Is She taking Advantage of me or should I stay with her

[c1 110220]

 

Im 45 and divorced. I  have been in a relationship with a woman for three years until now.

She’s a senior finance analyst doing well in her career. She draws a salary which is double of my take-home income. However, she has no income besides her salary. I have had a business and better prospects and property, and It’s understood between the two of us that I am more privileged

Both of us have teenage kids, and she is saving all her money for her teenage son. In 3 years, she has NEVER PAID for anything. She also benefits from this relationship as I have friends amongst her seniors who have given her benefits, which may be equal to another 10 % of her salary. Add to this, she even extracts benefits for her female friend in the same organization, and I know that this benefits her in the relationship that they have with each other.

Now I have some thoughts.

(1) First, about the money. From one side, I feel very, very guilty as my income is lesser, and I am taking away from my daughter’s daily spending so that my girlfriend can save for her son. However, I give my daughter a lot (at the cost of my luxuries), and I know that one day I will sell my property and give my daughter even more.

(2) Second, about the physical part of the relationship. She is extremely attractive, and sex is brilliant. I know that most men would want her, and I appreciate the fact that she has rejected richer guys because she says that she is satisfied with the relationship she has with me.

(3) Third, about the emotional part of the relationship.  I only feel for my daughter and nobody else. I like my girlfriend more than any other woman I have known . She says she loves me, but I’m not sure. She makes no demands of marriage from me, which other women do, and I appreciate that as well.

So, is this relationship a healthy one, or do you think that I am being taken for a ride?

Edited February 11, 2020 by c1 110220
improvement in grammar and structure

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Both of you are using and benefiting from the other.

[mark clemson]

FWIW, my guess would be that THIS...

58 minutes ago, c1 110220 said:

It’s understood between the two of us that I am more privileged

is what lead to THIS:

58 minutes ago, c1 110220 said:

In 3 years, she has NEVER PAID for anything.

 

58 minutes ago, c1 110220 said:

So, is this relationship a healthy one, or do you think that I am being taken for a ride?

Speaking for myself, my wife works and pays for some stuff, such as her own clothes. I make substantially more and pay for more things by a pretty large margin. So, even though I make more, she pays for SOME things.

But ... why would you care what I think? There is no hard and fast rule for what constitutes a "healthy" relationship (although some can be clearly unhealthy). Do YOU feel like you're being taken for a ride?

[Piddy]

If you live together why does't a certain amount of money go into a joint account to pay for things like living expenses?  Are you in this relationship together or not.  Yeah, I think you're arrangement isn't fair.  You're on the short end of the stick.

[Ruby Slippers]

This sounds unfair and unbalanced to me.

I'm in a new relationship with a man who probably makes at least 2-3 times what I do, I'm guessing, and while he pays more for dating expenses, I still pay some and wouldn't feel right paying nothing at all.

For me, it's important that he understands I'm with him because I love him, not because I'm looking for free meals and entertainment.

[Gaeta]

She takes advantage of you financially.

You take advantage of her emotionally.

You made it 3 years, sounds like it suits you both. 

[c1 110220]

Reply to Piddy - We don't live together. Shes lives with her son and i live with my daughter. She pays for all her needs in her house. She just does not pay when we are together - the entertainment part. Its not too much money but its 1-2 times a week for 3 years, so it just makes me feel a little less respected. 

Reply in General  I think all of you are right. Shes not a bad girl, mostly shes really sweet and i really like her. Shes upfront and not manipulative.  Ive never been as satisfied with another woman. Shes been asking for marriage but not pushing me into it.  I know i would miss her, but maybe i should think hard.   That's why i posted this question.

 

Edited February 12, 2020 by c1 110220
improvement in grammar and structure

[Cookiesandough]

If you have to ask the internet if you should stay with someone, the answer is probably no. You feel like she isn’t pulling her weight financially, it’s burdening you financially, and you don’t have strong feelings for her. Doesn’t sound good. 

[chillii]

Yeah , l'm afraid l'd go with cookie , not exactly hearing much passion in your words for her butttt, for some people that's enough  soooo. it's your party.

The money thing is weird though if she's earning what , double you , she should have plenty to spare on paying for a few things or def at least offering .

 

 

[Caauug]

12 hours ago, c1 110220 said:

Both of us have teenage kids, and she is saving all her money for her teenage son.

 

12 hours ago, c1 110220 said:

(1) First, about the money. From one side, I feel very, very guilty as my income is lesser, and I am taking away from my daughter’s daily spending so that my girlfriend can save for her son.

Yes I get where you are coming from, but don't short yourself for your child's future. It doesn't always turn out for the best. Some people need to earn somethings to value them.

My wife, her best friend and her husband have known one another since early teens. The best friend and husband had a boy first, and made the father proud when born. The second child is a girl. Growing up the effort was put into the boy, by early 20's he was into drug use, lost his drivers license, $40k in debt for a car that was only scrap value. Lost multiple good jobs and will now only lay around his parent's house that he and his drug mate's have destroyed. He has been into rehab but the desire to stay clean is not there. He has stolen from myself and I want nothing to do with him. Talking with his parents before they moved out of town his mother said: "The best thing that could happen is the house burn down with everyone involved in it." He will spend any money he gets on drugs and will steal from anyone he can.

His sister put herself through school, works in human recourses on a good income, has a nice BF, and I believe debt free. They have traveled to heaps of different countries and are planning to do a White Christmas in Banff next year. She has worked hard to get where she is now and was given very little except the desire to exceed.

[Fletch Lives]

What's the whole story of this relationship? Does she pay for anything.......... movie tickets or a show occasionally? Gifts? What does she do for you? Cook your favorite meal? Rub your back? Elaborate, what's the full story of this relationship?

[c1 110220]

I have written quite a bit in my first post. Additional : 

The positives - ( 1)   we have the best sex. And ( 2) its not just the sex, its her attitude. I appreciate that unlike my earlier girlfriends, she has never played mind games, never said no to anything in bed. This attitude of hers spills over to other parts in our relationship. She is an honest human being, and i have suffered bad parents / ex's  / business partners in my 45 years, and I want to be with a honest person for the second half of my life

The negetives ( 1) Except for money matters, on thius point shes treating me like s***. She will save her last dollar, but make me pay for every single thing, and that she is very open about.( 2) We dont have the best wavelength and chemistry going but i have my kid, and many friends and hobbies to compensate 

My friends say that to love / like a woman primarily for her honesty and for sex is not a basis for a long term relationship. I feel another girl may have other good points, but i may be stuck with another dishonest human like the ones i've met before 

 

 

Edited February 12, 2020 by c1 110220
improvement in grammar and structure

[chillii]

Whenever anyone talks about the physical in the very first line like that , which is in nearly every post around ls , and they usually spend the rest of the post going into all the gory detail l for one do not wanna bloody know about. somethings wrong , so the rest was no surprise.  Butttt , l see your points too and for some that's as deep as they think anyway it seems so for them , it's enough , for you it's a trade off who knows , it's a choice l guess.

[Ruby Slippers]

My boyfriend says we have the best sex he's ever had and he's all over me all the time. I've also never lied to him, hold myself to a high ethical standard.

He'd probably pay for a lot more if I asked him to, but like I said, it's important to me that he understands I simply enjoy being with him and don't view him as a walking wallet, so I never ask him to pay for things that he doesn't offer, and I chip in myself where I can.

I get the sense this is making you feel unloved, as well it should. No amount of great sex or honesty is going to make up for a deficiency of real love. I think everybody deserves real love and it's worth it to search for it till you find it.

[basil67]

The one thing missing in all of this are the discussions you've had with her about the topic.  Have you told her that you'd also like to help your child and would appreciate some reciprocal paying?   What did she say?

[Gaeta]

3 years and you're not in love with her. The answer seems simple to me. 

[chillii]

yep , bout it.

[bradt93]

Sounds like you should get out of the relationship and find someone new. As another poster, both of you are using one another and it's not fair to either of you.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

One of the things I have learned over the years, is that women talk about love and feelings and this and that, but a woman with no financial obligation has no obligation to you. You are simply a means to an end. A woman NEEDS to be financially committed in order to truly be committed to you.

Yeah, people like to talk a lot, like to try and blow up how they feel, yadda yadda, but at the end of the day, half of these women won't put their money where their mouth is... She hasn't turned down rich guys, she just understands that she will be under a financial obligation with a rich guy because rich guys are masters of getting what they want; if they do not get what they want, they simply stop providing.

[c1 110220]

 

Reply to Basil 67 - I never asked her to pay in the first few months, i just thought the relationship would be lust , but the relationship grew into a happy comfortable feeling we have for each other. Its not much money , so i feel cheap to ask, its not less, so it does irritate at times, and i feel exactly how Ruby Slippers has written 

Quote

19 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I get the sense this is making you feel unloved, as well it should. No amount of great sex or honesty is going to make up for a deficiency of real love. I think everybody deserves real love and it's worth it to search for it till you find it.

And Thanks - Everyone seems to be giving a similar advice, and it was what i've heard from friends too.  I'm the naive one here🙂. 

 

Edited February 13, 2020 by c1 110220
change in name

[Els]

Has she ever offered to pay and you declined, or has she literally never offered?

If the latter, I would run, to be honest.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think there are tons of women who would love nothing more than to find a good guy to love, and would happily contribute financially, at least something. 

Lately I've seen a lot of posts on this forum from men lately complaining that the woman is a deadbeat, reliant on him financially, never contributes. I'm guessing it's a self-worth issue for these men, feeling that they don't offer enough so need to compensate by paying for everything. 

[clia]

I think it's a pretty gigantic red flag that she's never offered to pay for anything in three years.  

[chillii]

On 2/14/2020 at 3:58 AM, Ruby Slippers said:

I think there are tons of women who would love nothing more than to find a good guy to love, and would happily contribute financially, at least something. 

Lately I've seen a lot of posts on this forum from men lately complaining that the woman is a deadbeat, reliant on him financially, never contributes. I'm guessing it's a self-worth issue for these men, feeling that they don't offer enough so need to compensate by paying for everything. 

 

Nah , l would doubt that very much they're already offering way more than she is in that case. lt's just as easy to find a women that pays as one that doesn't , hell l had all kinds of offers. But it can be a trap , you meet you like each other she says she's doing this gonna do that , feelings grow but meantime time passes and she hasn't done any of it .

 

 

 

 

[gaius]

C1, it's likely the dynamic you two have, where you provide and she shamelessly enjoys it, plays into the fact she's the best sex you've ever had. Even if she makes her own money. So is she taking you for a ride? Yes, a fun one in the bedroom apparently. 

Only you can decide if it's worth it or not. But I don't really see how your teenage daughter could use more daily spending money. How much does a teenager really need to spend anyway? If you're dumping endless amounts of cash in her lap then that relationship is the one you probably need to worry about.