hanging in there as long as I can

[mashgo]

Alright here is my story.... looking forward to some new points of view. My wife of five years left me 5 months ago. We have two beautiful girls, very young. She left because she said that we really aren’t compatible, and she has been unhappy for far too long and can’t go on living her life this unhappy. She didn’t think therapy would help because what would happen is just a temporary fix and she would be right back were she is now in a few years.

 

She moved out and temporarily moved in with her parents. That didn’t work out well and only lasted about 2 months. We split the time with our girls 50/50, and she begged me to give her some space, (while I was begging her to come back). She was pretty sure that she just thought our marriage was a mistake, but figured if I could hang in there for a while, she would like to just see how she feels after leaving to see if she felt differently down the road. She was miserable for along time. That is fact. She had to make a change for her life to be live able.

 

I found out about 2 months in that there also was someone else. She had/has been seeing some for quite some time including during our marriage. She felt that there was so much missing from our marriage that she supplementing it with getting love from someone else who had very strong feelings for her.

 

After 3 months of moving around and finally settling into this new house with a 12 month lease, things have calmed down a lot. We have a good schedule of the girls sharing time at Mommy’s and Daddy’s. We are now “Dating” a lot and relating better than we ever had even during our marriage. We broke through a lot of barriers that we should have broken through years ago. I am now giving her all the love that she had been missing, and she sees it and is really enjoying it. We spend 2-3 nights a week together. BUT, she is not ready to give up the other person; she is trying to figure out what is going to make her happy. She is learning a lot by being on her own. She is learning how hard single parenting is, how much she actually misses me, how much she had been missing her alone time, and much more. I also assume she is learning more about her true feeling for the 3rd person.

 

I am willing to hang in there for as long as I can. IT is very hard. Every night I have my daughters I know she ‘could ‘be with him. I know she isn’t most of the time ( just trust me ‘ I know’). But she isn’t breaking it off with him yet. When we are together lately I have been just leaving the whole relationship issues alone and enjoying each other. That is working well, she tells me regularly how much she still loves me now (which she couldn’t say at 1st), and how well I make her feel some times.

 

IT is just so hard sitting back while my wife works out being with me and someone else and we have 2 wonderful girls and everything is just so hard. My work is suffering, I hibernate and burry myself in a dark windows drawn hose regularly. Having just a hard time dealing with life. But I am not ready to move on yet. I have a lifetime to move on, but only a limited amount of time to get her back. I want more than anything for her to come back, and want to come back. I think it could happen, not sure if it will or not, but could.

 

Just so hard.

 

Sorry for the long description but it is a long story and I feel I a=only told a small part of it really. I am looking forward to some new perspectives.

[scaredinlove]

I feel bad for your pain.I don't know what made your wife feel the way she feels now I only know my iwn story and I feel very much the same way as your wife for many years. It is very nice and wise of you to let her work it out.Maybe her unhappiness had nothing to do with you.Giving her space is the best you could do.It shows how much you love her too. I hope things work out for both of you.I know it is a tough time but you are doing the right think. Good luck!

[Falcon554]

I was in the same boat but not only did we not give eachother space, I had to move back in, the affair of hers died a horrid death. They ended up hateing eachohter . But by then she had slept with 2 other guys. There is alot going on with my wife, dont push her I have learned that the hard way.

[mashgo]

I think i have given her space and it is been a good move. THough, I am getting to the end of my rope of not dealing with it. I'm looking for the right opportunity to push the MC idea again. We have gone a little, but it was too early, now we have settled into enough of a routine, and I do not know how much longer I can go with letting my wife be with someone in addition to me. That is amazingly hard to sit by and watch ( not litterally thank god).

 

Is letting her have her space and go on like this as long as I can the best move, or do I start trying to get the ball rolling and push the MC and start addressing. I know its hard to answer with such a small bit of the story , but that is what I am wondering now.

 

thx

[Spurned]

I'm sorry, but your post is so painful to read! I feel for you, man, I really do.

 

Your prose hints that you may be approaching that transition where you are fed up with the nurturing tact. You may soon find that your love for yourself and your children outweights the grief you will have of losing your wife.

 

She is in the driver's seat right now because you are allowing it. If being the wonderful you isn't working, then it's time to stand tall and take a stand. As painful as it is, I think the next step would be to ask her to leave and NOT TO COMMUNICATE with her. do not take her emails, calls, messages. I've made that mistake and trust me, it only hurts your chances in the long run. And let it be known that you are consulting with an attorney and seeing other women. As painful as it is, it will save you the dignity and months (possibly years) of resentment over being so soft. The worst that would happen is that you would divorce a woman who wasn't willing to be with you when you are treating her so nicely!!! Do you want that kind of woman in your life?

 

The best result is that she realizes how much is at stake, and the aura of the "other man" dissipates, and she panics and comes back to you on YOUR TERMS.

 

You may get different opinions on how to proceed. But I tell you, save your dignity. Act happy and almost indifferent, as much as it tears you up inside. You'll be more the man for it. Just keep in mind that no matter what she says, whom she sees, you'll always be that strong man. And it's hard for women to leave a strong man.

[mashgo]

being happy and strong...good points. Giving her space is still probably my best bet, but it ain't easy. Last night I asked her if she could watch the kids so that I could go to a work gathering, she said she had plans. I asked if they were with him and she said yes. As much as I knew they were, I asked anyway and it is so hard to hear her say it.

 

I then was in a rotten mood and started in on her. Not in the nicest way, she then got all defensive and I instantly repressurized the whole situation. I apologized , and said i lost my composure, but it is just so hard to not address stuff.

 

I can not do the "I'm calling my lawyer and seeing other people" thing. It isn't true, it isn't me and I don't think it will work on her. Being nice works, being distant , harsh, or otherwise does not.

 

I just want it to be better, I just need her to be willing to work on things and realize gettting distance and trying things on her own will only be productive for so long.

 

I also don't know if making her life easier and showing my value to her life is a good thing or bad. I take time off from work to cover the kids on her time if she is busy at work , I wathc the girls when they are sick, I fix things around her house, I let her know how much I bring to the relationship. I am sure some people think that helps show my value, and others think I should let her see how hard it is going to be w/o me.

 

HELP

[aaa]

Alright here is my story.... looking forward to some new points of view. My wife of five years left me 5 months ago. We have two beautiful girls, very young. She left because she said that we really aren’t compatible, and she has been unhappy for far too long and can’t go on living her life this unhappy. She didn’t think therapy would help because what would happen is just a temporary fix and she would be right back were she is now in a few years.

 

She moved out and temporarily moved in with her parents. That didn’t work out well and only lasted about 2 months. We split the time with our girls 50/50, and she begged me to give her some space, (while I was begging her to come back). She was pretty sure that she just thought our marriage was a mistake, but figured if I could hang in there for a while, she would like to just see how she feels after leaving to see if she felt differently down the road. She was miserable for along time. That is fact. She had to make a change for her life to be live able.

 

I found out about 2 months in that there also was someone else. She had/has been seeing some for quite some time including during our marriage. She felt that there was so much missing from our marriage that she supplementing it with getting love from someone else who had very strong feelings for her.

 

After 3 months of moving around and finally settling into this new house with a 12 month lease, things have calmed down a lot. We have a good schedule of the girls sharing time at Mommy’s and Daddy’s. We are now “Dating” a lot and relating better than we ever had even during our marriage. We broke through a lot of barriers that we should have broken through years ago. I am now giving her all the love that she had been missing, and she sees it and is really enjoying it. We spend 2-3 nights a week together. BUT, she is not ready to give up the other person; she is trying to figure out what is going to make her happy. She is learning a lot by being on her own. She is learning how hard single parenting is, how much she actually misses me, how much she had been missing her alone time, and much more. I also assume she is learning more about her true feeling for the 3rd person.

 

I am willing to hang in there for as long as I can. IT is very hard. Every night I have my daughters I know she ‘could ‘be with him. I know she isn’t most of the time ( just trust me ‘ I know’). But she isn’t breaking it off with him yet. When we are together lately I have been just leaving the whole relationship issues alone and enjoying each other. That is working well, she tells me regularly how much she still loves me now (which she couldn’t say at 1st), and how well I make her feel some times.

 

IT is just so hard sitting back while my wife works out being with me and someone else and we have 2 wonderful girls and everything is just so hard. My work is suffering, I hibernate and burry myself in a dark windows drawn hose regularly. Having just a hard time dealing with life. But I am not ready to move on yet. I have a lifetime to move on, but only a limited amount of time to get her back. I want more than anything for her to come back, and want to come back. I think it could happen, not sure if it will or not, but could.

 

Just so hard.

 

Sorry for the long description but it is a long story and I feel I a=only told a small part of it really. I am looking forward to some new perspectives.

as your wife, I left my abusive spouse because I feared for my life. It sounds like your wife took a selfish approach to her role as wife and mother. No, I'm not judging your wife, that's God's job. I pray that all works out for you and your wife. My concern is that if and when you get back together will you recent her for leaving?

[reservoirdog1]

I wathc the girls when they are sick, I fix things around her house, I let her know how much I bring to the relationship. I am sure some people think that helps show my value

 

It does help show that you bring value. But she already knows that. Why do you think she's stringing you along, and going back and forth between the two of you? Because she knows she's got a good thing going, with a betrayed husband waiting in the wings who's willing to take her back when she's finished her little f*ckfest, AND keep doing the laundry and all that sh*t.

 

Grow some respect for yourself, man. I implore you. Make no mistake about it, one of the things that is CAUSING her to be torn is the fact that you're still the good guy chump she can keep in her back pocket. Why would she want to let that go? Hell, you look after the kids and do her laundry.

 

She needs an ultimatum. Him or you, NOW. NOT both. You deserve more than the table scraps she's throwing you. She has to make a choice, and then fight for it. That's what "working on the marriage" means -- you work on it, accepting the risk of failure. Right now, you're doing all the work.

 

This is going to drive you insane the longer it goes on, and you shouldn't allow it. Why should you HAVE to think about what she's doing with her OM while you're at home watching the kids? That's massively unfair to you.

 

I know you don't want to, but you need to give her a glimpse of a life without you there to do all her sh*t work. You need to start making some choices for YOU. Stop enabling her. Start making plans with friends without checking with her first -- tell her "I'm going out tonight, Friday night and Sunday night". Buy some new clothes. Show her that you're perfectly capable of enjoying life without her. Make her ASK to come back, and then when she does, make her accept your terms.

[Spurned]

I completely agree with reservoirdog.

 

Being the soft, nice guy is already not working.

 

And the longer it goes on, the longer your resentment will be towards her and your disgust will be with yourself should you two somehow reconcile.

 

Although it doesn't guarantee that she will come back, being a little harsher with her will give you some respect. THINK about how unfair she's being.

 

It doesn't matter what she's doing when she's not around you. In fact, I'd go ahead and just imagine she's having sex with him every time she's not around you. It hurts, but it may foment your ability to move past this crap she's putting you through.

 

Work for yourself and your children. It seems impossible, but you CAN make yourself happy without her. You should see other people, hang out with friends, do some hobbies you've always thought about. And with enough days of no contact, I'm sure she'll find a reason to call to check to see what you're up to. Trust me, I've been there. And the only thing that saved my dignity and the hope for my relationship was to stop being the nice guy. Does she automatically assume you're taking care of the children when she has plans with this other man? How about if SHE takes care of them because YOU have plans?

 

As reservoirdog stated, she already knows you're a nice guy and can provide those other things. The other man is offering her something you're not. Try another tactic and you may find you pique her interest again. She may even panic when she realizes that all she ever wanted was at home waiting for her and is about to completely close the door on her.

 

Good luck, no matter what you decide to do. Life sucks right now, I know it.

[mashgo]

Well, I get what you guys are saying. And you are probably right. It is hard to do though. What has seemed to ,make the most progress has been the right combination of loving and bending over backwards for her, and space. When we are together we are more loving then we have been in yhears, their is definately a new spark, but she wants to go slow.

 

She spends as much time with me as I want practically, I sleep over her new house regualrly , (including both sex and making love). She is seeing the things I am capable of now that I understnd more about what she wants/needs.

 

These things seem to work.

 

That being said..

 

I get what you are saying, and she came over today to p/u kids and I was polite, but not the loving I have been. We had tentative plans for tomorrow , she said did I have any ideas about tomorrow, I jsut said 'nope'. She said 'should I call you tonight' ( after kids are asleep ) , I said I have plans so probably wont be home. ( first time I am actually going out with friends w/o her in weeks). So I did it, It was hard, and I fgelt ****ty but I did it.

 

I am not sure what's right. I Do understand what you guys are saying, but I honestly am not convinced that is the right thing for us, but I guess it is probably worth trying something a little new. Just being who I am , I will never get real cold, or mean, or bad, so I am not too afraid of totally alienating her, it just isn't me, but thats why it is also why it is so hard for me.

 

Thanks for all your thougts

[hooghie]

I don't know what you did in your relationship that was so bad, but my guess is that she is using excuses to justify her actions. If it was so bad, why didn't she leave you BEFORE she had the affair?

 

You are allowing yourself to be treated very poorly. You say that you are doing your best to be with the way she wants you to be. Yet, she doesn't even respect you enough to stop what she is doing with the other guy and really give YOUR relationship a chance. She can have space without sleeping with someone else.

 

I don't think she left you because you were bad to her- she left you for the other man, but she's not sure he's better so she doesn't want to risk losing you and then having neither of you.

 

Tell her you cannot continue like this and either drop the guy and give you guys a chance or you are going to move on.