Unemployed Partner and Step-Son

[Rockdad]

I hate to say this but if she knows you would be devastated at the notion of losing the relationship, she may doubt you will actually pull the plug if nothing changes. Thus the lack of action cleaning up the clutter.

[neowulf]

6 hours ago, Rockdad said:

I hate to say this but if she knows you would be devastated at the notion of losing the relationship, she may doubt you will actually pull the plug if nothing changes. Thus the lack of action cleaning up the clutter.

Yes, I'm aware of that  

It just hurts you know.  It's like people just aren't happy until they back you into a corner and force you to make decisions you'd rather not make.

Then they turn around and make out like you're the heartless bastard who threw them under the bus.

I want to be a suportive partner.  I just don't want to be financially crippled or set back years, because the other people in my life can't get their s*** together.

Because in the end, as this forum has shown time and time again, a person can wake up after all this and say "Yeah, nah, I'm done.  Thanks for all the sacrifices and setting yourself back years for this relationship, but I'm done now!  Have a nice life".  

They wonder why people become jaded and bitter! 😡  I just want to be treated fairly.

[gaius]

Are you two back to having sex at all Neo or is this whole situation still a festering sore that's not getting any better?

[Springsummer]

For heaven's sake. she is only unemployed for ONE month. and you are already talking about how she is taking advantage of you. man nowadays..provider? 

[Ruby Slippers]

14 hours ago, neowulf said:

It just hurts you know.  It's like people just aren't happy until they back you into a corner and force you to make decisions you'd rather not make.

Then they turn around and make out like you're the heartless bastard who threw them under the bus.

This sounds like a victim mentality. No one has forced you to put up with her irresponsible, entitled behavior. You've chosen to accept it day after day. No one can back you into a corner and force you to do anything. Maybe you were a doormat and let yourself be walked on - but that was your choice every moment of every day.

Now you're waking up to the mess you've gotten yourself into, which is smart - better late than never. Get your back up and take charge of this mess.

Edited March 6, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[neowulf]

On 3/6/2020 at 2:06 PM, gaius said:

Are you two back to having sex at all Neo or is this whole situation still a festering sore that's not getting any better?

No, we're not and I'm not really interested either.  Not sure if it's the situation, my general stress levels, or maybe medical, but I have zero interest.

I'm aware it's a time bomb but I don't have the energy to care about it right now.

 

On 3/6/2020 at 2:47 PM, Springsummer said:

For heaven's sake. she is only unemployed for ONE month. and you are already talking about how she is taking advantage of you. man nowadays..provider? 

She's been unemployed since November last year, right before we travelled to England for 5 weeks to visit with her family.  A trip I paid for, almost in it's entirety.  After it was agreed we'd pay 50/50.  After she quit her job without having another to go too. 

So she's been unemployed for 5 months now, not one.

As for "men! provider!", this is the unfortunately side effect of raising a generation of men to see women as equals.  I go to work every day, regardless of how I feel and I fail to understand why simply being a woman gets you out of that obligation.  She's not disabled or sick.  She's completely able to hold down a job.  I think it's a fair expectation for her to pay her way.

 

On 3/7/2020 at 2:42 AM, Ruby Slippers said:

This sounds like a victim mentality. No one has forced you to put up with her irresponsible, entitled behavior. You've chosen to accept it day after day. No one can back you into a corner and force you to do anything. Maybe you were a doormat and let yourself be walked on - but that was your choice every moment of every day.

Now you're waking up to the mess you've gotten yourself into, which is smart - better late than never. Get your back up and take charge of this mess.

You say that, but what was I suppose to do?

If I walk out right now, she'll be ruined.  No savings, no job, no way of paying her rent.  I can't do that to her?  How is that loving?  Is it hurting me?  Yes!  But I can't claim to care about someone, then turn around and throw them under the bus.

The point of this thread was to help me get perspective.  I'm well aware of what I'm in control of and what choices are mine to make.  I'm trying to figure out what's right to do.  What's fair. 

As for the pitty party, yes, I feel angry and backed into a corner.  Because my only options are either shut up and take it, or throw this woman and her son under the bus.  I don't want to be that person, but I resent what's it costing me.  It's not black and white.

Edited March 9, 2020 by neowulf

[LivingWaterPlease]

I've only read a small part of the thread.

For her to be 45 years-old and have no savings doesn't speak well of her, to me. Also, to have chosen such an expensive place to live doesn't seem responsible given that she was probably already somewhat unhappy with her job when she chose the place to live.

If she was being bullied at her job that's not a situation that begins suddenly. I wonder if she told you she was unhappy at her job before you moved in together?

I, and my children all worked while we were getting educated from the age of 14 years-old. I wouldn't put up with a college age kid who wasn't working part time. There are jobs to be had for those willing to work. That includes your gf. She could find something to tide her over until she gets the job she wants.

Your OP reminded me of a woman my son married. They were dating, she had a great job, then began complaining her boss was bullying her. He felt so sorry for all she reported to be going through.  Eventually she was fired. Again, my son took her side and ended up marrying her.  Turns out every situation she gets into she ends up getting bullied. That's HER story. The reality of it is that she's the one who does the bullying but blames it on everyone else. They are now divorced. And she just lost a great job she had. Were she with my son she could have either not gotten another job or taken her time to find one she likes. As it is, she has had to accept one she considers beneath her. 

Also, I think it was irresponsible for your gf to quit her job before finding another one. What would she be doing if she wasn't dating you? She would have kept her job until she found another one.

Another thing I want to mention is your feelings about this. However we all may view it, you resent it. I would resent it, too, in that you paid her portion of a trip to go see her aunt, she chose an expensive place to live then quit her job and she has a son you're having to support. 

In your place, I'd move out and just date her for a long time to see if she continues this irresponsible behavior.

 

Editing this to add: I actually think I'd move out and wind the relationship down. I like to team up with responsible people.

Edited March 9, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[Marc878]

The other problem is change is often temporary. Sort of self protection mode then they can revert back.

better put much though into your future.

[Ruby Slippers]

You're not throwing anyone under the bus by protecting yourself from a freeloader. SHE made these irresponsible decisions, not you. 

Any MOTHER who would quit a stable job before she found a suitable replacement, while she has a child to look after, is bad news. Most of us have endured bad jobs at times out of necessity. 

I get the impression she only takes these liberties because she knows she can use you to pick up the slack. 

[neowulf]

23 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

You're not throwing anyone under the bus by protecting yourself from a freeloader. SHE made these irresponsible decisions, not you. 

Any MOTHER who would quit a stable job before she found a suitable replacement, while she has a child to look after, is bad news. Most of us have endured bad jobs at times out of necessity. 

I get the impression she only takes these liberties because she knows she can use you to pick up the slack. 

I understand what you're saying Ruby and I agree with you to an extent.

I understand it's not my fault she's found herself in this position.  I didn't make the choices that took her down this road, she did.

I also understand that in choosing to love someone, you don't get to pick and choose what bits of them you're willing to accept.

In the end, I've made up my own mind about how long I'm willing to tolerate this situation and made it very clear to her.  She knows that there's a hard limit to how long I'll put up with this situtation.  She also knows that I have no intention of plunging myself into debt to maintain a higher quality of lifestyle.  

In the end, if it comes down to it, no one will be able to say I didn't try to support her through this.  Having limits doesn't make me a bad person.

[S2B]

She has not had a job since November?

can you tell what she does with her days off?

what does she say when you explain to her that you shouldn’t be expected to FULLY support her and her son?

why doesn’t she get support money from the sons father? More than that why isn’t her son working at least part time and giving his earned money to the household? My kids always worked at least part time when the were doing school - from the age of 16! 

Edited March 9, 2020 by S2B

[neowulf]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

She has not had a job since November?

can you tell what she does with her days off?

what does she say when you explain to her that you shouldn’t be expected to FULLY support her and her son?

why doesn’t she get support money from the sons father? More than that why isn’t her son working at least part time and giving his earned money to the household? My kids always worked at least part time when the were doing school - from the age of 16! 

She applies for jobs, putters about the house.  Watches Nextflix,  works on some art projects.  Probably hangs out with her son, who only really has 3 days of school a week.

She does make sure there's dinner each night for us, which is great.  

Well, with regards supporting her, she makes the argument that "we had these discussions and you agreed to support me".  In that respect, she's got me.  I did agree to try to do my best to support her, but this is dragging on now and I don't want it to become the new normal.

It's a long story as to why she doesn't have a formal support arrangement with her son's father.  Though the guy has been very fair in taking care of his son and putting money towards his care, so I can't really complain about that.

I am frustrated that her son doesn't appear to be trying all that hard to get a job, but at least he's started to contribute some money to the food each week.  It's not much but at least he's contributing something.

I agree with you.  I had crappy jobs from the age of 16 and it didn't hurt me.  His mother doesn't appear to want to push him to get one though.  I have to be careful how hard I push, because at the end of the day, he's not my kid.  

That's what really lies at the core of my frustration.  

In the end, Ruby is right.  

I'm not legally required to be here.  I have no obligations to take care of her or her son.  I'm choosing this, even if it hurts me.

I suppose I'll struggle on until I break.  

[Marc878]

Are you tired of dragging that piano around the block?
 

Best predictor of the future is past history.

What do you see?

[S2B]

You really should end it - move out.

she is a grown woman and seriously needs to figure out how to support herself and her son. Ya know - if she didn’t have you to fall back on she probably would have taken a job (ANY job) by now - and would be requiring more help from her son too.

she has a free ride and is taking full advantage of you.

i’d end it. She isn’t good partner material. She doesn’t make wise decisions. She doesn’t teach her adult son how to be independent and responsible. She doesn’t manage money well. She doesn’t even give you sex when you are paying her way!

this union is SO one sided! Spend the money on therapy to learn how to say NO to a gal that uses you!

give her half the rent for April and tell her good luck!

Edited March 9, 2020 by S2B

[S2B]

She should be embarrassed by her behavior! 
 

no way as a woman that wants to be proud of herself would I allow a man to support me. 

[S2B]

You are HELPING her to NOT work...

do you see how backwards that is?

 

and you aren’t married to her. There’s no reason you are obligated to wholly support her.

she will use you as long as you allow it. 
 

have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy?

[Ruby Slippers]

14 hours ago, S2B said:

You really should end it - move out.

she is a grown woman and seriously needs to figure out how to support herself and her son. Ya know - if she didn’t have you to fall back on she probably would have taken a job (ANY job) by now - and would be requiring more help from her son too.

she has a free ride and is taking full advantage of you.

i’d end it. She isn’t good partner material. She doesn’t make wise decisions. She doesn’t teach her adult son how to be independent and responsible. She doesn’t manage money well. She doesn’t even give you sex when you are paying her way!

this union is SO one sided! Spend the money on therapy to learn how to say NO to a gal that uses you!

give her half the rent for April and tell her good luck!

Amen.

She won't get off her ass and figure this out until she has to. As long as you "feel sorry for her" and keep enabling her parasitic behavior, she'll keep taking the handouts.

[Ruby Slippers]

On 2/9/2020 at 6:15 PM, neowulf said:

I am in a reasonably well paid job

She's now completely broke, with no savings what so ever.  She's been looking for work now for over a month and we haven't seen much progress.  

her son... admitted that he hasnt' really been trying that hard to find a job... whenever I get home to hear he's been playing videogames all day

I find myself freaking out that this is going to by my future

Now I'm stuck paying for everything with no sign of when this situation will end, or if I'll just end up as an ATM for people who've decided sitting at home is easier than getting a job. 

Perhaps I'm being unkind?  Maybe I should have more faith in people, but I've been burnt in the past and it's triggering massive anxiety in me.

This woman and her son are sponging off you like you're the government and they're lazy welfare recipients.

You are NOT "stuck" paying for anything.

You are not being unkind to anyone except YOURSELF.

You've been burnt before and you feel massive anxiety because you know you have a history of being used and abused. And here you are in the same mess again.

I totally agree with the advice to dump this freeloader, find your own place, move out, and give her a check for 30 more days of rent. You'll feel so much better without this dead weight. You'll finally be able to work toward a financially stable future, and eventually you can find a woman on the same page.

[neowulf]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and perspective on this.

You've given me a lot to think about.

[IndigoNight]

Both the gf and her son need to find a job. If they aren't working outside of the home, then they should be "working" at home. 

When my adult children, or their partners, who all live with my husband and I, aren't working for money they get a "to do" list. My husband works two jobs, and I am disabled, but have a home business. There is no way that I would expect my husband to mow our lawn if one of our adult children is out if work.

I still manage to fix dinner, arrange schedules, and keep track of what the house needs. With 4 adult children living here (2 are ours, 2 are their partners) there is no reason for me or my husband to do everything. They live here, so they can help. Everyone in my house is expected to help. 

What is the 18 year old son doing to contribute to the household? Playing video games is a luxury for when the work is done. When my daughter's fiance' was out of work, and started staying up all night playing video games, and sleeping all day, I put an end to it fairly quickly. I asked him to stop, nicely. When it continued I shut off their internet connection. He got the message, and asked what he could do around the house to help out. 

My kids, and their partners, all pay rent. They do not pay it to me, but to a savings account. They have to pay late fees if they don't deposit the money by the 5th of each month. When they move out, that money is there for them to pay deposits, etc. They also have to pay for any utility costs that are over and above what we typically pay. That money I do get. 

OP, can you talk to your gf about selling off some of her clutter? She's a mom, but isn't acting like a very good one. She really shouldn't be relying on you to pay all of the bills. She used the "you love money more than me" manipulative tactic. I counter that with "if you loved me you wouldn't put me in this position". She isn't young enough to be making such foolish decisions. It needs to stop!

The 18 year old son needs to get off his @ss and get a job! When he's not working he should be putting in the hours helping to maintain the home, that he currently lives in for free. His "job" is to look for a job, and help maintain the home. When he does his "job" he can earn his time off so that he can play his video games. A couple hours a day off chores went kill him. It might actually teach him some life skills, which I am guessing he lacks.

If my kids can't pay for their car insurance, they don't drive. If they can't pay their cell phone bill, they get a basic phone with limited minutes for emergencies only. I raised my children. Now they're adults, and the free ride is over. Your gf's son should NOT expect a free ride from his mommy's boyfriend. Your gf should not expect you to provide one either. 

OP, set a date for how long you are willing to put up with your situation. Your gf and her son have until then to show you that they're working towards the same goal; a secure family home. They can choose not to, and live with the consequences. You aren't throwing anyone under a bus. They are choosing to do it to themselves.