Straight men seeing a gay boy as a woman

[metresili]

Hello everybody,

My first time writing on a forum like this so I'll take it straight to the point. I'm a 18 year old, pushing 19 actually. I am pretty much grown for my age, meaning I got rid of most of my childish ways and my actions reflect who I am as a person rather than the influence of the enviroment. Dating is normal for people my age, but I prefer men. What happens is that most of the men that cross my path are older and straight.

I do not look for them. I am not seeking an older person, not seeking financial support or anything of that sort: they just do. Two years ago I met a guy. I was 16 at a time, he was 22 (in my country that age gap is normal, so please don't look at it in the American way - it's not as weird as it seems here, you're legal at age 15). At first it was just a friendship, but overtime I started catching feelings for the dude, obviously keeping it in myself due to the fact he is a straight male. He treated me like a baby, would call me his little kid, sending me love emojis and kiss emojis and things of that nature.

Now I want to state right here that no, he is not a creep. He did not have any sexual issues or anything of that sort, and he is not a man with weird fetishes etc. overall just a normal, decent person working in a company. I've kept those feelings for a good while before I admitted them to him. At the time I was already 18, he was 23 pushing 24. He told me straight up that he would "never be like me" (gay), and we ended it at that. But his actions and behavior after I admitted to him started shifting from something innocent that we had into something more out there. He would still call me his little kid and so forth, and he would show me a lot of affection, joking around about how "if you were a girl, we'd be together already" and all. At some point he would send me pictures that I guess you would call soft nudes (no nudity, just showing off the muscles and stuff of that nature). Just acting like a boyfriend towards a girlfriend would in his behavior. And he would never stop talking about the things that would happen if I was a girl.

I've always been a feminine person. Never seen that as a bad thing, it's just the way that I am. When I'm online, everyone immediately assumes I'm a woman because of the way I present myself, but I never pretend to be one. I always say: it's just how I am, I cannot change it. So him talking about all the things we could do and would do if only I was a girl really hurt me, but he didn't know. I loved him, cared for him when no one would. At one point in our "friendship" he got into a relationship, and he would still call me his little kid and things of that nature. When that relationship hit the floor, I was the one to lift him back up. 

I know it probably looks so weird to you guys, but he would act almost like a protector and a lover in a sense. Like a husband would towards the wife. I kept on moving, but inside I guess I truly was hurting about the fact the man that I truly loved would never be with me because he is "not like me". At one point he said "I would never like a guy, I'm not gay, but I don't see you as a guy anyways". I paid it no mind and kept on moving for months and months with that friendship that we had even though his jokes and affection truly made me feel in love more and more.

It was not a one-time thing. At some point in my friendship with him there was an another dude that crossed my path. He was more-so my age now, as he was 19. It was at the end of 2019. A masculine, rap-listening guy with a lot of friends and family who simply do not like people like me, and I understand their views. I did not choose to be that way, anyways. We started talking and all of a sudden he started listening to the music that I did (pop music), he started to fanboy pop female artists that most of the gay community listens to. He started showing affection, he started to be soft towards me. At one point I was at a party, drunk, and I texted him some dumb messages that had a sexual subtext, and when I came back (a little more sober), he told me about how he liked that and it made him feel something (a physical reaction if you know what I mean).

So I got into it and our friendship got a little more intimate. At one point we were sending some messages back and forth that had a sexual subtext and all, and again these words... "if only you were a girl". "I don't see you as a boy, I would never like a boy. I'm not like you". And he would not stop with these messages, because he did not "see me as a dude" because of my feminine ways and behavior. 

I am over the person that crossed my path during the 2-year-old one guy "friendship". The first guy is still on my mind, and he is still in the picture. I have tried to make up weird situations to make him block me, go away, leave me, because I couldn't let him go. I would block him for an hour and I would feel the urge to text him back saying I'm sorry. I could never leave him and he could never leave me, no matter how many times I have asked for it. He would always say "he can't". 

So I am just thinking to myself. Am I the issue? Should I change? Are those people seeing me as a women because they want more "feminine energy" and affection in their life? They did have encounters with lots of girls. The first dude had several long term relationships and he would sleep with girls when he was out of the relationships, overall never had an encounter with a guy. And I am just lost. I love the man who can't love me back because I am not a woman (in society's eyes I guess?), but he still shows me affection and things of that nature because he sees me as a woman in PRIVATE. 

Thank you to whoever replies. If my words were unclear at any point please let me know, English is not my first language. Thank you, thank you & thank u. Appreciate you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think you are the issue, OP.

These two men are not yet comfortable with their sexuality, and not ready to be open about the fact that they are attracted to you. They both sound they are struggling with the realization that they like you as more than a friend, but don't want anyone in their personal lives to know this. So they come to you to explore those feelings while still publicly maintaining that they're completely heterosexual. 

Personally, I don't believe you are ever going to have a fulfilling relationship with either one of them. Both of them keep you a secret, and healthy relationships can't function that way. It is already chipping away at your self-esteem and making you question yourself. That's the sign that you need to distance yourself from these guys and work on finding someone who is comfortable with their sexual preferences and doesn't essentially lead a double-life with you stuck in the shadows. 

[smackie9]

Closet bi-sexual mixed in with a dominance/protector fetish. Hey some things that turn on other people we won't always understand. You are not the key to unlock what makes them that way. If it's not right for you, there are plenty out there that will be more suitable to your expectations/needs.