New, need advice badly.

[Tristram]

I hope everything is going well for everyone here. Guess that saying "you are not alone" is true. I found out 2mths ago that my wife of 6yrs has cheated on me. Found out on our anniversary no less. And to make things even worse it was with the neighbor of all people. My life has become a living hell because of this. I had a gut feeling something odd was going on as they became especially friendly all of a sudden about 4 mths ago. She started acting differently:begain drinking alot more (outside with him all night no less), cloathing style changed a little, she went places alone with him, got upset all of a sudden when I looked at what she was doing on the P.C., showed less attention to me (although she kept right on having sex with me ) other suspicious little things. The neighbors wife was also suspicious of things. I let my wife know I was suspicious and all she kept telling me was "Trust Me" (yeah right). Then one day I over heard Wife ask OM if he thought I suspected anything. To which he replied he did not care (and this from a sorry sob that called himself my friend). I even asked him if something was going on and we would still be cool if he told me, great friend. Not to mention he cheated on his wife at least 3 times and my wife knew that. Any rate, my suspicions confirmed I begain digging for evidence. I found 2 sets of messages in a Yahoo IM archive. Both talking of when, where, how, talk of some things they wanted to do in first letter, then talk of having done those things in another. I blew my lid when I found these, packed my rags and 2 kids and called her on the phone at her work. Of course at first I got the "we are just friends" BS till I mentioned the letters at which point she hung up on me. I throw the phone in the parking lot and left. Of course my dumb ass having to know why stopped and called her again. At this point she says "I guess I dont have a excuse". After which she begs me to come back and that she was sorry and he did not mean anything but I did. I said hell no at first but as I looked at my 2 little girls I caved and came back. When I got back I was so pissed I basically demolished the house and all she did was lay on the bed in shame and cried. Well that went on for a couple days till I calmed down, I dont deal well with betrayal and she knew that. I asked her Why? and how could you? To which she responds, "It was curiosity" and that "It was hard at first but got easier". Then I ask when was the last time and she tells me "you dont want to know". Well I told the neighbors wife when I found out and me and her begain discussing things. I started to interrogate my wife (I say interrogate because after a couple days she wants to pretend like nothing happened and move on.). Now her story of things changes and it only happened once while I was at work in my damn bed. She claimed she lied because she did not think I would believe her. Forgot to mention wife drug her sister into things when I found out she had cheated and they talked during the time I had left and was coming back. Her sister even told her not to lie to me, because she asked her if she should talk to him to get thier stories straight. All this in mind I still smell a rat and keep digging. I find out the OM had told his wife something slightly different. He told her it only happened once on night that they where drinking and that it happened outside in the yard. Infurriated I called the wife at work again. She was rather vague and told me she lied because she did not want me to know I was at home in bed (it was on a work night for me, a off night for her) and that neither of them orgasmed as when they realized what they where doing they quit because it was wrong and they knew it. I also throw in accusations of a three some to see what she would say. I told her to come staight home and talk to me, instead she goes by the OM job and talks to him first. She claimed she was mad he was saying that they had a threesome with another guy (My turn to be manipuilative). It should not have mattered though and she should have came home like I asked her to. So now I have been lied to so much I dont know what to believe anymore. They both say similer things and have made remarks about knowing to much and everything was mutual. Yadda Yadda Yadda. The neighbors wife is content with things, but I still say Bull ****! I am so distraught that I dont know what to do. I also fear I may flip my lid and exacute the OM on his porch next door. I am going insane and dont know how to deal with this. If it had been anyone else that had done this to me it would be a non-issue as I would be gone end of story. Things are just to complicated though. I hope I find help to deal with this. I apologize for the run ons and typos and I was in a hurry. Any help will be appreciated as I dont know who to talk to.

[whichwayisup]

Ouch. I'm sorry this happened to you!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/?highlight=DazednConfused

 

Read this thread. I think it could help you alot. It's long, but try to read all what Dazed has shared.

 

All I can say is, if you love her enough and want to work through this, DO IT.

 

Even if you have to move, do that too. She can't see/talk/email/IM with him anymore. She has to be an openbook with you and know what she did ruined your trust and faith in her. Hopefully she has enough sense to know this and work her tail off to make it up to you.

 

Marriage counselling is the best bet right now.

 

Hope this helps and sorry for your pain.

[Tristram]

Thanks for responding.

I do love her, which is why this is driving me insane. She promised me from day 1 when we met she would never cheat on me. I told her to pack her **** and leave if she even thought she would long before this happened. I was perfectly clear to her how I felt about this kind of ****, but she did it anyway. She swears up and down she is telling me the truth now, but I cant just believe her.

[jaye]

Marriage counselling is the best bet right now.

i believe you quite don't need counsellers because the only counseller you need is God its waste of time money and piece called mind don't loose it.

[Tristram]

"I will execute great vengence on them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the LORD when I lay My vengence upon them."

Ezekiel 25:17

 

I am ruled by vindictiveness and desire for revenge, even though God says "vengence is mine", this is one thing I can only deal with in my own soul. Free will brother.

[JadeStar]

Not all counselors are a waste of time and money. Sure theres some out there that are quacks and charge an arm and a leg,(no different than some doctors and lawyers who are as well) but if you look around in the phone book or even online of counselors in your area I'm sure you can find a decent one. Some are even free. I have gone to my pastor for counseling sessions and it was never a waste of time and it was free.

 

 

 

Jade

[PatientOne]

Tristam,

 

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this crap right now. Know that you WILL make it through, it'll just be a while. I made it, many, many others here have too. You are NOT alone.

 

Get the two of you into Marriage Counseling ASAP. Ignore those who say otherwise, please.

 

Also, stay away from the OM. Believe me, I know how you feel, but the peice of $h!t isn't worth you getting into trouble with the law.

 

Come here and vent when you need to blow off steam. Read the other posts, you most likely will gain insight from some of them.

 

Take care of YOURSELF. Keep eating, stay active, stay well physically.

 

Love your daughters, they will be the best reason you have to get through this. I have 3 girls that, by taking care of them, helped me keep focussed when my W was screwing around.

 

Others will post here to give you advice. Read it and consider what's best for your situation. Hang in there, friend. We'll be here for you...

[Tristram]

I want to go to counseling and feel I need to. But she wont do it. In my judgement everything that has arisen is out of her own selfishness and in truth has little to do with anything I may have done. But still I bare the complete and utter agony of it all.

[PatientOne]

Then go alone. It's a start. The counselor will be able to help you decide what to do next.

[Tristram]

Thanks for the responses. I have done my best so far to stay away from the OM. And made it abundently clear if I caught him around my family again he will get a 9mm in the head for his trouble. I love my 2 baby girls more then life itself and I would die before I see any harm come to them. And in truth I bare this mostly for them. I dont want them to go through the same hell I did when I was a child.

[whichwayisup]

I want to go to counseling and feel I need to. But she wont do it. In my judgement everything that has arisen is out of her own selfishness and in truth has little to do with anything I may have done. But still I bare the complete and utter agony of it all.

 

Tell her she has NO CHOICE but to go. It's the marriage that comes first, not the OM.

 

I'm glad you're not making this about you, because really it isn't. It's something inside her, she isn't getting from you. She should have come to you when she felt something was wrong, instead of looking out of the house for comfort.

 

I hope the OM stays away, for his own sake. I'm sure the guys wife is hoping your wife will stay away too. The A has less of a chance of taking off again since everybody knows now.

 

Hang in there.

[Ladyjane14]

I agree with WWIU and the others who recommended that you begin counseling, alone if necessary.

 

That said, I think you have an absolute right to insist that she get some counseling for herself as well. You have ZERO guarantee that she's not going to do this again.

 

By refusing to take whatever steps necessary to repair the relationship....she's sentenced you to a future of more or less constant insecurity. It's not for her to make the call on what is necessary for YOU to heal.

 

If she can't tell you why she did what she did, how can she tell you it won't happen again? How can she fix whatever was broken within her that allowed her to disregard the vows she had made to you when she won't recognize that she has a problem?

 

People don't f*ck their neighbors out of curiosity. What kind of story is that?

 

It's great that you want to keep your family intact, but damn.....that woman needs to step up to the plate.

 

 

p.s. No more "trashing" of things. If you are not in control of your emotions than your emotions are in control of you. For the sake of your little ones.....stay in control.

[TMCM]

Tristram,

 

First of all affairs by nature are very addictive and many times the US [unfaithful spouse] is reluctant to give up his/her fix [the OP - other person] despite trying to convince the BS [betrayed spouse] that he/she has done so. The only true measure of your W's words are her actions and nothing speaks louder than her ending all contact with the OM [other man] FOREVER and willingly become accountable to you of her time and whereabouts [an open book] not as a sign of fear but as a sign of love. These are the deal breakers that you must convey to her if there is any chance for the marriage to be saved/rebuilt. If she is unwilling to accept these deal breakers then I'm affraid that all the marriage counseling in the world will not help your marriage to survive this ordeal. Good luck.

 

TMCM

[Bryanp]

I am very sorry for you. She refuses to go to counseling which is a very bad sign. In addition, the fact that she had no problem screwing this neighbor in your home and in your bed indicates that she has very little respect for you and your marriage. When asked the last time she had sex she replies you don't want to know says it all. I would strongly demand that she and you both get tested for STD's and that counseling is a major condition for you staying in your marriage. Without counseling the chances are great that it will happen again in the future. I know you wish to stay for your kids but a wife who continued to screwed your next door neighbor and has sex in your home and in your bed shows shows she has a broken moral compass. I don't think she would be the type of person that you would want to raise your children. I wish you luck.

[Tristram]

 

You have ZERO guarantee that she's not going to do this again.

 

By refusing to take whatever steps necessary to repair the relationship....she's sentenced you to a future of more or less constant insecurity.

 

I will feel that way about her regardless of what happens. The damage is done and there is no repairing that.

 

People don't f*ck their neighbors out of curiosity. What kind of story is that?

 

My point exactly. Which is why I think she is full of **** about what she says happened.

 

It's great that you want to keep your family intact, but damn.....that woman needs to step up to the plate.

 

Here lately, she seems to want to put as much effort into it as neccessary. Now rather or not that will stand and she will only time will tell.

 

p.s. No more "trashing" of things. If you are not in control of your emotions than your emotions are in control of you. For the sake of your little ones.....stay in control.

 

I have calmed down alot since the initial finding out. No one ever expected anything like this from her. She never seemed like the kind of person to do something like this. Her sister and long time friends pretty much confirmed that. I was in shock to say the least.

[Tristram]

TMCM. I explaned all that to her, and she is in agreement. Also we are moving far away from here as soon as possible before I end up doing something stupid. But yea, at first she did not understand why she could not even talk to him. Her attitude has improved some since the initial couple of weeks. I am the kind of person that can't just forgive and forget, she understands that everything is going to have to be earned back.

[Tristram]

BryanP. She would go if I insisted upon it to the point of packing my bags. But I prefer things to be volentary rather then forcably. But I agree, "actions speek louder then words". I have been checked, waited on results to come back. Also if you reread my first post, I don't know what to believe. She claimed one thing, then her story about events kept changing as I found out more. I don't know what is true and what isn't. Only way I know of to be sure is a polygraph. And believe me, I still have one foot out the door. I could just bolt at anytime I feel necessary without a single thought to it. I have told her she has to redeem herself, nothing is forgiven.