Allupinnit Posted February 11, 2020 Share Posted February 11, 2020 Well I did mean power over her emotionally - she can't be in contact with this loser for one more day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted February 11, 2020 Share Posted February 11, 2020 4 hours ago, stillafool said: I'm sure when his wife finds out about the child, you will know longer have to worry about abuse. She will police him constantly and with a restraining order, if necessary for you, he will get himself together. But you first have to stop wanting him and get on board with what is best for your child. It seems his wife knows of their son which has done nothing in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 11, 2020 Share Posted February 11, 2020 1 hour ago, Daisydooks said: It seems his wife knows of their son which has done nothing in this situation. Wow, well now I know there is nothing preventing OP for getting the child support that is due her kid. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted February 12, 2020 Author Share Posted February 12, 2020 (edited) On 2/10/2020 at 1:43 PM, BaileyB said: Just remember, abusers aren’t abusers 24/7. There has to be something good, otherwise you would have left a long time ago. The important thing to understand - the “good times” don’t make up for the fact that he is hurtful, disrespectful, and abusive toward you and your son. Turning his affection on/off for your son is hateful! That kind of inconsistent reinforcement, as you feel, does immense emotional damage. Don’t let him do that to your son!!!! “Child support will make him vindictive.” Read that again - this is a terrible thing to say about any man and yet, I’m sure that it’s true based on what you have shared here. This is NOT a man that you want in your son’s life. And your son’s only protector - is you! I’m sorry Wildflower, I know my words are strong but I feel passionately about this situation. Your past history of abuse/mental health struggles are keeping you in a position where you are putting yourself AND YOUR CHILD at risk of significant emotional abuse. I wish I could sweep you up and deliver you to a healthier place but the simple truth is, you have to do it for yourself. And your son. I hope you get there someday, this update has made my heart heavy today... I have known him since I was six. He has always been a part of my life, even when I was in the only other long term relationship I had. I am trying to learn to really be apart from him, permanently. I was trying to give it the chance...to see if he could be better so that I know that my son is safe. It just isn't working out well. So I just give up? I want to protect him and I want to make sure that I am making...good choices for him. I'm trying. I'm sorry that it made your heart heavy, that isn't what I want. I just can't think clearly sometimes about it and I know that when it comes to this situation I may not be...using the right perspective. On 2/10/2020 at 1:46 PM, BTDT2012 said: Why do you put up with this? Let him try to get custody of a child that he barely sees and doesn't support. Get away from him.You are worth so much more than this. I am petrified of fighting over custody. I do have the answer to why I put up with it, but I honestly don't want to say it. On 2/10/2020 at 2:08 PM, 2BGoodAgain said: and abused kids usually grow up abusers themselves. but it doesn't mean you have to take it or understand it. it doesn't matter if he "cares" about you or your son, on and off... is this the life you want? Yes or No? it's kinda simple, when you put it out like that.... yes or no? then you know what you have to do. No. The answer to that is no. I say that to him, a lot. Verbatim. This isn't the life I want. On 2/10/2020 at 2:12 PM, mark clemson said: It's good to hear your sister is aware and looking out for you. Add a few more folks to that list to be safe (if the rest of your FOO isn't already on that list). It sounds a bit like he is hot/cold. This can have rather counter-intuitive emotional impacts. In particular it can make you "want" the other person more. Some people are hot/cold manipulators "naturally" ie, unconsciously, whereas some are more cognizant of it. At any rate, be aware that this impacts you emotionally in ways you may not want - e.g. generating a certain "neediness" etc. I can see how going to court for child support (assuming you want the money enough to deal with that) might be problematic in that then the court presumably enforces his custody and gives him certain rights as well. He may not actually want his custody time, but who knows what he might decide to do I suppose. So a tricky situation for you, unfortunately. Don't see an easy answer, but perhaps you can find a solution eventually. I vacillate between neediness and...indifference and it confuses me. I do not want to go to court. 15 hours ago, stillafool said: "Child support will make him vindictive"? Well that is what the courts and law enforcement is for. Plus if he gets shared custody, from what you've told us, he is not interested in the child so I doubt he is going to want to take care of him even for a couple of days at a time. OP I think that you are using the "abuse" excuse because YOU don't want to anger this man and for him to step away from YOU. This is not fair to your son. He deserves and is entitled to his child support. He is also entitled to see his father regardless of your relationship with him. Too many children suffer because of the two people who made them. His wife knows about our son. She has known for maybe a year or so now. He has instructed her that our son is none of her business, and that has been the case for quite some time. The only other long term relationship that I was in was physically abusive. I was with my exfor 7 years. We were engaged. I don't want to go into a long drawn out story, but no. The courts and law enforcement will not protect me. A lot of people believe that, but it is not true. My ex used child support court to start proceedings for visitation. Both of my eldest children ended up physically and sexually abused. My ex didn't want them, and didn't want to take them for days at a time so he left them with people that ended up sexually abusing them. I will NEVER again choose money, and "the 'abuse' excuse" was hurtful and triggering. I have never been dishonest about my up and down feelings of attachment to MM. I have forced our son into the equation every time. Not MM. 13 hours ago, Allupinnit said: I'm sure his wife will be THRILLED when you take his butt to court and they have to start paying up for a kid she didn't even know about. Hell, I'm sure she's really looking forward to having your son come around for her to take care of, too. But, too bad so sad. He's bullying you into staying complacent. Right now, TODAY - call an attorney and block every form communication with him. This will halt any sort of power he has over you. Have your lawyer reach out to serve him AT HOME to petition the court for child support. If he harasses you, get his wife involved. Get a protective order if you have to. What will most likely end up happening is they will come to some financial agreement that also leaves you with the majority of custody. It doesn't sound like either one of them want to have anything to do with your son - and honestly that is a BLESSING for both of you. And you need to get in touch with someone who will help educate you on the dynamics of abuse, because Molly - you in danger, girl. I left an abuser 20 years ago and it got VERY ugly when I tried to leave. Leaving abruptly and getting a protective order was the only way out for me - and there wasn't the added dynamic of an affair and child! His wife knows, and in short, she will do nothing about anything. My sister keeps saying that it would be dangerous for me to end things with him. I won't say I disagree with that. 12 hours ago, stillafool said: I'm sure when his wife finds out about the child, you will know longer have to worry about abuse. She will police him constantly and with a restraining order, if necessary for you, he will get himself together. But you first have to stop wanting him and get on board with what is best for your child. She doesn't know about the majority of his life. She is a stay at home mom, with no car. She will not police him and this...isn't about wanting him. At all. 11 hours ago, elaine567 said: That is the main problem and why Wildflower is stuck. She has/had mental health issues and is scared he uses them against her so that he and his wife will legally take away her son. She doesn't want to get into custody battles or arguments about child support as she "knows" she will lose. She feels utterly powerless. If she does "the wrong thing" she thinks she will lose her son... So he says "Jump!" and she says, "How high?" She loves him and wants to be with him, she has loved him and stuck by him for a very long time, but at the same time she hates him for the power he has over her. She wants him all to herself, he has no intention of going there. If he doesn't want her then she wants him to leave her alone, he has no intention of doing that either... I appreciate this, I really do, but my mental health is not why I am afraid of court. I definitely don't want to battle in court, however and I am scared, but not for those reasons. I do feel powerless, and yes, I feel like if I do the wrong thing I will lose my son. In my mind, I think that MM would be more normal or better if he didn't live a double life. I feel like after all the time we have wasted, because I did stick by him, things would be okay if we were actually together. I guess I feel that it would make everything make sense...there is just the feeling that maybe it would be worse if we were together. MM definitely has not intention of leaving me alone, which I feel would also make things make sense. Just don't understand why MM won't, and yes I hate him for the power he has. My options are to take it or leave it and he has so many more options than that. 10 hours ago, mark clemson said: Respectfully, I don't think one can say that a man who has any level of custody over a woman's child has "no power over her". That all depends on what kind of man he is, how far he might be willing to go, etc. He can skirt the line between cruel and legal, he can expose the kid to things, treat the kid a certain way etc. As if that sort of psychological treatment isn't bad enough, if he's REALLY screwed up he can do much worse (presumably not without consequences, but still). THIS. This is exactly what is the deepest fear I have. A man who can take my child has everything. 9 hours ago, Allupinnit said: Well I did mean power over her emotionally - she can't be in contact with this loser for one more day. I took 24 hours to ignore MM. I am still journaling and sorting things out. I know stopping contact is an important part to that. 8 hours ago, Daisydooks said: It seems his wife knows of their son which has done nothing in this situation. Correct. 7 hours ago, stillafool said: Wow, well now I know there is nothing preventing OP for getting the child support that is due her kid. No, I could seek child support, but it is highly unlikely that I will. Edited February 12, 2020 by Wildflower201 clarification Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 So with all you've said, what is going to happen when your child turns 18? Are you still going to cling to MM and make excuses not to detach? Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 Wildflower - I read this and deeply feel your fear of the system. I am sorry about what happened to your older children and can understand your reticence to go through that again. No one would want to deal with a custody battle, but it does feel that you need to press ahead and at least formalize a visitation schedule to start limiting your interaction with AP. Have you looked into finding a psychiatric/counselor this week? It can feel overwhelming trying to come up with a plan to deal with all this, both logistically and emotionally. I know even the simplest of issues I throw at mine, even though she can’t fix them, I feel some relief in seeing progress and having a plan of what I’ll do that day to make myself healthier. you need some support in that way now. Betrayal bonds are exceptionally hard to break. I have some stuff in my own past and had never made the connection between my bad choices or my inability to extricate myself from unhealthy situations until I started researching this. Another great book is “The Body Keeps the Score”. We can unconsciously repeat traumas and it feels like you are on some level. I’d also suggest looking for a counselor who specializes in EMDR. Inaction will eventually creep up on us all. I for one, never want to be stuck in those feelings of helplessness. They happen, but we need to do everything possible to drag ourselves out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 Well said abetterme. Well said. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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