For anyone who doubts themselves

[ms.stressed]

I have to keep telling myself why I left.

I was insecure. I didn't feel wanted. I felt like he was just being nice.

I want to reach out to him, but I have to remind myself of the feeling I didn't want.

I don't know. Men, people, use this cop out, "I can't make you feel something you need to feel in yourself"...like self esteem and s***.

 

That's bull. Everyone has insecurities sometimes and it feels good when someone can make you feel good about them.

 

Remind yourself of those negative little feelings you had about yourself...not butterflies, not nerves, but those little feelings that make you doubt yourself and question yourself.

 

Remind yourself of those feelings, give that s*** to them on a silver platter..."I feel like this, that, and a third." 

 

Then walk away. Leave that s*** alone and be content by your god damn self until the right guy comes along and makes never question yourself.

 

Idk...I was in a one sided marriage with a dude who like Hispanics and Asians...who abused me... mentally, physically, and emotionally...cheated on me...

 

Maybe I should have healed myself before trying to get involved with someone else or try to get close to someone. 

 

Maybe I should have pushed him away until I was the person I am now...or maybe I'm the person I am now because I pushed him away. Idk. Idk.

 

But man...I don't know what full acceptance feels like. I don't. 

 

I was too short, less busty, I have a gap, I'm too black, I act black...

Then, Idk...I was too weak, too insecure, too damaged...I still feel f***ed up. Just now I heard knocking on the door and got scared. Some nights, I feel like hands are on me and I wake up fighting the sheets, lol! ...but I'm scared. I get scared.

I'm going to get a damned dog.

 

But I hate walked away. But a part of me had to. I had to. 

I guess I'm waiting for the one I'll never want to walk away from... because I feel that complete, that whole, that accepted. 

Yeah, I want the man whose side I'd never want to leave. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 11, 2020 by ms.stressed

[schlumpy]

A dog is a good move but be aware that it is also a lifetime commitment and just as tough to walk away from.

How about taking a pause in dating? You could try some counseling to get yourself on track. That works for some people.

Are you accepted for who you are in any groups? Do you have interests that you share with others and they respect your opinion? If not, I suggest you seek one out instead of seeking validation from another love interest.

It could be a book club where you share your insights on a book that you'd like others to read. Singing in a choir is a favorite of mine. Become a volunteer at a hospice and you can learn about what to value in life by helping those at the end of it. There are many things that you can find validation in and discover who you are rather then a relationship with someone who may or may not value you or have your best interests at heart.

 

[ms.stressed]

On 2/11/2020 at 6:45 AM, schlumpy said:

A dog is a good move but be aware that it is also a lifetime commitment and just as tough to walk away from.

How about taking a pause in dating? You could try some counseling to get yourself on track. That works for some people.

Are you accepted for who you are in any groups? Do you have interests that you share with others and they respect your opinion? If not, I suggest you seek one out instead of seeking validation from another love interest.

It could be a book club where you share your insights on a book that you'd like others to read. Singing in a choir is a favorite of mine. Become a volunteer at a hospice and you can learn about what to value in life by helping those at the end of it. There are many things that you can find validation in and discover who you are rather then a relationship with someone who may or may not value you or have your best interests at heart.

 

Yeah I agree. I told him in the last email I wrote. I should have stayed away. 

I'm good right now, I have a therapist. Everything is still new. It happened less than a year ago, but I'm getting better. I have friends and family but they don't really know everything. They don't. No one knows everything that happened, except my counselor. 

 

I'm just happy I can wake up in the morning, go to work, and be around people I love and who love me.

 

My family loves me and accepts me. So does my friends.

They all told me to get away from my marriage a loooong time ago.

I should have listened, lol.

So yeah... I'm now gun shy. 

I feel less of myself and I guess I need to feel complete with myself first, before I let anyone complete me....if that makes sense.

Thanks for the advice. 

[schlumpy]

7 hours ago, ms.stressed said:

I feel less of myself and I guess I need to feel complete with myself first, before I let anyone complete me....if that makes sense.

Thanks for the advice. 

Modify that one thought "complete" to "complement." You don't want someone to make you a whole person so that when they leave you no longer feel whole. You want someone to make you a better person. Someone that will make you more then you are now.