Part of the reason I posted about this in the first place was to try and get some perspective.

I understand that life doesn't always go to plan, but there has to be a point where you're honest with yourself about what you want and how you're going to get it.

I don't like ultimatiums, but having a frank discussion about where we're at and how long I'm willing to go along like this is worth having.  

I'm not trying to be cruel or unreasonable.  I only want to strive for fairness.