Both our needs are not being met.

[Capetownkendra]

I think my husband is mad at me because I'm not really interested in sex. We have sex about once a week on average which isn't much less than we were having before our son was born.
We just had a baby earlier in 2019. I know my hormones are a big part of the issue but more than anything, I've felt like my needs haven't been being met for several years and I'm tired of always putting myself on the back burner.
To elaborate, my husband has not helped out financially in almost 5 years. He has either been out of work, lying about money etc. I spent a large chunk of my pregnancy working 2 jobs while he did nothing. He doesn't take care of the house. He makes huge messes and literally just throws garbage on the floor for me to pick up. He complains that he doesn't get any time to himself and he's exhausted. I feel like this is untrue. Yesterday, for example, he stayed in bed until 3pm, watched tv and played on his phone for several hours, went down for a nap while I did housework and took care of the baby, woke up around midnight while I was nursing the baby and said after I was done we should have sex. Well, I said no. I was tired. I would have to get up with the baby in the morning. I wanted to sleep. This happens often and I know he gets upset and probably feels unwanted but I'm also at a point where a lot of the time, I'm a single mom. I'm tired. I do all the feedings, the bathing, changing, playing etc. Not to mention I pay all the bills and do all the housework and any other adulting that needs to be done. He does cook a few nights a week which I appreciate but I definitely feel a huge imbalance and don't feel like we're a team but rather I'm his caretaker. He talks about having no time to himself. I haven't even changed my clothes in 3 days. It's taken me several attempts just to write this post.
I don't know what to do. I feel both justified and guilty. Justified because I'm doing pretty much everything myself. He will sometimes tell people I'm like superwoman and I appreciate that but then he has also thrown me under the bus. When people have called him out for being lazy he has said he's just so tired because he's up with the baby all night so I can sleep. He has done 2 night feedings since my son was born almost 9 months ago 🙄. So, it makes me mad. But then I feel guilty. Have I put everything into being a mother and completely neglected my husband? His behaviour isn't new but now it bothers me so much more now that we have a baby. I don't know what to do. Am I being a bad wife? Am I right to be uninterested in intimacy? Is anyone else experiencing this or have any advice? Thank you.

[2BGoodAgain]

sounds like you have a lazy spoiled brat for a husband.

make a list of what he does, and be fair... and then make a list of what you do.

side by side.

show it to him. and ask him to add anything you may have missed that he does.

. and ask him if this is fair?  He'll either get mad and have a tantrum and try to reverse it on you that somehow you are to blame for his laziness or he'll grow up and realize he's abusing you by making you do most of the work and trying to guilt trip you when you try to bring it up.

sex is the LEAST of his problems. he's being selfish and only thinking about himself, his needs, his lacks... and not thinking about you at all.

as for the compliment "superwoman", that's not really a compliment when he makes you do all the work while he does very little.

Edited February 11, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

[Pleasant-Sage]

You sound overwhelmed and I tip my hat to you for continuing to put one foot in front of the other given the amount of stress you are under.

Communication in your relationship appears to be broken because your husband is metaphorically deaf. That's not your fault either.

I also understand your sense of guilt. You've very empathetic and have a true understanding of your and your husband's feelings even though he only understands his own. Leaves you feeling responsible for both people's emotions.

I like 2BGoodAgain's suggestion but I don't think he is going to get the message unless it is loud enough. He is likely to become defensive due to his inability to self reflect and start blaming you for things. You're gonna have to cause him to selfish reflect and think "Yeah, I really do need to change because my wife deserves better than what I currently am".

He needs to get off his bum and start contributing to the family. Being tired all the time could be associated with depression or it could be some kind of testosterone issue.

Since he still has a sex drive, I'm guessing it's depression. Could just be a mild case. Subconsciously, he probably feels worthless since he doesn't have a job so he makes himself feel better with cheap thrills like being lazy and watching tv. Sex helps him feel better about himself too I'm sure. 

Lack of energy makes you unmotivated to do anything including looking for a job. Job hunting is also very intimidating.

I've been the husband who was metaphorically deaf in the past. I didn't blame my wife (ex wife now) for any of her faults when she would come to me with her feelings but I would just cast them a side and claim they weren't no big deal and expected her to just get over it.

I told myself the excuse that I work hard and long hours providing for our family. The least she could do was not nit pick me and love me for who I was. It usually doesn't work that way though does it?

I couldn't possibly guess what kind of excuses your husband will come up with. I want to say you're going to need some kind third party intervention like a marriage counselor because he's not likely to listen to you no matter what you say. (At first, anyways) He might not even be willing to listen to one of those people either.

Sounds like you've already tried planting seeds but none of them grew into anything. Stick to your guns and throw enough at him and something might eventually stick.  He might need you to get angry say something like "this marriage is broken and if you don't do something to help me fix it..." but I wouldn't play that card first. Build up to that so you have a clear cut case to present to him so he doesn't have deniability and tries to throw that in your face.

Keep your head up. We are cheering for you. 🙂

Edited February 11, 2020 by Pleasant-Sage

[trackdayguy]

12 hours ago, Capetownkendra said:

I think my husband is mad at me because I'm not really interested in sex. We have sex about once a week on average which isn't much less than we were having before our son was born.
We just had a baby earlier in 2019. I know my hormones are a big part of the issue but more than anything, I've felt like my needs haven't been being met for several years and I'm tired of always putting myself on the back burner.
To elaborate, my husband has not helped out financially in almost 5 years. He has either been out of work, lying about money etc. I spent a large chunk of my pregnancy working 2 jobs while he did nothing. He doesn't take care of the house. He makes huge messes and literally just throws garbage on the floor for me to pick up. He complains that he doesn't get any time to himself and he's exhausted. I feel like this is untrue. Yesterday, for example, he stayed in bed until 3pm, watched tv and played on his phone for several hours, went down for a nap while I did housework and took care of the baby, woke up around midnight while I was nursing the baby and said after I was done we should have sex. Well, I said no. I was tired. I would have to get up with the baby in the morning. I wanted to sleep. This happens often and I know he gets upset and probably feels unwanted but I'm also at a point where a lot of the time, I'm a single mom. I'm tired. I do all the feedings, the bathing, changing, playing etc. Not to mention I pay all the bills and do all the housework and any other adulting that needs to be done. He does cook a few nights a week which I appreciate but I definitely feel a huge imbalance and don't feel like we're a team but rather I'm his caretaker. He talks about having no time to himself. I haven't even changed my clothes in 3 days. It's taken me several attempts just to write this post.
I don't know what to do. I feel both justified and guilty. Justified because I'm doing pretty much everything myself. He will sometimes tell people I'm like superwoman and I appreciate that but then he has also thrown me under the bus. When people have called him out for being lazy he has said he's just so tired because he's up with the baby all night so I can sleep. He has done 2 night feedings since my son was born almost 9 months ago 🙄. So, it makes me mad. But then I feel guilty. Have I put everything into being a mother and completely neglected my husband? His behaviour isn't new but now it bothers me so much more now that we have a baby. I don't know what to do. Am I being a bad wife? Am I right to be uninterested in intimacy? Is anyone else experiencing this or have any advice? Thank you.

Probably because you dont share the same core values, vision and have difficulty being open and honest with other. Tell him how you feel. 

1. Dont blame him
2. Never have an intense conversation standing up
3. Start by saying  "This may not be true but its my reality"
 

[basil67]

Given his behaviour, it's completely understandable that you don't want sex with him.   Question is, what have you tried to do in terms of addressing these issues?

 

 

Edited February 12, 2020 by basil67

[schlumpy]

You are in an untenable position made worse by your self-doubt and self-blame. I find it doubtful that your husband will change his ways. I'm not even sure there is a compromise. I do know that you cannot do this yourself and that your need allies such as family and friends to push your husband into a role that will support the marriage. 

In a way you are an enabler. You pick up after him. You require little from him. You allow him to paint a false picture of your marriage to his friends and others. I don't think the marriage vows included "Thou shall pick up after and do your husbands dirty laundry."

I suggest you maintain your side of the marriage and allow him to do the same. You are in for many days of strife and I am indeed sorry for that. 

[Foxhall]

You sound like a very good wife who would be hard to find,

I think if your husband is not prepared to work, well he should at least be prepared to be a good house husband, 

that would not be too much to ask and he would be lucky to have a wife that would accept that scenario,

i think if the marriage is too last, you have to sit down have a tough conversation and agree a route that will work for you both,

perhaps a family member or friend who will set him straight would be a good plan too,

 

 

[trackdayguy]

I agree your enabling this guy. 

[pepperbird]

It sounds like you have become almost a pseudo mom to him, and that's not a position any wife wants to be in.
if you don't mind me asking, what led to his decision to stay at home while you work? Is it something he wanted or did it just sort of work out that way?

[notbroken]

Your husband needs to work outside the house or inside the house - and really both.   Sounds like you are pulling all the load.  Who wouldn't be tired from that?   Unemployment in this country is below 4%.   There are help wanted signs everywhere.  Why doesn't he work?

[preraph]

Why on earth are you still with him?  You'd be better off alone.  He either needs to work or get out, in my opinion, and no, why would you want to have sex with such a do-nothing?  I bet you can do better and I know you'd be better off on your own.  

[Els]

Why would you stay with someone like this for 5 years, much less have a child with him??? It's like expecting a shark to just start flying all of a sudden.

I suggest you start talking to a divorce lawyer about your options.

[BettyDraper]

I think you have every right to be uninterested in sex. You're probably very tired from working and taking care of a baby.

On top of that, you are understandably resentful of your husband's immature and selfish behavior. 

If you would like to stay with your husband, I suggest having a firm and serious discussion with him about being a responsible adult. 

Let your husband know what the consequences will be if he doesn't step up. You're the only one who can decide what the outcome will be. 

I won't tell you to divorce your husband only because I know that most parents want to stay together for their kids and you just had a child. 

 

[BaileyB]

20 hours ago, basil67 said:

Given his behaviour, it's completely understandable that you don't want sex with him.

This. I’m struggling, based on what you wrote, to understand why you would even want to be married to the man. Consider that this is your life - five years from now, ten years from now, twenty five years from now... How are you going to cope with the stress and the conflict - and at what cost?