Wildflower201 Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 MM and I have a child. When I said that he and I should end things, he threatened to try to take our son. I have been engaging in a relationship with him again. Make no mistake, a part of me does love him. But there is an ever growing part of me that hates him. As soon as we leave the hotel, my office, wherever we are I have to distract myself from the truth in order to not hate him. I pray almost daily that he would die. I never say it to him and never would, but I ask God to kill him. He doesn't understand what this does to me or how it makes me feel. He says that he does and makes attempts to try to keep me from getting upset at things that he does, but if he truly understood, he would stop. He would either end things with me or have something real. He says he will decide, but he hasn't. He says it is complicated. When I get weary of it and tell him, he calls me selfish and self-pitying. He insults me, essentially. I've struggled with depression since I was a young teen, and he knows this, but he told me I should try killing myself. He gets angry because I don't trust him. Loving him outside of being with him sickens me. He often forgets that our son exists. I want to not love him. I want to feel nothing for him. I'm still processing him telling me to try suicide...that's what brought me back here. He has claimed to love me and need me. I don't believe that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 IMO, treat this like a divorce. Work out a legal co-parenting agreement and move on. It's OK to love someone and let them go. Humans do it all the time. Sucks sometimes. This is one of those times. Acceptance is a good tool. Accept the actions of others as who they really are. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 At this stage, you have to take some responsibility for the pain (AKA, you are hurting yourself by staying involved with this man). Do not wait around for him to let you go, dump him to the curb. He is no prized pig. I cannot believe he told you to kill yourself. What a jerk. I am sorry you are here, but it is now time to start fixing this problem that you have. I agree, get a lawyer, get a co-parenting plan in place, get some child support, and try your hardest to start to heal the hole this man has dug. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hip Pocket Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 It sounds like an unhealthy situation to me. Why be with someone who suggests you try suicide? Has he no compassion for you or his child? Why would you expose yourself and your child to someone like that? And why would you pray for his death when there are so many other realistic and acceptable solutions? I agree with Carhill. Treat this like a divorce and set up a shared custody arrangement. Does his W know about your child? Can he really threaten to fight for full custody? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 He can''t take your child from you so don't let that scare you and besides you said he often forgets the child exists. I would start making a log of the times he sees his son. I don't know why you are holding on when both of you wish the other was dead. It's time for you to start making other plans for you and your son. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 Does his wife even know about his son? How long has this been going on? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 7 hours ago, Wildflower201 said: I've struggled with depression since I was a young teen, and he knows this, but he told me I should try killing myself. I'm still processing him telling me to try suicide...that's what brought me here. This man is abusive toward you, and your son. This is not love - a man who loves you does not do or say any of these things. The only thing I would say is that you need to run, don’t walk, to a counsellor, doctor, crisis line, women’s shelter, or inpatient treatment centre - today. PLEASE get yourself some physiological help. You need it desperately! I am concerned about your mental health and your wellbeing. I’m also concerned about your child’s physical safety and emotional wellbeing (given that this mother is engaging in an abusive relationship, self injurious behaviors, and is borderline suicidal). GET SOME HELP FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD. Today. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, carhill said: IMO, treat this like a divorce. Work out a legal co-parenting agreement and move on. Agree. Whatever it takes to end this relationship. Still, it will not matter if she does not get help and continues to chose harmful relationship for herself. Edited February 10, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 Wildflower - I remember your story and was so sorry to see that you are back with him. The way he treated you during your pregnancy and lack of acknowledgement of your child after (not attending birthday parties, etc) was just heartbreaking to see. I know it can be very hard to extricate yourself from a toxic situation, but you must for your well-being. This man is the worst of the worst. Like others here I suggest finding a worthy counselor immediately. You are worth so much and deserve a happy life of peace. I would also encourage reading on betrayal bonds. Sending you hugs and encouragement. You can remove him from your life. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 8 hours ago, Wildflower201 said: He would either end things with me or have something real. Neither are on the menu he has provided you with. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 Wow. When I finally asked my then husband to leave he not only told my son 'your mother is kicking me out' as the introduction to our divorce, he also told me 'I have residency; you don't without me. I will make sure you never see our son again and will have to go back to Europe.' I don't know what got into me at that point, I was so frustrated I got very bold and told him 'you do what you have to do. You'll have to live with that. But you still need to leave.' In Texas, for all how anti-women some of this culture can be, an abusive relationship triggers a social work assessment of the situation, and I wasn't risking my child going into an inadequate 'care' situation! Fast forward a decade and guess what- I still have a close relationship with our son, having been through all the intervening years supporting him emotionally and being consistent as a parent, even when I wasn't perfect the love was always there; and his father hasn't seen him for several years. Keep your own values whatever anyone else does. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 op, what would be the best path forward, especially for your son? Use that as your guide. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 Some married APs are lost souls... and some really ARE sociopaths. Lots of good advice above. Wildflower, be careful with this guy as you detach. Do get some help and BE SURE there are friends or family keeping an eye on you and to follow up should anything happen. He needs to know that there are some people out there who know about this and who are keeping tabs on you and care about your and your son's well being. NOT as a threat to him, but as a protection to you and your child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 1 hour ago, pepperbird said: op, what would be the best path forward, especially for your son? Use that as your guide. Good advice, because whatever the answer is - this isn’t it. I know you love your son, but keeping a man if your life who refuses to be father to your son is not a kind or fair thing to do to your son. And, how can you parent effectively when you are tied up in knots over a man that you are talking about suicide and wishing he was dead? Elaine is correct - waiting for him to end the relationship or having something real with him are not options here. And Mark is correct, this is a high risk situation and you need to tell other people who can keep watch for your own safety and the safety of your son. Be safe and get yourself some help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 he's a manipulator and liar. he's using your son to control you. he doesn't care about you; he only cares what you give him. if you couldn't physically give him that, he'd dump you like an old habit. protect yourself, and your child. And if not for yourself, do it for your child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted February 10, 2020 Author Share Posted February 10, 2020 (edited) I didn't want to quote everyone as it would make my reply so much more complicated. Hopefully I answered all the questions. His wife found out about our son at a family gathering when she read some text messages. The entire family knew, but didn't tell her. That was quite some time ago. My sister told me that he doesn't care about me. She said things similar to a number of you "Leave him", "he doesn't even care about (our son)", etc. I defended him to her. He grew up in an abusive family and this is not the first time that he said something that shows he has some empathy issues. He may be a sociopath. To be honest, before this, we were having a really good spell. It's disorienting because it is so different from who he was...days ago. He makes it seem as though it was just tough love and that I'm selfish and immature because of my reaction. Our son's birthday is coming up and he sent me a message this morning telling me that we need to fix this before then. So he has to care on some level this year about his birthday... Abetterme and Bailey B, it's nice to see some old usernames. I'm sorry that I'm still with him too. So many people were so helpful and supportive before. I didn't want to be back in this kind of position. I know that I need counseling. On some level, I know that he is abusive, but it's like I forget. He is pushing me to get past this now, because I think he knows I forget. I just get so tired. I am afraid of sharing custody with him, simply put. He knows that too. I feel like the best thing for my son would be a life not knowing who his father is. Child support will make him vindictive. We have been over that before. "Neither are on the menu he provided you with" I read that over and over. I just don't get it. I don't understand why he or anyone would want to keep a person in between for an elongated period of time. It just doesn't make sense. I myself have said that before, that he is a liar and a manipulator,. I told him he was a liar either yesterday or day before yesterday. It's like there are weights around my feet that make acting on that nearly impossible. There are moments, where he seems to care about our son, are those fake? Are those to change my perception of him? Why do all of that just for a part of me? Edited February 10, 2020 by Wildflower201 missed response Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 (edited) 45 minutes ago, Wildflower201 said: There are moments, where he seems to care about our son, are those fake? Just remember, abusers aren’t abusers 24/7. There has to be something good, otherwise you would have left a long time ago. The important thing to understand - the “good times” don’t make up for the fact that he is hurtful, disrespectful, and abusive toward you and your son. Turning his affection on/off for your son is hateful! That kind of inconsistent reinforcement, as you feel, does immense emotional damage. Don’t let him do that to your son!!!! “Child support will make him vindictive.” Read that again - this is a terrible thing to say about any man and yet, I’m sure that it’s true based on what you have shared here. This is NOT a man that you want in your son’s life. And your son’s only protector - is you! I’m sorry Wildflower, I know my words are strong but I feel passionately about this situation. Your past history of abuse/mental health struggles are keeping you in a position where you are putting yourself AND YOUR CHILD at risk of significant emotional abuse. I wish I could sweep you up and deliver you to a healthier place but the simple truth is, you have to do it for yourself. And your son. I hope you get there someday, this update has made my heart heavy today... Edited February 10, 2020 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 (edited) Why do you put up with this? Let him try to get custody of a child that he barely sees and doesn't support. Get away from him.You are worth so much more than this. Edited February 10, 2020 by BTDT2012 add info 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 and abused kids usually grow up abusers themselves. but it doesn't mean you have to take it or understand it. it doesn't matter if he "cares" about you or your son, on and off... is this the life you want? Yes or No? it's kinda simple, when you put it out like that.... yes or no? then you know what you have to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 1 hour ago, Wildflower201 said: My sister told me that he doesn't care about me. She said things similar to a number of you "Leave him", "he doesn't even care about (our son)", etc. I defended him to her. He grew up in an abusive family and this is not the first time that he said something that shows he has some empathy issues. He may be a sociopath. To be honest, before this, we were having a really good spell. It's disorienting because it is so different from who he was...days ago. He makes it seem as though it was just tough love and that I'm selfish and immature because of my reaction. Child support will make him vindictive. We have been over that before. It's good to hear your sister is aware and looking out for you. Add a few more folks to that list to be safe (if the rest of your FOO isn't already on that list). It sounds a bit like he is hot/cold. This can have rather counter-intuitive emotional impacts. In particular it can make you "want" the other person more. Some people are hot/cold manipulators "naturally" ie, unconsciously, whereas some are more cognizant of it. At any rate, be aware that this impacts you emotionally in ways you may not want - e.g. generating a certain "neediness" etc. I can see how going to court for child support (assuming you want the money enough to deal with that) might be problematic in that then the court presumably enforces his custody and gives him certain rights as well. He may not actually want his custody time, but who knows what he might decide to do I suppose. So a tricky situation for you, unfortunately. Don't see an easy answer, but perhaps you can find a solution eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 11, 2020 Share Posted February 11, 2020 "Child support will make him vindictive"? Well that is what the courts and law enforcement is for. Plus if he gets shared custody, from what you've told us, he is not interested in the child so I doubt he is going to want to take care of him even for a couple of days at a time. OP I think that you are using the "abuse" excuse because YOU don't want to anger this man and for him to step away from YOU. This is not fair to your son. He deserves and is entitled to his child support. He is also entitled to see his father regardless of your relationship with him. Too many children suffer because of the two people who made them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted February 11, 2020 Share Posted February 11, 2020 (edited) I'm sure his wife will be THRILLED when you take his butt to court and they have to start paying up for a kid she didn't even know about. Hell, I'm sure she's really looking forward to having your son come around for her to take care of, too. But, too bad so sad. He's bullying you into staying complacent. Right now, TODAY - call an attorney and block every form communication with him. This will halt any sort of power he has over you. Have your lawyer reach out to serve him AT HOME to petition the court for child support. If he harasses you, get his wife involved. Get a protective order if you have to. What will most likely end up happening is they will come to some financial agreement that also leaves you with the majority of custody. It doesn't sound like either one of them want to have anything to do with your son - and honestly that is a BLESSING for both of you. And you need to get in touch with someone who will help educate you on the dynamics of abuse, because Molly - you in danger, girl. I left an abuser 20 years ago and it got VERY ugly when I tried to leave. Leaving abruptly and getting a protective order was the only way out for me - and there wasn't the added dynamic of an affair and child! Edited February 11, 2020 by Allupinnit Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 11, 2020 Share Posted February 11, 2020 I'm sure when his wife finds out about the child, you will know longer have to worry about abuse. She will police him constantly and with a restraining order, if necessary for you, he will get himself together. But you first have to stop wanting him and get on board with what is best for your child. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 11, 2020 Share Posted February 11, 2020 On 2/10/2020 at 5:17 AM, Wildflower201 said: he threatened to try to take our son. That is the main problem and why Wildflower is stuck. She has/had mental health issues and is scared he uses them against her so that he and his wife will legally take away her son. She doesn't want to get into custody battles or arguments about child support as she "knows" she will lose. She feels utterly powerless. If she does "the wrong thing" she thinks she will lose her son... So he says "Jump!" and she says, "How high?" She loves him and wants to be with him, she has loved him and stuck by him for a very long time, but at the same time she hates him for the power he has over her. She wants him all to herself, he has no intention of going there. If he doesn't want her then she wants him to leave her alone, he has no intention of doing that either... Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 11, 2020 Share Posted February 11, 2020 Respectfully, I don't think one can say that a man who has any level of custody over a woman's child has "no power over her". That all depends on what kind of man he is, how far he might be willing to go, etc. He can skirt the line between cruel and legal, he can expose the kid to things, treat the kid a certain way etc. As if that sort of psychological treatment isn't bad enough, if he's REALLY screwed up he can do much worse (presumably not without consequences, but still). Link to post Share on other sites
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