Married co-worker wants to get together.

[Syd8]

Not sure if this is the right forum for this, but here goes. Today at work a co-worker of mine told me we should get together for lunch when I'm in town. She wanted to give me her number so I could text her to set up a time. She's the same age as me and we have a lot of interests in common. I won't lie, I am attracted to her. Now I know she could just be very friendly. But c'mon, is it really normal for a married woman to want to get together with another man who she really doesn't know? Am I reading too much into this? Don't get me wrong, back when I was 27 I had a 2 year relationship with a married woman. So I know what I would be getting into. It's a little bit confusing. I've been very lonely sine my girlfriend passed away 10 months ago. So it's a little nice for a woman to want to spend time with me. What do you all think? Innocent or is there more to this? 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I would just go along with it and see where it goes.

You won't find any support for cheating here until you are already doing it, you already know what we are all going to say.

Entertain her and see where it goes, if its somewhere you don't want to be, that is fine.

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Syd8 said:

 What do you all think? Innocent or is there more to this? 

Difficult to say.

[K.K.]

5 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Difficult to say.

Nah, you know what she wants.  

4 hours ago, Syd8 said:

 I've been very lonely sine my girlfriend passed away 10 months ago. So it's a little nice for a woman to want to spend time with me. 

I am so sorry! What happened? (If you want to say, if not that’s ok.) I feel so bad for you. How difficult! 

Oh and I lovvvve your avatar. I can’t stop staring at it. 

[Syd8]

10 minutes ago, K.K. said:

Nah, you know what she wants.  

I am so sorry! What happened? (If you want to say, if not that’s ok.) I feel so bad for you. How difficult! 

Oh and I lovvvve your avatar. I can’t stop staring at it. 

No, I really don't know what she wants. From what I can tell she seems to be happily married. Like I said, it just feels weird she'd want to get together with me. As for your other question, my girlfriend had breast cancer. It's been so hard without her. Thank you for your condolences. Glad you like my avatar. Do you know what it is? 

[K.K.]

1 minute ago, Syd8 said:

No, I really don't know what she wants. From what I can tell she seems to be happily married. Like I said, it just feels weird she'd want to get together with me. As for your other question, my girlfriend had breast cancer. It's been so hard without her. Thank you for your condolences. Glad you like my avatar. Do you know what it is? 

Its bound to be painful for you just trying to regain some sense of normalcy now, that sucks so bad!

I still think the married lady might want a little uh ..extra friendship. Maybe her and her man are closet freaks or maybe they want to set you up with someone  

I guess time will tell, but if she’s married, well you could be hurting yourself in the long run.

I  don’t -it looks like a dead bunny rabbit. 

[Syd8]

3 minutes ago, K.K. said:

Its bound to be painful for you just trying to regain some sense of normalcy now, that sucks so bad!

I still think the married lady might want a little uh ..extra friendship. Maybe her and her man are closet freaks or maybe they want to set you up with someone  

I guess time will tell, but if she’s married, well you could be hurting yourself in the long run.

I  don’t -it looks like a dead bunny rabbit. 

Yeah, I don't know what to think. We were talking about places to get good food and she told me about a place where she lives. I told her that I was planning on going to another place in her town but that maybe I would go to the place she recommended. That's when she said she would give me her number and come with me to lunch. A dead rabbit huh? I don't see that. It's actually the symbols for the Rebel Alliance and Jedi Order from Star wars. 

[K.K.]

Just now, Syd8 said:

Yeah, I don't know what to think. We were talking about places to get good food and she told me about a place where she lives. I told her that I was planning on going to another place in her town but that maybe I would go to the place she recommended. That's when she said she would give me her number and come with me to lunch. A dead rabbit huh? I don't see that. It's actually the symbols for the Rebel Alliance and Jedi Order from Star wars. 

Well, my second choice was an old mans face and hair with a butthole as a nose. 😂 

See, no wonder I can’t stop staring at it. I don’t know jack about the Jedi so I just keep seeing all these random things in it. 

It’s mesmerizing. 

Oh ... you know... it just occurred to me that mind is always in the gutter so I’m most likely seeing stuff that’s not even there with your married friend. She may just be being friendly. I apologize to you (and mark) for jumping the gun. 

Are you going to call her and do the lunch thing though? 

[Syd8]

4 minutes ago, K.K. said:

Well, my second choice was an old mans face and hair with a butthole as a nose. 😂 

See, no wonder I can’t stop staring at it. I don’t know jack about the Jedi so I just keep seeing all these random things in it. 

It’s mesmerizing. 

Oh ... you know... it just occurred to me that mind is always in the gutter so I’m most likely seeing stuff that’s not even there with your married friend. She may just be being friendly. I apologize to you (and mark) for jumping the gun. 

Are you going to call her and do the lunch thing though? 

Yes, I think I am going to get together with her. It just still seems odd to me that a married woman would want to get together with another man. 

[K.K.]

Hmm well .. time will tell. Are you down for that,  if it’s not ‘innocent’ ?

[Syd8]

2 minutes ago, K.K. said:

Hmm well .. time will tell. Are you down for that,  if it’s not ‘innocent’ ?

Like I said, I've done this before. And yes I would be down. I'm lonely and am craving intimacy. 

[K.K.]

Ok. But for the love of God ima need details 😉 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Syd8 said:

Like I said, I've done this before. And yes I would be down. I'm lonely and am craving intimacy. 

You don’t understand why she would be interested... but it seems, her radar is bang on. 

[Syd8]

Just now, K.K. said:

Ok. But for the love of God ima need details 😉 

Haha, ok. And to put things in perspective, if I was a married man I would not be asking another woman to lunch or give her my number. 

[Syd8]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

You don’t understand why she would be interested... but it seems, her radar is bang on. 

What do you mean? 

[snowboy91]

25 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You don’t understand why she would be interested... but it seems, her radar is bang on. 

 

23 minutes ago, Syd8 said:

What do you mean? 

I think it means she somehow subconsciously knows when a guy is craving intimacy, and is drawn to such a guy.

On the other hand, the whole thing seems really innocent from what I can tell. Just because someone is married, doesn't mean it excludes them from any form of interaction with anyone else of the opposite sex ever again.

Either way, there is a big difference between interacting with someone platonically and interacting with romantic/sexual interest. Meeting up for lunch could be either. It's up to you to see which it is - but since she's married I would assume it's nothing more than friendly.

[BaileyB]

59 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You don’t understand why she would be interested... but it seems, her radar is bang on. 

I’m sorry, perhaps I misunderstood. I took that to mean that you would be down with lunch “and more...” It’s entirely possible that she realizes this, thus the invitation. Some people have a way of sensing those who are lonely and vulnerable. Some people have a way of sensing those who have difficulties/not interested in maintaining healthy boundaries. 

I could be wrong, this could be purely platonic. I do believe that male/female coworkers can have friends - I have a few myself. But, always with firm boundaries. And you said it yourself - if you were a married man, you would not be meeting another woman/texting her. I seems to me that the boundaries are perhaps a little loose here, or about to be loosened...

Worst case scenario, you become involved and the relationship gets messy/is discovered. What would that mean for your job? 

I’m really sorry for your loss. The loneliness of grief is hard. Take care.

Edited February 12, 2020 by BaileyB

[Syd8]

31 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I’m sorry, perhaps I misunderstood. I took that to mean that you would be down with lunch “and more...” It’s entirely possible that she realizes this, thus the invitation. Some people have a way of sensing those who are lonely and vulnerable. Some people have a way of sensing those who have difficulties/not interested in maintaining healthy boundaries. 

I could be wrong, this could be purely platonic. I do believe that male/female coworkers can have friends - I have a few myself. But, always with firm boundaries. And you said it yourself - if you were a married man, you would not be meeting another woman/texting her. I seems to me that the boundaries are perhaps a little loose here, or about to be loosened...

Worst case scenario, you become involved and the relationship gets messy/is discovered. What would that mean for your job? 

I’m really sorry for your loss. The loneliness of grief is hard. Take care.

Yeah, I just don't know. Like I said we have things in common. I enjoy talking to her and I do check her out a lot. I don;t know if she has ever noticed me doing this. Like today we were working and she was trying to get by me and brushed her breasts against my body when she passed me. Could've been there was little space for her to get by me because we were in a tight space. But then again part of me wonders if it was a type of flirtation. I'm really confused. 

[Ellener]

Married? Co-worker?

Don't do it!!!! It will cause loads of problems.

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Worst case scenario, you become involved and the relationship gets messy/is discovered. What would that mean for your job? 

Exactly. And you don't need a relationship based on dishonesty, find something more healthy for you.

Integrity is important for your self-worth.

7 hours ago, Syd8 said:

I'm lonely and am craving intimacy. 

It's not real intimacy though, it would be just sex? 

 

[Mystery4u]

Sounds like she's just being friendly to be honest.

Then again who knows, it is a woman after all! Just meet her for lunch and see what happens.

[stillafool]

This is what you do.  Thank her for the nice invitation and ask if her husband will be joining her in the lunch.  When she says NO, tell her you feel it's inappropriate to meet her without him.  That should put her back in her place.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Not ok.  Never ok.

[Syd8]

37 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Not ok.  Never ok.

So is she out of line for wanting to get together with me in the first place? 

[mark clemson]

So, taking things in perspective here, I think there's at least a decent chance that this ends at validation. There are people out there, such as myself, who have acquaintances of the opposite sex and like flirting/validation but don't necessarily follow through with anything of significance.

To be fair, I don't normally have lunch with these acquaintances, in fact never. So that is a bit yellow flag-ish.

@Syd8 let us know what happens. It will be interesting to hear whether she mentioned this lunch with you to her husband. IMO she should have if things are above board here.

As @CAPSLOCK BANDIT mentioned, the majority of LSers are unlikely to encourage you to get involved with a MW beyond friendship. Too many sad stories out there. Not to mention the morality/ethics.

IF you become friends, once you are ready to find someone new, maybe she can set you up with a single friend of hers.

[pepperbird]

If you want to go, you could start by making it very clear what the parameters of the event are. If it's platonic, let her know that right off and be very clear. If you're still unsure, put yourself in her husband's shoes. What would you feel is acceptable/ not acceptable?